Your AFC Wild Card Game Part Deux Open Thread

First things first-we’ll have a look at some of the fallout (or falldown in Allen Hurns’ case) from yesterday’s action.

According to a certain Mr. Schefter, Hurns has already had surgery on his un-located ankle, which is now relocated. Older white residents at the hospital are worried that Mr. Hurns’ presence will bring down the overall property value of their recovery rooms.

Some fella by the name of Kris Richard (Secondary Coach/Passing Game Coordinator for the Cowboys) will be interviewed by the Dolphins, Jets and Bucs today. Enjoy your ‘hot name’ status, guy that should be spelling his first with a ‘C’ and an ‘H”.

Another coaching candidate is the Colts D boss, Matt Eberflus. His unit finished 10th in points against with 21.6 for the season as a whole but I mathed the last six games, including a loss to the Jags and Indy is tightening the screws down to a ridiculous 13 points per tilt allowed. Given that they’re playing again next weekend I’ll save my joke about his last name till then.

TO THE GAME!

Bolts/Black Birds:

Seems fairly simple to me-the Chargers have to find a way to stop the league’s most effective run game (since Week 11) that manifests itself in the Ravens read option thingy. LAMAR!’s average is 5.5 yards per rush and when he hands off to rb Dixon (7.9) or Gus Edwards (6.4) even more damage is done. I don’t see that happening.

Last time these guys went round the maypole Baltiless forced the Rivers and Co. into 3rd and more than 10 on 66% of their total drives. Combine that with a 44% pressure rate when The Fecund One dropped back to pass and there’s your recipe for failure, if not total disaster. A partial solution might be to involve rb’s Gordon, Ekeler and Jackson in the passing game some more. This unit combined has 6 catches or less in 5 of their last 6 tilts. That won’t cure all ills but it might be a start. All in all, this is Bally’s game to lose, methinks.

Crank up the Mimosa Fountain!

 

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Redshirt

Can the Chargers illegally hold Baltimore for 54 seconds?

Spur

Martyball nevers fails to fuck you over.

ballsofsteelandfury

Dare we dream of a blocked punt?

Unsurprised

Dare! Dare!

Game Time Decision

Kenny Rogers with his beard dyed purple looks funny

King Hippo

I mean, Balmer will be lucky to get into Hail Mary position

King Hippo

I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY THREW

Dunstan

“I like my playcalling like I like my sex: unsafe.” — P. Rivers

Spur

Rivers is going to float this

King Hippo

SD-ish should take the intentional safety on 4th down. There’s no downside.

King Hippo

saved by BLEERGH!

Mother Puncher

By gawd that’s Flacco’s music

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is this good or bad for low commander?

ballsofsteelandfury

Either way, he’s drunk.

fleshwound_NPG

this would be one incredible bedshitting if the chargers complete the fuckup

ballsofsteelandfury

I would laugh for days

Old School Zero

Yet so very, very expected.

Redshirt

I would’ve kicked the ball on the ground but away from the returner. A LONG onside kick attempt.

King Hippo

guess they think maybe they can block the punt again?

Old School Zero

A familiar refrain enters my head, like a song I haven’t heard in years but now can’t get out of my brain: Don’t fuck this up Chargers

King Hippo

they should just roll a 20-sided die in place of the onside kick

Gratliff

Critical fail. Touchdown Seahawks.

Redshirt

“My Level 17 Kicker uses Onside Kick…”
(die rolls)
“…and rolls a 20. The kick bounces off of all 53 opponents’ heads putting them in Concussion Protocol, forcing their forfeit. I win!”

Dunstan

It all comes back to Fumbles & Fieldgoals.

My current campaign isn’t going well. My character failed a Save vs. Gingerhammer, and is serving a ten-week suspension.

ballsofsteelandfury

They should still onside

Redshirt

Of course you kick the onside kick. If it doesn’t work, you still have the timeouts.

...

Oh shit it’s getting interesting.

Sharkbait

TD for sure

Spur

breakfast for lunch was a great idea.

The Maestro

Breakfast for all 3 meals of the day is also a great idea.

Unsurprised

It’s only one meal if you never stop eating.
— A.R.

King Hippo

is it ever NOT?

Mother Puncher

Depression is kind of nice

Gratliff
Redshirt

If they go to commerical for the 2nd two minute warning…

...

I just thought about drinking two Bud Lights and unconsciously scowled.

Old School Zero

I don’t think those ads skewer who they think they’re skewering

walkingthedog

The mead ad is shite

walkingthedog

After such an epic 4th quarter that had a “no team finished a game with a minus passing yards”, some of that Eli magic in Jackson and such a meme face after the ball disappears. This game was the epitome of “Go fuck yourself, San Diego” in so many ways. How’s it going over there?

King Hippo

that’s a touched down. But they had to score by about 2:10 to have any chance.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a TD

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What kind of lag am I on?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is all a cocktease to a backbreaking Lamar pick, right?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Damn, should’ve been that!

Redshirt

Why does Romo want Chargers fans to be more physical and aggressive?

Unsurprised

To prove they exist?

The Maestro

Wait… do we have a… game? On our hands??

King Hippo

ish

fleshwound_NPG

UH OH

Redshirt

Ha!

Old School Zero

Mrs. Zero just came home from the store with a bag of Ruffles All Dressed for me. Life is good.

rockingdog

im jealous

Old School Zero

Except for busted coverage like that…

Dunstan

I had mostly cut out potato chips a few months back. Last week, I bought a bag at the grocery store and inhaled 80% of it within 15 minutes of getting home. Oh yeah, THAT’s why I stopped buying them!

Unsurprised

One of these days I’ll have enough furniture to invite you, Pirate Sloth, Big Black Richard, and any other local DFOers over to watch a game (by which I mean we’d actually just fuck around, drink, watch movies, eat pie).

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Man I miss Warren Moon”

“Yeah, I saw him throw two bombs to Joey Galloway against the Jets in ’98!”

“No, Buddy, that’s the Greatest Black QB Ever. Warren Moon is what I call Warren Sapp because he’s shaped like one.”

Redshirt

They gotta fix the Onside Kick in the offseason. If you’re behind by 3 scores with 5 minutes, what’s the point in even taking snaps?

ballsofsteelandfury

Yup

Dunstan

“what’s the point in even taking snaps?”

— J. Cutler

Mother Puncher

The Schiano fix still sounds good. Replace kickoffs with 4th and 15 from the 50

Unsurprised

/LEPROSIED FOOT FLIES OFF

Gratliff

RIP Allen Hurns

Redshirt

Maybe move it back to the 30 or 35. Make it so they don’t get great field position if they get it.

Dunstan

I’m just a little disturbed by the notion that Schiano had a good idea.

Redshirt

Even a broken watch is right twice a day.

Mother Puncher

He thought about it he just decided not to tell anyone about it.

Unsurprised

— Tony Sparano’s football

ballsofsteelandfury

FUCK YO SAFETY!

Redshirt

If a kicker could, I’d kick a line drive as hard and fast as I could at a players head on a Onside Kick Attempt. Get them to not catch it and make it a live ball.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Most kickers suck at onside kicks/specialty kicks.

Practice that shit more often people!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe from close range that could work, but the player has a good 20 yards between them and the ball – they can just dodge and it will go out of bounds.

ballsofsteelandfury

No, Nantz, they didn’t HAVE to do it!

Gratliff

I love teh sliding ufc knee to the ribs to try to dislodge the ball on an already down player

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Crabtree? Uncle Ed used to get that after Skipjacks games!

ballsofsteelandfury

And this is irrelevant because onside kicks are impossible now.

Dunstan

Should they change the rules? I’m intrigued by the “team that scored gets a 4th-and-15” proposal.

Col. Duke LaCross

Back the returning team up another five yards, but keep the minimum travel distance at ten.

Dunstan

That seems like a safety issue — guys running head-on at each other

Redshirt

Oklahoma drill but with two or three defenders.

Old School Zero

Well, that was a thing that happened.

Redshirt

All the pre-Crisis Browns fans who saw their team stolen, saw Ravens win two Super Bowls, saw Browns have nearly two decades of supercrap, then have a season that ends with excitement and hope like its the mid-80s, and then this…

This game is their Super Bowl.

And then the Ravens scored a Touchdown because they are Browns fans, after all.

Mother Puncher

Flacco looking like 2012 Alex Smith

Gratliff

Holy fuck. 6 yards passing.

...

When you want more than just the meatballs
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Unsurprised

She enjoyed his meatballs

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

Old School Zero

I can’t believe how much time is left in this game. I’m already thinking we’ve gone into Monday.

ballsofsteelandfury

On the bright side, we won’t have to wait long for the real game.

Recovery Whiskey

Brian Schottenheimer: I can make my QB irrelevant

John Harbaugh: Hold my beer

...

Unlike the 19th Century wizards in the Harry Potter universe, the Ravens can not just take a shit anywhere and make it disappear.

Unsurprised

That’s Exhibit 1 – ∞ (Infinity) on why extended universes are bad and dumb.

(How did I ever forget there’s an infinity symbol?)

...

Rowling is like a continually reinforcing argument for the Death of the Author thesis.

Unsurprised

She’s so awful. As an author and a person.

ballsofsteelandfury

Baltimore, you disappoint me

Unsurprised

— Everyone