Latest posts by King Hippo (see all)
- City Chase Domestic Treble (and Other Lesser Events) – May 18, 2019
- Calm Before the Non-Storm – Match Week 37 Open Thread – May 4, 2019
- Slim Pickins Lesser Footy Open Thread – April 6, 2019
The calm before the storm, maybe? If Week 15 felt a little anti-climactic, that is because it was so.
But although an expected outcome in just an average-played game…CONGRATULATIONS to the NFC North Champion Bearistocrats! Twas a combination of effective defense, and solid quartered backing, which is absolutely the Chi**** script. As for creepy Joe Philbin and the Packers? That’s pretty much it for this season.
Northern neighbours in Minny-SEW-ta got an easy home win over the LOLfins, despite a pick six tossed by Cap’n Dingleberry with a fucking 21-nil lead. He is fucking terrible, and the reason nobody will fear the Vikes should they win WC2 (as is likely).
The late narrative fixture was competitive, but a wet fart in terms of game play. Yinzers win 17-10, as Dreamboat continues to struggle when defensive coordinators insist on covering Old Man Gronk. Jaylen Samuels was really, really good, and Rapey McGreypubes doesn’t pay for his two hilarious pickerceptions. I hate that PIT will likely make the playoffs now…but they are nothing to fear.
Who might still pip the piss towel wavers, and actually be dangerous? HODOR’s Fat Humps, that’s who. 23-zip blitzkreig over Jerral’s Goddamned Stars, and it was as dominant as the scoreline indicated. They need to win out, and have PIT lose in N’Awlins next week.
Tennessee would also be interesting if they squeak in at 10-6, though their style remains…very Titans-ish. 17-zip over Elisha, but the story was TN’s ability to completely shut down the Saquon Barkley freight train. Noo Yawk will have its losing season, after all. Derrick Henry also continues to dominate, after fucking over his fantasy owners for the first 13 weeks.
Who would have guessed that TWO NFC Special Needs Division sides would be shutout, but not the Josh Johnson Redacteds in DUUUUUVAAAALLLL? Shit, they ended up actually winning the game with a late 10-point spurt, 16-13. Cody Kessler played an entire NFL match, in perfectly fine weather, and somehow finished with 57 yards passing. Yeesh.
Surprise of all surprises, the best-played contest of the day was played in Santa Clara. Even MOAR surprising, the Fightin’ Tomsulas held on to win in OT, 26-23. Thusly, the SeaTruthers do nae clinch the wildcard. And with the Mahomes-y show headed to town, they might actually need the Week 17 win against Birdcano.
But really, folks. That will not be a problem. Arizona got ass-blasted in Megatron’s Butthole, 40-14. Birdcano got the first and last scores of the fixture, but in between was a tire fire that even South Cakalaky residents would deem offensive. Some ded teams are more ded than others.
Balmer made things more interesting than expected, but eventually the veer combo of Lamar!, Kenneth Dixon, and especially the Gus Bus wore down Team MRSA’s Jizzmoppers, 20-12. You know the Ratbirds are gonna run, but when they control 35-40+ minutes of clock, it’s damned hard to stop ’em late. Hopefully, they can win at the JV Lesser Footy stadium next Saturday, and keep the pressure on PIT (and ease up same on the Chefs). Very, very interesting matchup.
Meaningless action? When the season officially (or for all practical purposes, at least) dies, Marvin Lewis’ Bungles rise to the occasion. Cincy finally gave Beatie Mixon nearly 30 touches (he should get this every fucking week), and he ran wild to the tune of 129 yards and two scores. Pre-Vegas ain’t gonna beat that, and 30-16 was your final.
Even less meaningfully, Buffalo beat the Cuck Liouns, 14-13. Fat Kicker (MI) missed a 48-yarder that would have given them a very late lead, and two weird, broken plays gave the Bills all the points they’d need. This is not a sustainable model for success, and Brokeback QB remains terrible. Don’t be that guy who drafts/purchases Allen at auction next season, thinking you’ve got the next Baby Buster or Bollo de la Verdad. You will just have a steaming bowl full of manure.
As to Baby Buster, he (and his fantasy owners) badly needed to get some home cooking and “hobos in the secondary” defensing to get back on the winning track. Who came to town Sunday night? Big Dick Nick and the Iggles! But even this couldn’t get the passing game right, and it was up to Todd Gurley to save the day/night. He’s really good, y’all. But then he got hurt, and everything fell to even a new level of shit. Los Angeles’ title dreams are deader than Tommy Lasorda if Buster don’t fix his shit (and probably are just ded, end of).