Sure Thing: A 2018 Green Bay Packers Preview Post



I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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Welcome to your 2018 Green Bay Packers preview. Now, before we get too far into this number, I need to point out that I am not a Green Bay Packers fan. I’ve really got little against the franchise — I like that they got the small-town-owns-a-franchise thing going for them, though the riding bikes to training camp thing is a bit….well, let’s just say Green Bay can keep it.

I like Aaron Rodgers. I like him as a professional, a quarterback, and a fantasy football piece. I never feel bad about rooting for the Packers when Rodgers is at the helm. That said, I will always feel fine rooting against Green Bay because of Clay Matthews.

And while I think it’s great that DeShone Kizer escaped Browns purgatory (a term I use very loosely here), I’m not sure what it means for his career that he’s tucked away on the depth chart as QB3 behind Brett Hundley.

“That pass dropped Deshone behind ‘roll’ and in front of ‘Wilhelm the Second’ on Hue Jackson’s list of Kaisers he can win with.” -BrettFavresColonoscopy

Now, that all said, I’ve got very little to build on from the 2017 Packers Preview, Complacent Indifference, penned by one Shogun Marcus. It’s the Packers. They’re a known quantity. Aaron Rodgers plus a couple decent wide outs (this year it is Randall Cobb and Devonte Adams plus newcomer TE Jimmy Graham) will tool an offense that carries an average-at-best defense to a likely division title. How likely? Well, according to Wikipedia, Green Bay has won five of the last seven division titles. Also, when I talk about the defense, exclude Ha Ha Clinton-Dix – that dude isn’t the overrated tackle-missing problem.

You suck, Matthews.

Is Packman_Jon still around? I ask because, according to Twitter, his account has been suspended. So, he’s either Russian/imaginary, like all of you; or he made violent threats against the Vice President on their platform, like me.

Not that any of this matters because, if you’re like me, Go Pack Go, is probably a pretty common out-of-market broadcast on your NFL Sundays. And since they’re lined up for three Sunday Night Football games this season, plus their mandatory TNF/MNF appearances, all of America will be getting their regular dose of Cheesehead praise in games at New England, Seattle, Minnesota, plus home contests against San Francisco and Chicago (Opening Weekend). So I don’t need to sell you on this team because you’re already sold.

So you know what that makes the Green Bay Packers?

That’s right. A GOT DAMN Fisher-Price Rock n Play. A fucking sure-thing for both parents and Mattel executives but a totally underwhelming product. You put this thing together and, with it’s lack of component labeling and useless four-languages-on-one-page instructions — which basically read, “I know the parts all look identical but they actually aren’t. And they should take a little work to put together but not too much. And if a piece doesn’t seem to be fitting then you either need to push a little harder or you have the wrong piece. But everything you need is here so just assemble it correctly and you won’t have any problems.”

Much like the Packers, the Fisher-Price Rock N Play is every *B-School* douchebag’s wet dream. It costs too much. It takes too much of a time investment. It’s made up of non-proprietary pieces so 99% of the supply chain is never at risk. But everyone knows its name and, like it or not, the fucker works. But not before making you go to the store/Eagles game for (2) C batteries because, hey, it’s cheaper to add some fine print than throw in a power source on a product with 800% built-in profit.

I mean, let’s just ask childcare expert, Amazon Customer:

You got Aaron Rodgers, an above-average receiver, and some hair ties? Then Green Bay is in the hunt. So while you could sit here an analyze Mike McCarthy’s 12+ years of head coaching experience, what really matters is the rest of the NFC North. Bovada has the Vikings at +135 to win the division, Green Bay at +140 — and then +650 and +700 for the Lions and Bears, respectively.

So it’s a two-team race. But that’s just the way it goes in these legacy industries. Minnesota or Green Bay? Yankees or Red Sox? Verizon or AT&T? Mattel or Hasbro? At the end of the day, does it really matter? If you’re a Green Bay fan — which, I assume is everyone between Duluth and where they found that dead girl on Making a Murderer — then it matters. To those of us who’d never even think about* putting Scott Walker in any type of office, MIN/GB are two sides to the same Midwest coin.

So enjoy your Packers games this season. They’re a good team.

*Arizona would totally elect Scott Walker to anything. 

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
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Green Bay Packers at the Bye: A 2018 Green Bay Packer Bye Week Update – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] mentioned in the Packers preview, the 2018 Packers were expected to be a potential playoff bubble team. Green Bay is now technically […]

King Hippo

Ahem, WC1 belongs to Janeane Garofalo, and The Bearistocrats! Are taking that goddamned division. So I hope they learn to love that 6th seed.


This was delightful.


Jimmy graham is happy there is an NBA team closer to where he is playing this year.

yeah right

Aaron Rogers? Anthony Barr.
Anthony Barr? Aaron Rogers.

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This was too exact to have been randomly generated. WITCH!


Nicely done, Blax.

(Last said by Jerry Richardson looking out over his newly-cleared plantation)

And the pic at the top is adorable, if you ignore the fact that the kid will soon be an annoying cheesehead.


Well done.

How many frustrated hours were spent putting the swing together Blax?


Good jorb!
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Wow. Spot fucking on.