World Cup 2018 Peru Preview: Cocaine is a hell of a drug

The guy in the featured image is Inti, God of the sun. As you can tell, he isn’t fluting around. Inti is revered as the most significant God in the Incan state. Legend has it that he is the son of Viracocha, the god of civilization, and that Inti was created at Lake Titicaca. Tee hee hee.. . caca.

Anyway, neatly linking the gods to mankind, the first Inca leader and founder of the civilization, Manoc Capac was believed to have been instructed by Inti on how to govern his subjects. When the Incans were getting prepared for war, they would pray to Inti for guidance and usually followed that up with a sacrifice. I’m sure Inti will get a few prayer calls from the Incans that are watching Peru play at the Lesser Footy World Cup.

Here are some quick facts about Peru’s lesser footy national team. Feel free to listen to some Peruvian Metal while reading these facts.

Nickname: La Blanquirroja (The Red and White), Los Incas

What their nickname should be: Sons of Inti, Straight outta Titis

Coach: Ricardo Gareca (since February 2015)

FIFA Ranking: 11

World Cup Draw: Group C with France, Australia and Denmark

Fun Fact: Peru hasn’t lost a game since 2016.

Peruvian National Dish: Ceviche

Kit: Honestly, it’s one of my favorites:

Squad:

First, lets summon Apu, the Mountain God!

GOALKEEPERS: Pedro Gallese (Veracruz), Jose Carvallo (UTC), Carlos Caceda (Municipal)

DEFENDERS: Luis Abram (Velez Sarsfield), Luis Advincula (Lobos), Miguel Araujo (Alianza Lima), Aldo Corzo (Universitario), Nilson Loyola (Melgar), Christian Ramos (Veracruz), Alberto Rodriguez (Junior), Anderson Santamaría (Puebla), Miguel Trauco (Flamengo)

Analysis: Just like Apu made the Incan empire difficult to conquer with its abrasive terrain, Peru’s defense is one of the best in South America– despite not having any defenders that are featured in a major European league. They may lack in stature, but are very aggressive and work well as a team. Their small size could be exposed by France’s Olivier Giroud, who is 6’4, or Denmark– who is the 4th tallest team in the tournament– and is led by 6’5 striker, Emperor Bendtner.

For the midfielders, Apotequil, the God of Lightning best exemplifies this corps.

MIDFIELDERS: Pedro Aquino (Lobos), Wilmer Cartagena (Veracruz), Christian Cueva (Sao Paulo), Edison Flores (Aalborg BK), Paolo Hurtado (Vitoria Guimaraes), Sergio Pena (Grenade), Andy Polo (Portland Timbers), Renato Tapia (Feyernoord), Yoshimar Yotun (Orlando City)

Analysis:

This is likely going to be Christian Cueva’s coming out party. Like Apotequil, Cueva is as fast as lightning because he is always on the ball. He will be expected to be the set up man for Peru. One of the guys he will be setting up is attacking midfielder, Edison Flores, who scored 5 goals in 12 qualifying games. If these two can continue to click, both will likely be signed to Joe Flacco Elite European clubs by the end of the World Cup. Most importantly for Peru, it should also mean Peru will get out of the group stage.

I’m not sure how much playing time he is going to get, but keep an eye out for Renato Tapia, as he began to get more playing time as qualification ended. Funny story: He was originally with Liverpool, but was cut because he was deemed too small. Two years later, he is now 6’1 and doing well in Feyernoord.

Incans will look to Pachamma, the Goddess of Fertility, for Peru’s offense. . .

FORWARDS: Andre Carrillo (Watford), Raul Ruidiaz (Morelia), Jefferson Farfan (Lokomotiv Moscow)

Analysis:

Peru scored the third most goals during qualification. However, Latin teams that have been absent from the World Cup–this is Peru’s return to the World Cup after a 36 year draught– tend to play conservatively the first couple of games before they showcase their talent. By that time, it is usually too late. If Peru can play their style of game from day one, they should attain the second qualifying spot. But there is one glaring omission that needs to be addressed.

Supay: The God of Death:

FIFA and Paolo Guerrero (Flamengo) hold the key to how far Peru will go. Guerrero is Peru’s all-time goal scorer and heart and soul of the team. Recently, he was suspended by FIFA and is expected to miss the World Cup. The reason?

But all is not lost, yet. Guerrero swears that he didn’t actually snort cocaine, but accidentally consumed it while having Peruvian tea (which is made from the coca leaf). Guerrero’s lawyer got his suspension reduced by getting a little freaky. Long story short, the Children of Llullaillaco are three centuries-old mummies found near a volcano with the same name. The children, who ranged in age from 6 to 15, were discovered in 1999, about 500 years after their deaths.

The eldest of the three mummies, dubbed the Maiden, tested positive for benzoylecgonine, just like Guerrero. Since cocaine as a drug wasn’t invented until the mid-1800s, benzoylecgonine being evident in her teeth, proved that one could test positive for cocaine by consuming the coca leaf. Therefore, as Guerrero’s lawyers explained, if coke was evident in her system, 500 years after she had consumed it, of course it would be in Guerrero’s system.

Guerrero remains suspended, but a mass movement–which includes Peru’s president– has emerged over the past few days in order to get FIFA to remove the suspension. They’re even prepared to take FIFA to Switzerland’s Supreme Court over this ruling. Even the captains of the teams Peru will be facing have asked FIFA to drop the suspension.

Final Thoughts:

With FIFA being FIFA, I expect a lot of back door bribes occurring to ensure Guerrero plays. If that’s the case, Peru will take second place, beat Argentina in the round of 16 and lose to Spain in the quarterfinals. If FIFA decides this is the hill they will die on and Guerrero remains suspended, I think Peru will tie with Denmark for second place, but Denmark will advance based on goal differential.

To Peruvians, that may feel like Anal Vomit.

 

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litre_cola

I think Colombia will have the best tourney for South American sides.

ballsofsteelandfury

Agreed

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Since I’ve never met anyone from Peru, we’ll have to go next door to Bolivia for a story. I met a woman from Bolivia on the D.C. Metro one time and got to chatting with her – she was dressed in the standard black pants/white shirt of a restaurant worker. Her English wasn’t great, but it seemed like we were getting along so I asked for her phone number. She wrote it out for me but then, very strangely, crossed out the final digit and changed it to something else.

MORGAN FREEMAN VOICE: I wish I could tell you that Rikki took the obvious hint, and let that poor woman be. I wish I could tell you that, but DFO is no fairy-tale world.

(actually, when I tried the original number, she answered and said no thanks, and that was the end of it).

Man, when are we gonna get to the countries where these stories don’t make me look so pathetic and thirsty?

ballsofsteelandfury

If it’s any consolation, I was having a conversation with a coworker today whose father traveled to 48 countries before he died. He had traveled throughout South America and said the only ones who were assholes to him were the Bolivians. Didn’t know why.

Now I do.

ballsofsteelandfury

Also, I really think we should start a recurring feature: Around The World With Rikki’s Penis.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Please don’t bring me into this. I find this whole thing to be terribly embarrassing.”

– Rikki’s penis

ballsofsteelandfury

Obligatory: Cocaine is a Hell of a Drug!