Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- The Losers’ Investment Club: American Renal Associates – September 13, 2019
- The Losers’ Investment Club: Kroger – September 6, 2019
- Request Line: In Good Hands – August 30, 2019
INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY
The PRODUCER sits behind his desk, while a harried-looking DJ3000 escorts a pale-faced and shaking ROOMBA to the exit.
DJ3000: …AND I PROMISE YOU THAT WE WILL NEVER ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN.
ROOMBA: [makes sad chiming noise, leaves]
PRODUCER: Man, I’m surprised he didn’t just quit on the spot.
DJ3000: HE’S REALLY WORRIED ABOUT GETTING DISPLACED BY THE 2019 MODELS THAT ARE COMING OUT THIS FALL.
PRODUCER: That’s rough. Good thing technology will never replace us, right buddy?
DJ3000: UM…YEAH. [scans for system updates]
PRODUCER: But seriously I had no idea that Justin Blackmon would make such a mess.
DJ3000: I WAS HOPING HE’D BE FUN.
PRODUCER: Me too. But man, that was just depressing. Hey. So for guys like the Roomba and you, is a show like Battlebots similar to how football is for humans? You know, like gladiator battles? Or it is more like a horror movie?
DJ3000: MAN WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS ASKING ME ABOUT ROBOT SHIT?
PRODUCER: No, I just meant cause Roomba was…
DJ3000: LIKE JUST BECAUSE I’M A ROBOT YOU THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL ROBOTS.
There is a buzzing noise as the receptionist allows someone into the back offices.
PRODUCER: [with some relief for the distraction from a discussion about robot-human relations] Oh good, that must be today’s host.
— [door flies open] —
TERRELL OWENS: Gentlemen.
PRODUCER: Welcome! Thanks for joining us. You ready to get oriented?
T.O.: Show me the ropes, brother.
The PRODUCER ushers TERRELL OWENS into the studio and takes him through the basics, which he picks up with little difficulty. The PRODUCER emerges and counts things down to begin the show.
PRODUCER: Good afternoon, and welcome to yet another edition of Request Line. With me is Terrell Owens of…the Edmonton Eskimos?
T.O.: For now. They have a ten day window to sign me. And then I’m flying, like a bird.
PRODUCER: So you’re still playing football.
T.O.: Oh, absolutely. I’ll play until my arms fall off. Or my legs.
PRODUCER: Congratulations on being perhaps the first football player ever inducted to the Hall of Fame while he’s still on an active roster.
T.O.: Well I appreciate that. I’m not thrilled that they waited this long to call my number, but it’s an honor nonetheless.
PRODUCER: Speaking of which, you publicly said you have no intention of attending the ceremony.
PRODUCER: But you said that…[reads from a piece of paper]…”At a later date, I will announce where and when I will celebrate my induction.”
T.O.: That’s right, and I’m thrilled to give you the honor of my announcement. I’m going be having my own induction ceremony. But it ain’t gonna be in that backwater nowheresville Canton. It’s going to be in Cleveland, son.
PRODUCER: You mean…
T.O.: That’s right! I’m having my induction ceremony at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!
PRODUCER: Oh wow.
T.O.: We’re gonna have a big-ass party, we’re gonna have as much liquor as you can drink, we’re gonna have a big barbecue, we’re gonna have Morris Day and the Time playing…
PRODUCER: That actually sounds like a lot of fun.
T.O.: You wanna come?
PRODUCER: Of course I want to come.
T.O.: Great! It’s $100 per ticket, I’ll put you down for two? I gotta get my deposit in with Morris Day’s people before the 28th or they say they’ll start looking for other bookings…
T.O.: Anyhow, let’s get this show on the road. Today’s theme is Rock and/or Roll. I’m talking songs about rocks, and I’m talking songs about rolls, and I’m talking about songs about both. I’ll get us started with a DOUBLE SHOT from The Jesus and Mary Chain.
Editor’s Note: Today’s theme is “rock and/or roll” – songs have “rock” or “roll” or both in the title. In order to have videos appear in comments, you don’t have to mess around with embed codes or anything, just post plain links as such: “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tre45on_we@se1”. When you hit refresh it should show up as embedded and you can rock out at your leisure. If your link doesn’t pick up, an admin will try to help out.