Your “The Likeliest Outcome Has Been Predetermined” Monday Evening Open Thread

Today was the first day back at school, and I arrived afflicted with the planet’s deadliest plague –

The Man Cold.

I bravely soldiered on, yet was not lauded by my colleagues for strength in the face of adversity. So, tomorrow I’m coughing right into the coffee pot.


NFL News: Hippo’s got you covered with a Sunday rundown, so I’ll sweep up the garbage

  • Well, people have ‘got’ Cody Parkey’s back:

Deadspin has the Spanish call of the kick, and it’s delightful.

  • Also excited about the Bears loss? The Raiders.
    • The Bears, by virtue of record, were slotted into the #24 spot in the 2019 Draft, which is the Raiders’ pick from the Khalil Mack trade.
    • If Dallas craps out this weekend, their pick that belongs to the Raiders would be 25th or 26th, depending on how the Eagles do.
  • Who’s up for some Monday beef? 
    • Chargers OL Russell Okung claims Roger Goodell doesn’t want them to win, saying “Roger Goodell doesn’t want us to come home.”
    • The Broncos are blocking teams from interviewing Gary Kubiak for available Offensive coordinator positions.
    • Bears DC Vic Fangio has turned down the Dolphins, but will interview with the Broncos for their Head Coaching position.

Finally, more will likely come out tomorrow, but it appears the Packers have made their coaching decision already.

All that remains is the inevitable recriminations & hand-wringing about the Rooney Rule.


Tonight’s main attraction:

  • College Football Playoff National Championship:
    • Clemson vs. Alabama – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN

Based on the internet, there’s way more hate for Alabama

than Clemson

Most Clemson hate seems to come from Gamecock fans, because ‘bama fans have other concerns, or don’t care about opinions east of their state. This game (sigh) should go Saban’s way if only because of all the key players Clemson had suspended before the Cotton Bowl.

I do enjoy the fact that the trophy they’re playing for

looks like someone mashed together a Georgia O’Keeffe (thanks Sharkbait)

& a Mark Rothko.

It’s the college football equivalent of watching the Patriots & Steelers play, because each fanbase thinks the rest of the country is against them & that they’re hard done by, yet have been the two most successful programs in the last 10 years. They are both led by insufferable head coaches, for whom the process is everything and they are the true stars. The organizations preach team above all-else, and that their model of efficiency it the true test of their commitment to excellence. The only difference is that the college players aren’t paid.

Alabama & Clemson, much like the Steelers & Patriots, and their fans, can go jump off a fucking cliff. This game should end in a tie due to accidental release of tear gas in the stadium.


Tonight’s other sports:

  • NHL:
    • Blues at Flyers – 7:00PM | Sportsnet
    • Kings at Sharks – 10:30PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night Raw – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • They are bringing back Hogan, Ric Flair & others for a Mean Gene celebration.
        • Please enjoy this classic WWF bit with Mean Gene & Randy Savage.

WHATCHA GONNA DO?!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Subscribe
Notify of
518 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Horatio Cornblower

4th and goal? Fake another field goal!

Brick Meathook

One summer when I lived in Charleston SC I had a girlfriend who was a Clemson student. She was a committed one too: Delta Delta Delta sorority, justice on the student supreme court, went to get her MBA. I fucked the hell out of her that summer. No complaints heard.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is that the one that caused your advanced syphilitic brain lesions?

Brick Meathook

No that was the gal from Connecticut who went to College of Charleston.

Horatio Cornblower

Leave my cousin out of this.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

She has and can be shared….. we are watch ‘bama get fucked after all.

SonOfSpam

Tri-Delta – everyone else has!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Brick Meathook

“Delta Delta Delta – May I help ya help ya help ya!”

I learned that from her.

Horatio Cornblower

Are you sure she wasn’t just yelling for help? Are you Brett Kavanaugh?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I love stories with a happy ending.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Does Clemson have a Cancer-Having Kid in the stands? Because this is starting to remind me of that OSU-Purdue game earlier this season.

Redshirt

Best conference in College Football, everybody.

SonOfSpam

Yalta was better.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s a deep cut, but I was expecting more of a Dumbarton Oaks from the likes of you.

SonOfSpam

Sorry, going for low-hanging fruit at this point. Like the Dungy kid.

Brick Meathook

I got the Dumbarton Oaks reference. I used to live a block from there.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, like him you have to swing for the fence.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or just with the wind, either way.

SonOfSpam

For, from, whatever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Toward the fence from the tree. or was it from the bridge? I can’t remember.

Gatoraids

Alabama will blame Doug Jones

SonOfSpam

The Clemson qb was great in Dazed and Confused.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I keep getting older, but these quarterbacks just stay the same…..

SonOfSpam

“Dabo, you got a joint?”
“Ah, no, not on me, Trevor.”
“It’d be a lot cooler if you did.”

Viva La Tabula Raza

“You gonna be fucking that cheerleader tonight, or are you gonna be a little wimp? ”

“How do you know I haven’t already? I mean, I’ve fucked the Bama secondary all night. “

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Gatoraids

Good thing about playing bama is our score keeps going up and Alabama’s stays the same.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yours is more relevant.

Horatio Cornblower

“I love to see a young quarterback”

Wow. Kirk Herbstreit turned into Jerry Sandusky so gradually I hardly noticed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Has this quarterback ever been in a grown up locker room? Say a spa?

SonOfSpam

Does he like gladiator movies?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

How about a “Turkish” Bath House, my friend?

Redshirt

Its a good thing I watched “Airplane” or else I would be really uncomfortable right now.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m a little hard too.

Spur

Dabo to Arizona Cardinals

Horatio Cornblower

No way he’s taking that kind of pay cut.

SonOfSpam

Holy shit, this Ross kid is amazing. (Unlike the Friends character who is a waste of oxygen)

Horatio Cornblower

But is story arc with the monkey was amazing!

In that it encouraged me to hunt monkeys to extinction.

SonOfSpam

I’d much rather hunt Schwimmers to extinction.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, this kid is MUCH more accurate on all the throws.

Horatio Cornblower

Ross seems to be moving up the draft board.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That catch was insane.

WCS

hole ee sheet

Gatoraids

Few more tds and Saban will be a mix of Urban Meyer and Fred Sanford

Gatoraids

Peppermint Patty is a pretty good qb

SonOfSpam

“Nice catch, Chuck. Let’s go 69 Marcie.”

WCS

I mean, fuck Dabo, but, that was a sweet catch.

Redshirt

How many Award Shows do we really need? Is everyone in Show Business that conceited and in need of vindication?

WCS

Only country “music” has more award shows.

SonOfSpam

Stephen Paddock should have a Greatest Hits album.

SonOfSpam

I mean…duh.

An insecure bunch who traded dignity on a casting couch with a random Weinstein.

Brick Meathook

comment image

Spur

Satan needs to hurry this up. Am getting sleepy.

Sharkbait

Based on the comments below am I to assume the Tide is not, in fact, rolling?

Horatio Cornblower

The Tide is, in fact, out.

Gatoraids

Call me deacon blues

SonOfSpam

Saban’s gonna need a Steely Dan to relax tonight.

(It’s a dildo. Steely Dan is a dildo.)

Redshirt

Am I too late? Has Sabin killed someone on the sideline yet? Because I can hit YouTube.

Spur

Bears fans triggered.

WCS

STOP GIVING BEARS FANS PTSD FLASHBACKS

Horatio Cornblower

Looks like the Bears have found their next kicker.

Col. Duke LaCross

Dude!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Dude.

Horatio Cornblower

Dude?

SonOfSpam

DOINK DOINK DOINK LOLOLOLOLOLOL

Mr. Ayo

DOINKS FOR ALL!!!

Brick Meathook

What’s the old saying?

“You could shove a lump of coal up Nick Saban’s asshole right now and he’d shit out a diamond.”

SonOfSpam

How much do I gotta pay? I’ll pay like $20.

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll match that.

SonOfSpam

Ok, and can I have first shove? (assuming cock does the shoving)

Brick Meathook

I can see that you feel strongly about this

SonOfSpam

I already have a GoFundMe page active.

Mr. Ayo

Can we ban Dr. Pepper from every running a commercial again?

litre_cola

Only if you murder the 2 Sonic guys.

WCS

One of those guys is Mike Pence on The President Show.

Spur

careful that’s a hate crime in most states now.

Horatio Cornblower

What if I legitimately hate them for their commercials, instead of their unspoken but oh-so-clear love?

Mr. Ayo

It’s like you’re baiting me to admit I love those commercials.

SonOfSpam

GO AWAY, BAITIN.

Horatio Cornblower

Now, now. I’m in favor of them electrocuting Les MIles.

Fronkenshteen

Can this QB go NFL now?

Gatoraids

One more quarter first please

Spur

Dabo is not someone I want to see happy

Gatoraids

Saban just stopped a hole in the ground like Rumplestiltskin. Kidnapping also his recruiting method

SonOfSpam

BAH GAWD THAT’S JALEN HURTS’ MUSIC

Horatio Cornblower

He literally broke the defender’s ankle on that move.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Maybe the kid figures he won’t get defenestrated by Satan if he’s already incapacitated.

SonOfSpam

That’s Pragueressive thinking.

(fuck stop with the puns asshole)

Horatio Cornblower

That thought crossed my mind. You get beat that bad, fake a hamstring.

Brick Meathook

+1 defenestrate. I learned that word from Calvin & Hobbes

Spur

wow. what happened? the DB fell down?

SonOfSpam

Non-contact, which is never good. Prolly not Hurns-level, but not good either.

Viva La Tabula Raza

This game is pretty cool.

Gatoraids

Hahahahaha

Horatio Cornblower

Clemson’s D on the fake FG:
comment image

litre_cola

Well that was fucking stupid. Everyone knows it is Fake Fieldgoal #2, never fails.

Gatoraids

Nick Saban as bad as faking it as his wife is

WCS

Saban sees his wife for like four minutes a year, and then it’s just for a handshake and to hand over her settlement money.

Gatoraids

And has hired assistant watch footage of their honeymoon just in case

Horatio Cornblower

Somehow that transaction results in Mrs. Phillip Rivers getting pregnant.

Brick Meathook

I grew up next to Arlington Cemetery and the Pentagon, and served five miserable years in the U.S. Navy and I say:

FUCK THE TROOPS

litre_cola

BallsofSteel is that a porn genre? #askanexpert

SonOfSpam

Rule 34.

Viva La Tabula Raza

18 years AF dependent, 4 year USN active duty, 20 years as an AF civil service, and I echo your sentiment.

Redshirt

I didn’t serve so unfortunately I can’t agree.

Thank you both for your service.

SonOfSpam

/rolls eyes

I was in the KISS Army. WHERE’S MY FUCKING PARADE???

Viva La Tabula Raza

Kids In Satan’s Service!!!

SonOfSpam

Fuck yeah fellow old man.

Brick Meathook

FUCK YOU, CITIZEN

SonOfSpam

To be fair, I have no issue with the troops, but fuck their decision-makers. War Pigs is the best hippie song ever.

Brick Meathook

Hating generals is easy. Hate the troops, that’s where it’s at, bro. Wear your American Legion hat for maximum effect.

SonOfSpam

Holy shit…Clemson had most of their guys way off the line. Stupid fake call. Woulda been better off punting.

Spur

not like that

Mr. Ayo

What a terrible play call.

Spur

go for it

Horatio Cornblower

Army-Navy combining with Chik-Fil-A is perfect, in that they can all bond over their love of the military and fear of gays.

WCS

You’re thinking of Air Force.

Horatio Cornblower

I prefer to call them “Pre-Space Force”

Viva La Tabula Raza

When I was in the fleet, the go-to phrase was “It’s not gay if you’re underway.”

Spur

catch me fuck me’s

Viva La Tabula Raza

But does she say “SHA-ZAM!’??

Horatio Cornblower

They’re clearly just reviewing this call so that we can see another 15 minute snippet of Captain Marvel.

Mr. Ayo

Ah yes, another 10 minute break for a review over 2 yards.

Spur

but it was a Marvel preview.

Mr. Ayo

I’M NOT HERE TO READ A COMIC BOOK!

Horatio Cornblower

I just noticed that Tua is left-handed.

It’s attention to detail like that that has made me the head of recruiting for UConn “football”.

Brick Meathook

He’s right handed but his tiger-daddy made him throw left handed.

Spur

bad spot.

Mr. Ayo

That was a terrible spot. He had the first down easily.

Horatio Cornblower

If you want “twitchy” pass rushers you really need to focus on recruiting in southern Ohio, West Virginia and eastern Kentucky.

litre_cola

Banner this man.

WCS

comment image

Gratliff

I’m almost certain they could have finished this game during that halftime.

Brick Meathook

The super powerful Executive Producer of all the Marvel franchise movies was a production intern at the company I first worked at in Hollywood 20 years ago. I’m still doing the same job and giving hand jobs down at the docks to make ends meet.

Horatio Cornblower

So you’re saying he’s jealous?

Brick Meathook

She

herodotus450

Kevin Feige’s a she?

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t judge.