Man those guys really love romcoms.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2uNp80wcZY

I’ve gone viral, only none none of you guys really know it. That’s fine. On January 2nd, I’d posted a brief opinion piece on The Irony of Fate. It’s a Russian movie, so unless you are well versed in their history, every single reference will go over your head. Hell, most of them go over mine. I’m an idiot who watched the movie two years ago, and thought it’d be funny if I did a review on a movie that I’m guessing 100% of my typical readers would not have seen or even knew existed. I did it mostly just to annoy my wife. Well, as it turns out, it did not annoy her. She posted it on facebook, and her friends shared it, and their friends shared it, and then somebody translated it into Russian and Jesus Christ, there are over 800 damn comments on the thing. What the fuck is going on? RTD told me that I’d crossed 13,000 page views by Friday. My wife’s friends refer to me as The Celebrity. Folks, whether you know it or not, whether you know it or not, Door Flies Open was briefly a Russian Film Criticism site. I sincerely hope that a few of those people are Nets fans.

Of course, as it turns out only some people love the column. As it turns out a lot of people didn’t quite see things my way. And let’s just say a subdivision of that faction did not feel I’d missed something, but that I represent all that is disgusting and wrong with America. As my wife has translated these to me, I’m told that a there is a rumor that I am actually a Russian who is only playing the part of a dumb American. Somebody else delightfully used this as proof that “while we lead such rich lives, the only thing Americans appreciate are burgers and cola.” Another cried out “How dare they tell us how to live our lives.” Hey Russia, u mad bro? Why are you getting so testy about a jokey movie revi-

“Also, for whatever reason he has some little girl helper with him. I don’t know if it’s a simple intern thing or a child bride, but it’s Russia and he’s dealing with cheap labor, so let’s just assume child bride, and move on.”

Oh.

“You live in Soviet Russia. Under ideal circumstances, things are pretty meh.”

Um…

“Tellingly, he seems happy. Well, Russian happy.”

Okay, I get it. I kind of brought this on myself. But in my defense, I expected like eight people to actually read this. I didn’t expect for it to get read by, you know…Russia. Had I known people were reading, I wouldn’t have been quite as antagonistic. I guess that makes me a punk. Sorry guys.

The funny thing is that I liked that movie. Well, I didn’t hate the movie. It was pretty damn long, and they could have stood to cut it down to let’s say a tight two and a half hours. But I’d be lying to you if I said it was incompetently made. They just made odd decisions, and were a little self indulgent with the songs. But it’s fine. It’s not what I would choose to define my culture had I been in their shoes, but whatever. But I do these things to movies I like. See my review on A Christmas Story. I’m taking pretty big shots there. Nobody gave a shit. Settle down, Russia.

To be even more fair, it appears that a lot of people genuinely liked the article and appreciated it for its intended spirit. Sure, I’m sure some of those people laughed for the same reason people laugh when a toddler shakes her ass to a Rhianna song and there’s some level of “Would you get a load of this idiotic American,” but hey, I love to laugh, and I’m glad that so many people appreciated at least one thing that I have done.

The life cycle of the article is just about dead. I think. But it was very much alive and on my mind as the Nets traveled east to play the Celtics. The game wasn’t very close, outside of the first nine minutes, and I realized that nothing of note was going to happen. Look, I didn’t take copious notes on this one, but the schedule is about to get rough. We had a very winnable game two nights later, but this could very well be the stretch where the Nets define their playoff chances. They took the loss that night, falling to two games below .500, but still very much in the playoffs.

What did Spencer Dinwiddie draw on his shoes?

Tribute to W.E.B. DuBois. In a vacuum these would be alright, but it seems like ol Webby is getting the same tribute all historical figures get. Few quotes on the front, their name drawn out with smudges on the top. It’s fine, but I might switch up the color so it isn’t always white. A nice faded golden colored shoe might be cool. Sort of like they are aged parchment.

I went to this game. My lovely aunt, who I had no idea actually reads this column, bought me tickets to the Barclays Center as a Secret Santa gift. I let my wife buy something for whoever I got. She likes to shop anyway.

The game itself was something of a homecoming, and the fans made sure to give it up for Vince Carter. It’s hard to believe that he once played for the squad when they were back in New Jersey. I have to assume that his bulimic dog is no longer with us anymore.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvhA8IanKAc

He was in the league when I was in high school. I’m 38 years old now. Most of my life has come after my high school graduation. Vince Carter has been in the NBA for longer than “most of my life.” And while he was given a video tribute, this probably isn’t even his last season. Granted, he’s starting to move like an old man out there, but the guy logs 17 minutes a game. He might not retire. Again, his younger relative had time to enter the league after he was already on the Raptors, play an entire Hall of Fame worthy career, retire, endure the mandatory waiting period, and then get elected to the Hall of Fame. Last year. That happened last year. Vince Carter is still playing ball. Such is his stature that the crowd didn’t even give him the business when he launched an air ball. The first time. He did it later in the game and they gave him hell then, but that first time they let it slide.

And Jeremy Lin was there. Jeremy Lin was the star of the one noteworthy game I have ever attended in person. I was in the Garden when an unheralded journeyman got off the bench and torched the Nets for 25 points. That was the dawn of Linsanity, and I was there. Pretty cool. Later, he was named player of the game, and he hadn’t had his team photo taken, so they slapped up the Knicks logo. Leave it to the Knicks to not take care of a three minute photoshoot before somebody could win a game for their trash squad.

As for the game, it wasn’t pretty, but it was effective. The Nets got off to an abysmal start, quickly falling behind by about 24 points, turning the ball over constantly, and just watching the lowly Atlanta Hawks work. All the while, I remained relatively positive.

“All they have to do is stop playing the worst basketball of their lives, and they’re right back in this game.”

And I was correct. Eventually they did stop playing the worst basketball of their lives. Watch those highlights. Dinwiddie gets a tasteful behind the back layup. Jarrett Allen throws a few down. I apologize for the annoying voice on the Hawks play by play, but the Nets did end up playing the kind of basketball you should expect to play against Atlanta and they turned a grim deficit into a pretty easy 17 point victory.

Good win.

Of course at halftime they had a bunch of children playing basketball, and the PA guy decided to play Tekashi 6ix 9ine. Which is an incredibly fucked up choice for a game with children. Words fail me.

What did Spencer Dinwiddie draw on his shoes?

Tribute to Jackie Robinson. I think the baseball stitches are really cool. Might have gone with a Dodger blue band across the front, but it’s still pretty cool.

They got their asses kicked. Look, this is getting long and I’ve got to wrap it up. The Nets did kick off a long winning streak by beating these guys, but you’re not going to sweep Toronto unless it’s the playoffs and you have LeBron James. They’re very good. The Nets hung tough for a quarter and a half. I’m past the point of patting them on the back for a moral victory, but I’m not going to lose my mind when they lose to a team with legitimate championship aspirations.

But things do not get any easier for the rest of the month. Boston and a road game against Houston are next. Then they get an Orlando team (who they should beat) who are fighting for one of those last playoff spots, and the inexplicably above .500 Sacramento Kings. They’ll have another against the Celtics soon. Spurs, Bucks, Nuggets. They’re going to need to win a few of these games, and it isn’t going to be easy. I don’t want to rush anything, but man it would be great if Caris LeVert came back any time soon. As for Allen Crabbe? Hey, take your time, buddy. Seriously. Get all the rest you need. You can’t be too careful.

What did Spencer Dinwiddie draw on his shoes?

I had no idea what this was in reference to. It’s Drake. That makes sense, the game being in Toronto. I don’t like Drake. Sorry if that means that Spencer won’t think I’m cool. Sorry Spencer. Hell, sorry Drake. I’m sure you don’t care, but I don’t have anything against you. I’m probably not your thing either.

But I’m absolutely huge in Russia.

The Brooklyn Nets are 21-23 and in 7th place in the Eastern Conference