BOLTMAN GROUP Presents – The Sound of the Beast

♫ Set to the music of “The Number of the Beast” from Iron Maiden ♫

GHOST OF JUNIOR SEAU:

Woe to you, oh Span-oiiii,
for the deal you made sends the beast with wrath,

Because he knows the time is nigh…
Let him who hath electric dance moves reckon the sound of the beast

For it is a human sound,
Its beat is… STOMP… STOMP…. and CLAP.

DEAN SPANOS:

I left alone, my mind’s always blank,
No time to think, just get more money from these rubes.

Why aren’t they here?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE, that ticket prices would be so low and not a fan-ta-sy?

Just what I hear, from all my men,
“It’s all San Di-ego’s fault and not reee-al-ity.”

Yet in my dreams, he’s always there!
The evil face of untold rage that brings financial despair!

BOLTMAN:

[UPS THE IRONS] 

OOOOHHHH YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

SPANOS:

The skyline was bright, thought it would solve my mon-ey’s plight,
‘Cause I just had to see, it must be worth renting from Kroenkeeeeeee!

In the smog, no home fans to break or rob,
Was all this for real, or just my own made hell?

STOMP, STOMP CLAP, the sound of the beast,
Why, are so many players, begging for death’s release?

The sun’s light blazed and 3rd down stops aren’t praised,
As away fans start to scream, I must pull off this scheeeee-me!

In the fight, LA’s riches glow-ing bright
I look to the skies, and cannot believe what flies!

STOMP, STOMP CLAP, the sound of the beast
The monnnn-ey fight, is canceled for to-night.

BOLTMAN:

[HEAD BANGS ALONG TO MULTIPLE AIR GUITAR SOLOS]

SPANOS:

This can’t go on, I must inform the League.
Can this still be real? How am I this fatigued?

But I feel drawn back towards the thundering hordes,
Dollar signs mesmerise, I must ignore their cries!

STOMP, STOMP CLAP the sound of the beast,
STOMP, STOMP CLAP the one from S-D.

BOLTMAN:

THEY’LL BE COM-ING BACK!
NO SPANOS WILL RETURN!
BOLTMAN WILL REND YOUR SOUL AND MAKE YOUR BODY BURN!
BOLTMAN HAS THE CHARGE!
BOLTMAN CAN HEAR YOUR DOOM!
BUT IT’S THEIR LOVE OF RICHES THAT WILL LED TO A PENNILESS TOMB!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
Please Login to comment
11 Comment threads
5 Thread replies
0 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
11 Comment authors
Low Commander of the Super SoldiersThe Right Reverend Electric MayhemMoose -The End Is Well NighLemonJelloRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Hardcore. Only question: is this meant to imply that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is one of the Elder Gods?

LemonJello
LemonJello

There can never be enough elder god content on this site!

comment image

“BOLTMAN KLAATU BARADA NIKTO!!!!!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I fucking love Halloween here.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Didn’t know Boltman uses that off-the-shelf teeth whitener; that stuff is hard on the enamel, man.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WHOA; THIS IS FUCKING WEIRD.

That’s why I like it so much.

comment image

yeah right

Up the Irons!

Hail Boltman!

Nice fucking job.

Beerguyrob

It also helps to picture Graham Chapman teaching Dean math in an empty church.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If any Spanoi could read, they would be devastated by the hate on this here blog.

ballsofsteelandfury

Luckily, this post had a lot of helpful pictures.

blaxabbath

THIS BLOG I CALL IT A MAGA RALLY BECAUSE THEY HATE SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE WITH FUNNY NAMES!

Game Time Decision

The head-shot of Boltman is nightmare fuel
/well done

ballsofsteelandfury

This is why I didn’t volunteer to write anything for this Halloween. No way I could write anything as good as what I’ve read today.

Great job, boys!

blaxabbath

In lieu of Tide ads, can I get my in-game broadcast commercials changed to Time Life Presents: The Best of Boltman?

comment image