Your “Whaddya Mean I Gotta Pay Extra For Butter?!” Monday Evening Open Thread

NFL News:

• Antonio Cromartie has announced his retirement.
  • It’ll be easier to go on the lam from child support that way, now that potential claimants don’t know where he’ll be 16 Sundays of the year.

• In the “DEAR GOD – NO!” department, for its new Thursday Night broadcasts, FOX is looking at having
  • Troy Aikman on pre-game
  • Peyton Manning on colour in the booth
  • The logic is that they want to have a set Thursday Night team, apart from the usual Sunday chucklefuckery, but also want a link to their established crews.
    • They want people to tune in not for the games, but for the announce team that will hold their interest during a Bengals-Browns classic matchup.

• The rumoured list of suitors for Kirk Cousins is down to four:
  • Broncos
  • Cardinals
  • Vikings
  • Jets
    • who are frightened at the prospect of losing out on the whole deal, because all they have to fall back on is: [checks notes] 
      • Christian Hackenberg
      • Bryce Petty
      • Joel Stave

• If you give any fucks about the spectacle 40’s from the Combine: (I’m not linking)
  • Rich Eisen: 5.97
  • Roger Goodell: 5.41

Finally, in terms of watching actual spectacles unfold,

• Jerry Jones is appealing the NFL’s decision to levy a reimbursement against him

• The Steelers are expected to franchise-tag Le’Veon Bell for a second time, ahead of Tuesday’s deadline.

I saw “Red Sparrow” on the weekend with Mrs. WineWife, and – 18 hours later – I’m not sure if I liked it. I didn’t hate it, but it was one of those movies that made itself more about the twists than the actual plot. Everything made sense, but it felt convoluted for the sake of trying to be arty.

I get why people think it could have been a “Black Widow” movie. It had the classic Russian “spy training school” bits, complete with the “Your body belongs to the state, and you will use it how the state demands” rejoinder. The vaunted J-Law nude scene comes during this section, but be warned – you have to get through some penises to get there, and it’s “plot nudity”, not gratuitous nudity. It makes her point about being liberated after the “Fappening”.

Once you get into the whole espionage aspect of the film, this is where the relationship to Black Widow actually disappears. There was the traditional flitting between European capitals, and general spy intrigue that comes along with films like this. But that by-the-book stuff still got wrapped up in the “Wait, I thought that guy was the target. Who’s this guy?!” movement of the plot. At least when you see Scar-Jo on screen, you have an idea where the plot is going, and who is kicking whom’s ass. Plus there’s one scene that, when you see the character involved, makes you think that this movie has a crossover to “Red”.

The whole scene played out that way. It was a bit jarring to the overall feel of the movie.

It wasn’t a waste of time – everything kept the same pace, there were few dead spots, some of the violence was graphic but contextual, and Jeremy Irons is underused but solid like always. If you want a comparison, the first half of the movie played like Black Widow’s hallucination from “Age of Ultron”, combined then with William Hurt’s character from “Gorky Park” in the second half. On the whole, I rate this movie a “Netflix” – you need to see it uncut, because the US TV edits will keep it from making sense. If you go on a half-price Tuesday, that’s also about right.

Tonight’s sports:

• NHL:
  • Flames at Penguins – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
  • Leafs at Sabres – 7:30PM | NBCSN
• NBA:
  • Pistons vs. Cavaliers – 7:00PM | NBA TV / TSN2
  • Trail Blazers vs. Lakers – 10:30 | NBA TV / TSN2
• NCAA:
  • Men’s tournaments:
    • Horizon League:
      • Oakland vs. Cleveland State – 7:00PM | ESPNU
      • Wright State vs. Wisconsin (Milwaukee) – 9:00PM | ESPNU
    • MAAC: Iona vs. Fairfield – 7:00PM | ESPN
    • Southern Conference: North Carolina (Greensboro) vs. East Tennessee State – 9:00PM | ESPN2
    • West Coast: Gonzaga vs. San Francisco – 9:00PM | ESPN
  • Women’s tournaments:
    • Big East: DePaul vs. Georgetown – 6:30PM | FS1
    • American Athletic: Connecticut vs. Cincinnati – 7:00PM | ESPN2
    • Big 12: Baylor vs. Texas – 9:00PM | FS1
• WWE:
  • RAW – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

The franchise-tag deadline is 4:00PM ET Tuesday. It will be interesting to see who gets the label. We can discuss that tomorrow, when we know what the final list will look like. SO MANY POTENTIAL HOLDOUTS!