Gravy Boat Ruins Derby Day (Also Whiny Baby German Elton John)

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Oh yeah, Man City can also clinch their foregone conclusion Premiership title with a home Manchester Derby win (which would be pretty fookin’ sweet for them, if not coming off a humiliating hiding in the Champions League quarters).  That will be on big NBC at 12:30, and everyone will watch.  It was supposed to be puzzle piece #2 in a thrilling treble that would put the Blue Mancs in the conversation of “Best English Side in Forevs.”

But noooooo, their shittiness, along with some typical pre-match Redshite hooliganism, had to go and cock everything up.  Hippo Darkest Timeline continues unabated, and the German Elton John has to keep whinging about having to play shit-ass little Everton (with his reserves) at lunch time, like the bitch-ass little tosser that he is.

To be able to complete his hissy fit in the style he is accustomed (to his fawning Greek chorus press), Klopp is throwing this Manchester Derby (7:30 EST, NBCSN).  Throwing it with all his weenie might.  His reserves just might be enough to at least draw Everton, so I bet on a Blue win and draw (initial bet of 6.66 Ameri-quid each, MOAR as the lines increased).  But the win spread is still less than half of what it was a week earlier when City came to Goodison.

Because Klopp is throwing the Derby and everyone knows it.  The Redshite love nothing more than condescending the Toffees, and reminding them how much they don’t matter, especially to them (“why do you hate us so much, we only hate United, our real rivals“).

Fuck you.  Fuck you right in the fuck hole.

And we don’t need Fahrad Moshiri to have the faintest scintilla of an excuse to retain Fat Fucking Sam, against all rational evidence and nigh-unanimous fan and even neutral analyst opinion.  Check out this take down:

When a team that spent over £150m on new players is steamrollered by Tottenham (0-4), Arsenal (1-5) and Manchester City (1-3), and limps to defeats against Bournemouth (1-2), Watford (0-1) and Burnley (1-2), people start noticing. They notice the lack of ambition and tactical nous, they notice a group of players devoid of belief and confidence, and they notice a manager who likes to talk about how great he is, how if his name sounded a bit more foreign he’d get bigger and better jobs, but who, in truth, is small time.

“Sam Allardyce is without doubt Everton’s most unpopular manager,” says David Downie, member of The Blue Room podcast. “Mike Walker’s woeful spell in the early 90s spares him title of ‘worst Everton manager’, but he’s been such a misfit of an appointment. Yes, he’s picked up home wins against the league’s fodder, but in regards to any hint of ambition against the team’s above us, it’s been a case of presenting the opposition with a white flag before kick-off.”

This is the polite, indoor version.  Go to nsno.co.uk on match day (especially), and you will see white hot rage at Fat Sam/Gravy Tits/That Arrogant Rotten Prick – take your pick.  And not just from, ahem, Evertonian in NC.  He is killing all that is Everton, and he is as un-Everton as could possibly get.  Negative, distrustful of young players, self-serving (dear fuck, if he gets a result today – against 8 or 9 in the Redshite XI who haven’t seen the pitch all season – he will NEVAR stop crowing about it.  He will commission a statue on his behalf.

So, yeah.  Derby Day is ruined.  I had to fucking bet on my own side to jinx it/comfort me in case we get a result.  This is the depth/toxicity of the poison.  Don’t believe me?  There’s a whole discussion of it here, and only a small handful can even gin up the enthusiasm to care at all about a win.  And nobody casts aspersions on those who fear what would happen with a result.  Everybody gets it.  Everybody is numb and punch drunk.  Even the WUMs have taken a break from fucking with people this week.

That’s “wind-up merchants” in case you were wondering.  Sort of like trolls.

In fact, I am intentionally caffeinating late on Friday night (as I type this) so I will sleep in and not be tempted to watch.

In between the Derby action, you have the disinterested handjob of 13th position Brighton and Hove v. 16th place Huddersfield (10:00, NBCSN), or the far more watchable relegation-threatened (but getting better!) Palace against coming back to draw every single week Bournemouth (10:00, CNBC).  The Cherries are in 10th position, and could easily catch Everton for that sweet, sweet 9th place moneys.

Sunday Funday’s double dip is just kind of there, with Arsenal/Soton (9:15, NBCSN) followed by Chelsea hosting West Ham in a potential upset special (11:30, NBCSN).  The Gunners are in 6th, but looking down at Burnley more than up at Chelski.  Soton are in 18th with a game in hand against other relegation fodder…but the way they’ve been playing of late, it doesn’t much matter.  They is going the fuck down, and none too soon.  David Moyes’ Hammers have clawed their way to 14th, but are in no way safe and need a win much more than “safely in 5th and staying there Chelsea.”  Remember that I said that.

FS2 is showing Bayern at Augsburg (9:20) and Schalke 04 at Hamburg SV (12:20) on Saturday.  The weaker team is at least at home, but these look like ass whoopin’s to Hippo.

BeIn has Monaco/Nantes from Ligue 1 (10:55) and Barca hosting/murdering Leganes (2:35), and that appears to be pretty much it.  I don’t see any other super cool Sunday matches that merit a preview ahead of time, anyhoo.

I am tired.  Forgot how hard this can be.  A hearty thanks to all who have picked up slack in my absence and encouraged me to try harder going forward.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]

248
Leave a Reply

Please Login to comment
89 Comment threads
159 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
17 Comment authors
King HipporockingdogRedshirttheeWeeBabySeamusGratliff Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

me: it’s called edging, you get close to cumming but stop so when you finally do it’s just wild.
uber driver dropping me off: well have fun.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think I would enjoy punching Rory McIlroy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Does it annoy me when professional golfers mark their ball, pick it up, fondle it, then put it right back down?

YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT IT DOES.

Fucking prima donna fuckers.

Redshirt

Either they do it so they can see the terrain of the Green, the angle and slope, or they simply enjoy fondling their hard, dimpled white balls.

rockingdog
rockingdog

professional golfers. The original “snowflakes.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Like the rest of Australia, Leishman is a parasitic disease.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leishmaniasis

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Patrick. You needed one more club length there my boy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s what she said.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha!!!! Suck it rest of the field. Patrick Reed has decided to fuck you.

herodotus450
herodotus450

[puts on Huey Lewis and the News]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

When does second lunch become first dinner? 4pm?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Gratliff

Alright, Caps. Need you to not suck here, so you can suck a bunch next week.

theeWeeBabySeamus

No sucking, Caps!!!!!!

Gratliff

They win, they get Philly. They lose, they get Jersey.

EDIT: Actually, Columbus is still in there too. EITHER WAY LET’S GO CAPS

FURTHER EDIT: LET’S GO CAPS OR PREDS BUT ABSOLUTELY NOT BOTH

theeWeeBabySeamus

You do realize that the first round is the wrong round to meet up with the Caps, right?

When your boyz could have helped themselves by overtaking the Yinzers, they shat the bed. It’s over for them.

Gratliff

Flyers get Boston if both Caps AND Predators lose tonight and I’d STILL prefer that over a Pittsburgh matchup.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yep. Don’t blame you. Bruins will pull the cheap suit act and fold more than likely.

Gratliff

Cheap shot act also very possible

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Too bad about the comma.

theeWeeBabySeamus

GODDAMMIT THIS CHILI I MADE TODAY IS STILL TOO FUCKING HOT I BURNT MY GOOZLE!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Gratliff

I move that we break from tradition and start referring to the Rangers as the Ice Vikings instead.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Big market team, original franchise, no discernible super stars and some championships long ago… Sounds like Da Bears maybe?

Fronkenshteen

So we can light their funeral pyres and push them out to sea?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m glad Patrick Reed got all his trouble with the Dyad Institute sorted out and was able to resume his golf career.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Gratliff

Claude Giroux ends his MVP season with a hat trick.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Helluva round by Rahm. Hope he enjoyed it because tomorrow the reckoning comes.
But he’ll still have a good payday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nice fookin’ shot, Patrick!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Azaleas should be OB.
Just saying.

Gratliff

Do the Rangers D men just hate Lundqvist at this point? They’re just letting him twist in the wind.

theeWeeBabySeamus

At least Rory gets to smell the pretty flowers.
Hehehehehe.

Gratliff

Sweet baby jesus, that jambalaya came out good. The 10 year old who was complaining the fumes coming off the pot were making his eyes water is attempting to eat his body weight in it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha, suck it McIlroy. Tried to cut the edge just a bit too much.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tommy Fleetwood looks like Aaron Rodgers wearing a disguise and faking an accent.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was thinking our lord and saviour Jeebus.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Rory done fucked up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit, fucker saved it.
Come on Patrick, you need one more bird before the day is out.

Redshirt

Nice job, FX, showing Captain America: The Winter Soldier and Deadpool, back to back.

Followning a smart movie because its so smart and engaging with a smart movie because it so dumb and fun.

Wakezilla

Captain America isn’t a smart movie at all

Gratliff

Flyers up 4-0 in the season closer now and I’m starting to feel bad for Henrik.

Gratliff

ONE HUNDRED ONE

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He has Dalmatians too?

Gratliff

“Too old and too injured”
comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yeah, seems like he’s dropped off quite a bit……..

Redshirt

“Three more assists. What? He can’t score his own goals.”

– Idiot Critics

Gratliff

CLAUDE GIROUX GETS HIS 💯

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah I know. Still a good song tho.
Finally true, too.

rockingdog
rockingdog

theeWeeBabySeamus

Uh huh.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Afternoon, gents. Been a productive day. Got up, made some calls, shipped Horatio some beer, took lady bfc to the farmers market, set up the replacement phone Verizon sent me FO FREE, and am now figuring out the evening. Sup round here?

theeWeeBabySeamus

We cured cancer. /s

/rolls eyes

Da Fuq you think is going on around here??????

herodotus450
herodotus450

[walks in leading pig named Cancer.]
So, we gonna do this?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

I found some gifs.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

comment image

rockingdog
rockingdog

If Samuel L jackson was a dog….

Horatio Cornblower

The Yankees base-running this season is enough to make me want to murder a toddler.

Not that I trust those little fuckers that much to begin with.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, toddlers can’t even handle getting murdered properly.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Whoa.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Dude.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, tell those little fuckers to go halfway on a fly ball, and they fuck it up every time.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, Everton didn’t lose!
/ducks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Redshirt

They really need to get better people at hardware stores. All I said was “I am looking for a 1 1/2″ Close Nipple” and then I’m getting people yelling at me, banning from the store and one hotel key.

https://www.amazon.com/Spears-Pipe-Fitting-Nipple-Schedule/dp/B00ALMCPM8

WCS

comment image

Gratliff

I have made many Home Depot/Menard’s/Lowe’s employees walk away when I try to tell them that their select and 1 common wood is actually 2 common and I can explain it with math.

I have also made many people I actually care about walk away when I try to explain to them that their knotty pine cabinets and trims are an affront to god and man.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Ace Hardware near my has has several old fuckers who know where everything in the store is at. Lowe’s and Home Depot do not have anybody like that, even the ones who are “in that department” don’t seem to know shit. Of course paying people $2 an hour is not going to get the best and brightest.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

theeWeeBabySeamus

/googles Lucy Woodhull

LOL…Woodhull

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

I’m a huge advocate of medicinal mozzarella.