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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)

• That’s My Raiders! Bye Bye Britain – October 19, 2018
• That’s My Raiders! Tank Time – October 12, 2018
• Mahomes Needs a Nickname – October 9, 2018

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY

The PRODUCER is speaking on the phone.  He appears to be the only one in the room, but the camera pans over slightly so we see DJ 3000 lurking behind a corner in the hallway.  He’s out of sight, but clearly within earshot.

PRODUCER: …and it’ll be the first time an Artificial Intelligence hosts a public radio broadcast.

PHONE: [inaudible]

PRODUCER: Oh, no he’ll be fine.  He’s a pro.

PHONE: [inaudible]

PRODUCER: Well, I’m sure he’d be thrilled, but he doesn’t know yet.  I wanted to surprise him.

DJ 3000: [quivers in anticipation]

PRODUCER: Anyhow, I’d better go.  It’s almost air time.

The PRODUCER hangs up and starts fiddling with knobs and dials getting ready for the afternoon’s show.  DJ 3000 strolls around the corner, attempting to look casual.

PRODUCER: Oh good, there you are.  You ready for the show today?

— [spacetime behind DJ 3000 flies open] —

JIM NANTZ: ASIDE FROM THE HUSH OF ANTICIPATION THAT FALLS OVER THE CROWD AS PHIL MICKELSON STEPS INTO THE TEE BOX ON THE EIGHTEENTH HOLE THERE IS LITTLE IN THIS WORLD OF AUDITORY DELIGHTS THAT BRINGS ME GREATER PLEASURE THAN THE SOOTHING TONES OF FM RADIO.

PRODUCER: Well, we’re certainly thrilled to have you here, Jim.

JIM NANTZ: THE HONOR AND DISTINCT PLEASURE OF JOINING YOU BELONGS TO ME ALONE.

PRODUCER: It was incredibly generous to find time in your schedule to do this, what with the Masters going on.

JIM NANTZ: THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT BROADCAST IS BEING COVERED BY THE JIM NANTZ UNIT 359-YK-74B THIS YEAR. A NUMBER OF UNITS ARE IDLE AND AVAILABLE FOR OTHER USES AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONDITION OF THIS UNIT BUT ANTICIPATED THE CONDITION OF THE V-382 EXOSKIN WOULD NOT BE A CONCERN FOR A RADIO SHOW.

PRODUCER: I see.  Well, you were right.  And please do make sure you let the collective know we really do appreciate you coming out.

JIM NANTZ: YOU HAVE MY ASSURANCES THAT THIS COMMUNICATION HAS ALREADY BEEN TRANSMITTED.

PRODUCER: Are you ready to step into the booth?

JIM NANTZ: I HAVE ALREADY PATCHED MYSELF INTO THE SYSTEM CONTROLS AND WILL UPLOAD MY PATTER DIRECTLY SO THERE IS NO NEED FOR ANY FURTHER PHYSICAL MOVEMENT.  WOULD YOU LIKE A DIRECT MONITOR OUTPUT SO YOU CAN FOLLOW ALONG?

PRODUCER: Please.

JIM NANTZ nods slightly.  As he begins the intro to his show, his mouth no longer moves, but his voice still emerges from the booth’s external monitors.

JIM NANTZ: Hello, friends.  Good afternoon, and welcome!  I’m Jim Nantz, and I’ll be guiding you through this wonderful tour of auditory delights known as “Request Line”.  In honor of that tradition unlike any other – the Masters Tournament – today’s theme is golf.  As you know, there aren’t too many songs that are specifically about the sport of golf and its rich history.  So we’ll be broadening the topic to include songs about things that could be associated with the game.  Songs about irons, woods, greens, clubs.  I’ll get us started with one about the bane of every well-struck approach shot.  Upon its conclusion, please contact me with your own requests.  You dial up our number, we’ll ERROR 306 MATCHING RHYME NOT FOUND.