Again, Fuck Your Joy.

It was a fairly entertaining late window.  Balmer was dumb enough to leave the door open for the Shield to put the asshat Yinzers into the playoffs, and that’s almost exactly what happened.  Not to take away from Baker Mayfield playing his ass off, completing the best rookie quartered backing season since Russell Wilson’s, at least.  But he couldn’t get 5+ yards on the last 1st and 10 from the BAL 39, and the Ratbirds escape, 26-24.

That means the Bungles’ gakking up a 10-nil lead was all for naught.  Beatie Mixon gashed PIT for 105 on the ground…but criminally had just 13 carries.  Marvin Lewis absolutely needs to be fired, unless they seriously are considering Hue Jackson as a replacement.

However, in the NFC…we do get a sudden change – Big Dick Nick and Nate Lacking Nickname Sudfeld stomping the Redacteds, 24-zip.  They will travel to Chi****, as the Bearistocrats! exposed Cap’n Dingleberry in almost pornographic fashion.  10-24 at home, and it never seemed even that close.  What’s even funnier, CHI knew about 5 minutes into Q3 that they had no hope to improve their playoff position.  It didn’t matter.  This is your team to beat in the NFC, y’all.

Yes, that means that RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! won, and won in convincing fashion (until garbage time, when George Kittle set the all-time single season TE receiving yards record).  They will hold onto the #2 seed, and get to host/lose to the Bearistocrats! at home (unless PHI wins Wild Card weekend, in which case they’d likely beat the DAL/SEA winner).

SeaTruthers, thanks to Minny’s loss, didn’t need a win to keep the 5 seed, but Russell put SeaBass in position to win it at the gun, 27-24.  Give Birdcano credit for showing up, as they often failed to do this season.  They shall have the #1 pick, needing help everywhere but RB.

Everyone will pick SEA to beat the Non-Gendered Cowpersons in JerryWorld, and everyone will be wrong.  Dallas kept DAK! (behind OL backups) and its defensive starters in for 60 minutes, even taking timeouts on defense late.  They tried to win for no goddamned reason, but they got the 2-pointer to win anyway, 36-35. Weird team is weird, but they should control the clock with their excellent running game and physical defense.  They are, in my view, the SeaTruthers’ worst matchup.

New Orleans’ scout team lost to something called Kyle Allen, and even emergency 4th string QB/comedian Gilbert Gottfried, 33-14.  Absolutely nobody cared, except Donks fans climbing the draft order ladder.

That sets things in the NFC: 1) NO; 2) LAR; 3) CHI; 4) DAL; 5) SEA; and 6) PHI

The only meaningful action in the early window included the P*ts murdering the Jest to clinch the 2nd seed, and the 500s (Jesus fuck, DeAndre Hopkins!) doing the same (but with more defense) to JAX to clinch the AFC South and the 3rd seed.

Yes, that means that Kansas City took care of business against the Raiders’ corpse, 35-3.  They have home field throughout the playoffs, and are now your (in my view) favourite in the AFC.  I considered Balmer a coinflip, should they get to KC – but not after today.  They showed waaaayyyyy too much weakness at home v. #ThePauls.  It’s the Chefs or bust, for me.

King Laserface was awful against the Donks WOO!! scout team, but Case Keenum was shittier – including a back-breaking Pick Two when DEN was in position to cut the lead to 14-11.  A meaningless late score made the final 23-9 (they already knew KC was 4 scores up)…except that they left the starters on the pitch and got Melvin Gordon re-injured.  Dumbasses.  Clear underdogs going into Charm City, having lost to BAL at home a few weeks ago.  Vance Johnson is nigh-officially fired, and there shall be much Mile High Rejoicing.

That left SNF as “win and in” for the Humps and Tits, with a “1 in 100” chance of a draw putting the Yinzers back in the tourney.  Fortunately, the maths was kind, as long as you weren’t desperate for Erotic Smashmouth.  HODOR! still has never lost to Tennessee.  Derpy-ass finale game.

Thus, the AFC order: 1) KC; 2) NE; 3) HOU; 4) BAL; 5) CdM; 6) IND

I still see it as Chefs v. Bearistocrats! for the Owl, with teacher beating student…this time.  Will y’all accept this Prophecy fulfillment (plus one bonus round)?

MOAR meaningless action – LOLfins rallied from a 14-nil hole to tie it up, but then give up 21 straight to end the game, 42-17.  Yeah, that’s a Price Is Right horn fail.

Talk about your epic no-shows – A.A. Ron and the Packers shut the fuck out at home by the Cuck Liouns, 31-nil.  A complete non-QB re-haul is in order for the Cheese Folk.  I guess Matt Patricia will dodge the sack for now.

Atlanta kicked a late FG to beat Team MRSA, 34-32 (one more rung on the Donks draft ladder climbed!), resulting in Dirk Koetter’s pink slip.  He will not be missed.

See everyone for the Wild Card, Bitches! round.