Wait, did I not specifically say that it’s the Penultimate Four because it is NOT final? Yes, but I’ve got the song for tomorrow already lined up. Or even… SONGS.

Welcome to the Super Smash Bros. Melee Final Destination stage, which as everyone knows is the only place you’re allowed to have championship fights. Not the Octagon, not the squared circle, just Final Destination.

NO NOT THAT ONE. Though, those movies are comedies, right? And salutes to Rube-Goldberg machines? Except the tanning booth death, because that one was actually fucked up.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poBRGkYK6k8

It is the Penultimate Four, so let’s go through how we got here.

BLEERGH Region

First Round

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” beats 16. “THIS GUY JULIO JONES I CALL HIM DDT BECAUSE HE IS KILLING THE EAGLES” 26-6
9. “If Tampa Bay has any more abortions on this series of plays, they’ll have the RNC clamoring to defund them.” beats 8. “Slutty Browns’ chicks are the best. But enough about Condy Rice.” 25-6
5. “Spotlight wins the Oscar for Best Picture! Way to come from behind! Which coincidentally is pretty much what Spotlight is about.” beats 12. “THESE GIANTS FANS I CALL THEM PROMETHEUS BECAUSE EAGLES ARE CAUSING THEM SERIOUS LIVER DAMAGE” 21-10
4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.” beats 13. “That Kia commercial would be a lot better if it was a disheveled-looking gerbil on the run from Richard Gere.”17-14
6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” beats 11. “Alright, guys. What can we call to help the Pats get back in this? Any questions?” 23-10
14. “The NFC East is basically if the Bears played in a division where all the other teams were the Bears.” beats 3. “Wait wait wait… someone was on drugs??? AT ARIZONA STATE????” 19-14
10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.” beats 7. “Maybe Chip Kelly asked for this and did not want to get fired on NFL Coaching Black Monday because, ya know…” 20-15
2. “Blax wins for creating ONE human? Well I don’t mean to brag, but I just flushed 100 million potential humans down the toilet, so where’s my award?” beats 15. “Gruden sounded like the most exasperated babysitter ever when he said ‘Eli… he’s a handful.’” 23-12

Second Round

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” beats 9. “If Tampa Bay has any more abortions on this series of plays, they’ll have the RNC clamoring to defund them.” 27-10
4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.” beats 5. “Spotlight wins the Oscar for Best Picture! Way to come from behind! Which coincidentally is pretty much what Spotlight is about.” 24-15
6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” beats 14. “The NFC East is basically if the Bears played in a division where all the other teams were the Bears.” 28-13
10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.” beats 2. “Blax wins for creating ONE human? Well I don’t mean to brag, but I just flushed 100 million potential humans down the toilet, so where’s my award?” 23-18

Regional Semifinals

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” beats 4. “These Georgia Bulldogs, I call him [sic] David Carradine because last night on their way to a successful climax, they choked to death and died.” 28-7
6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” beats 10. “That thing went from 9% completed to 90% completed faster than me when I lost my virginity.” 18-17

And, now, the results for the BLEERGH Regional Final…

1. “Aaron Hernandez (neck) out indefinitely” beats 6. “Flyers-Capitals is beginning to resemble a GOP debate, right down to a black guy getting punched out and then thrown out by the authorities.” 36-7

So for one regional at least, chalk ultimately holds, and that quote will take on the champion of the GAMBLOR Region. So now, a look through the bracket.

GAMBLOR Region

First Round

16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” BEATS 1. “I keep waiting for one big hit that causing [sic] a player’s jersey to start flashing 12:00.” 21-18
8. “My name is Bond. Denied Bond. -Paul Manafort” beats 9. “Sweden: the Dante Hicks of the World Cup” 31-10
5. “As they say in Japan, a draw is like sniffing your sister’s dirty underpants.” beats 12. “This [TNF] game is the Futurama suicide booth come to life.” 23-17
4. “Man that is messed up, and right after he [Jonathan Martin] shoots Richie Incognito, I really think we need to take his guns away from him.” beats 13. “Home ice is just a cocktail awaiting bourbon.” 28-12
6. “I can’t wait for Justify to decline the upcoming invitation to the White House.” beats 11. “I guess on a night they were honoring Snider, the Flyers fans weren’t gonna take it anymore!” 18-10
3. “Kennedys don’t retire, they die in office. Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?” beats 14. “Don’t bother sucking on that pistol. It ain’t gonna get any harder.” 19-10
7. “This Hull defense, I call them Mia Khalifa because they are letting lots of men in their backdoor to score.” beats 10. “I haven’t seen an Alonso destroy a Cassel like that since the [C]atholics reconquered Spain from the Moors.” 25-13
2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” beats 15. “I was going to ask what’s wrong with Vikings fans, but they’re Vikings fans. It’s self-explanatory.” 33-5

Second Round

16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” beats 8. “My name is Bond. Denied Bond. -Paul Manafort” 22-21
4. “Man that is messed up, and right after he [Jonathan Martin] shoots Richie Incognito, I really think we need to take his guns away from him.” beats 5. “As they say in Japan, a draw is like sniffing your sister’s dirty underpants.” 25-18
3. “Kennedys don’t retire, they die in office. Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?” beats 6. “I can’t wait for Justify to decline the upcoming invitation to the White House.” 24-12
2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” beats 7. “This Hull defense, I call them Mia Khalifa because they are letting lots of men in their backdoor to score.” 22-13

Regional Semifinals

16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” beats 4. “Man that is messed up, and right after he [Jonathan Martin] shoots Richie Incognito, I really think we need to take his guns away from him.” 17-16
2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” beats 3. “Kennedys don’t retire, they die in office. Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?” 17-16

And in the GAMBLOR Regional Final…

2. “‘…the calming effect Tony[ ]Dungy had on the high-strung quarterback.’—If only he had that calming effect on his high strung son.” beats 16. “THESE PROVIDENCE FRIARS, I CALL THEM LEX STEELE BECAUSE THEY ARE PUSHING THESE TROJANS TO THE LIMIT!” 25-18

The 16 seed took us on quite a ride, but couldn’t quite finish, as in the end was left hanging one away from the big stage. And look at that, apart from the Cinderella run this region was chalk the rest of the way. From there, we moved to the SHAN’KHOR Region, where we had the longest quote in the competition as the 1 seed. I am not going to post the whole quote.

SHAN’KHOR Region

First Round

1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine…” beats 16. “THIS (PATRIOTS) GAME I CALL ROGUE ONE BECAUSE WE ALL WATCHED IT AND WE KNEW HOW IT WAS GOING TO END” 21-15
9. “I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.” beats 8. “The hand of cod!” 22-14
12. “Ok, I’m embarrassed. This whole time I thought ‘calamistrum’ was a thing I was supposed to do for my wife on our anniversary but I was too tired and she was kinda pissed.” beats 5. “I’m in a red state. Memorial Day Protip: Be white in a red state and you’ll never feel blue.” 19-18
4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” beats 13. “It’s 91 here but it feels like 104. I am jerking off to women’s water polo, but mostly for the pool.” 24-14
6. “Hey England, just like went Dad went out for smokes, the World Cup ain’t coming home.” beats 11. “Bud Light is to beer what The Eagles are to music.” 26-14
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” beats 3. “THAT HAIL MARY PLAY I CALL IT THE DENTIST BECAUSE IT KILLED SOME LIONS FROM EXTREME LONG RANGE.” 21-20
7. “For driving through Arizona that quickly, Sheriff Joe Arpaio just asked to see Jimmy Garoppalo’s papers.” beats 10. “That’s true. If something were to happen to Winston, he’d pretty much be asking for it, standing there so provocatively in the pocket late in a bad game.” 22-13
2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” beats 15. “So both teams just forfeited to the Behr’s?” 28-7

Second Round

1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine…” beats 9. “I haven’t seen a running back taken this high since Ricky Williams got a ride to the airport.” 21-17
4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” beats 12. “Ok, I’m embarrassed. This whole time I thought ‘calamistrum’ was a thing I was supposed to do for my wife on our anniversary but I was too tired and she was kinda pissed.” 25-12
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” beats 6. “Hey England, just like went Dad went out for smokes, the World Cup ain’t coming home.” 18-17
2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” beats 7. “For driving through Arizona that quickly, Sheriff Joe Arpaio just asked to see Jimmy Garoppalo’s papers.” 26-10

Regional Semifinals

4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” beats 1. “Man, I LOVE the old touchdown, tv timeout, kickof [sic], tv timeout routine…” 25-22
14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” beats 2. “I haven’t seen a khunt debut like this since Traci Lords’s 14th birthday!” 25-21

And, the SHAN’KHOR Regional Final…

4. “I see they’re honoring Joe Paterno’s 50th anniversary of the first game he coached. To start the game, they will have 40 years worth of moments of silence.” beats 14. “MLS? Is that like Lou Gehrig’s Disease? I’m glad these people are getting better though, let’s keep hoping for a cure.” 26-19

And just like in the CONCACAF Champions League, MLS falls short of the ultimate goal. Yup, pulled that one out!  Anyway, the Paterno silence quote moves on and will take on the winner of the BOLTMAN Region. A look through:

BOLTMAN Region

First Round

16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.” BEATS 1. “[Is] there also a Cripso’s on another corner in Compton?” 21-13
9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” beats 8. “Just think what Dan Snyder could do with the name ‘Redblacks.’” 18-16
5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.” beats 12. “Kicking zebras are the number one cause of Lion concussions.” 25-8
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” beats 4. “The Gang Wins a Game” 25-8
11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.” beats 6. “The closed captioning on the bar tv just implied Janay Rice was hitting in the celebrity softball game. I thought it was the other way around.” 24-13
3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” beats 14. “Wow. I always knew AJ Green would snap and attack someone. But I always thought it would be Andy Dalton or Marvin Lewis.” 23-15
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” beats 7. “if you take a bunch of tires, put them in a dumpster, and set them on fire, would you describe it as a dumpster fire or a tire fire, or should I just keep calling it the [Redacteds]?” 22-12
2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.’” beats 15. “I have picked up and put down Infinite Jest so many times that I now have tennis elbow.” 24-10

Second Round

9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” beats 16. “THESE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS I CALL THEM ROBERT MULDOON, BECAUSE THEY GOT EATEN ALIVE BY THE RAPTORS.” 27-9
13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” beats 5. “No problem.… I’m a Bengals fan, Buckeyes fan, and Moderate Republican. I’m used to be taken in the backdoor.” 26-9
3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” beats 11. “I’ve got Rivers on the bench for FF, which just goes to show you that, like Rivers himself, you should never pull him out.” 18-14
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” beats 2. “I’ll take one poster, a beer coozy, a bottle opener, and a pack of HRTN condoms – because nothing says ‘appropriate DFO branding’ like a condom named ‘Hard Ride to Nowhere.’” 22-10

Regional Semifinals

13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” beats 9. “‘Punch and Pie’ perfectly encapsulates Johnny Manziel’s philosophy on dating.” 31-12
10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” beats 3. “Wow, free porn?!?!?!? Are they also giving away a free email address and 40 hours of AOL?” 32-11

And lastly, the BOLTMAN Regional Final.

13. “I haven’t seen a group of Saudis go down in flames like this since 9/11” beats 10. “I haven’t been this anxious for a period to start since a broken condom scare junior year of high school.” 24-21

So we do get one lesser footy entrant, as Pete Carroll debates whether the joke means anything. And with that, our Penultimate Four is set—a 1, a 2, a 4, and a 13; one of those things is much less like the other. The polls.

You have the normal time allotment, since tomorrow night’s championship will be prime time viewing! Happy voting!