King Hippo gave me the raging semi, by the way. He’s good like that-a real solid internet buddy, as opposed to all you viscous, semi-transparent folks out there in the ether.

So kiddos, we all know who’s playing who and where they’re playing and what sport they’re playing and which planet they’re playing on. Why don’t we get to know these schools? Maybe even rub up against one of their players, smell them-get to really know them? As Guga from Sous Vide Everything would say, “Lessss do it”.

Auburn:

This delightful learning center is located in the very appropriately-named community of… Auburn. The 25 member naming committee spent nearly three weeks in The Seychelles coming up with that doozy. Expletives were tossed, noses were bloodied, skin was burned and copious bottles of rum were consumed before the 30-23 vote sealed the deal. (Mathematics is not one of the stronger programs here) But hey, I can tell you that the Cat Drowning: How to Turn Your Hobby Into a Profitable Business course is full year after year.

Player to Watch:

Jared Harper is a cheeky fellow that pushes the play upcourt, can seemingly get to the basket at will and never asks, “Does anyone want that last chicken wing?”. So alpha…

Virginny:

As it says right there in the name, students here are all virgins-just like Sally Hemings was until she turned 14. Mr. Jefferson’s birthday ‘gift’ didn’t go over very well initially but he did keep on giving until an understanding was reached. Jefferson apologist Sandford Fleming would later qualify the former’s actions by saying, “It was a different time!”. Some courses offered in the Agricultural Sciences Program include How to Lick The Gucci Loafers of Monsanto Executives and Still Maintain Your Dignity. Mike Tyson is a guest lecturer in the summer and his The Chickens, They Cry in my Dreams: Why I Sold Tyson Foods for Pennies on the Dollar is back by popular demand.

Player To Watch: Kyle Guy came out of nowhere to burn Purdue for 25 points. His pre-game speeches to his teammates consist solely of quotes from Girl, Interrupted.

Texas Tech:

Should you bother to do a quick Googgly map search of this precious college you’ll see that it’s nestled softly between Gus’ House of Stuffed Newts (not a sponsor) and a barren wasteland being traversed by a boy and his father. (Spoiler-the dad dies and so will Gus, eventually) One course offered that has raised more than a few eyebrows is Dennis Rader’s All Trussed Up and Nowhere To Go: Examining the Predator/Prey Dynamic in Hitchcock’s “Rope”. Obviously this is only available on-line.

Player To Watch: Jarret Culver is 195 pounds of coiled steel. He’ll spring at you when you least expect it. Don’t dismiss this dude just because he has a 25+ fanny pack collection.

Michigan State:

This pride and joy of the lower peninsula is situated in East Lansing because-and I’m quoting from the school’s mission statement here-“We’re gonna teach (HA!) those retards in North Lansing how to run a proper fucking school!”. Seems like there’s a bit of history there… Anyhoo, one of the profs teaching Fluid Dynamics 101 is certain that a solution to the age-old ‘why can’t a free-standing colander ever be filled with running tap water?” problem is just around the corner.

Player To Watch: Joshua Langford has a tendency to score in the teen’s and with the teens. Let’s all hope that he grows out of that last tendency in the next few years.

There you have it. Bet accordingly.