Gravy Boat Ruins Derby Day (Also Whiny Baby German Elton John)

Oh yeah, Man City can also clinch their foregone conclusion Premiership title with a home Manchester Derby win (which would be pretty fookin’ sweet for them, if not coming off a humiliating hiding in the Champions League quarters).  That will be on big NBC at 12:30, and everyone will watch.  It was supposed to be puzzle piece #2 in a thrilling treble that would put the Blue Mancs in the conversation of “Best English Side in Forevs.”

But noooooo, their shittiness, along with some typical pre-match Redshite hooliganism, had to go and cock everything up.  Hippo Darkest Timeline continues unabated, and the German Elton John has to keep whinging about having to play shit-ass little Everton (with his reserves) at lunch time, like the bitch-ass little tosser that he is.

To be able to complete his hissy fit in the style he is accustomed (to his fawning Greek chorus press), Klopp is throwing this Manchester Derby (7:30 EST, NBCSN).  Throwing it with all his weenie might.  His reserves just might be enough to at least draw Everton, so I bet on a Blue win and draw (initial bet of 6.66 Ameri-quid each, MOAR as the lines increased).  But the win spread is still less than half of what it was a week earlier when City came to Goodison.

Because Klopp is throwing the Derby and everyone knows it.  The Redshite love nothing more than condescending the Toffees, and reminding them how much they don’t matter, especially to them (“why do you hate us so much, we only hate United, our real rivals“).

Fuck you.  Fuck you right in the fuck hole.

And we don’t need Fahrad Moshiri to have the faintest scintilla of an excuse to retain Fat Fucking Sam, against all rational evidence and nigh-unanimous fan and even neutral analyst opinion.  Check out this take down:

When a team that spent over £150m on new players is steamrollered by Tottenham (0-4), Arsenal (1-5) and Manchester City (1-3), and limps to defeats against Bournemouth (1-2), Watford (0-1) and Burnley (1-2), people start noticing. They notice the lack of ambition and tactical nous, they notice a group of players devoid of belief and confidence, and they notice a manager who likes to talk about how great he is, how if his name sounded a bit more foreign he’d get bigger and better jobs, but who, in truth, is small time.

“Sam Allardyce is without doubt Everton’s most unpopular manager,” says David Downie, member of The Blue Room podcast. “Mike Walker’s woeful spell in the early 90s spares him title of ‘worst Everton manager’, but he’s been such a misfit of an appointment. Yes, he’s picked up home wins against the league’s fodder, but in regards to any hint of ambition against the team’s above us, it’s been a case of presenting the opposition with a white flag before kick-off.”

This is the polite, indoor version.  Go to nsno.co.uk on match day (especially), and you will see white hot rage at Fat Sam/Gravy Tits/That Arrogant Rotten Prick – take your pick.  And not just from, ahem, Evertonian in NC.  He is killing all that is Everton, and he is as un-Everton as could possibly get.  Negative, distrustful of young players, self-serving (dear fuck, if he gets a result today – against 8 or 9 in the Redshite XI who haven’t seen the pitch all season – he will NEVAR stop crowing about it.  He will commission a statue on his behalf.

So, yeah.  Derby Day is ruined.  I had to fucking bet on my own side to jinx it/comfort me in case we get a result.  This is the depth/toxicity of the poison.  Don’t believe me?  There’s a whole discussion of it here, and only a small handful can even gin up the enthusiasm to care at all about a win.  And nobody casts aspersions on those who fear what would happen with a result.  Everybody gets it.  Everybody is numb and punch drunk.  Even the WUMs have taken a break from fucking with people this week.

That’s “wind-up merchants” in case you were wondering.  Sort of like trolls.

In fact, I am intentionally caffeinating late on Friday night (as I type this) so I will sleep in and not be tempted to watch.

In between the Derby action, you have the disinterested handjob of 13th position Brighton and Hove v. 16th place Huddersfield (10:00, NBCSN), or the far more watchable relegation-threatened (but getting better!) Palace against coming back to draw every single week Bournemouth (10:00, CNBC).  The Cherries are in 10th position, and could easily catch Everton for that sweet, sweet 9th place moneys.

Sunday Funday’s double dip is just kind of there, with Arsenal/Soton (9:15, NBCSN) followed by Chelsea hosting West Ham in a potential upset special (11:30, NBCSN).  The Gunners are in 6th, but looking down at Burnley more than up at Chelski.  Soton are in 18th with a game in hand against other relegation fodder…but the way they’ve been playing of late, it doesn’t much matter.  They is going the fuck down, and none too soon.  David Moyes’ Hammers have clawed their way to 14th, but are in no way safe and need a win much more than “safely in 5th and staying there Chelsea.”  Remember that I said that.

FS2 is showing Bayern at Augsburg (9:20) and Schalke 04 at Hamburg SV (12:20) on Saturday.  The weaker team is at least at home, but these look like ass whoopin’s to Hippo.

BeIn has Monaco/Nantes from Ligue 1 (10:55) and Barca hosting/murdering Leganes (2:35), and that appears to be pretty much it.  I don’t see any other super cool Sunday matches that merit a preview ahead of time, anyhoo.

I am tired.  Forgot how hard this can be.  A hearty thanks to all who have picked up slack in my absence and encouraged me to try harder going forward.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Gratliff

Love that “God Bless America” to start. Kate Smith may have been a bigoted old whale, but she sure did know how to start a fucking hockey game.

Redshirt
WCS

Yes, the uniforms are the real problem with Cleveland.

herodotus450

“dress for the job you want…”
Browns should just wear patriots uniforms

Redshirt

Knowing the Browns, they’ll dress at the wrong Patriots.
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Redshirt

Tiger Woods, I call him The Undertaker, because in spite of his past successes and skills diminishing due to age and wear n’ tear, people won’t him retire in peace!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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“Lend me your ear and I’ll sing you a song….”

Gratliff

Last game of the season and Claude Giroux, who I will remind you is not even on the list of Hart candidates, is 2 points from 100 in a season where he’s dragging this team kicking and screaming into the playoffs.

Gratliff

WrestleMania weekend in the Big Easy means it’s jambalaya time, and now the boy is whining that the “air is spicy” so I’m taking that as a good omen.

herodotus450

15(!) nhl games today, and only one of them could be bothered to start before 6pm dfo standard time

theeWeeBabySeamus

/returns from beer store
//turns on O’s/Yanks
///sees 3-3 tie

GODDAMMIT I THOUGHT THIS GAME ENDED LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup. I jinxed it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I was there for all 14 innings.

God I hate/love baseball.

scotchnaut

“Fuck your balls! Leave us alone!”

-Azaleas, The Masters

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Its like every time Winter seems to leaving, just before the door closes on it, it reenters yelling “And another thing!”

scotchnaut

“Winter traveling the road less-traveled? I got this.”

-Robert Frost

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

That was a few inches away from being one of the greatest GIF ever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Just imagine how bad food would be if the only source we had was 1950’s White America.

theeWeeBabySeamus

“A few inches”

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

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scotchnaut

“In a sea of conformity, you need to stand out. You should buy our mass-produced vehicle. Also, we’ve always been at war with Eurasia.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Z.Z. Top…… some time ago.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

*sigh* Time to go out in the rain to get beer I guess. Telekinesis still isn’t working apparently.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBYhQnjyrWo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

The Tiger Woods’ Masters continues…

#plusfour

herodotus450

“Plus four” was also his requirement for any Perkins waitress who wanted to come back to his hotel room.

scotchnaut

“Oh, baby! You like that? [looks at name tag] Dolores? Yeah, you like it like that. [finishes] Wow, that was great. Can I get some vanilla ice cream with that apple pie? You know how much I like vanilla.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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bk109

Ruh-roh, Shaggy. ManShitty scored on Manure … The wife will be most displeased
Edit: 2:0 now… I wonder if I can’t arrange to be called into work after I pick her from the airport? 😀

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m trying to decide if it’s worth $500+ for front row center to see Evanescence in July.
The catch is I’d have to buy the pair, so $1000+. And no guarantee I could find anyone to take the other ticket. But I’d really love to see them and be close enough to abduct…..errrrrrr, say hello to Amy Lee personally.

This is why being single sucks. Well one of the reasons, anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC1pI76Rqo

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

7 seems kinda arbitrary. And why are the Nazis in green unis? Was this a color rush thing?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure; everything else in the illustration seems entirely and painstakingly accurate.

Seven? It was in the early stages of clickbait….. before clicking.

scotchnaut

Gotta be honest-I’m getting tired of your Moose-splaining.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Keep reading for the top seven reasons Moose-splaining really works.

scotchnaut

Wish you’d gone with eight.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I only have six sponsors.

In spite of my repeated calls Fleshlight is not returning them..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also; don’t fucking read it then.

Sorry; my bad.

scotchnaut

I thought a ridiculous phrase like “Moose-splaining” would be a give- away but here we are.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

One of my sponsors is The Association of Overly Defensive Blog Commentors; A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S. is the acronym.

scotchnaut

We’re good.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m thinking of dropping them; not much cash in it.

herodotus450

For $20 I’ll legally change my name to Metolife and you can bring me.

scotchnaut

Phil Mickelson’s wardrobe: When you have to play golf during the day and perform at Folsom Prison at night and play rugby for New Zealand first thing Monday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Pictured/

The very start of up-skirt technology. As a male-centric, voyeuristic society we’ve cum a long way…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Shoe-cam (TM)

scotchnaut

“As God as my witness, I didn’t think people cheered for Tiger Woods anymore.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

When you hit a winner do you engage in a bit of gamboling? It would be apropos.

litre_cola

Teh Cottagers haven’t lost since Decenber 16. 2 pts off auto promotion now….

litre_cola

Made it. Guinness in hand.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ve just discovered I have to go out in the cold rain and buy some beer.
Someone apparently broke in last night and drank all of mine. 😛

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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...

Welcome to Chicago on April 7th where it feels like *squints at screen* 19 degrees outside.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HAHAHAH! Got us beat. Do you have snow? You need snow.

http://denver.cbslocal.com/2018/04/06/two-weather-records-at-rockies-opener/

scotchnaut

My guess for what female golf groupies are called? Tee-Birds.

herodotus450

18 Holers?

herodotus450

The Ball Washers?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Strange Lay-ers?

herodotus450

Easy Hole Location-ers?

scotchnaut

Club Fondlers?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Keepers of the shaft.

scotchnaut

Golf Swing-ers?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Paulina Gretzky?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HEEEELLOOOO!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hippo, I’m pleased that the Durham Bulls don’t dick around when it comes to weather delays.
Tonight’s game has already been called. tWBS can now commence to drankin’.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Woo! just slipped under the deadline at 11:58 EST. Folks, you can’t say you’ve been day drinking if you haven’t had your first in the morning.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey is anybody watching the Masters? How? I can’t find it on TV anywhere.

herodotus450

I’m watching a master. Not on tv though.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think until 3pmEDT (CBS) the only way to see ongoing live play is online.
https://www.cbssports.com/golf/masters/live/?ftag=SPM-03-10acc8j

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thank you my man.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m interested in the 9 ways to increase my sex power.

scotchnaut

9 seems arbitrary to me. How did the witches get to Stud Island though? I mean, I’m glad they got there because that couldn’t possibly have been a self-sustaining community.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Scott Pruitt!

(cause let’s be honest, a gambling addiction would be the *least* surprising thing at this point)

litre_cola

I guarantee that the Fulham game will be better than any Premier league offering in this window. Howevah I will have Guinness in hand at 1030 for the gloomytown derby.

litre_cola

I have my intl membership so I get it streaming. Howevah they have announced 3 moar games on sky which translates to yinz espn3

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

I’ve a weakness for these stupid jokes, probably because my grandfather had a dirty mag collection the size of which could choke a herd of elephants.

bk109

Eh, I think I need to contact the big guy in the sky (that I don’t believe in) to reimburse me for those 90 mins… Or at least comp me by chucking a lightning bolt at FatSam

litre_cola

I bet you that if you started a gofundme for the lightnening bolt that the folk who populate the Everton message boards would pay for it.

bk109

Well, it’s not exactly a Lightning bolt.. but it may do for ya lot – Just grab one of these puppies https://tanks-alot.co.uk/product/alvis-stormer-hvm/ and “accidentally” rear-end FatSam.. repeatedly

EDIT: BUY THIS ONE !!!! https://tanks-alot.co.uk/product/chieftain-tank/ 😉

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are wrong; I’ve seen MANY hugely obese men on airplane flights.

litre_cola

Everton should have 3 in the last 10 mins.

Fronkenshteen

GREAT production work there, catching Klopp’s bemused expression immediately after that free kick.

bk109

Oh,Feo… I assumed he’d actually become good after leaving us 🙁

Fronkenshteen

Alright! I have a pair of beautiful goldfinches hitting my suet cake feeder. Spring is springing, baby!

litre_cola

Fronk where you at? It was the coldest April 6th ever here!!!! I shityou not, witht he windchill it was -26 C. It is ok, they only keep records since the late 1800’s…..

Snow warning today!

Fronkenshteen

Woodstock, VA. High of 41 today, but looks like we’ll be in the high 60s this time next week.

litre_cola

Did I just look up Woodstock Va? Yes I did. Looks lovely near the national forests. Although I am sure the Dan Snyder smell gets out that far and the forests mask it.

Fronkenshteen

Skins fans are fun. Very glass is half full. Makes it fun when their dreams crumble every year.

Fronkenshteen

You thinking Liverpool might score here, Hippo? Could you live bet that?

Fronkenshteen

Oh. I saw Fiminho (sp?) go in & thought they might open it up & try for the win.

Fronkenshteen
bk109

Ohno, you’re starting to think the way FatSam wants you to think – that boring nil draws are actually a good thing… There’s only one known cure (aside from y’know, a managerial change) – BOOZE and plenty of it!

bk109

That’s how it starts – at first you just talk yourself into it as a reason to place a bet, but sooner than you might think you’ll see a succession of boring draws and the relegation zone barely beneath you and then, mate, then you’ll embrace the FatBastard…

bk109

An asshole that doesn’t actually know how to properly manage a team outside of “Bore them to tears and they’ll just stare at the time”-tactic he’s applied to teams big and small (regardless of, y’know, talent) and with the personality of a particularly unlikeable (and easily punchable) school bully… Remind me again, why the fuck is he still getting job offers?!
Edit: For the record, I’m not in any shape or form condoning violence on school bullies, regardless of the satisfaction you get after you LITERALLY kick the shit outta ’em and of the appreciation you may get from your classmates for doing so 😉

litre_cola

Jesus normally I am happy when Decilitre gets me up to watch teh footy but this game is so boring I may switch to Norwich v Villa.

Fronkenshteen

Jesus, you can HEAR how starved for action the crowd is.

litre_cola

Teh Mighty Fulham plays Sheffield Wednesday today with a win they move to within 2 pts of auto promotion. Little kown fact, teh Whites (nawt raycess) haven’t lost a match since Dec 16. DECEMBER!

bk109

Wow, the Merseyside Derby is so boring, it ought to be reason enough to ban Allardyce from the game forever.
Also, since apparently the first step on the road to recovery is admitting you’ve got a problem… well… forgive me y’all, but I actually gave a fuck about the Europa League on Thursday and actually watched my boys destroy CSKA live (on a workday)

bk109

I like the Russians, actually (I was born in a country with a rather intertwined history with them), plus y’know, I like my tea to only contain tea, so… y’know.. 😉 As for my guys, well, they did put me in a bit of a pickle, because at 1:1 I apparently used some language that shouldn’t be used in front of the kiddos (I’m brainwashing them into them loving the misery that is being an Arsenal supporter, because the alternative is way worse – to support United like ze wife *pukes* ), but in my defence – all their cockups flashed before my eyes XD

bk109

Eh, to be honest I believe that all major governments (outside from Ireland’s and Sweden’s) are about as equally deserving to be purged in the glorious second rising of the proletariat (but this time the revolution WILL.BE.IN.4K3D!), though I definitely see why he and his tools are problematic (especially for my portfolio)

Fronkenshteen

Wow. Everton took a hell of a beating at halftime by Rebecca Lowe & Co.

Fronkenshteen

Young Fronkenshteen has the very first match of his career today. His U-8 Warriors squad will be taking on…uh….another team who will be wearing the green t-shirts instead of white. It’s 5 v 5 with NO GOALIES (take the over, Hippo!), and should be a lively contest.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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