Latest posts by theeWeeBabySeamus (see all)
- Your “It’s Tuesday Which Means…At Least It’s not Monday????” Tuesday Evening Open Thread – August 14, 2018
- Your “The Pre-Season Zombie-Like Apathy Is Palpable” Sunday Evening Open Thread – August 12, 2018
- Your “Hey, It’s Saturday Night So Let’s At Least Act Like We Care” Saturday Evening Open Thread – August 4, 2018
[Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, Casino Floor, 5:44am]
Balls, Vanessa and tWBS sit at a bar overlooking the casino floor, sipping Mimosas. From a distance, they watch as Leticia continues playing Blackjack at a table about 50 feet away. The other two players who were seated at the table when Leticia arrived have long since departed. But Leticia continues on, winning more often than not. Her stack of chips has grown moderately in the hour and a half she’s been playing.
Vanessa: Wow. You weren’t kidding. She’s amazing.
tWBS (beaming proudly): She’s soooooo fucking awesome.
Balls: Holy shit, Dude. She’s like a machine. We should have parked her at one of the high stakes games.
tWBS: No. Too much attention. The Pit Boss is already eyeing her anyway, even just here at the $15 table. I’m gonna have to go get her.
Balls: She’s not gonna be happy about that.
tWBS: *sigh* No. No she is not.
Vanessa: I bet you wish you’d left well enough alone now, huh?
tWBS: Yes. Yes I do.
Balls (laughing): Well, we’re late for meeting Blair Williams anyway. How about Vanessa and I go take care of that while you go and get your ass kicked by a girl. Again.
tWBS: Very funny, asshole. But yeah. Sounds good. Meet you guys back upstairs?
Balls: Sounds like a plan.
The three pay their tab and Balls and Vanessa walk toward the elevators while tWBS slowly walks toward the Blackjack tables.
Vanessa: Hey!!! Be sure to guard your…
Luis and Manuel awaken from a sound slumber in the backseat, while Brad is still at the wheel.
Manuel (groggily): Huh? What?
Brad: I asked if you guys want onions in your breakfast burritos?
Luis: Where are we?
Brad: Between Helena and Butte. I figured we’d pull into a drive thru or something before traffic got heavy, and then keep on rolling.
Manuel: Holy shit. How’d get so far?
Litre: …I’m Canadian!!! I know how to drive long distances!!!
Maestro: I know, eh. But this is a new car and…well…you’re kinda high.
Litre: Well I don’t see what that has to do with it. But fine, eh. Lemme try to send this telegram again.
Litre types on Maestro’s phone for a minute or so and then waits. After a moment…
Litre: Hey!!!! It sent!!!!!
Maestro: Oh thank god!!!! Now they’ll at least have some warning, eh?
Litre: Yep. Hey, are you still hungry?
Maestro: Yeah, I really am. Even more than before, actually. That’s weird.
Litre: OK, gimme a sec.
Litre opens his brownie bag and begins rummaging inside. Soon, he starts giggling to himself.
Maestro: What’s up?
Litre: Promise you won’t be mad.
Maestro: Ummmmm….OK I guess.
Litre: Well, that last brownie you ate about a half hour ago? It wasn’t plain. In aboot 15 minutes you’re gonna be high as fuck.
Maestro: WHAT???????? YOU DRUGGED ME??????
Litre: Well when you say it like that you make it sound bad.
Litre: First, I didn’t do it on purpose. Second, try not to freak out, man.
Maestro: Oh this is bad. I have got to…
BeerGuyRob: …pull over. We should stop and see if these fine folks here are OK, eh?
BeerGuyRob has spotted a car with its hood raised and its hazards flashing by the side of the road just outside of Yakima, Washington. Being the polite and helpful Canadian he is, he is duty bound to stop and lend aid. He pulls the van to the side of the road, behind the disabled vehicle.
Lambeau (waking from nap): Wait, whut? What’s going on now?
Riga: Dad’s stopping the van to help someone.
Lambeau (excited now, tail wagging): New people? New people? New people?
Riga: Yes. But we’re staying here in the van because…
BGR: OK, you guys stay here. I don’t need you wandering all over the highway and getting lost. Or God forbid, hit by a car.
Riga (to Lambeau): Which is exactly what I was about to say. (to BGR) … Ruff!!!!
Lambeau (disappointed): Awwwww, man.
BeerGuyRob checks for oncoming traffic. When it’s clear, he steps out of the van and approaches the vehicle. He knocks on the window as politely as he can. When the driver rolls the window down, Rob finds himself face to face with a beautiful blonde woman.
BGR: Well uhhhh, wow. I mean uhhhhh….hello there, eh? I just thought I’d stop and check on you, eh? To see if maybe you needed some help or something? If you need a ride, I’ve got plenty of room and we can call a tow truck or….
Voice From Passenger Seat: Rob? Is that you?
BeerGuyRob leans down and looks inside the vehicle at the man speaking. After a moment, realization dawns.
BGR: BEASTMODE???? HOLY SHIT, EH!!!! What are you guys doing out here?
I Will Dye Blonde: Well, it’s supposed to be the first day of our vacation. We decided to come down here and do some shopping and then play it by ear after that. But now…
Beastmode: I told you none of this would have happened if we still had the Charger.
IWDB: At least this one is under warranty still.
Beastmode (quietly): Just saying, is all.
BGR: Well look, I’m on my way to Vegas because Maestro called me. I guess there’s some guys who want to do harm to Balls and tWBS so we’re trying to help, eh? Why don’t we get your car towed to the shop, eh? Then while it’s being fixed you can come with and vacation with me and the kids on a Vegas roadtrip?
IWDB: Sounds good to me.
Beastmode: Yeah, what else do we have to do at this point?
An hour later, Beastmode and IWDB’s car has been towed and the two are now headed south to Vegas along with BeerGuyRob. IWDB sits in the backseat with Lambeau, as he licks her face incessantly. Beastmode sits in the front passenger seat with Riga on his lap. He is distinctly less pleased about the arrangement than his lovely wife.
IWDB (to Lambeau): Awwww, are you a good boy? Oh yes you are. What a good doggie. Scratch that belly? Yeah, let’s scratch that belly.
Lambeau: Oh god yes. Scratch it baby.
Beastmode (to Riga): You know, you really don’t have to sit here…
Riga: This is my van Pal. I’ll sit wherever I want.
Beastmode: …but if you’re gonna stay could you at least…
Manuel: …get your ass out of my face, will ya?
Luis: Wow, you’ve never said that to me before.
Manuel: Sorry baby, but I’m trying to sleep here. Where are we now, anyway?
Luis: We’re already into Idaho. Can you believe this? Brad is like a machine.
Manuel: A really sexy machine.
Luis: You got that right. But he seems OK with continuing on. I guess I should follow your lead because I…
tWBS: …really need to get some sleep.
Leticia (with slightly glazed eyes): No way, I’m not sleepy at all. This is sooooooo much fun. I want to keep playing.
tWBS: No. You’re done. We’re leaving.
Leticia: Excuse me?
tWBS: You heard me.
Leticia: Who do you think you are?
tWBS: I’m the man who cares about your well-being. I’m the man who can see you’ve had enough for now. I’m the man who wants to take you upstairs and ravish your little body for the next hour, and then fall asleep with you in my arms for like 10 hours. In short….I’m the man who loves you. Let’s go. Now.
Leticia looks stunned. She is speechless. But she still doesn’t get up from the table. tWBS leans in and whispers in her ear for about 10 seconds, then kisses her neck.
Leticia (giggling, standing up and grabbing her chips): Well why the fuck didn’t you say that to begin with? Let’s go!!!!!
As she turns away from the table to head toward the elevators, tWBS slaps her on the ass….HARD.
Leticia (dropping her chips): Hee hee….stop that!!!! At least until we get upstairs.
tWBS (bending down to help pick up the chips): No promises.
The two collect Leticia’s winnings off the floor and then head for the bank of elevators. As they approach them, one of the elevators opens and Blair Williams, Kimmy Granger, Riley Reid and Veronica Rodriguez all step out into the foyer.
tWBS: Ummmm, hi girls. Everything OK?
Blair: Oh yeah. All good. Balls can give you the details.
tWBS (to Veronica Rodriguez): Miss Rodriguez, I just want to say that….
tWBS (to Leticia): Trust me. (to Veronica) … I just wanted to say that I’m a big fan. I enjoy your work. It was an honour to meet you.
Veronica (lightly kissing tWBS’ cheek): Oh don’t worry love, I’ll see you later. We all will.
Leticia lunges at Veronica, but tWBS catches her before she can do any damage. The four ladies all giggle, then walk out of the elevator foyer and into the casino. tWBS and Leticia board the elevator. When the doors close, Leticia slaps tWBS across the face….HARD.
tWBS: OK, so what was that for?
Leticia doesn’t answer. They ride the elevator in silence until they reach the 62nd floor. Then…
tWBS: You know, for someone who tongue kissed Vanessa a couple of days ago, this jealousy streak of yours really is becoming puzzling.
Leticia (surprised): You know about that?
The elevator doors open. The suite is trashed. There are bottles, cans and papers strewn about all over the floor. But it is now empty aside from Balls and Vanessa who are both asleep arm in arm on the chaise overlooking the Luxor below. Fortunately, they are not naked. The morning sun is just beginning to peek above the horizon.
tWBS and Leticia retire to their own room.
Leticia: Seriously? You know about that? And you’re not mad?
tWBS: Why would I be mad? Hell, I get it. She’s very kissable.
Leticia: I agree, but…
tWBS: Look, baby. I love you. I want you to be happy. If there’s something…or someone…who makes you happy…? Then I’m all for it. As long as you’re open about it and don’t ever lie to me, I want whatever you want.
Leticia: I mean, I guess I felt like I’d done something wrong. Kissing her, I mean. And then the jealousy thing just kinda happened because…
Leticia’s words trail off. After a moment…
tWBS: Wait…the jealousy is because you were feeling guilty? Why?
Leticia: I guess it felt like if I could make that kind of a mistake….then maybe you would too….?
tWBS: OK, first….it wasn’t a mistake. And it’s fine. Second….let’s just table the rest of this for later. Right now, like I said before, I just want to do unspeakable things to you for a little while, then hold you close while we sleep. Sound OK?
Leticia (beginning to remove her clothes): It sounds better than OK. I really do love you.
tWBS (smiling and pulling close): I know. And I love you too. More than you’ll ever know.
As the two embrace and fall onto the bed, their bodies intermingling such that it becomes difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins, a telegram which was printed only minutes earlier in the business office of the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino, is being slipped under the door of the 62nd floor Skyview Suite.
Many hours later…
tWBS lifts one eyelid open and begins to wake up. The room is pitch dark thanks to the floor to ceiling drapes on the windows. A small sliver of late afternoon sunshine is visible along the floor.
tWBS: Well THAT was interesting…
He is completely naked except for the American Flag banana hammock he is “wearing”. Leticia’s naked right leg is draped over his chest as she faces 90 degrees away from him. They are both on the floor on top of the shag carpet in their bedroom.
Leticia lets out a small fart.
tWBS: I guess that’s what happens when you tell someone you love them! Fuck, girl, right in my face too.
Leticia (waking up): Huh? What are you mumbling about?
tWBS: Nothing, sugartits. Good morning!
Leticia: Wait, did you just call me “sugartits”?
tWBS: Shut up.
Leticia: Ok, that’s better. I need coffee. Can you make some?
tWBS (giggling): Sure, sugartits!
Leticia: I’m not sure how I feel about you calling me sugartits.
tWBS: What did you say, sugartits? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear.
Leticia: Funny. Hey, where are those guys?
tWBS: Beats me.
[Interior of Mandalay Bay Spa]
Vanessa and Balls are lying naked on adjoining massage tables. Their bodies are still covered in scented massage oil and the temperature in the room is elevated. Sirius XM Chill channel 53 plays in the background.
Vanessa: That couples massage was a great idea!
Balls: Yeah, I’m like totally relaxed. I was a little sore from this morning, but now I’m ready to go again!
Vanessa (giving balls a devilish look): How ready?
Balls stands up and looks down.
Balls: Good enough?
Vanessa: Oh yeah. Ven p’acá.
tWBS: How long?
Leticia: About eight.
tWBS: Minutes ago?
Leticia: O’clock, I think. It’s time-stamped. I found it slipped under the door.
tWBS: What does the message say? Is it from RTD and DTZM?!?
Leticia: No, it’s from some guy named… “Maestro”? It’s weird, there’s a lot of unnecessary u’s.
tWBS: Lemme see…
Leticia shows him the telegram that was delivered and slipped under the door. In the 62nd Floor Suite, do not disturb really does mean DO NOT FUCKING DISTURB!
ROYAL CANADIAN TELEGRAM SERVICE
Attentioun: tWBS and Balls.
Message: Ouverheard soume hosers talking ouver Beaver Tails. STOUP. Plot’s afoout eh. STOUP. Baddies will be in Vegas in 3 days. STOUP. Go Pats! STOUP.
Vanessa: …was that?!?
Balls: Ummmm. Nothing.
Vanessa: Did you just fart while giving me a rim job?
Balls: Ummm, better me than you?
Vanessa (shaking her head): Jesus, you tell someone you love them and this is what you get… just keep licking, baby!
Balls (enthusiastically and with a faceful of ass): Schmokay!
To Be Continued…