There are two more games today after yesterday’s road victory pour les parisiennes at Old Trafford and the Roman home victory over the Portuguese potato ball makers.

Let’s get right to it:

Tottenham Hotspurs v Borussia Dortmund

What is a Hotspur and why does the team have a chicken on its crest? Is there some kind of French Connection? For that matter,  how come there are two teams in Germany named Borussia (Mönchengladbach and Dortmund)?

Luckily for you,  dear reader,  I’m curious by nature and I like to look things up.  A Hotspur is many things but is most linked as a nickname for Sir Henry Percy of England,  who lived in the late 1300s and fought against the Scots. From wikipedia:

“As a tribute to his speed in advance and readiness to attack” on the Scottish borders, the Scots bestowed on him the name ‘Haatspore’.

That became “Hotspur”.

He became even more famous when William Shakespeare included him as a character in his play,  Henry IV, Part 1.

The Tottenham football club takes its name from him because Percy’s descendants owned land in the neighborhood of the club’s first grounds, near the Tottenham Marshes.

As for the chicken,  it’s a cockerel,  or fighting cock and it is believed that Henry Percy was fond of fighting cocks fitted with spurs. A former player made a bronze cast of a cockerel standing on top of a football and the team adopted that as its crest.

Congratulations if you made it through that paragraph without snickering or giggling.  You’re a better man/woman than me.

On the other side,  Borussia is the Latin name for Prussia.  In 1815, the Congress of Vienna gave the lands on the northwest of current-day Germany where Moenchengladbach and Dortmund are to the Prussian Kingdom.

That region gained importance and prestige during the days of the Prussian Kingdom. So much so that this influence is still felt today.  Both cities were Prussian at the time the teams were founded, hence the name.

Prédiction: How can anyone go against the team that has their fans do this?

King Hippo: I think the Yid Army and the Oak Ridge Boys Song/Creepy Skull Ppls (“I’m a singin’ BO-Russ-ia!”) might be the two most likable sides left, so of course they play each other.  Predicting first leg results is a fool’s errand, so this fool defaults to 1-1 Draw – leaving everyone feeling kinda ok going into Round 2.

Don T: I cannot go against Dortmund. Their stadium is great. Their fans are wonderful. And it almost went into insolvency by 2004 BUT received a loan from Bundesliga overlords Bayern Munich.*  What sort of dumbass bails out a competitor on account of fútbol tradition, historical ties, importance to the community, the development of young athletes in the region through established fútbol know-how, and being magnanimous on sportsmanship grounds? This type of “for the greater good” commie shit must never enter our values. Never!

Oh, sorry.

Via giphy.com

* Me? I would’ve rubbed my crotch with the check and said to Bayern I DON’T WANT YER PITY, and let the check fall to the ground. Then I’d apologize to my bosses and have an intern make the bank deposit, wearing the team’s hazmat suit.

Thing is, I also like Spurs a lot. Manager Mauricio Pochettino is the rarest of beasts in the fútbol world: an Argentinian who seems personable. Spurs are a great watch too. Howevah, Harry Kane and Delle Ali are still out. The Guardian reported yesterday that both would be available for the second leg in Tchermany. Spurs being only five points off the top in the EPL… I dunno, this smells like a bus parken by the locals.

Predicción: Spurs 1 : 2 Dortmund

Ajax Amsterdam v Real Madrid

How fucking sad is it that the first page of Google results for Ajax shows only links for the football team and for a programming language? DOES NOBODY LEARN GREEK MYTHOLOGY ANYMORE?!?

Seriously,  does Troy ring a bell? Anyone? The Iliad?

Anyway,  Ajax fights valiantly in the Trojan war and thinks he should get Achilles’ armour as recognition,  but it’s given to Odysseus instead because he speaks more eloquently and has the gods on his side and oh God, Ajax is getting five scored on them by Real, aren’t they?

At least they have legalized prostitution,  a highly tolerant drug policy,  live sex shows,  and citizens that speak 5 languages.  Not a bad tradeoff…

King Hippo: Ajax apparently pronounces itself EYE-axe which is a load of pretentious shite.  DO BETTER, weird cannon fodder side.  SPOILER ALERT – they don’t do better, 0-3 to Real.

Don T: Greek mythology RAWKS. Hell, Hermes could kick the ass of the Holy Spirit (YMMV; shoutout to the yutes of today who are faithful). But let’s keep it canonical.

The Bible taches us that, in the 70s, Ajax perfectioned the style known as Total Football. Its most renowned exponent was Johann Cruyff, a World Class crank and a player so smart and skilled that he was considered an artist, not a mere superstar. He is credited with this move,

Via giphy.com

known as the Cruyff Turn. I’ll go out on a limb and say Cruyff invented it. Later, as manager, Cruyff brought totaalvoetbal to Barcelona in the 80s (any player can occupy any position, lots of ball-skills training, attacking from the back—uy, it’s getting hot in here…). The Catalans are still getting titles playing that possession style.

Ajax got the historical goods, is all. As to the present, the team  is second in the Eredivisie five points out, and they’ve gone 3 wins, one draw and two losses in their last 6 in Holland (the last loss being last weekend’s 1-0 to the mighty Heracles–3 wins and 8 losses in their last 11). But Ajax fucks scores! This season, Ajax has 72 goals in 21 matches in Dutchland, 11 goals in six Champions games in a tough group (Bayern Munich, Benfica, and AEK Athens).

Regarding Real Madrid, ?.

In other news, Ajax ultras set off fireworks twice, at 2 and 3 AM, near the hotel were the Real players were staying. Turns out, it is illegal to set off fireworks in Amsterdam, except on December 31. Tch; prostitution, heroin use, fireworks… Them Quakers regulate EVERYTHING. I hate Real and have a weak spot for assholish shenanigans—point is: go Ajax.

Predicción: Ajax 2 : 0 Real Madrid, four yellas to the flat merengues.

Your thoughts in the comments.

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