Show Some Respect

INT. FOX BROADCASTING BOOTH – NRG STADIUM, HOUSTON, TX – NIGHT

JOE BUCK: Good evening, folks! Welcome to Thursday Night Football, here in downtown Houston, as we wait to watch the 2-6 Texans take on the 1-7 Miami Dolphins, in what is sure to be a thrilling kickoff to Week 8! I am Joe Buck, joined, as always by Troy Aikman.

TROY AIKMAN: Yes, Joe. It is sure to be a absolute bare-knuckle brawl as these two teams fight to stay competitive in their divisions. The Texans are coming off a thrilling 6-3 surprise win over division rival Jacksonville last week, whereas Miami posted their highest point total of the season: 13, in a loss to the Detroit Lions, who put up 45. That game was just about as ugly as that thing you call a beard, Joe.

BUCK: [Completely ignoring] Before we get ready for this game to get underway, let’s send it down to the field as we honor America with a rendition of our National Anthem.

The broadcast cuts down to the field where Shania Twain approaches the 50 yard-line with a microphone in hand. All the players in attendance are standing along the sidelines with their hands over their hearts.

SHANIA TWAIN: [Deep breathe] Ohhhhhh say, can you seeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

A series of whistles sound as a flag is thrown towards the Texans sidelineThe singing stops and the stadium becomes silent.

BUCK: Now that’s a shame, Troy. It looks like Texans Guard, Jeff Allen has knelt during the Anthem.

AIKMAN: That’s right, Joe. Here the referees are now helping him to his feet and escorting him to the locker room where Bob McNair is almost certainly waiting for him to collect the fine money associated with this act. There might even be release papers involved.

BUCK: The Commissioner certainly will not be happy about this either, as other players have received up to an 8 game suspension for similar actions during this 2018 season.

AIKMAN: Well it looks like everyone is set and we are ready to resume our National Anthem.

A whistle sounds indicating a return to play.

TWAIN: …By the dawn’s early light…

A series of whistles sound as a flag is thrown towards the Dolphins sideline.

BUCK: Hmmmm, it appears there has been another violation, but I can’t seem to see anything from here.

AIKMAN: The crew seems to be pointing at Dolphins Wideout, Kenny Stills.

SHAWN HOCHULI: [Turns on field microphone] The following play is under review.

BUCK: Troy, I am getting word now that Stills looks to have slipped on the field and that his knee could have made contact with the ground during that motion. Let’s check the tape.

BUCK: That’s very close, but it looks like his hand saves him from the spill. You see the daylight there?

AIKIMAN: The knee never touched the ground, Joe. What control this kid has. This should be an easy decision for the folks in New York. And here come the officials…

SHAWN HOCHULI: [Turns on field microphone] After further review, the call is overturned. The receiver’s knee never made contact with the ground. The play is ruled as an incomplete disgrace.

BUCK: That’s a lucky break for Stills, especially considering the season he has had so far.

AIKMAN: Yeah, but this is still up for review with Roger Goodell. He could be looking at a 2 game suspension since this was ruled as a “incomplete disgrace” rather than a “non-disgrace,” and there tends to be a fine associated with that too.

A whistle sounds indicating a return to play.

TWAIN: …What so proudly we hailed…

A series of whistles sound as a flag is thrown towards the Texans sideline.

BUCK: It looks like the Texans Coach, Bill O’Brien is the subject of this foul, Troy.

AIKMAN: That’s right, Joe. Standby… I’m hearing from the team that Coach O’Brien farted during the Anthem!

BUCK: Oh, that does not bode well for his job. After this slow start, many questioned whether he would be at the helm going into next season, but I’m starting to wonder if he’ll even be coaching this team next week after the disrespect that he has shown our nation on the field today.

AIKMAN: Now O’Brien is appealing to the officials and pointing to something on his play sheet.

BUCK: Ah, yes. This likely has to do the rule change this offseason from “Denied It, Supplied It,” to “Smelt It, Dealt It,” which was originally put into place by Paul Tagliabue in the 90’s.

AIKMAN: Hochuli does not appear to be buying this excuse, Joe and– AND there he goes! Bill O’Brien has just been ejected from this game!

BUCK: That certainly will do nothing to help the Texans in this one. He is now being shown to the locker room and… And now the players reset to their positions.

A whistle sounds indicating a return to play.

TWAIN: ….At the twilight’s last gleaming….?

A series of whistles sound as a flag is thrown towards the Dolphins sideline.

[Banner image via]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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Don TBeastmode Ate My BabyblackroseMD1Rikki-Tikki-DeadlyBrick Meathook Recent comment authors
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Don T

I lost it fully at “incomplete disgrace”. 🏆

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Ohhhh…holy shit this is funny! Read it to IWDB and she couldn’t stop laughing.

So, yes, it’s just like sex! There, beat you guys to it.

blackroseMD1

Bill O’Brien being fired for farting during the anthem would be the most NFL thing ever.

That cracked me the hell up.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is great! The pictures are perfect!

When I was looking at the first image, all I could think was that someone really needs to talk to Joe Buck about that hobo beard and just grow it or shave it dude . . .

. . . and then Troy chimes in with the perfect timing that made him a three-time Super Bowl champion and certified mush brain! Hooray for us all!

SonOfSpam

Very well done. And with the Milwaukee PD electrocuting that Bucks player for blackening up the area, the NFL’s timing couldn’t be better.

Bunch of fucking assholes.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
ballsofsteelandfury

Incomplete disgrace made me giggle. Well done!!

King Hippo

it’s funny ’cause it’s very likely true

Beerguyrob

How can they worship the flag when they already worship Mammon?

BTW, this was fucking excellent.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[reads news article that proposal of a fifteen-yard penalty for kneeling during the anthem has been shot down]

[hurls newspaper at the ground in disgust]

– BEERGH

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

The thing is, I could definitely see this happening. Can we go ahead and replace Orwellian with Goodellian? I mean Trumpian is for a narcissistic view point completely divorced from any sort of reality occupied by humans, lizard people, or beings from the beyond.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Ooo, maybe in an incredible display of unintentional irony, the penalty flag being thrown to the ground for disgrace fouls could have the American flag on them!