(Never gonna get tired of that shot)

You may recall my mock drafts from last year.  I did two versions, with the second going up the night of the first round.  I started off 4-for-4, (in terms of the right player going to the right team; I did not call the Bears-49ers trade but to be fair, no one not actually employed by the Bears could foresee that kind of stupidity), then went 1-28 the rest of the way.  This year you’re getting one and only one version because a) I don’t have the time to do two, and b) this year’s draft is going to be batshit insane.  I had started a draft of this a couple of weeks ago and then all hell broke loose and everyone started trading, or signing free agents, or trading free agents.  I doubt they’re done but at some point I have to shit or get off the pot, so here goes nothing.  Will I be able to beat last years 5-32 result?  Don’t bet on it, (although, of course, some of you will), because I am flat guessing at this point.  Just like the Browns!

(I stole the format for the draft line-up from here.  Kept the Record and Top Needs from them.  The pick, and subsequent blame for getting said pick wrong, is all me!)

1. Cleveland Browns 
Record: 0-16 (.520)
Top needs: QB, CB, OT, S
The pick: Last year everyone knew that the Browns were taking Myles Garrett.  It was the only pick I was at all confident in, and it turns out it was responsible for 20% of my success.  And it worked out so well for the Browns that they didn’t win a single game and here they are again.  I mean, Jesus Christ Browns, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.  You’re just constantly falling out of trees and landing on your heads over and over and over.  So what will they do this year?  Most people have them taking a QB here, more than likely Sam Darnold of USC.  Most people, however, are not me.  I think that the Browns will do one of two things here, (yes, it is a little early for me to go Full PK, and yet here we are):  trade the pick to the Giants, who would love to move up and take PedoU’s Saquon Barkley, getting either a 1st rounder for 2019, (so that Cleveland could pick 1-2 next year, because Browns), or a 2nd this year, giving them three, OR, they draft Barkley here and grab a QB with the 4th pick.

Since I prefer my Kit Kats frozen and not melty I will commit to a pick here rather than waffling the fuck out of it and then claiming I was right when one of my five possible scenarios play out.

Barkley is the consensus best player in the draft, but the Browns are too far from success for him to make a difference, especially when Joe Thomas, their best OL just retired.  I say that the Browns swap picks with the Giants, (probably for a 2nd rounder this year), and move down a spot, where they indeed take Sam Darnold.  Sorry Sam.

2. New York Giants 

Record: 3-13 (.531)
Top needs: QB, OL, RB, DL
The pick: The Giants sucked last year.  A lot of people, me included, thought that they were a dark horse for the NFC East title.  Instead their entire receiving corps got crippled and Eli Manning continued to regress.  They had no running game to speak of and their O-line resembled Kevin Bacon at the end of ‘Animal House’ screaming “REMAIN CALM” as angry mobs stormed past them on the way to smearing whatever poor bastard had the ball in the backfield.  The Giants signed Nate Solder away from the Patriots recently, eliminating what I had thought was a chance that they would take the kid from Notre Dame here.  With my incredibly accurate prediction that the Browns and Giants will swap picks, and with the Giants having no running game last year, the guess here is that the Giants take Saquon Barkley and hope Eli has some healthy receivers to throw the balls towards just often enough for Barkely to tear shit up behind Solder.

Of course, having written this, the Giants then trade JPP to Tampa Bay, leaving it likely that they’re probably not going to trade with the Browns and take the Chubb kid out of NC State.  But fuck it, this pick is too much fun and has too many moving parts for me to redo.  The Giants are taking Barkley and they will like it.

3. New York Jets (via Colts) 
Record: 5-11 (.520)
Top needs: QB, EDGE, OG, OT
The pick: Baker Mayfield.  The Jets are going to take Baker Mayfield and it is going to be glorious.  Mayfield seems like a prick, but he seems like a prick that really, really wants to win everything he does, is willing to do pretty much anything to make that happen, and then to say pretty much anything that pops into his head afterwards.  He’ll sit behind McCown and whoever else for a year, (or until those guys get crippled, so, like Week 9), but when he gets in I think he’s going to be another Namath for the Jets, at least social media-wise.  Seriously, Baker Mayfield in NYC is going to be entertaining as fuck.

4. Cleveland Browns (via Texans)
Record: Still 0-16 (.000)
Top needs: CB, OT, S
The pick: This is a fun pick because the Browns could do anything here.  Fix that hole in the O-line that Joe Thomas left?  Why, here’s ND’s Quenton Nelson! (and a big drop in O-line talent afterwards).  Fix that leak in the secondary?  OSU’s Denzel Ward is your man!  Give Garrett some help on the D-line?  NC State’s Bradley Chubb, c’mon down!  The choices are endless, and if the Giants fuck me over and don’t make that trade I told them to and use the second pick to take Chubb, the Browns will probably take Barkely here.  But it’s my mock draft and the Giants did make that trade so right here I think the Browns bolster the D-line and add NC State’s Bradley Chubb to Garrett and give opposing offensive lines something to actually worry about besides getting out of Cleveland as soon as possible after the inevitable win.

Record: 5-11 (.492)
Top needs: CB, EDGE, OL, TE
The pick: Hippo and Moose are probably not gonna like this, because it doesn’t address any of the needs listed above, (which I guess are accurate; I mean, the NFL.com guy wrote them and I would assume he knows what he’s talking about.  I certainly don’t), but I have read way too much about how Secretari, uh John Elway, fucking loves Wyoming QB Josh Allen and is going to take him here come hell or high water.  As they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him not waste a high draft pick on a QB from a low-level program.  This seems even more likely as Denver let go of Siemen faster than I did on my prom night.  Hey-O!  Thanks, I’ll be here for 27 more picks.  Try the veal.

6. Indianapolis Colts (via Jets)
Record: 4-12 (.480)
Top needs: EDGE, LB, OL, WR
The pick: Quenton Nelson, G, Notre Dame.  Based on my (extremely) limited research, Nelson is head and shoulders above any other prospects on the offensive line and the Colts need to rely on something other than baling wire and chewing gum to keep ol’ Hodor (last seen here) upright and walking.

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 
Record: 5-11 (.555)
Top needs: DE, CB, RB, S
The pick: I’m flat guessing from this point on.  I don’t even know who most of these people are.  Honestly, why aren’t you people putting a stop to this?  Anyhoo, the Bucs ostensibly addressed about 3/5 of their problem on the D-line when they picked up JPP from the Giants, so let’s rule that out here.  Also let’s pause and notice that I just made fun of racism and handicapped people in the same sentence.  That’s talent, people.  Horrible, horrible talent.  If Chubb or Barkley has fallen they will go here, and more than one recent mock draft does indeed have Barkley going to Tampa Bay.  Not me, however, I already committed those players elsewhere, so it looks like the Bucs will get to choose between a CB and a S.  A cursory review of the Bucs mock drafts indicates that a) they’re delusional enough to list Chubb, Nelson and Barkley as remote possibilities here, and b) if those fantasies go the way most of my high school fantasies did, (into a pile of Kleenex and then the trash), Alabama’s Minkah Fitzpatrick will be the pick here.  The Bucs fans actually like the FSU S Derwin James here, but what grabbed my attention was that if they took Fitzpatrick they’d be able to move away from Brett Grimes, and if you move him along you take his awful wife with him.  Tampa Bay’s got enough problems keeping their locker room healthy; take Fitzpatrick.

8. Chicago Bears 

Record: 5-11 (.559)
Top needs: CB, OL, EDGE, DL
The pick: Assuming they don’t seize the opportunity to offer a king’s ransom to jump ahead of Tampa Bay so that they can draft a player that Tampa Bay had no intention of ever taking, they’ll address their needs at secondary and take FSU’s Derwin James.  Or they’ll fuck it up and reach for an O-lineman or WR to protect Trubisky or give him something to throw at.  The Bears should actually trade this pick and take another look in the mid-teens, where they could justify either of those picks while also getting themselves some desperately needed picks to make up for last year’s fiasco.  But they’re the Bears, so they won’t.  James will go to Chicago and he’ll be fine, but the Bears are going to be picking here again next year.

9. San Francisco 49ers 
Record: 6-10 (.512)
Top needs: EDGE, OG, CB, WR
The pick: They’ll probably try to work a trade with the Bucs just to see if they can fuck over the Bears again.  Barring that they’ll probably take a moment to gaze in starry-eyed wonder at Dreamboat-In-Training Jimmy Garropolo, giggle at how that trade is destroying the Patriots, and then realize that 2 of the top 3 DBs are gone and grab The OSU’s Denzel Ward.

10. Oakland Raiders 
Record: 6-10 (.512)
Top needs: LB, CB, S, OT
The pick: The Raiders have Khalil Mack on D and very little else.  It’s too early to grab O-line help; if the Raiders want to go in that direction with their first pick they, like the Bears, should trade down a couple of spots.  I’ve parceled out the top three secondary guys already but the Raiders need help at LB and, lo and behold, we’ve got two good prospects here in Virginia Tech’s Tremaine Edmunds and Georgia’s Roquan Smith.  I saw Smith play in the post-season last year and thought he was really good, but Edmunds seems to be getting more love in the draft discussions I’m plagiar…using for research, so I’ll take Tremaine Edmunds for Oakland here.

11. Miami Dolphins 
Record: 6-10 (.543)
Top needs: QB, TE, OLB, DT
The pick: This is a good spot for Roquan Smith but apparently Miami is ready to move away from Ryan Tannehill and we’ve got UCLAs Josh Rosen dropping like a bad habit all the way to 11. He goes here, but WILD CARD, BITCHES, he goes to Buffalo, which really needs a QB, because AJ McCarron is not a long-term solution for anything besides shitty tattoos, and starts getting all sweaty when they see Rosen is still available, so they swap 1st round picks with Miami and adds their 2nd pick, some highly over-rated wings and 8 broken tables.

12. Buffalo Bills (via Bengals)
Record: 9-7 (.492)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB
The pick: The Dolphins sit back, count their loot from the trade with Buffalo and then take Roquan Smith, who they were probably going to take anyway.

13. Washington Redacteds 
Record: 7-9 (.539)
Top needs: DL, LB, CB, QB, an owner who can get on all the rides at the amusement park,
The pick: Fuck if I know.  I mean, this is a team that refused to sign Kirk Cousins to a long-term contract and then let him just leave for the Vikings, (for the sort of contract Danny would never have authorized unless the player was 3 years beyond his prime), so whatever they do it’ll probably be wrong.  Let’s assume they do something about their defensive line issues and take Alabama’s Da’Ron Payne.  Payne blew it up in the NCAA play-offs and apparently took the combine by storm and that sort of shit gets lil’ Danny hotter than taking a hatchet to a bunch of protected trees.  So while according to all three of the sources I’ve consulted, (fine, all two of ’em), there are better DL prospects out there, Snyder will be too attracted to the bright lights of the ‘Bama lineage and combine numbers to think much past them, much like Custer getting overexcited at Little Big Horn.  Although, to be fair, Payne seems like he’s really good, so this will probably work out better.

14. Green Bay Packers 
Record: 7-9 (.539)
Top needs: DB, OT, WR, EDGE
The pick: Calvin Ridley, WR out of Alabama.  Roll damn Tide.  Assuming Fitzpatrick isn’t gone by now this might be the easiest pick in the draft.  The Packers have the best QB in the game not currently on Facebook shilling for extremely questionable nutritional supplements and they just let Jordy Nelson, said QB’s favorite binky, walk out the door.  You do not have Aaron Rodgers as your QB and fail to do everything to keep him happy so if you’re going to let him go you’d goddamn well better replace him.  Ridley does that.  Look for the Packers to try to move up, maybe with San Francisco, (which might want to pair Ridley with Garropolo), to make this happen.

15. Arizona Cardinals 

Record: 8-8 (.488)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB
The pick: Well, certainly not a QB, because they just landed Sam Bradford and we all know what a rock of stability and production he is!  If you’re going to put Sam Bradford in as your QB, and if you’re already having problems with the offensive line, it probably makes sense to pick up some help in that area.  Notre Dame’s guard, Mike McGlinchey, (Christ, his names sounds a like a holding call), is here, and so is Oklahoma’s tackle, Orlando Brown.  I don’t know anything about either player but  think tackle is more important when you’ve taken the precaution of hiring a QB made of glass, so I’ll say Brown goes here.  And that it’s all for nought, because Bradford shatters both legs tripping over his cat a week before the season starts.

16. Baltimore Ravens 
Record: 9-7 (.441)
Top needs: TE, ILB, OL, WR
The pick: Someone who knows how to keep their mouth shut.  That’s a big deal in Baltimore.  There’s no TEs or LBs rated high enough here to justify taking them at 16; if the Ravens are hell bent on one of those they’ll move the pick.  Probably quietly and behind a warehouse, since this is Baltimore we’re talking about.  You didn’t see nothin’, got it?  They do have draft options at WR and I’ll take a stab at them taking Texas A&M’s Christian Kirk, then hide my white clothing and find Jesus.

17. Los Angeles Chargers 
Record: 9-7 (.457)
Top needs: OT, ILB, QB, DL
The pick: Fuck ’em.  Move back to San Diego and I’ll give a shit about what you do.  For the sake of a complete mock draft, however, let’s say they look to upgrade the offensive line with Connor Williams from Texas, who can apparently play tackle and guard, just not at the same time.  Hope you fail miserably Connor, although it’s nothing personal.

18. Seattle Seahawks 
Record: 9-7 (.492)
Top needs: OL, CB, DE, TE
The pick: What didn’t the Seahawks change this year?  Well, the opinions of the World Trade Center investigative committee, for one, but you can bet ol’ Pete won’t go quietly on that one.  Richard Sherman left, Jimmy Graham, (fun fact, he used to play basketball in college!), left, Michael Bennet left and beat up a cripple!  Allegedly.  So, at a minimum, the Seahawks need a CB, a TE, help on the D-line, their offensive line still sucks, and someone needs to refill the tinfoil in the kitchen so that there are enough hats to go around.  A good pick to trade for more picks, assuming anyone behind them as a burning desire to more up to 18.  Let’s assume that’s not the case.  The Seahawks right now are Skippy McJesus at QB and nothing else; they need to make sure he’s upright before they do anything.  I’ll say that Pete Carroll and the Mystery Machine take a trip to South Bend and pick up G Mike McGlinchey here.

19. Dallas Cowboys 
Record: 9-7 (.496)
Top needs: WR, DT, LB, OG
The pick: Oh, Christ, probably someone with a drug problem who can’t stay on the field and smokes his way out of the league in two years.  Looking at you, Randy Gregory.  They just franchised Demarcus Lawrence, but he could use some help on the D-line.  Hey, maybe Taco Charlton won’t suck this year!  The Cowboys are also rumored to be in the market for a WR, with Dez Bryant either being moved, or with the Cowboys just realizing that he’s not what he used to be and that they could use a high-level replacement.  They could also really use a LB, since Sean Lee is almost certainly going to die on the field at some point.  I like Marcus Davenport from USTA here.  For no real reason other than most other drafts have him ranked higher than this, so I assume he must be good.  Also he played his college ball in Texas and Ol’ Double J loves that shit.  YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW,  I’M FIXIN’ TO FUCK UP ANOTHER DRAFT!!!!!

20. Detroit Lions 
Record: 9-7 (.496)
Top needs: DE, DT, RB, OG
The pick: The Lions have a new coach in Matt Patricia, the most succesful NFL hobo since Jim Tomsula had that accident with the sterno.  You might think that they would therefore go defensive here, but I agree with the guy who set this up for NFL.com, only to have me swipe the set-up and then piss all over it.  The Lions need a RB to give Stafford the occasional donut break from passing.  LSU’s Derrius Guice is here, and as we all know, nothing bad as ever happened to an NFL running back called Guice.

Record: 7-9 (.465)
Top needs: OL, LB, DT, CB
The pick: Iowa’s Josh Jackson is probably not going to be here in the real draft.  But he is in this atrocity, so the Bengals, who could use help in the secondary, stop his slide and take him here.  Then Mike Brown will try and get him to do all the team’s laundry, saying it’s part of rookie hazing but really using it as an excuse to fire some of the staff and save a couple of bucks.

22. Buffalo Bills (via Chiefs)
Record: 9-7 (.492)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB
The pick: Assuming I’m right about my Buffalo-Miami trade earlier, (I’m not, but work with me here), the Bills will have already addressed their QB need with Josh Rosen.  In the highly unlikely event that I’m wrong I can see them trying to move this pick down and taking Louisville’s Lamar Jackson somewhat lower, what Jackson now facing the usual NFL melanin-related bullshit about QBs.  I could see Jacksonville trying to move up here to get a WR, but I can also seem them staying right where they are and taking Jackson themselves.  Other than that I can’t say I’m dedicated enough to this to figure out who else might want to move up.  Fuck it, the Bills got their QB earlier so they might as well give him someone to throw to.  James Washington from Oklahoma State, c’mon down!

23. Los Angeles Rams 
Record: 11-5 (.504)
Top needs: ILB, OL, EDGE, WR
The skinny: They need to replace Sammy Watkins, (giggle) and I guess they could use some help on D, according to sources, although I seem to remember that their D was a strength last year.  I also don’t remember watching any games the Rams played during the regular season other than that time they field-goaled the Cowboys to death.  They certainly don’t need a kicker, that much I can tell you. Bama’s Rashaad Evans makes a lot of sense here.  I could see the Rams taking him here.  I could also see me being 0-23 at this point in the draft.

24. Carolina Panthers 
Record: 11-5 (.539)
Top needs: WR, DB, DE, OG
The pick: I did not know that Julius Peppers was still alive, let alone still playing football, until I started looking at the Panthers.  Wasn’t he playing for the Bears in, like, 1992?  The Panthers sent Kelvin Benjamin to Buffalo, for reasons I don’t begin to understand, so they could probably use help at WR.  A lot of what I’ve read about the Panthers draft intentions, (like, half of an article and some graffiti on a wall), indicate that they would very much like to prefer their secondary and are looking at Justin Reid, a S from Stanford, and who am I to argue?  Also if he went to Stanford he’s probably what Jerry Richardson would call “one of the good ones”, and you know he’s probably still lurking in the shadows of the Panthers, despite his own #MeToo moment.

Record: 9-7 (.434)
Top needs: EDGE, WR, DL, OL
The pick: The Titans made the play-offs under Mike Mularkey and then fired him after a less-than-inspiring loss.  The new coach is former Patriots defensive player, and part-time TE, Mike Vrabel, so it’s easy to think they’ll go defense first.  It’s also easy to think that Vrabel will go full Belichek and trade his 1st round pick for 2 3rds and a 5th.  It’s even easier to realize that I am flat-out making shit up right now.  Speaking of making things up right now, there’s supposedly a defensive lineman with the name Vita Vea, out of Washington, and not a Key & Peele sketch, who would fit the Titans’ needs very well.  Assuming he’s real, of course.

26. Atlanta Falcons 
Record: 10-6 (.543)
Top needs: DT, WR, TE, DE
The pick: The Falcons have Matty Ice at QB, Julio Jones at WR and a two-headed monster at RB.  They don’t need offensive help.  So this doesn’t make much sense but why not take WR Courtland Summer out of SMU, put him on the other side of the field and give the defense something to think about besides “triple cover Jones and bet on the other receivers dropping it.”  It makes as much sense as continuing to throw late in a Super Bowl when all you need to do is run it into the fucking line twice, kick a FG and pop the champagne.  I’m sort of kidding here; Atlanta is almost certainly going to look for defensive help here, but I’m a petulant child and will never forgive them that fuckery of last year.

27. New Orleans Saints 
Record: 11-5 (.535)
Top needs: TE, WR, QB, OL
The pick: They’re not taking a QB here because Brees is still good, (better than Eli Manning, and the Giants are still betting on that hobby horse), so the Saints are going to try to win with him while he’s still playing.  Having seen the Saints a couple of times in the play-offs I am clearly an expert on their receiving corps and I think they’re fine, although I couldn’t name one at gun point.  Let’s agree that they do need help at TE.  There’s Oklahoma’s Mark Andrews to fill that role nicely, just like a beignet is a nicely sugared roll.  Also I think the Patriots may be looking for a TE and this will fuck them over, so let’s go for it.

28. Pittsburgh Steelers 
Record: 13-3 (.453)
Top needs: ILB, QB, S, RB
The pick: Ryan Shazier isn’t coming back any time soon, so my guess is that the Steelers look to replace him with a LB of some sort.  There are a couple of defensive backs they could go to here as well but I’ll stick with LB and guess at Harold Landry out of Boston College.  BC players are generally dumber than a bag of hammers, but they can play.

Record: 10-6 (.434)
Top needs: LB, OT, WR, QB
The pick: Lamar Jackson, QB, Louisville.  Take Lamar Jackson, you dumb shits.  The only question Blake Bortles is the answer to is “this QB held the Jaguars back from succeeding despite a ferocious defense and monster RB.”

30. Minnesota Vikings 
Record: 13-3 (.492)
Top needs: OT, CB, OG, TE
The pick: Given the money the Vikings just committed to Kirk Cousins I suspect that they may trade this pick for spare change, as they’re not going to be able to pay anyone else anyway.  They can use help on the offensive line and help in the secondary.  My guess here is that they look for cheap rookie help on the line and take Billy Price from THE OSU.

31. New England Patriots 
Record: 13-3 (.484)
Top needs: DB, LB, QB, OL
The pick: If you live in my area you’re enjoying a nice period of panic from Boston sports radio.  No one knows what Belichek was thinking by not playing Malcolm Butler during the Superb Owl, but they’ve all got a guess and none of it’s flattering.  Butler is now gone, so is Amendola and so is Nate Solder.  No one thinks Gronkowski is happy in New England and Tom Brady is making dipshit videos for Facebook that are making people realize that no, he is not going to actually play high-level football until he’s 45.  It’s actually kind of glorious.  All that said Belichek, while probably thoroughly unpleasant to be around, knows his football.  He probably goes for offensive line help first, but all the first round OL are accounted for elsewhere so I’ll say he’ll address the secondary first, (fitting in with the “Belichek hates Brady” nonsense you can hear up here), and take Mike Hughes, CB from Central Florida, to replace Butler.

Record: 13-3 (.461)
Top needs: WR, LB, TE, RB
The pick: The brought a football championship to Philadelphia for the first time since the Stone Age.  They could literally draft Norm from ‘Cheers’ and the fans would cheer and throw batteries in the air.  I’m gonna guess that they won’t do that, however, and instead that they will take LB Malik Jefferson from Texas.  But if they do take Norm I am going to take credit for getting that pick right.