I had an appointment with the eye doctor yesterday. I was very nervous about it. Not that I’m afraid of going to the eye doctor per se. But more that I was afraid of what she was going to tell me. So afraid was I, that I’d put off this appointment for over two years. Seriously.
A little over two years ago, when my then still current eye prescription was about to run out of date, I bought a boatload of contact lenses before it did. Just so I could put off going back for as long as possible.
Why? Well, the short answer is because my eyes suck. The long answer is more complicated.
I first had to get glasses when I was less than two years old. No shit. The problems with my eyes were/are many and varied. And all of them are about as severe as humanly possible, short of blindness.
As a youngster, I had two surgeries on my eyes to try to correct one of the problems. The first surgery didn’t work. The second one made the problem worse. Thanks Johns Hopkins.
I absolutely hated wearing glasses as a kid. Wearing glasses when one is trying to play sports, or even just play for that matter, is a huge pain in the ass.
Ever try to hit (or field or pitch/throw) a baseball with your glasses steaming up from the sweat? Or shoot a basketball? Or hit a golf ball? And that’s not even taking into account the fact that the quality of vision with glasses, at least with my prescription even as a kid, just sucks ass for hand/eye coordination matters.
Plus, they just totally get in the damned way. I broke more pairs of glasses playing sports (and also again, just playing) when I was a kid that it’s not even funny.
Then there’s the social issue.
Kids are mean. And trust me, when they’re trying to be mean and get under your skin, they take the easiest material. One of the reasons (though certainly not the only one) that I’m such an asshole as an adult is that I got good and damned tired of bullies thinking they could use the fact that I wore glasses to try to find a way to intimidate me. Pretty soon, it got to the point that if any of them even breathed that bullshit to me, they found out real fast that my attitude was that the best defense is a good offense. I learned to fight, and kicked the crap out of more than one bully who had some smartassed shit to say to me about my glasses.
I ended up in the principal’s office on numerous occasions. But I was never suspended. Teachers and staff loved me. I was good at schmoozing them. Lucky for me.
(It’s not lying if you believe it)
But I digress…
In my late teens, when I was finally able to wear contact lenses, it was like I was born again. It was the best freaking thing ever.
Even now, as an adult, I hate wearing my glasses. I wear them only when I have to. Which is generally only at night when I take my contact lenses out. Very few people in my adult life have ever even seen me in my glasses. It’s not so much a vanity issue for me, though I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t at least part of it. But it’s more the fact that I don’t like the quality of vision they provide, and I don’t like the way they feel.
I’ve gotten so used to the contact lenses over the years that the glasses now feel foreign to me.
The last time I tried to drive with my glasses on instead of the contact lenses, I was driving long distance a couple of years ago. It was in the middle of the night and not surprisingly, my contacts were dry and kept clouding up. I pulled into a rest area and took them out and put my glasses on. It was probably the first time I’d driven with my glasses on since I was a teenager.
The vision quality (because of the magnification, which is due to my shitty eyes and the prescription I have to have) was so terrible and so disorienting that I literally had to pull into the next rest area and put the contacts back in.
In summation, I hate wearing my glasses.
The reason I was scared (I’m not scared….YOU’RE SCARED!!!!) to go to the eye doctor, and the reason I had put it off for way too long, was that the last time I went to my eye doctor she said the meanest and most heinous shit to me imaginable…
You know, you’re getting older and your vision will just get worse. Your prescription is pushing the limits of contact lens technology/availability as it is. Eventually, maybe relatively soon, possibly even the next time you come back, you won’t be able to even use contacts anymore and you’ll have to go back to glasses exclusively.
Well….Fuck you bitch. Maybe I just won’t come back then.
And I didn’t. Until yesterday.
My New Eye Doctor
Now, even if my old eye doctor was a horrible hurtful piece of shit, I do realize she was only doing her job. She can’t help that she’s a horrible hurtful piece of shit. I get that. But so pissed was I still at my old eye doctor that I totally would have gotten copies of my records and gone elsewhere this time. But I was saved the trouble because the insensitive quack apparently got fired since the last time I was there.
My new eye doctor is a cute little Indian gal. She even told me I smelled nice. Which is at least better than telling me I don’t smell nice.
But the best part?
My prescription has not changed one iota since my last visit. Nearly four years later, and my eyes are no worse than they were. And no glaucoma and no retinal problems either. Aside from the fact that I can’t see for shit without corrective lenses, I have the eyes of a 30 year old. Yes, she actually said that.
And as long as that’s the case, I still get to keep wearing contacts.
So yes, I really like my new eye doctor. Even over and above the fact that she’s cute, thinks I smell nice and complimented my sexy retinas (ok, admittedly she didn’t say “sexy” ….but I know that’s what she meant….it was implied).
I’ll probably even go back on time this time. But just in case, Imma still buy a boatload of lenses and stockpile those bad boys.
Fuck you, glasses.
And fuck you too, old eye doctor. I hope you rot in hell.
Sexy Girls In Glasses
Yes, I’m a hypocrite. I can admit it.
I hate my own glasses, yet there is something about a pretty girl in glasses. Is it that it draws you to look at her eyes? Is it that it implies intelligence, or at least can?
Hell, I don’t know. And I don’t plan on trying to figure it out tonight. Or probably ever. I just know what I like.
(and I may or may not personally know one of the young ladies below….so be nice)
Ooooof. Kinda makes you glad you’re not totally blind, huh?
Have a great weekend everyone.
(even if I can’t always see ya’s)
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