Scene: An office suite. As the camera pans back we see a large desk. Several TVs are situated in front of the desk in such a manner that the occupant of the desk can view them all at the same time. Two of the screens are tuned to ESPN, one to the NFL Network, and three to various cartoons. One is tuned to CNN. That one is muted. Along the walls we can see any number of childish crayon drawings, which would be adorable had they been created by a child.
The phone rings.
“Hi!”
Unfortunately, they weren’t.
The phone call resumes.
Mike Bidwell: Hi! It’s Mike! Who’s This!?
Nigerian Prince (In a voice that doesn’t so much border on racism as it moves into racism’s house, put up its feet on racism’s new end tables and makes racism rethink every decision it’s ever made): HELLO DERE!! Dis here’s, uh, de, uh, de uh, de Kingfisher, yeah! dat’s who I yam, and I wants ta axe…
(a voice can be heard over the line) Dad! Jesus Christ Dad, we talked about this! Gimme that phone!
(sounds of a struggle ensue for the next five minutes)
Mike: Hi! You guys still there!? Boy, they sound mad! I hope I didn’t do something. I hate when people get mad at me! I just like coloring even though my Dad says I’m not that great at staying in the lines! I don’t like it when my Dad yells about staying in the lines, unless Mr. Irsay is there! If he’s there and you say “lines!” he gets all red and jumps up and gets as exited as I do when Dad gives me a 64 box of crayons! I don’t like the new boxes though! They don’t have Indian Red anymore, so I can’t draw Indians as good as I used to! I wonder if Dad’s friend Mr. Snyder could get me some! He knows so much about Indi…
Nigerian Prince: (suddenly much younger and not quite-so-racist)(but still, yeah, pretty racist) Sir? Sir are you still there?
Hi! Boy, you guys really got mad! I heard a lot of words my Dad doesn’t let me say!
Nigerian Prince: Well sir, I certainly apologize for that. I am a businessman, a legitimate businessman, and I want to talk to you about a wonderful opportunity. You see, I have on deposit $65,000,000….
Mike Bidwell: $65 million!? Wow! That’s a big number! I can’t count that high; one time I counted to 14 but then I turned blue and my dad had to remind me to breathe! I never did that again!
Nigerian Prince: Uh, yeah, that’s great kid. As I was saying, I have $65,000,000 and…
Mike Bidwell: $65 million!? Wow! That’s a big number! I can’t count that high; one time I counted to 14 but then I turned….
Nigerian Prince: And then you turned blue. Got it, got it. Listen kid, how’d you like to get some of that $65 million? You see, my bank won’t let me get it unless I can show them a piece of paper that says you gave me the #1 pick in the NFL draft. If you can trade me that pick, I can get my money, and on Friday I’ll give you that piece of paper back and, uh, let’s say $20 million? Whaddya say?
Mike Bidwell: I’d love that! But my Dad won’t let me handle money anymore! He says I spend it all on crayons and then I eat the crayons and then I get a tummyache and one time I threw up on Mr. Richardson and then he looked at me funny and asked if I was a pure-blood and then my Dad yelled at him and now we don’t see Mr. Richardson anymore!
Nigerian Prince: Um, what?
Mike Bidwell: I said my Dad won’t let me handle money anymore! He says I spend it all on crayons and then I eat the crayons and then I get a tummyache and one time I threw up on Mr. Richardson and then he looked at me funny and asked if I was a pu….
Nigerian Prince: OK, OK, got it! I got it. So, look, if you won’t take my money, what can I give you? I really need that pick to get my money, and it wouldn’t be fair to not give you anything for it.
Mike Bidwell: It’s very important to be fair! My Mom told me that, but my Dad told me not to listen to her! But I listened anyway, because my Mom makes the best peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches and cuts the crusts off and cuts them on a slant, which is a word I learned from Mr. Parcells, but Dad said I can only say it about sandwiches…
Nigerian Prince: (muttering) Jesus Christ this can’t be really happening.
Mike Bidwell: What!?
Nigerian Prince: Nothing, nothing. So what can we do to get your draft pick? I really need your help.
Mike Bidwell: I like helping people! A lot of people say I help every other team in the NFL just be being me! That makes me feel good! So I’ll help you! You can borrow my pick if you promise to give it back Friday, and you can give me two peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches! But they have to be cut slanted and they can’t have any crusts! I hate crusts! Oh, and do you have any Indian Red crayons!?”
Nigerian Prince: I, uh, hang on…(muffled hollering) (does anyone know what an Indian Red crayon is? Burnt what? Umber? Can we get some? I don’t know, just make a new label!)…Sir! Very good news Sir! We can get you the sandwiches and the crayons. When can we get the pick?
Mike Bidwell: I will send it over right now to your number! My secretary showed me how to do it one time when Dad was sick! He doesn’t know I know how to do that! I like pushing the buttons! They all make different sounds!
Hello!? Hello!? Well, I guess they don’t know how to use a phone as good as I do! I better get my sandwiches!
Stephen Jones: I cannot believe that worked. I gotta tell you Dad, I don’t feel good about this. At all. That was like taking candy from a baby, and not a smart baby either. Maybe we should reth…
Jerry Jones: YOU CAN RETHINK MY ANCIENT WRINKLED BALLSACK IS WHAT YOU CAN RETHINK! HIS OLD MAN WOULD SCREW YOU IN THE BACKSIDE IF IT MEANT HE COULD KEEP 4 MORE PSL LICENSES A YEAR AND WOULDN’T LOSE A MINUTE’S SLEEP OVER YOUR PROLAPSED ANUS! IF HE’S SO DUMB HE LEAVES THAT KID IN HIS OFFICE WITH THE PHONE AND NO GUARDIAN YOU AND I WILL GODDAMN WELL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION!
Stephen Jones: OK, OK. Christ stop yelling. You’re gonna yell yourself into an aneurysm and then we won’t have anyone to blame for never winning.
Jerry Jones: Whatever. This is my team as long as I’m alive, and my doctor tells me that this latest fetal cell implant is gonna give me another 20 years. Now, we got the #1 pick so you go and get me my new gottdam star! Call Manziel’s agent right now. That kid’ll work heap and I’m not missing out on him twice!
Stephen Jones: I’ll get right on.. Wait, what? Manziel!? Oh for fuck’s sake, not this again. Gretchen? GRETCHEN!!! Get the tranquilizers out. Enough to last through Thursday. Yeah, Manziel again. Hurry up, too, the old man’s going for the phone and he’s stronger then you’d think. Oh, and call GrubHub and have them send over some PBJ’s to the Cardinals front office.
Jerry Jones: YEEEEHAWWWWW!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!!!!
Absolutely superb. I did not see that coming. I love crazy Jerry.
I think the Cardinals will just use the pick on Josh Rosen again. Then they can show everyone that they really meant it when they said Rosen was their guy all along.
Wife wants a tuna melt tonight. I’ve never made a tuna melt before. But blaxito has really been wearing her (well, both of us but I broke the first night we got him home) down lately so I want to make it good.
Any pointers and side dish recommendations?
I like to add cracked black pepper to all things tuna.
Resentment. Cornichons.
Chopped pickles (dill or bread-n-butter (sweet) your preference. As Rikki said; LOTS of fresh pepper.
Tuna is bullshit so just make her a patty melt.
I think there are a bunch of teams that would have been better of with the PBJ instead of the first pick, looking at prior years.
*cough* Browns, Raiders, Bengals *cough*
PBJs means something entirely different to Ol’DubbleJ.
Oh he’ll work a heap of something alright.
There’s no way Mike Bidwell sent his pick to the right place.
Roger Goodell: With the first pick in the 2019 NFL Draft, a Phoenix area Pep Boys selects…
[Inner monologue] This can’t be right. I know, I’ll just play along like when the card said the Chargers were drafting Larry English and hope no one notices.
…Nick Bosa! [Shifty eyes]
Bosa’s reaction (artist’s rendition*):
*replace the exclamation point with several question marks
https://www.ibtimes.com/world-book-day-2019-quotes-celebrate-joy-reading-2787346
Our President Trump will not be celebrating.
Go Broncos! They need to pick a big dumb QB; it will take a minute to find one over 6′-7″.
https://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2019/04/23/frank-clark-gets-five-year-105-5-million-deal-with-chiefs/
OK! Feetball mews.
That link didn’t work, let’s try….
Okay, maybe…..
Otto Man at home.
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/technology/google-spinoffs-drone-delivery-business-first-to-get-faa-approval/ar-BBWdc6k?OCID=ansmsnnews11
FINALLY I can get the Russian mail-order bride I’ve been hankerin’ for.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/chalking-tires-enforce-parking-rules-unconstitutional-court-finds-n997326
“Free at last…… FREE AT LAST!!”
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-48020481
“Let me tell who is president of the US…….”
Too many Jerry Joneses in the work place, not enough Bidwills.
I bid this comment well.
Also Bidwill looks like he advocates “Miracle Water” to solve everything.
Honestly I’m thinking something really odd is going to happen with the first pick. There is actual intrigue for a change.
I am confident that we will all be disappointed.
Kyler Murray to the Cardinals. The real intrigue is who trades what to get Chosen Rosen.
SO YOU SAY.
*Probably going to happen.
The Giants would be the best place for Rosen. I mean c’mon, his name’s ROSEN.
He can do some Posin’!
Why not Minnesota where he can wear lederhosen?
He doesn’t want to be frozen.
I also don’t think he’s into his cousin.
Huh. Barely noticing now that the lower part of my comment didn’t post, not sure what happened. I also don’t remember it exactly, but I think it had to do with jersey sales to Jewish fans, amd probably wasn’t funny. Welp, fuck it. That’s why I’m a mailman.
[opens desk drawer containing multiple “Indian Red” crayons, smiles with self-satisfaction]
– Mark Davis
I would imagine Mark Davis has a hermetically sealed vault containing the last “pipe tobacco-
” scented scratch and sniff decals in the world, which he allowed an awed Eli to sample after vanquishing Brady.
I imagine Mark Davis, at least once a day, asks Jon Gruden to try & trade those crayons to his brother’s owner for draft picks & gummy worms.