Great Googly Moogly – It’s the Chefs Preview

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

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OK, I get it.  The old Snickers joke has been done to death, but it still makes me laugh, so fuck you.

Anyway, we are here today to talk about the Chiefs, a terrible franchise.  Here’s the deal with the Chiefs.  They have seen players commit suicide in the parking lot of the stadium.  They presided over the demise of Joe Montana.  They brought in Andy Reid, the failurest playoff coach this side of former Chiefs head coach Marty Schottenheimer.  Just read this sentence from their Wikipedia page: In 2007, Trent Green was traded to the Miami Dolphins leaving the door open for either Damon Huard or Brodie Croyle to become the new starting quarterback.  Holy shit, that is depressing.

The Chiefs are one of those teams that tease with regular season competence.  They are always a leading contender to go 11-5, win the division, and flame out in the playoffs.

Their only competition is a feckless Broncos team starting a mannequin at QB and a lame-duck Raiders team with one foot out the door.  Oh, the Chargers and their dollhouse stadium are there too.  A real murderers row in the West.

The Chiefs boast some fun players, as always.  Tyreke Hill, apart from being a real piece of shit as a person, is one of the most exciting players in the league, the kind of guy that can take a punt or a 5-yard slant to the house at any time.  Kareem Hunt is a really fun back to watch, capable of plowing a guy over or outrunning them to the corner.  They even brought in the corpse of Sammie Watkins, proving that real football teams get fooled by Sammie Watkins just like I do every goddamned year in fantasy.  They have bitch Gronk Jason Kelce, seen here getting destroyed by Von Miller,

and (I’m contractually required to call him this ) Gunslinger Patrick Mahomes.  Mahomes is the son of famed pitcher Pat “Pour Out a Little Liquor For” Mahomes, and has a CANNON.  He is also unsure where many throws are going.  He’s the anti-Alex Smith, and could either destroy or elevate this team.  Who knows which?  NOT ME.   Don’t forget all-time Berman nickname Eric “Sleeping With” Bienemy as their new offensive coordinator.  Say what you will about Boomer, that is a great fucking nickname.

Defensively, Marcus Peters threw a flag into the stands and had to GO, obviously.  I mean, why not move your only solid defensive back for a ham sandwich (I mean, Andy had to get something out of it)?  Eric Berry is coming off of a torn Achilles (and he seems like a solid human, so I wish him the best.)  They have human rocket Justin Houston on the outside pass rush and he’s a monster, but the rest of the front seven is fairly pedestrian, a terrific recipe for a backfield that can’t cover.

The Chefs are going to be a fun team to watch as long as you don’t think too hard about Hill being a dick.  They’ll score a bunch of points, give up a bunch of points, Mahomes will turn the ball over a ton, and they’ll entertain at worst.

Andy Reid is still there to botch the clock management, always one of my favorite things to watch.  Seeing Andy Reid trying to figure out timeouts, when to challenge and when to run clock is like watching me try to figure out where a bar is in Mexico.  I can speak Spanish, but don’t really understand it, much like Andy can coach, but doesn’t comprehend the concept of time.

Prediction: Bovada has the Chiefs at 8.5 wins.  That seems like the right ballpark, so I’ll call it an under.  I think turnovers and poor defense keep them at 7-9 this year, regardless of the ineptitude of the other teams in the division.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
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WhyEaglesWhyMoose -The End Is Well NighHoratio CornblowerRikki-Tikki-DeadlyRedshirt Recent comment authors
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WhyEaglesWhy

That Chefs joke never gets old!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

#19

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let’s not forget; one of the most gif-able moments.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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My P*triot hate is irrational; I hate them more than the division rivals.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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“ANDY ALMOST MADE ME THE ULTIMATE SINNER ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! SORRY PORKBUTT, MY SPECIAL SAUCE IS RESERVED ONLY FOR THE MRS. AND THE LORD!”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I KNEW IT!

Good one.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Andy Reid knew his pre game meal at Taco Bell would come in handy during the game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Laserface is freaked out because it almost looked like he was dancing.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Andy would be a lot more receptive towards this if they filled the cooler with molten chocolate.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Also;

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Especially the Von Miller video. Still Kelce is as they say “A MATCH UP NIGHTMARE, PEOPLE.”

Sharkbait

Jose Mourinho would have better clock management skills in the NFL than Andy Reid.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And apparently better facial expressions.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I could easily see your prediction being accurate; MAholmes being brilliant some games and a dipshit in others, then when there is enough film on him and DCs catch up a strong fade the last part of the season. I see the teams in the division being close too (mediocre). Someone stays healthy and makes it to 10-6 they should wrap it up.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Now that the Don’s have Pac; the Chefs are DOOOOOOOOMED.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

May the spirit of the Golden Keg always be with you.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Reid is the coach that will get you jist close enough so he doesnt get fired and ownership is happy while never winning the big games.

Game Time Decision

this feels like what most teams shoot for

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least the owners and their management anyway.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I can speak Spanish, but don’t really understand it, much like Andy can coach, but doesn’t comprehend the concept of time.

Way to make me audibly laugh at the urinal.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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You’re reading this at the urinal? Perhaps apt.

blaxabbath

I was just thinking today like, I think Josh Rosen will be a franchise QB. Every team needs a franchise QB and, all-in-all, it seems like teams are just going the route of paying the man when they got one on their roster. Yeah, your Rodgers and Brees late-career contracts are little questionable but you gotta assume these teams know a thing or two about when the health wheels are gonna come off these guys. Especially teams who have had success with QBs on their rookie contracts (see: Wilson, Newton). Will TB extend Jameis? Personally, I think he’ll have a good week 4 and they’ll pull the trigger.

Point is, I can’t believe how much Alex Smith has been passed around. Dude is a good quarterback and now he’s going to his THIRD home that probably won’t want to just pay the man and make him their guy for next seven seasons. It’s surprising to me is all. Of course, maybe I’m just overestimating his play but Smith seems like a guy you can build a winning offense around (see: SF before going with that-guy-who-hates-the-troops).

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

To be fair Alex Smith IS a slut.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

“Pay someone a fair market value for their goods and/or services? Not on my watch!”
-D. Snyder
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Redshirt

There is always QBs like Alex Smith in the NFL. Someone that is a above-average, solid player, not amazing, but gets the job done. Hard part is GMs don’t want solid QBs as they feel they don’t get people the in seats.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Andy wouldn’t have gotten rid of Smith unless he felt secure in his doughnut…. err job.

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Redshirt

I always liked Eric Bieniemy when he stumbled into Cincinnati for four years. He always played hard.

Aw, hell. Now I have to root for the Chiefs.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Going back to his CU days; Bill McCartney’s (ultra-christian asshole, but good college coach) daughter had a kid with then CU player (QB) Sal Aunese. Although McCartney knew that Aunese was the father, he allowed several of his non-white players to take unnecessary paternity tests before Aunese was identified as the father. This spawned the joke about Sleeping With Bieniemy what the movie Sleeping with the Enemy came out. I and my friends beat that joke to dust as one would expect.

Good times.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

Coach has some nerve to talk about his players’ protection problems. His daughter keeps running naked bootlegs every other night!

Horatio Cornblower

Wait, what was the point of that? “Rather than acknowledge that my daughter had a kid with a black guy, I’m going to imply that she’s been passed around the locker room by letting several white guys take paternity tests.”

I mean, I think I’ve provided ample proof that I’m a complete wash-out as a responsible parent, but even I wouldn’t go that far.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh my God how have I not seen this gif before? I must be browing the wrong websites.

Redshirt

The real question is how did this not show up as a weekly GIF quotables? This could’ve broken the site.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Send that man to the showers!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This was quite a while ago; it started showing up on THE SITE THAT SHALL NOT BE MENTIONED. You’ve seen it; it is just hysterical memory amnesia.

Redshirt

Ah, selective amnesia. That’s how I survive life.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thing about the Chiefs is that the ball always seems to bounce their way during the regular season, and then somehow all that luck balances out in a magnificent blast of karmic retribution during the playoffs. Last year’s loss to the Titans was as good of an example as you’ll ever see. Beyond Mariota’s miracle self-pass, there were numerous drops, close (but legitimate) calls, and of course that final pass off [generic Chiefs receiver]’s fingertips that was just three inches overthrown.

Redshirt

(raises beer in salute, drops bottle, spills beer in lap)

blaxabbath

Andy Reid imagines a magnificent blast:

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Horatio Cornblower

Andy Reid’s toilet goes into a catatonic PTSD state when the phrase “magnificent blasts” is mentioned.