Properly Kicking Off 2018-19 Lesser Footy

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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Yes, Sulky-assed Mourinho’s United and what tattered remains of Lester played a wet fart of a Friday nighter, but the sooner we forget that happened, the better.  On to a full slate of magic!

Spurs are at the Barcodes to start us off (7:30, NBCSN).  Now, the toothless ones flirted with relegation last season, and based on their cheapskatedness in the summer, look as if they could easily do so again.  But they’s tough at home, and will be well fired up for a prestige opener.  Spurs had lots of players who went balls deep into World Cup play too, so don’t be surprised by a halftime Newcastle lead, and/or an eventual draw result.

A 4-match 10:00 window you expect, and what you get.  Only Huddersfield hosting yet-again-in-turmoil-ish Chelsea is on the tube (NBCSN), with Litre’s beloved Fulham (home to Palace) leading the NBC Sports Gold line (and the above gift of the day is Margot Robbie in her Fulham scarf).  Yeah Right’s Cherries also host “we’re just here to collect our check and go right back down, thanks” Cardiff, whilst the Moose-Hornets get the Seagulls in the nickname Derby.

Oh yeah, Everton get the opening Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC).  Problem is…shiny new central defenders Yerry Mina and loanee Kurt Zouma won’t be ready in time, so home side Wolves look primed to give the Blues a proper hiding.  Regardless, there are goals in this’un for sure, so do tune in.

OK, the wakey-wakey Sunday match is the Redshite beating the piss out of West Ham (8:30, NBCSN).  Watch Soton/Burnley on NBC Gold or dodgy Eurostream if at all possible.  New-look Arsenal hosting Man City (11:00, NBCSN) is a damned fine way to close out the weekend, though.  A great early indicator whether the Blue Mancs will reprise their role as steamroller who crushes all hopes and dreams (like life itself, ya know?) or if the Gooners want to rejoin a more competitive joust at the top of the best League in the world (added to annoy Balls).

And that is that.  The Froggies are the only other liga mejor that starts this weekend, and I will be damned if I can find a compelling matchup there (I even tried, FFS).  Enjoy this as a warmup to various pre-season festivities, ye fuckin’ degenerates.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well NighBuddy Cole's Halftime Show!King HippoRikki-Tikki-DeadlytheeWeeBabySeamus Recent comment authors
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

Ever punch a horse in Newcastle… ooooooon weeeeeeed?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s kind of wild that the AL East has two teams above .600 and the entire National League has none.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

“Dems can’t even make a fake cover of a REAL magazine. Sad.”
-Donald T.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Shall I have another Cuba Libré?”

– Rikki’s internal monologue

[I think we all know how this scene is going to play out]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Manager of quality control at the Chinese (Beijing plant) sex doll factory.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Echo?

What?

Eh?

scotchnaut

Need sleep.

theeWeeBabySeamus

There’s a “no peanut butter left” joke here.
It might involve a dog.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

European Vacation had some underrated moments.

“He may pork her, Russ. Eat. “

theeWeeBabySeamus

I hate that one, mostly because of the casting of Russ and Audrey. They both annoy the shit outta me.

Now, Audrey in Vegas Vacation? You betcha!!!!!!

Please note how well she has aged…

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Plus, this never gets old….

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ballsofsteelandfury

Vegas Vacation is by far the best. Audrey is gorgeous. She’s on Riverdale now. Yum.

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image/revision/latest?cb=20170306210754

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Imma need to start watching that I suppose.

scotchnaut

I miss the word ‘fraught’.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Dude really meant it when he gave the instructions “Defend yourself and obey my comands at all times”.

Fronkenshteen

This Maryland football story is horrendous. I hope criminal charges are filed.

scotchnaut

“Table five needs more ice water and you’re glued to your phone. One more strike and you’re out, mister! AND QUIT STARING AT MY TITS!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d rather see them die than real turtles.

litre_cola

That is because you are soft. IF YOU WERE A TERP WE WOULD MAKE YOU HARD!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Couldn’t happen to a better set of assholes.

scotchnaut

“Natalie Portman starring in a ‘Field of Dreams’ reboot! Who’s with me?”

-Hollywood executive 30 minutes before he gets fired

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Having just re-watched Field of Dreams last night (yes, seriously)…

If she builds it, I will come.

Hehehehe.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The European version; it’s a soccer field, she has to be on the nude beach most of the time…. I’ll have to limit the fetishes I put in here or the pitch will takes days.

scotchnaut

Does chili pair well with egg noodles and drunkingness?

/asking for a shithead

ballsofsteelandfury

Obviously

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You’re getting dangerously close to Skyline territory, to be honest.

scotchnaut

Making chili on a super-hot day because…I don’t know.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

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Mother requested that I do something.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gov. BROWNback? Where is he when you need him?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I can’t upvote that enough.

scotchnaut

“Once you start staring into those gorgeous blue eyes, yer gonna want to redistribute wealth all over the gotdamn place! We can’t have none of that!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Who has one of these fucks at work?

scotchnaut

There’s only one but she’s a youngster with an unbelievable body. I consider that a wash.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You’ve seen her in the shower?

scotchnaut

[makes plans to install showers in the workplace, plans to blame Moose if things go sideways]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“It’ll be fine.”

theeWeeBabySeamus

Maybe she likes it “sideways”.
Let’s not rule anything out.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I stripped a bunch of dried basil seeds off one of my plants earlier and now my hands smell delicious.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I’m not falling for that. Again.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit. I just looked in the fridge/freezer and realized I never bought alcohol this week because I was sick. Now I’m feeling better and I wanna damned drank, but now I gotta put shoes on (probably should put on a clean shirt too I guess) and go out in public.

DAMN YOU ALCOHOL SEMI-ADDICTION!!!!!!!

(hehehehe, I said “semi”)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

So that’s what “Eat a bag of frozen dicks” refers to.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s icing, sugary sweet icing, but yeah. It seems a lot less angry this way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Something we can celebrate.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Not what I thought ‘Moose Treats’ would look like.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

These are pastry and not Moose trail apples, so eat them from balls or tip; your choice.

litre_cola

I am better now. No, fuck it I am still really mad at our new keeper. Fuck that guy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Anyone else on dinner duty after this game?

scotchnaut

Nah, I drew the short straw and got hostess duty. On the bright side, I look smashing in a tight black dress.

litre_cola

Those pumps make your ass look great

scotchnaut

What are you doing after we get out of the weeds?

theeWeeBabySeamus

You got weed????

Asking foar a friend.

litre_cola

Yes. Yes i do.

theeWeeBabySeamus

*sigh*

I miss California.

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Don’t over do the flair; It makes you look cheap and easy.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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yeah right

Nope. Going to a new beer release party at the brewery today.

Tomorrow though!

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Yep, I have bone-in pork chops marinating as I type. The high today is only supposed to be 94F with some high clouds so I thought I’d grill a bit. Later though, around sunset.

scotchnaut

Hippo, is Everton a good counter-attacking team or is Wolveretc wanting on D?

Fronkenshteen

Uhhh…that was a sports bra, no?

scotchnaut

Seems obvious to me that he isn’t getting enough support from his family.

Fronkenshteen

HIPPPOOOOOOO!!!!!!

scotchnaut

Umm, that was a cheeky thingy of a goal. Wowzers!

scotchnaut

scotchnaut

Much like Einstein’s space traveller, time is slowing down for Hippo.

scotchnaut

Pickford made himself big when he needed to

Oh to be young again…

Fronkenshteen

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scotchnaut

How To Antagonize My Wife:

Just open up a second jar of peanut butter before the first one has been emptied. Repeat every time a new jar has been purchased.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Xeno’s Peanut Butter Jar.

scotchnaut

“huh?”

“what”

“AHHH!”

-me, just now

theeWeeBabySeamus

Scotchy: Smooth or crunchy, Dear?
Mrs Scotchy: We’re not talking about peanut butter anymore, are we?
Scotchy (giggling): No.

Fronkenshteen

Not for nothing, but what the hell is going on with Dez Bryant? Why were the Cowboys so eager to cut him loose when it leaves them so thin at WR. And why is no one showing any interest in signing him? I get the Cleveland thing because Josh Gordon (which, what the fuck, man?), but NO ONE ELSE could use a fast, strong, big-bodied target with great hands? I can’t read what’s between the lines here.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Maybe Jerry found out his mom retired.

scotchnaut

My guess* is that GM’s see another T.O. that pulls locker rooms apart and makes everything about him. You know, OBJ in two years or so.

*pulled out of my ass with no concrete confirmation of any kind whatsoever

scotchnaut

Hippo muttering to himself on the bank of the river Nile right now…

scotchnaut

Pickford might have gotten a glove on it if he hadn’t jumped to his right beforehand.

herodotus450
herodotus450

He didn’t trust his wall smh even though he paid for it

scotchnaut

If I was him I’d have gone with a hedgerow. Much more fitting.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“Things Sasha Grey loves to hear.”
[Rips open envelope. Blows into it.]
“Down to 10 men at the forty minute mark.”