Latest posts by Darkest Timeline Zack Morris (see all)
- Ramming Into the Future: The 2019 Los Angeles Rams Team Preview – August 12, 2019
- Your Oh Crap, Nobody Wrote a Monday Open Thread – August 5, 2019
- Your Thursday Evening Holy Cow It’s CARDINALS SEASON! Open Thread – July 25, 2019
OK, I get it. The old Snickers joke has been done to death, but it still makes me laugh, so fuck you.
Anyway, we are here today to talk about the Chiefs, a terrible franchise. Here’s the deal with the Chiefs. They have seen players commit suicide in the parking lot of the stadium. They presided over the demise of Joe Montana. They brought in Andy Reid, the failurest playoff coach this side of former Chiefs head coach Marty Schottenheimer. Just read this sentence from their Wikipedia page: In 2007, Trent Green was traded to the Miami Dolphins leaving the door open for either Damon Huard or Brodie Croyle to become the new starting quarterback. Holy shit, that is depressing.
The Chiefs are one of those teams that tease with regular season competence. They are always a leading contender to go 11-5, win the division, and flame out in the playoffs.
Their only competition is a feckless Broncos team starting a mannequin at QB and a lame-duck Raiders team with one foot out the door. Oh, the Chargers and their dollhouse stadium are there too. A real murderers row in the West.
The Chiefs boast some fun players, as always. Tyreke Hill, apart from being a real piece of shit as a person, is one of the most exciting players in the league, the kind of guy that can take a punt or a 5-yard slant to the house at any time. Kareem Hunt is a really fun back to watch, capable of plowing a guy over or outrunning them to the corner. They even brought in the corpse of Sammie Watkins, proving that real football teams get fooled by Sammie Watkins just like I do every goddamned year in fantasy. They have bitch Gronk Jason Kelce, seen here getting destroyed by Von Miller,
and (I’m contractually required to call him this ) Gunslinger Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes is the son of famed pitcher Pat “Pour Out a Little Liquor For” Mahomes, and has a CANNON. He is also unsure where many throws are going. He’s the anti-Alex Smith, and could either destroy or elevate this team. Who knows which? NOT ME. Don’t forget all-time Berman nickname Eric “Sleeping With” Bienemy as their new offensive coordinator. Say what you will about Boomer, that is a great fucking nickname.
Defensively, Marcus Peters threw a flag into the stands and had to GO, obviously. I mean, why not move your only solid defensive back for a ham sandwich (I mean, Andy had to get something out of it)? Eric Berry is coming off of a torn Achilles (and he seems like a solid human, so I wish him the best.) They have human rocket Justin Houston on the outside pass rush and he’s a monster, but the rest of the front seven is fairly pedestrian, a terrific recipe for a backfield that can’t cover.
The Chefs are going to be a fun team to watch as long as you don’t think too hard about Hill being a dick. They’ll score a bunch of points, give up a bunch of points, Mahomes will turn the ball over a ton, and they’ll entertain at worst.
Andy Reid is still there to botch the clock management, always one of my favorite things to watch. Seeing Andy Reid trying to figure out timeouts, when to challenge and when to run clock is like watching me try to figure out where a bar is in Mexico. I can speak Spanish, but don’t really understand it, much like Andy can coach, but doesn’t comprehend the concept of time.
Prediction: Bovada has the Chiefs at 8.5 wins. That seems like the right ballpark, so I’ll call it an under. I think turnovers and poor defense keep them at 7-9 this year, regardless of the ineptitude of the other teams in the division.