Your “Defence Wins Championships, But Offence Gets Paid” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL News:

  • Russell Wilson got PAID. A four-year extension worth $140 million, including a no-trade clause, keeping him a Seahawk until 2023.  
    • Or, more than Aaron Rodgers, which is apparently what his measuring stick was.
    • He is/was scheduled to make $17 million this year, and if the extension wasn’t realized he was likely to be franchise tagged at $32 & $38 million respectively for 2020 & 2021.
    • By signing him now, it foreshadows Seattle’s draft strategy a little bit:
      • No high-round rookie QB will be drafted until 2022 at the earliest.
      • They need to get high-value linemen to protect him, because he’s not as fast as he used to be, and with $105 million guaranteed, they need to keep him from getting chased & killed by the new wave of defensive linemen being drafted.
      • They will lose either Bobby Wagner or Frank Clark, because thanks to the Wilson deal, they can’t afford to keep both.
        • So they will need to draft a replacement for one of them.
  • Jerry Jones is trying to use the Rodgers & Wilson contracts as negatives in his discussions with Dak Prescott on an extension.
    • To quote JERRAH,  
      • “The bigger [deal] for them in terms of their career and what they’re all about is how much did they win, how many Super Bowl rings do they have on their fingers, those are all huge deals. And they know if at some point they take up too much cap space at the end of the day, then it can hurt their chances in terms of winning.”
    • He said he is trying to engineer “team-friendly” deals with both Prescott and Amari Cooper, to keep the team competitive going forward.
  • As is league tradition, with the Draft being a week away, the league is releasing the regular-season schedule Wednesday evening at 8:00PM ET.
    • Naturally, it’ll be LIVE on the NFL Network.
    • The league already announced the season would begin with Bears-Packers on Thursday, September 5th.

Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL: all game 4s
    • Lightning at Blue Jackets – 7:00PM | CNBC / Sportsnet360 (Jackets up 3-0)
    • Islanders at Penguins – 7:30PM | NBCSN / CBC (Isles up 3-0)
    • Jets at Blues – 9:30PM | CNBC (Blues up 2-1)
    • Sharks at Golden Knights – 10:30PM | NBCSN (Vegas up 2-1)
  • NBA: all game 2s
    • Magic at Raptors – 8:00PM | TNT / TSN
    • Thunder at Trail Blazers – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN5
  • MLB:
    • Red Sox at Yankees – 6:35PM | MLBN
    • Blue Jays at Twins – 7:30PM | Sportsnet1
  • NCAA:
    • College Baseball:
      • Butler at Purdue – 7:00PM | FS1
    • College Golf:
      • Western Intercollegiate – 7:00PM | GOLF
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown LIve! – 8:00PM | USA / OLN Canada
      • Day 2 of the “Superstar Shakeup” from Montreal

I had a good commenting day yesterday. Got my first banner in over a year, and made what I thought was a good Philip Rivers joke in yeah right’s RAMMIT post.

 

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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ballsofsteelandfuryWakezillaLow Commander of the Super SoldiersUnsurprisedRikki-Tikki-Deadly Recent comment authors
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oops. Nip.

h

ttps://i.pixxxels.cc/tTsWBVRF/FDB3-B3-EE-34-CD-4-E5-F-991-A-65-B3-B5-FE2-B74.jpg

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Wakezilla

Got damn!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Update: I still can’t stop pooping

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Someone get this man to a struggling farm, ASAP.

Wakezilla

I had a similar problem. It’s not fun

ballsofsteelandfury

Just think of the weight loss!

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Asshole daddy story:

I wanted to see Shazam. I figured my 6 year old son would like it. So last Friday I said “Hey, let’s all go see it.” He whined like he’d been asked to compete in a Brussels Sprouts eating contest during a church service while simultaneously doing homework. Saturday, Sunday, same thing. “NOOOO, IT WILL BE SO BORING.”

So today, my 4 year old daughter has a field trip which means half day. Son at school til 4. Shazam, bitches. So we pick him up from the bus stop right after the movie. As I buckle his belt, I tell him.

“Hey, we saw Daddy’s movie.”

“What?”

“The superhero movie I asked you to see 3 times and you cried how it would be so boring for two hours. So I took your sister. She liked it.”

“But…but…you didn’t ask me today.”

“So you understand the lesson here?”

(Boy Pouts for ten minutes.)

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How are you the asshole here?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Also as the brother of two sisters, I absolutely would have blamed my sister over my dad.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Because Bleergh forgive me, I took such evil pleasure in telling him how we spent the afternoon.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It probably would have been more baller if you waited until he asked to see the movie and then dropped a “oh, your sister and me saw that movie weeks ago” but I guess there’s no guarantee that he would have done so.

Wakezilla

I don’t see any assholes here

Fronkenshteen

Wow. Either Gary Payton has Parkinson’s, or he just took down an 8-ball in two gaggers.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Or as Michael Irvin would call it, a slow Tuesday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Gratliff

So is San Jose’s run of failure more impressive than the Blues’ meaningless playoff streak of the 80s and 90s?

WCS

The Blues haven’t made a Cup Final in that time span. They also haven’t blown a 3-0 series lead.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They are Blue.

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Wakezilla

Gotta be the Sharks. I don’t remember too many Blues teams that were expected to win the Cup. But I can remember a half dozen Sharks teams that should have

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Covering the spread seems more like a Hippo theme

Spur
Spur

Spurs dont care

Spur
Spur

Go Spurs Go

Gratliff

Pens too, eh? Good night so far.

Gratliff

Maybe next year the Flyera will get more than 3 points in the first 2 months of the year and get to partake in the fun

WCS

Ice Stillers. Ded.

Dunstan
Dunstan

It’s so quiet in that arena, you’d think you were at a Pirates game.

WCS

Or a Pitt football game.

HEYYYOOOOOOO

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Are the Blue Jackets still kicking Tampa’s corpse or have they finally stopped?

Sharkbait

Oh they’re already dead.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Right but are they still kicking the corpse?

Senor Weaselo

Yes but they’re doing it on their own time now.

nomonkeyfun

“The Ice tOSU beat the Ice Gators a touchdown to a field goal.”

The headline for tomorrows Columbus Dispatch.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Tampa is moar like the… FA&M Iced Lane Kiffins?

Senor Weaselo

I’ve gotta say I’m surprised. Normally when Florida Men fall flat on their faces there’s krokodil involved.

Sharkbait

Rangers south implodes. Why am I not surprised?

Gratliff

Relegate the president’s cup winner imo

herodotus450
herodotus450

Well there goes my theory that Tortorella is really a double secret agent still working for Tampa Bay in order to manipulate an historic 0-3 comeback for the Bolts.

Sharkbait

Ice Bucs. Ded.

Dunstan
Dunstan

THESE ISLANDERS, I CALL THEM CLIMATE CHANGE, BECAUSE THEY’RE THREATENING PENGUINS WITH EXTINCTION

herodotus450
herodotus450

Oh what’s this? Looks like my Bland Takes Automatic Article Generator just spat out some content all on its own. Here’s the main points:
1) Tampa was more banged up than you thought, including missing their Norris (r) Trophy winning defenseman, Hedman. And someone else had a bunch of broken ribs or legs or something.
2) Columbus is better than an eighth seed: see, despite seeding being a completely objective matter based on regular season points, they beat the best (r) team in the league so therefore they must be better than eighth. (If Columbus had lost, despite being the same team, no one would say anything like this.)
3) Eighth is a funny word to type.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

AIM-9 Sidewinder test against an unmanned drone.

Missiles are extremely accurate when fired from 50 feet directly behind the target.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Dunstan
Dunstan

I will never not giggle like a ten-year-old when someone refers to Columbus’s hockey team as the “BJs”

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I just did a spit take

Horatio Cornblower

Jon Bois

Verified account

@jon_bois
16 Apr 2014

why watch overtime playoff hockey when you can simply snort cocaine and ride a motorcycle out of a helicopter

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I remember that movie. It was supposed to be Brian Bosworth’s something. Whatever. It got crushed like he did by Bo Jackson.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I really like the banner, but I would like to extend it the contractors.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:

dog, (asleep): zzzz…zzz…aww yea, who’s a bad boy? i’m a bad boy…zzzz..zzz

me: wait a minute, thats not tru-

wife: honey, just let him

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Same dialogue, except it was when Uncle Ned stayed over instead of the dog.

rockingdog
rockingdog

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What will you do after the one Funyun?

herodotus450
herodotus450

Pottsburgh so desperate they’re now starting goalie fights.

nomonkeyfun

“I’ll show you a goalie fight.”

P. Roy

Sharkbait

I’m still rooting for a meteor in that series.

Senor Weaselo

Yeah but the Isles haven’t signed their goalie to a 15-year deal!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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scotchnaut

Ill-Advised Shot: “I’m so lonely. Will I never find a home?”

The NBA: [beckons] “You’ll always be welcome here.”

Ill-Advised Shot: [throws up 29-footer ten seconds into the shot clock]

The NBA: “Betcha that felt real good..”

Ill-Advised Shot: “Sure did! Will there be more?”

The NBA: “More than you can possibly imagine!”

Ill-Advised Shot: [takes off-balanced fadeaway jumper against defender 10 inches taller] “Thanks, NBA!”

Senor Weaselo

8-0 Yanks over the Sawx? KEEP SCORING ON THESE FUCKS. CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching it on the NESN channel and the weeping and gnashing of teeth is glorious.

Senor Weaselo

After the hit batsmen I would have sent Gardy. In an 8-0 game. Because FAHK YOU, that’s why.

WCS

NNNAAAWWWTTTT FFFFAAAIIIIHHHHH

rockingdog
rockingdog

More than 1 person at the office is gonna be unhappy about this…..

Sharkbait

I like the Sox, but holy fuck it’s too early in the season to care.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You don’t c……………

WCS

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Whatever farm animal of war

Sharkbait

Ice Bucs. Wat are you doing?

Senor Weaselo

It’s because the Ice Giants have a draft position riding on it, obviously.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I pulled up espn.com to check the score in the Ice Bucs game and it literally went from 1-2 to 1-3 as I watched.

Horatio Cornblower

Mentioned this on the back channel but we made our annual pilgrimage to the Ukranian church for their Easter kielbasa, pierogi and a whole bunch of other food that will kill you, and tonight we had the first kielbasa/pierogi dinner and let me tell you, those people can’t form a government that isn’t as corrupt as all get out but by god they can smoke some spiced meat.

scotchnaut

Never figured you as Ukranianest. Let me guess-you think all of them fuck donkeys.*

*it’s only 74.3%

Horatio Cornblower

I love the Ukranians. Their government blows but they’re lovely people, even if one very attractive one had the bad taste to date my brother.

scotchnaut

I can see your boner from here. And I don’t have very good eyesight…

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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litre_cola

I would rather be the presidential piss mopper than listen to Pierre McGuire for any extended period of time.

Horatio Cornblower

His stint coaching the Whalers should have been enough to convince anyone with more than a spinal cord that McGuire isn’t worth listening to.

Dunstan
Dunstan

“Oh, the Whalers! Named after the traditional New England whaling industry, Many people know it from Moby Dick, the novel written by Herman Melville while he was living in Troy, New York. Troy, of course, also the home of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, with a fine hockey program that produced Adam Oates, the pride of Weston, Ontario, along with Bob Pulford…..”

McGuire makes Grandpa Simpson and Cliff Clavin look like interesting conversationalists.

Horatio Cornblower

This is outstanding. The only note I have is that McGuire would have claimed that one of his ancestors inspired Melville to write the story.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

https://www.brewbound.com/news/constellation-brands-closing-2-ballast-point-locations-abandoning-plans-for-san-francisco-brewpub

Huh, it’s almost like macro breweries buying up little guys for their #brand and fucking with them isn’t a successful business plan.
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Horatio Cornblower

You know, I have had a harder time finding Ballast Point lately. Of course, I’m not looking for it either because there’s too many good local options.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Cheers to that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This is *very* surprising.

Just Lurking
Just Lurking

I worked for Constellation for about 5 years. Clusterfuck. Spent a billion $ on Ballast Pt.
They just sold 34 wine and spirits brands. They have taken a deep dive into legal cannabis. Its ‘the future’.

scotchnaut

Short week at work. Long weekend Mondays are a piece of cake because they occur so often. The condensed week t’udder way round (Friday off) is a gotdang nightmare.

[ informs dozens of clients about our changed ordering/delivery sked, yet again-two weeks after I first informed them]

/”Whoops, is it okay that my order is this late?”

//”You can still get this for me, right?”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I am going to my first Padres game of the year on Thursday. A coworker is in town through Friday and he’s a Reds fan, so since they’re playing, it’s as good an excuse as any to get trashed on a Thursday. The difference is, I have Good Friday off, and he has to fly home quite early in the morning, so, I maybe won’t fill the flask completely.

Game Time Decision

Went out for dinner after work with the boss. Not her my work boss. Walked by the viewing area outside of the Scotia Bank arena where the Raptors are playing tonight on my way to transit after dinner. Can’t wait for them to lose again and to see the tears of all the Raptors fans.

litre_cola

Lowry makes 31 million a year. 0 pts game 1. It is ok, he contributes in other ways. Fuck you, for that money he had best contribute in scoring too.
Leaf and Raptor tears would be delicious.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Welp, this is me right now:
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litre_cola

I had a day like that today. Could be the burger for lunch and steak for dinner yesterday. DON’T JUDGE ME.

herodotus450
herodotus450

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Horatio Cornblower

Eh, you’ll get more reading done and no one will bother you.

Senor Weaselo

So, you had some of Padre Weaselo’s Reaper Jerky?

scotchnaut

The woman in the Til Tuesday vid? She ended breaking free from her shitty boyfriend, growing her hair out, and doing some great work for The Thompson Twins on the xlophone.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Tampa Bizzle down 0-2 early, 4 minutes into the first period. Someone open up the border camps so we can get to sweeping.

scotchnaut

“Thank the Lord God Jesus that measuring sticks weren’t a factor when I was negotiating contracts for Mr. Favre!”

-Bus Cook

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Wednesday? Man, time is passing ever faster as I get older. Now I’m missing entire days.

scotchnaut

Shhhh…

ballsofsteelandfury

You really did have a brilliant commenting day…

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nobody works the content mines harder than SaisonSirEnrique. Glad he had time to unearth some commenting gems, too.