You had all weekend to do this. Why the fuck are you trying to do this at the last second?

Thankfully there were only three games this week. I’ve been busy. We got a tree last week, which means that I’ve spent the past week trying to convince my two year old daughter that pulling ornaments off the tree is not the way to get into Santa’s good graces. Now she makes sure to wag her finger and tell me “Don’t touch” before slowly walking over to the tree and yanking the shit out of the cheap ornaments.

Also, my aunt hosted a Christmas party, because apparently my family is a business that features company holiday parties. I don’t believe anybody hooked up in the broom closet. In the last few years my aunt has taken to hiring caterers. This isn’t a humble brag, mind you. I’m not saying that I can casually hire caterers. I still live in a basement apartment that I can’t afford. But she can, so now I see a bunch of shy people in black shirts working at the same house where I celebrated Christmas when I was 8 years old. I wasn’t able to mill in the kitchen because that’s where the workers were stationed. A stranger poured me wine and handed me beer by the staircase. It’s just sort of weird to see a place where I have walked around in sweatpants become somebody’s work space.

Naturally I coped with the strange mindset by getting altered in the driveway while my wife lost track of my whereabouts. It marked the first time that I got high with my seventeen year old cousin, and I’m wondering if there should be some formula to establish when somebody is too young for you to smoke up. A half your age plus seven for weed people. I probably should get high with anybody who was born after 9/11, but one day things are going to even out, right? When I’m 58 and she’s 37, that’s probably fine, right?

Goddamn it, man, her brain isn’t even done developing. What the fuck are you doing? Well, it was my other cousin’s stuff. I was just there. My hands are still clean.

Anyway, I’m pretty confident that nobody who would care reads this article anyway.

This is why I always make predictions instead of bets. If you’d asked me about 10 days ago, I would have looked you in the eye and told you that the fix was in, the tank was on, and the Nets were going down for the draft. As it stands now? They’re legitimately trying, which is all I ever asked from the start.

However, you would be forgiven for thinking that this team was at the very least shaving points (You know, aside from the obvious plot hole of their being the underdog in practically every game and not the favorite that would have been expected to cruise to a victory). Damn near every game features the considerable lead, and breaks down at the exact same time. The question is always, can they hold on. Was the lead big enough? Can they hit just enough shots to run out the clock. Without actually crunching the numbers I would have to think they would be a #4 seed in a league where the games were 45 minutes long instead of 48.

It was the same story against Philadelphia, however they were able to hold on. Key to the victory was Jimmy Butler wearing a suit court side, thus preventing him from stealing each and every one of the Nets player’s souls in the final second. I’ll take it.

What did Spencer Dinwiddie draw on his shoes?

It’s from Power. I think it’s pretty clear to all that I don’t watch Power. People occasionally discuss Power at my office, and I wanted a chance to connect. Did I walk up to a black guy who I was reasonably sure watched the show to tell him about these shoes, and be told “I don’t watch that porno”? I don’t feel like I have to tell you yes, but yes. But Spencer Dinwiddie watches it and he’s cool as hell. So point for Power.

Speaking of Spencer Dinwiddie, I’m glad that my man got paid and is going to be in Brooklyn for the next three years (Unless he outperforms his contract and is a sexy trade piece, which would make me very sad to see him leave). $34MM over three years. That’s a pretty good contract for the Nets. A little over two years ago Spencer was in the D League for the Windy City Bulls. Now he’s in a position to be set for life, and contributing major production as the team’s sixth man. I’m happy for him.

As for the game, it was the typical Nets game. Get the lead, flirt with the loss. The announcers had mentioned that all the crunch time losses were teaching this team how to win, but that sounds like a fairly rosy way of viewing things. They’re only crunch time minutes because the team has squandered damn near any lead they touch. I do hope they’re taking something away from those losses, but at a certain point, I’d really just like for them to learn how to not blow a game.

What did Spencer Dinwiddie draw on his shoes?

It’s a tribute to Dr. J. That’s a pretty cool shoe.

Yup, that’s John Sterling with the call. I don’t know why, but for whatever reason there seems to be a growing movement of people pretending that he should be venerated. I’m not going to pretend that I’m a John Sterling fan, and I’m not going to pretend that my negative opinion means nothing to the guy. He’s living his dream. Good for him. But you aren’t Vin Scully, man. Your best quality is being better than that old crow, Suzyn Waldman. Fine. You’re better than Suzyn. So is everybody else. Congrats.

As for the game, the Nets showed development. For one, they managed a blowout. This is due in no small part to the fact that the Atlanta Hawks are aaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. They walked into the Barclay’s Center at 6-22 and left essentially the same at 6-23. I presume that everybody still got paid. Former Net, Vince Carter played significant minutes. This is noteworthy because Vince Carter is 59 years old. Here’s the craziest Vince Carter fact that I swear more people should be fascinated by: His younger cousin (Tracy McGrady), is in the Hall of Fame and Vince (The older cousin. Older. OLDER) is still in the league drawing a paycheck. Who the hell has their younger relative enshrined while they’re still playing. And Tracy McGrady didn’t have a short career. He played 15 full seasons, and then showed up for the San Antonio Spurs in their seven game loss to the Miami Heat. LeBron James wore T-Mac’s shoes as a high schooler in his first nationally televised game. And Vince Carter both preceded and outlived him. He even got a dunk in the game, though everybody made sure to clear out of his way, and the Brooklyn crowd cheered him on, largely out of respect to the long and fascinating career that is surely winding down. The Hawks also inexplicably traded away their infinitely more fascinating Luka Doncic for hideous chucker Trey Young, obviously in the hopes that they found a discount Steph Curry (They didn’t). Keeping in mind that my predictions usually suck, which is why I don’t ever gamble on sports, I’m pretty confident in saying that Trey Young trade will be a disaster for Atlanta. But honestly, who has ever cared about the Atlanta Hawks post Dominique Wilkins? I’d argue nobody. Their team owner is most likely a Heat fan at this point.

What did Spencer Dinwiddie draw on his shoes?

This is not my favorite look. I think he really did draw that himself, to be honest with you. My man has gone drunk with his newfound wealth.

The Brooklyn Nets are 13-18 and in 10th place in the Eastern Conference.