Your “Quick & Dirty Because I’m Slow & Dirty” Wednesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Sorry – the pre-school year meetings took more time than I thought, so if this is published on time please forgive the errors.

NFL News:

  • Aaron Rodgers got paid!
    • It’s a four-year, $134 million extension, and contains a record $57.5 million signing bonus and will earn more than $80 million by March 2019.
      • So, I guess he really doesn’t need his parents.
  • Oh, and while he was at it, GM Rodgers Brian Gutekunst traded Brett Hundley to the Shithawks Seahawks.
    • They got a 2019 6th-round pick in 2019 for Hundley.
    • This means Aaron is backed up by DeShone Kizer.
  • The Jets have done the ridiculous and traded Teddy Bridgewater to the Saints.
    • He was sent down the bayou along with a sixth-round pick, in exchange for a third-round pick in 2019.
    • The Jets are daring to go with the feared Sam Darnold / Josh McCown connection.
  • Not your usual Crimebeat! story: Former Eagle (where it happened) & current Brown (where he was charged) Mychal Kendricks was charged with insider trading.
    • He admits it, which will surely gain him additional punishment from Roger Goodell, since the one thing Browns ownership cannot tolerate is insider trading.

  • The Seahawks extended Tyler Lockett with a three-year, $38 million extension.
    • Earl Thomas, meanwhile, sits patiently by the phone.

Tonight’s sports:

  • U.S. Open Tennis:
    • Second Round – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Blue Jays at Orioles – 7:00PM | Sportsnet / MLBN
    • Diamondbacks at Giants – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1 / MLBN
  • MLS:
    • Portland vs. Toronto FC – 10:30PM | TSN3

Scotchy’s got you tomorrow for the final night of NFL preseason, and I assume Seamus has got his usual Friday Night Jamboree all planned out, so I’ll see you folks on the weekend. Woo-hoo: three-day weekend! UGH – BACK TO SCHOOL TUESDAY!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.

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Brick MeathookBrettFavresColonoscopySenor WeaseloMoose -The End Is Well Nighnomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

But did he kneel when they played the anthem at his insider hearing arraignment?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Senor Weaselo

¿Olé?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

I’d enjoy my droit du seigneur with her.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I like being reminded of when I said something funny I don’t remember saying.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This is fucking great

Fronkenshteen

RUN the FUCKing BALL!!!!

Sorry. Just getting ready for the Jest regular season.

Redshirt

Stop using stupid one-yard WR screens!!!

I’m ready for the Bengals regular season.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

You missed “Goddammit, another pass interference?”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rooting for the other team: “DEFINITELY pass interference.”

Redshirt

Dirt Bengals and Dirt Packers? are having a football like baseball score. Plus the dozens of people who showed up to the game gets free pizza.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

I would

WCS

The local Yinzer news just said another coal plant will be shutting down in 2021.

I’M SO TIRED OF ALL THIS WINNING!

King Hippo

Hillary’s e-mails to blaim obvs LIBTARD

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

It’s nobama’s fault, because he doesn’t want anything black to be successful, because he is the REAL racist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

deep state tool deet out of our bug spray.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I think he’s trying to fart and not shit in his pants.

ballsofsteelandfury

Monica Seles. That brings back beautiful masturbatory memories…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

(watching TV in Ohio in an Election Year)

TV Commercial Voice Over Voice: “Sign on to our website and we’ll send you a list of all candidates that will be on your ballet this November who opposes abortion. Together, we can overthrow the wrong….”
Me: “Let me stop you right there.”
TV Commercial Voice Over Voice: “…ful Roe v. … Excuse me?”
Me: “Do you have a ballet for those who support Trump so I’ll know who not to vote for?”
TV Commercial Voice Over Voice: “Well, no, but…”
Me: “Thanks for your time.”
TV Commercial Voice Over Voice: “Butdon’tyouwantto…” (changes channel)
Buster: ♪♫♬ “We’re tiny.” ♪♫♬
Babs: ♪♫♬ “We’re toony.” ♪♫♬
Buster and Babs: ♪♫♬ “We’re all a little looney.” ♪♫♬

WCS

Just spent three days at Put-In-Bay, with DirecTV, which meant no local channels. Thank the Lord.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I went to school, and lived for 3 years post grad in New Hampshire. Election years were the WORST

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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WCS

I think I just lost about 50 brain cells reading that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m sorry, man. Two snifters of whiskey would have tasted a lot better.

Redshirt

That’s why I block FOXNEWS. At least MSNBC gets me a laugh in a “holy crap, they really believe this?!” kind of way. FOXNEWS makes me sad in a “holy crap, they really believe this?!!” kind of way.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Tiny Toons is legit.

King Hippo

I loved that shit back in undergrad

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I read that Mychal Kendricks is looking at 8-12 months in prison. And people say nobody ever gets punished for white-collar crime.

[pulls up image of Mychal Kendricks]

Oh, right.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

Browns already cut him because Haslem can’t stand anybody better than him at anything on his team.

Wakezilla

Saw this on Twitter today. A comparison of John McCain and Jar Jar Binks:

“Jar Jar fought in the battle for Naboo, John fought in Vietnam.

Jar Jar became a senator, John became a senator.
Jar Jar helped grant Palpatine with emergency powers to go to war with the separatists, McCain rallied Bush to go to war with Iraq.

Now in the EU, Jar Jar became something of a hobo street performer in Theed, kind of like a Jack Sparrow or Silverman at an outdoor mall. Jar Jar entertained children, but was well despised by adults for his part in the war. While John McCain entertained liberals with small acts of “defiance” but died with neither side liking him and being dunked on Twitter for his remaining days.”

I’ll also add: Jar Jar Binks is a racist caricature, John McCain was racist.

rockingdog
rockingdog

this is so great!

herodotus450
herodotus450

McCain was also the funniest Senator we’ve ever had.

Fronkenshteen

Wrong. Al Franken was in “Trading Places”.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

I…I don’t know who to defend here; Jar Jar or McCain.

Senor Weaselo

Well, there’s the theory that Jar Jar was actually a Sith Lord and the mastermind of the whole situation and that got cut because people would have rioted (more), if that makes you go one way or another.

Redshirt

Either that or a Fallen Anakin Skywalker holding the severed head of Jar Jar and the entire prequel trilogy gets instantly redeemed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You Trump supporters really hate McCain.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Is that Muffy the Vampire Layer I see?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So it turns out Buffy was Jeff George the entire time?

Spur
Spur

Aaron Rodgers is going to be hurt by week 6.

WCS

Then we’ll get to see the genius of noted football mind, Mike “The Beav” McCarthy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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herodotus450
herodotus450

How many beards does Aaron Rodgers need?

Redshirt

In other news, the sky is blue and water is wet.

rockingdog
rockingdog

movie night?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Pretty sure that’s a sin according to Rivers

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Once you go walrus….

Wakezilla

Only if it moves

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought he was an…… outside linebacker.

WCS

Boooooooooo

Take your +1.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

Folks

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

I have fixed the hall toilet. The handle no longer needs held down in order to flush. Any other miracles needs performed while I have been touched by godly powers?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Oh look at Mr. Carnegie over here with a “hall” toilet. What’re you too good for a bowl like the rest of us?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think he means the toilet the help have to use.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Or maybe it’s the toilet that only Deangelo Hall is allowed to use. We all have those.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It won’t be covered on the deep in route.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was going to make steak sandwiches with garlic aoli tonight. Adding any vegetables would just ruin it, right?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Garlic is a vegetable, right?

rockingdog
rockingdog

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litre_cola

Onions!

Redshirt

Grilled onions!

Senor Weaselo

Is it a spicy garlic aioli?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That play makes me sick to my heart to watch, but it really was a testament to Von Miller’s greatness.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

More of the tackle & PC watching film and thinking “You know if we cut him it will slow him down.”

But yeah; it takes a lot.

They need to give Mack the money.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

From the SBNation Raiders blog:

BetDSI Sportsbook recently put out their odds and they have Amari Cooper with an over 975 yards (-125) and under 975 yards (-105). What this means is that if you bet $100 Cooper hits the 975-yard mark and he does, you would make $25 back on your original $100 investment. On the flip side, if you wager $100 Cooper misses the mark, you would only make $5 back.

I think we should invite the author of this to a poker game and every time he wins a hand tell him that actually he lost because the other guy has a royal sampler.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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rockingdog
rockingdog

I’ve always loved this gif. Its a great metaphor for finding a girlfriend.

Senor Weaselo

The person in question is the dog in this case, right?

rockingdog
rockingdog

I am the rockingDOG!

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

[first day as safari guide]

me: ah yes on your left you can see some uh [forgot my glasses]

guests: [looking at flamingos]

me: i’m gonna say cotton candy

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Redshirt

One more day to NCAA Football games. We can do this!

Senor Weaselo

“Hey!” -Wyoming and New Mexico State, because that game was on at the bar I was at Saturday night

scotchnaut

[shields his eyes against the Spotlight]

-Pope Francis

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Redshirt

You misspelled “responsibility”

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

This time, I think, the shit is going to get real. There’s a weird subculture in the Catholic clergy that everyone has known about since the 1970s at least, and even with all the prior abuse scandals that subject was still avoided and side-stepped, and offenders were talked about as aberrations when they most certainly were not. You watch what is about to happen.

herodotus450
herodotus450
rockingdog
rockingdog

conference call simulator anyone?

http://conferencecall.biz/

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

*eye twitch*

herodotus450
herodotus450

The Seahawks trading for an unproven Green Bay backup quarteredback? I KNEW it was 2013 and you guys were trying to trick me!

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

Honestly for the Browns…this is the best “scandal” in their history.

Redshirt

The 1995 Relocation would be calling but Art Modell sold the phones for money.