Sunday Morning Wild Card Hippo Thoughts y Roundtable

Did y’all somewhat enjoy the “action” yesterday?  Buckle up, they’s MOAR comin’ – like a 70s key party.

We started with an imaginarium hosting yet another Saturday afternoon fixture, defying all conventional notions of physics.  Chalk this win up to an amazing game plan on both sides of the Humps’ call sheet, with HODOR! and crew racing out to a 21-nil halftime lead, then sitting on it because what the fuck were the 500s gonna do about it?  Even dropping (by my count, three) multiple pickerceptions, Indy’s defensive looks dazed and confused Deshaun Watson all day, and 21-7 felt about 50 points wider of a margin.  It did allow us to get some reading and errands done, which was nice.  Humps take on the Chefs in KC next, which should be Bananacakes.

The nightcap involved a QB winning the game with his legs, but it was ol’ Processed Ham Head doing it, not Charmslinger.  Fat fuck SeaBass hurt his hamstring on a 58-yard try right before the halftime gun, and it screwed up SeaTruther strategery the rest of the way.  Or alternatively, the negative Karma of not treating us with a playoff for reals drop kick placement attempt fucked Petey over.  4th quarter BLEERGH was all over the place, though the final result (24-22 in favour of Non-Gendered Cowpersons) was consistent with the run of play.  Hopefully, DAL can clean up its deep ball defensing, because one needs them to take out the Saints in order for Soldier Field to host the NFC Title match.  #GloriousProphecy

Now, the rounded tabling:

WCS:

Shitty Clippers/Ratbirds: Fuck this game so hard. It’s very King Laserface-ian to have an eleven-win season and still get the fifth seed. This is probably his last, best shot to get to a Superb Owl. 28-24 Marmarlards

Iggles/Ursa Majors: I trust Truth Biscuit about as much as I trust Herr Orangeface to tweet something that actually makes sense. That said, Philly Special is so broken, it makes Pantera jealous. 20-9 BrettFavreColonoscopys

Horatio Cornblower:

Chargers-Ravens:  For a change the Ravens are the ones getting slashed up by an opponent.  24-13 BOLTMAN! Afficianados.

Bears-Eagles:  That olds Foles magic lasts until moments after Mack bursts through the line and severs his spine.  Trubisky finds a way to care just enough to win.  24-13 Ursine Mammals.

Old School Zero:

Da Bears / Da Iggles: Khalil Mack reveals himself to be the prince from Katamari Damaci and rolls up the entire eagles team during one strip sack, then spikes them into the sun.

San Diego Ronin / Cleveland Refugees: I shall swing my arm to the drum, a great and dreadful pulse shaking the ground with each fell stroke: DOOM. DOOM. DOOM. DOOM.

Entropy (getting partial credit):

I don’t have anything for all of the games right now, but I would dearly love two things from the Eagles/Bears game: 1, a massive, MASSIVE coronary for the fans of both teams, in the stands and at home, sparing only a few who may learn from the mistakes of others and rebuild a better fanbase. 2. Nick Foles to become, y’know, Nick Foles again, and proceed to trip all over himself throwing the game away on every down. The collective sadness heard from Philadelphia would be like sweet music to my ears.

Beer Guy Rob:

Bears – Eagles: Big Dick Nick swaggers into the city of broad shoulders & leaves with their hearts & women. 30-16 Eagles

Chargers – Ravens: Janay Rice will not apologize to Dean Spanos for the beating his team will receive. 30-13 Ravens

Internet Dad (aka DTZM):

Bears – Eagles questions whether Big Dick Nick stands up to the Windy City as two rapidly fading towns collide.

Chargers-Ravens is a true curiosity, a team nobody outside of Balmer wants to watch versus a team that nobody watched all year.

Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy:

Los Angeles nee San Diego Chargers-Ratbirds: Defense wins championships. In the 70s and 80s and some of the 00s. Marmalard treats Baltimore like Tiffany and scores at will, 34-24.

Defending Champs-Da Bears: I am pessimistic going into this weekend. My thought is the Bears running game and defense should be able to take care of an Iggles team that has played everybody closer this season than a good team should. But then I remember both the past and Cody Parkey in the present. But I’ll go with Bears scoring once on defense and breaking off a few other big plays, but at least one DOINK, 32-24.

The Right Reverend Mayhem:

Eagles/Bears: Nick Foles remembers that he’s Nick Foles, Disappointing Journeyman. Normally, this would be disasterous. However, Mitch Trubisky suddenly remembers that he’s Mitch Fucking Trubisky and throws 3 interceptions, 2 for pick-sixes. Final scores is 24-4, with Chicago’s only points coming on Khalil Mack safeties.

Real Carson F.C./Ratbirds: BOLTMAN! finally has his vengeance, as Phillip Rivers and Co. find themselves debilitated by severe food poisoning. The origin of a mysterious order of crabcakes delivered to the Chargers’ hotel the night before is never determined; the conspiracy theorist community is split roughly in half between Low Commander and JJFozz. Lamar does just enough to scrape by- Ravens win 16-7.

King Hippo:

Ratbirds/Clippers du Merde: This is the matchup I have to most confidence in, so most assuredly, I shall be wrong.  Balmer went onto CdM’s shitty JV Lesser Footy pitch a few Saturdays ago, and more or less kicked Laserface’s teeth in.  Playing with a 10 am body clock in a hostile (as opposed to merely neutral-ish) environment, I don’t see why one should expect much different.  Especially with Melvin Gordon re-tweaking his ankle owie in a meaningless finale in Donksville.  Ratbirds 30, Clippers du Merde 17.

Bearisticrats!/Iggles: On the other hand, this looks like the tastiest matchup on the weekend slate, so naturally it will be Chi**** in a walk, as the GAMBLOR line has consistently pegged all week.  I still don’t think PHI is very good at all.  Sorry, I just don’t see it.  Magic doesn’t repeat itself, they just got lucky as fuck down the stretch.  No way do they out-physical the Bearistocrats! in January varietal Soldier field.  Bearistocrats! 21, Iggles 9.

Balls of Steel and Fury:

Chargers/ Ravens – The Ravens beat the Chargers in Carson and it wasn’t close. This will be closer, but still the same result. Ravens win.

Bears/Eagles – As great as he is, the Titty Kisser is still a rookie in the playoffs and Big Dick Nick and the Eagles won the whole enchilada last year. Experience counts in the playoffs. Eagles win on the road.

Senor Weaselo:

Song of the Volga BOLTMAN/Ratbirds – That’ll be in my nightmares now until he becomes Freddy Krueger. Apparently the Hobolts are 8-0 on the road, but going cross-country with Lamar! and co. seems tough. Ball So Hard Univ. has one more class in session, Ravens win.

Iggles/Fat Dog for Midterms – No idea why everything seems to click with all Foles are filled but it does. Close game throughout but the Eagles move on.

Sharkbait:

Shitty Clippers-Ratbirds: Ratbirds take this one at home. Lamar rushes for the game winning TD. His celebration is digging out a cell phone from under the goal post to call an Uber to drive Flacco out of town for good.

Litre_Cola: 

Ratbirds/LA Galaxy: Will be slow and methodical when Bmore has the ball and someone gunna get pregnant when King Laserface floats it dee, mid range. Chargers by 4.

I think we know where I stand on Bears/Iggles. If BDN cam escape Mack the Iggles will win. If the Iggles can pressure Truth Biscuit then the 3 homeless guys and Malcolm Jenkins in the secondary will be fine. Eagles by 2 and we will see Nate Sudfeld.