2018 Quotables – Week 4 (Submissions)

Good morning West Coasters and good afternoon to the rest of y’all. Welcome to another week of Quoteables. Your usual host Blax was on vacation in lock down in Oakland this weekend and I was happy to fill in as we try and raise enough for bail. Provided he suffered non-fatal stab wounds during his stay (the Raiders did win, after all,), you’ll have him back at it soon. I didn’t catch any NFL games this weekend myself, as I was too busy enjoying the Padres steal home to walk off in extras, ending the season against the Zonies in a completely meaningless game on the last day in September. EXCITING STUFF. This is what happens when you’re still mad at the League, apparently. I hope you’re fucking happy, Rog.

Before we get started with all the goods below, I have questions about just what in the hell the Packers are doing with that flag in the banner image? Did they put Trent Green in charge of buying the flag? Can you get CTE just by breathing the air at NFL stadiums now? How many shares of stock did the Packers have to sell to custom make that stupid thing? Did they even play the US anthem with that out there? Is that how they’re planning to get around the whole kneeling controversy? Did the Yammander in Chief change the flag this weekend? If he did, that’s getting pretty close to looking like a Russian flag with stars, doncha think? Is there going to be any thinly veiled racial outrage over using that thing while the Packers “honored America?” Wait, I can answer that last one: No. No there will not.

Alright, that’s enough out of me. You know what to do, so get to it!

The Saints fumble and then recover for a gain on a punt

Kyle Long with a face that says “Oh, I live up to my name alright.”

Earl Thomas saying farewell to his teammates

Marshawn Lynch reminding Coach Gruden not to use him on special teams

Tajae Sharpe and his team celebrating a score in a totally original and spontaneous fashion

Josh Lambo, after drilling a 54 yard field goal before halftime

Golden Tate scores a touchdown against the Dallas Cowboys

Fun fact: this guy also has the Ray Lewis statue tattooed on his lower back and will show it to you even if you didn’t ask or want him to

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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UnsurprisedblaxabbathSonOfSpamBrettFavresColonoscopyballsofsteelandfury Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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I know this isn’t yours, but I wanted to share it and also mention that I wish I had been able to go to Freaknik when I was younger and it still existed.

In April 2010, Atlanta officials said “there are no permitted Freaknik-related events inside the city limits.” Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed also said that “he will be tough and even sue organizers of any Freaknik-related activities who violate city guidelines”.

This guy’s a bigger asshole than the star of Goatse.

blaxabbath

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Thanks to Mr Tate, now all the Cowboys defensive backs will be enjoying Golden showers. What?

SonOfSpam

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Jaguars choreographer: “Ok, after you make the kick, give me a ‘white guy overbite arm spasm’ then finish with a ‘half-Gramatica with a pike.'”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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And what happened then? Well in Yinzerville they say that LeVeon Bell’s agent’s erection grew three sizes that day.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Check it, you know how I be
Last week Fat Matt couldn’t do without me
Ya know how I be
Last week Fat Matt couldn’t do without me
Patricia think he all dat cuz he learned from Bill B
Patricia think he hot cuz he rode along with Brady
Excuse me, This is my Big D
Detroit Rock City I am the Big D
Cuz if Barry was still here, he would be right there
Hanging with me at the Whiskey
Chillin sitting on about half a billion
But still without a Super Bowl ring
Forreal dawg now that’s B-I-G
There ain’t nobody in the world can bring Detroit the Lombardi
That’s like Cleveland trying to be less depressing than the D
That’s like Andy Reid using timeouts responsibly
That’s like Boss Todd driving his Camaro less than full speed
That’s like Judges having temperaments like they’re 13 and angry
That’s like you saying to yourself you better than me
That’s like ole Double J swearing off pussy
Now stop, think about that, it ain’t about that
Its about the Fuck Lions a.k.a. Big D
Now that’s the difference between first and last place
Aw, Hell, I’m Golden “How My Ass” Tate

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Video evidence that O’Doyle in fact does not rule.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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How did you get a picture of the President’s bedsheets?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You know, the ones he doesn’t cut eyeholes in.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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This is how Green Bay fans both dance and spell their home field.

ballsofsteelandfury

Earl Thomas gif:

Oh, you gonna bring up Bell? Yeah, here.

ballsofsteelandfury

For Lambo gif:

“Pfft, amateur. Call me when you rape an American”
– Ronaldo

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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“Why’s he celebrating?”
— Blair Walsh

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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WHAT’RE THOSE!!!!!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Pretty sure that’s a Lambo, dude.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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When I was told that this week’s Quotables included a gif of a Lambo jumping, I assumed it was going to involve Johnny Manziel.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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I get to keep my job!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I get to keep my job …

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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This clip was taken just after Kyle had handed Khalil Mack a note that read “Guess who likes you.” Later, they had to pack Kyle’s ears with gauze.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“Can you hear this over the sound of the ’12th Man’ taking the side of management? Need me to…turn it up?”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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“He knocked it on…HE KNOCKED IT ON! HOW ARE THE REFS NOT CALLING THAT?” – the NFL’s lone viewer in New Zealand

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Sam Kinison is back from the dead, but like all the undead he suffers from a terrible curse. In this case, it’s being a Ravens fan.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Haven’t multiple people injured themselves doing shit like this?

blaxabbath

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I thought the Fozz spawn were busy enjoying little league right now?

blaxabbath

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Apparently the Giants players had to take a second to consider if the new rules allowed them to pursue a botched punt return. The NFL front office is expected to provide comment on this play by the end of the day Wednesday.

blaxabbath

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In the ref’s defense, once fourth-round pick Joe Schobert gets his hands on Marshawn Lynch, who wouldn’t expect the play to basically be over?

blaxabbath

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Can’t believe that dude couldn’t make it work with Anna Faris.

blaxabbath

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Shit, that guy standing next to me at the Coliseum who is definitely Tupac was more dead than that play when the refs blew the whistle.

blaxabbath

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Impressive but I’m pretty sure Tampa Bay is going to be the first team to see a 300 game this season.

blaxabbath

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Bill Gramática…..exhales.

blaxabbath

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Damn – and I thought his return at the 2002 VMAs was as low as Axl Rose would go.

blaxabbath

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I know they’re trying to win back the MAGA crowd but Dallas should reconsider only letting their DBs turn right.

blaxabbath

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“Fuck you and your flat Earth, Coach.”

Beerguyrob

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Sadly, the following Monday Tajae Sharpe was fined $50,000 by Commissioner Goodell for reminding people of the inappropriately named Dick Weber.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Our dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammers QB won’t be the only one kissing titties tonight.”
Wink-wink, nudge-nudge

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Who’s filming this, Abraham Zapruder?

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“It seems that he also injured his hand on that play, as he’s clearly showing the coaching staff where it hurts. Back to you guys in the booth.”

JustStopDude
JustStopDude

The insane thing is each one of the plays shown in these gifs resulted in a penalty on the Browns last week.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Roger Goodell fined Baker Mayfield $50,000 for each of those penalties?

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Ah, yes. Here we have the interpretive dance commemorating the Twelve Tasks of Hercules. How droll.”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Thunder. THUNder. ThunDER. THUNDERCATS!!!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!”

nomonkeyfun

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One can’t show disrespect for the flag if it isn’t actually shown.
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blaxabbath

Hey — if the MAGA crowd was still watching the NFL, I’m sure Green Bay would have represented them with the 37% of the Russian flag that they all salute.

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“So nice to see 2019’s Miss Baltimore Harbor in attendance at tonight’s game.”

Game Time Decision

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I want to fly like an eaglea raven
To the sea
Fly like an eaglea raven
Let my spirit carry me
I want to fly like an eaglea raven
‘Til I’m free
Fly through the revolution

Game Time Decision

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Shown here is how Donald Jr draws the American flag

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m encouraging everyone to refer to that dickface as “DoJu”.

Game Time Decision

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What a show-off, sticking the landing like that.
-M Gramatica

blaxabbath

Ahhh! Props. Didn’t see this.

Game Time Decision

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There was no knock-on here, back to a scrum

nomonkeyfun

Don’t kneel. You must respect the flag and follow the flag code…
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“Yeah, exactly. I stand for the national anthem.”

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nomonkeyfun

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The flag was thrown pre-emptively for a showboating celebration. It would only be considered valid if Double J gave the Rog a blowie.

nomonkeyfun

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“No Thomas wasn’t angry with the owner. He was just telling off his teammates for not making him spend more time in practice.”

-NFL publicists (AKA ESPN “reporters”)

LemonJello
LemonJello

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/Frantic audio tech scrolls through his iPhone playlist, looking for Yakety Sax to play us out to commercial

nomonkeyfun

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Lambo also celebrates like this when he beats a 5 year old in Jeopardy. To be honest that game is more even.

Sharkbait

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OVER THE LINE!