Your “Cool Dad vs. Actual Dad” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL Nuggets:

  • Tuesday at midnight marks the end of the compensatory pick portion of free agency.
    • Meaning that, after tonight, teams losing players to free agency no longer get compensatory picks as a result of that loss, and teams signing players don’t lose picks.
      • Which then means that some players who have been waiting for offers will get signed.
    • Ndamukong Suh and Ziggy Ansah are the highest-profile free agents unsigned.
  • Lots of kicker talk today:
    • Marquette King, ex- of the Raiders & Broncos, is trying out for the Texans, who I am told are an actual NFL team.
    • The Bears acquired Eddy Pineiro from the Raiders for a conditional 7th-round pick, provided he stays on the active roster for five games this season.
  • Jason Pierre-Paul is likely out for the season after fracturing his neck in a one-car car accident.
    • It’s hard to keep both hands on the wheel when you don’t have a full compliment of hands.
    • It all comes down to if he needs surgery.
    • It really screws over the Bucs because they didn’t draft any linemen, so will have to either promote from within or sign someone new.

Finally, Joe Namath admits to a drinking problem in his new book, “All the Way: My Life in Four Quarters”.

  • It’s his first book in 50 years.
Pictured: his previous ghostwriters.
  • Namath says he drank excessively because a voice in his head told him to. To combat the urge, Namath came up with a name for the voice: Slick.
Author’s representation.
  • Most of his adult life has been an attempt to control those voices. But he couldn’t always control the amount or time of his drinking. But, he says he hasn’t had a drink since the infamous Suzy Kolber interview in 2003.

  • Which means his Super Bowl coin toss was completely sober.

ESPN says he doesn’t talk about all the women, just the late nights. He does talk about the travails of fame, the advantages it’s given him, and the toll the game & lifestyle took on him. It should be a quality read.


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL: Game 7, Bay-Bay!
    • Stars at Blues – 8:00PM | NBCSN / CBC
  • NBA:
    • 76ers at Raptors – 8:00PM | TNT / Sportsnet
    • Trail Blazers at Nuggets – 10:30PM | TNT / TSN
  • MLB:
    • Twins at Blue Jays – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1
    • Phillies at Cardinals – 7:45PM | MLBN
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

A little something for everyone tonight, and if the sports becomes tiresome you can always argue about Game of Thrones, and what editing error will show up next. Having seen “Bohemian Rhapsody”, a coffee cup on a table should qualify GoT for all the editing Emmys.

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Both of these goaltenders have beautiful eyes.
Shit, how gay did that sound?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I think he needs a good therapist..

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Aw, man. J.T. Walsh was such a great scumbag on screen. (I’m watching Backdraft)

ALXMAC

Did you know they recently made a Backdraft 2?

Unsurprised

Yep.

/Vomits

Redshirt

Oh my God. They are going to wait until it becomes dark so they can see if they can play with the lights.

Why aren’t the A’s forfeiting the game? They are responsible for the playing field.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Don T

Ha! Found a translation of Marcela’s speech en inglés.
Speaking to dozens gathered for the funeral of Grisóstomo, who died because she ‘cruelly’ spurned his love. They all hate her guts, express as much, and then she takes it out [coughs], sorry, on them:
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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That banner image reminds me that Wun Wun in Game of Thrones is based on Phil Simms. Not sure who Joe Namath’s character is, though. Ser Dontos?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

Bronn.

Redshirt

Its been one hours and Oakland hasn’t fixed the lights. Is the team’s ownership this bad or is it the city itself?

Unsurprised

Yes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“…and you say they have lights in Las Vegas?” – A’s ownership to Mark Davis

Senor Weaselo

Hey, the Stars got a shot on goal in OT, good for them! And Yanks come back from down 4-2 in the 9th, even better!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

We can agree to disagree on that second part.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Get it together St. Louis.
Also, fuck Dallas.

Senor Weaselo

I’m just here for the potential extra first rounder/Mats Zuccarello.

theeWeeBabySeamus

LOL

Senor Weaselo

Never forget the Chase/Kayder/Zerella combination.
https://streamable.com/hntg9

ALXMAC

If you mean Debbie, then I agree with you.
(by that I mean the remake with Sunrise Adams)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I have fucked one person in Dallas and it wasn’t the great, hell if I’m going to fuck the rest of that damn town.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I did have relations with someone in Texas once, but not in Dallas.
But yeah, it wasn’t that great.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/a-j-green-sounds-unsure-about-his-future-with-bengals-as-he-heads-into-final-year-of-contract/

“If Green does end up staying in Cincinnati, Bengals fans might want to thank Andy Dalton, who happens to be one of Green’s closest friends on the team.”

If we keep Dalton, we stay Painfully Average but keep Green. If we dump Dalton, we may get better but lose Green. This is worst that Sophie’s Choice!

This is yet more proof that at the end of the day God is a member of the Steelers Nation.

Don T

Hey scotchy, didja just say Don Quixote is on yer list? Well, allow me a brief observation:

El ingenioso hidalgo Don Quijote de la Mancha is the best thing put to paper. Yes, Cervantes’s prose begs to be read aloud, so some genius suffers in translation. But damn: there is
A
LOT
going on
in the book.

It was published by the early XVII Century and it skewered the most popular art of the time: knight tales and pastoral stuff.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MOAR
-first novel ever (says Bakhtin, not this peasant)

-the 1st chapter is Alonso Quijano constructing himself as Don Quijote

-the narrator is the novel’s “stepfather”, because most of the source material is from a Moor—a conceit introduced around chapter 7, right at the moment Don Quijote is about to be struck by a “knight”. But the archive material ended right there, and we’re treated to the story of how the narrator found the arabic manuscript that told how the battle ended. (The Moors had been just kicked outta Spain and they were being persecuted. BUT, in the novel, a Moor becomes the main chronicler of “the most noble and brave knight in Spain” is heady AF).

-By chapter 15, the book DEMOLISHED what is now known as The Friend Zone (300-odd years ago!) by chapter 15. It’s the story of Marcela, the most beautiful shepherd in the land, an Artemis type. Marcela crashes the funeral procession of another shepherd who died because of her “cruelty”. And she lets them ALL have it.

-Sancho Panza

-The second part is even better! Written out of spite!!! Because many ripoffs followed. How do we know? Because Cervantes says so IN THE PROLOGUE. Which goes on to a merciless and thorough takedown of the worst and most profitable hack who published a “2nd part” of the novel. And the prologue says Don Quijote dies at the end, so no more stories come out.

-Don Quijote gets a hold of that fake 2nd part and—OK OK.
[deep breath]

tl dr Best thing written

Don T

It was over 400 years ago. Not 300!
Christ that was a stiff drink.

Unsurprised

I tried getting into a Spanish Literature class at the university I was studying at in Spain. Unfortunately I never even got a chance to read it out loud when the prof handed me the book to test if I knew what the fuck I was doing (I was fluent in Spanish, but not necessarily sixteenth-century Spanish). Oh well. It’s probably for the best, although that would’ve been interesting to hear pretentious college students opine in another language for a change.

I did take a modern (1492-2000) Spanish history class. That was cool since there were only two of us in the class. The final was basically a ten to fifteen minute discussion of a book on the transition to democracy. That was kind of fun. I wish I remembered more of that class.

Don T

I gotta give it to Spain: them folks know how to live and Dios mío el español.. What a tongue.

ALXMAC

What’s a game 7, without Overtime?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-fMQ-DsUUM

Redshirt

Near the end the sound was so distorted, my brain heard it and went “My guess is as good as yours.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

I think that’s my old elementary school principal.

Redshirt

Oh, come on, Fox Sports. Just show Game 4 of the 1990 World Series. Actual documented proof a Cincinnati sports team can not only win a playoff game but even a championship.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52YyX7_gzrs&t=2h16m

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Senor Weaselo

Never change, Florida Man. Or please change before your alcohol, drug, and bath salt-induced rampages kill us all.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Has Dallas tried… not giving up all the shots on goal? I mean, seriously, all of them.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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WCS

Can a 1-1 game count as BANANACAKES? I think it should.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yup

Dunstan

MOAR HOCKEY

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Senor Weaselo

Synchronized falling!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh I thought the Rockets’ game wasn’t until tomorrow night.

Senor Weaselo

Who flops ore, the Rockets or the Azzuri?
/Can make the Italian flopping jokes because half-Italian

Redshirt

Monday: Bee Delay (bee swarm invades the infield)
Tuesday: Lighting Delay (left field lights are out in Oakland)

That’s my Reds!

Redshirt

One’s a Utility Infielder playing way above the back of his playing card. The other’s an elephant.

Together, they fight crime! (and localized power outages)

https://twitter.com/Reds/status/1125949999408402433

Unsurprised

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Dunstan

Can’t believe the post doesn’t list ESPN2’s coverage of the World Axe-Throwing League.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Do we get to choose at whom we throw them?

If so, I’m in.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Tonight, I’m cooking Shrimp Scampi at…
/checks clock

Holy shit, what is my problem?
Meh, fuck it. It smells good.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Admittedly, this is a sentence I never thought I’d say, but….

DO BETTER ST. LOUIS!!!!!!!!!

Senor Weaselo

I mean it shouldn’t be hard, Bishop can only move diagonally.

herodotus450

“So like, more provel cheese?”

theeWeeBabySeamus

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WCS

The 2019 Lightening’s playoff run (artist’s conception)

Dunstan

So I found an invitation to Nextdoor in my mail today. I have close to zero interest in “sharing service provider recommendation, items for sale, lost pet notifications,” etc. But I hear that Nextdoor is a great source of internet drama and middle class racism/classism (“I saw some suspicious characters in the neighborhood today. They just didn’t look like they BELONG here, you know”) worthy of mockery. And I’m always up for pointing and laughing.

Anyone have any firsthand experience?

theeWeeBabySeamus

If she’s hot, go next door. If she’s not, don’t.

Wait, I might have misunderstood.

Unsurprised

Mine was boring af, which is weird since the homeless have begun encroaching up the hill.

rockingdog
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy shit.

scotchnaut

Finished Infomocracy, now it’s on to Paradox Bound. After that is Don Kwixcote, In Search Of Rememdering Pants and A Really, Really Long Novel. Feeling good about my goal of reading a bunch of things before next year!

/I’m drunker than your mother… and that’s saying something

herodotus450

Scotchy’s recomendations haven’t let me down yet
https://i.prcdn.co/img?regionKey=A6yRIX8%2B0wYmm65PuiDBHw%3D%3D&scale=100
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theeWeeBabySeamus

No judging, but she looks like she could be kinda murdery.

rockingdog

found a funny:
[god inventing horses]
make a sexy donkey

Redshirt

I’m imagining centaurs being made because an angel messing around on the Create-a-Creature while God was in the bathroom.

“What are you doing here? Get out of here! What the…? Where’s the undo button?”

Dunstan

Ever read the old Dungeons & Dragons Monster Manuals.

Uh, no, me neither. That’s for NERDS!

But, uh, I HEAR that there’s a lot of fucked up things like Owlbears that were blamed on “crazy wizard experiments.” Because hey, science demands that we find out what happens if an owl fucks a bear.

Redshirt

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Senor Weaselo

Is that where TV Tropes got “Hot Skitty on Wailord Action”?

Redshirt

Not the same picture but same topic.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

We’re listening.

– the population of Tijuana

Redshirt

Desk chair is broken, seat feels like it balancing on a ball. I’m debating the risk of it falling apart and me falling on my head versus spending $100 on a new chair.

scotchnaut

Desk chair is broken, seat feels like it is balancing on a ball

Seriously, send your furniture to therapy before it’s too late.

rockingdog

ummmm I went to bed early last night and missed Padres vs Mets….
yoooo Paddack was On!!!

https://twitter.com/PitchingNinja/status/1125795440950161409

rockingdog
Wakezilla

Steph Curry’s wife said today on a talk show that she wished men would hit on her. On a scale of 1-10, how likely is it that the Rockets and Tristan Thompson are all sliding in Curry’s wife’s DMs?

Also, Rockets in 6?

rockingdog

that game last night was YIKES!!!!
yea its not looking good for warriors….

scotchnaut

[reaches out to Steph Curry’s wife, gets hit]

-Janay Rice

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, I wish the 76ers had melted down this badly against the Nets.

Wakezilla

TBF, Embiid hadn’t caught Captain Trips at that point.

Redshirt

Okay, I respect what Captain Phillips went though but he bascially got himself kidnapped in the lifeboat, plus any hostage knows the first rule is don’t piss off the bad guys with the guns. By my count he did it twice in the lifeboat. At this point its becomes less a Successful Rescue Attempt and more of a Failed Suicide by Hostage Taker.

herodotus450

Captain Phillips is good but Captain Torx provides more grip and less chance of stripping.

Redshirt

I’m so tired, it took me nearly 20 minutes to get that joke.

Redshirt

(watching “Captain Phillips”)

How in the hell can an American cargo ship sail in pirate infested waters without at least one gun for protection? In a world where people have a light machine guns to go deer hunting or people having more guns and ammo than the Continental Army, couldn’t these poor guys be spared at least a revolver?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t they have sonic devices these days?

Redshirt

Even that would work. One concussion grenade and those pirates are waking up in their boat with your ship long gone.

Senor Weaselo

Didn’t everyone hate that trailer? Hell, I’m a Sonic fan and I refused to watch it on principle.

Redshirt

At least its not Super Mario Bros. In this one, it sounds like they’re actually trying. Which is sad really.

Unsurprised

Prohibited under some international maritime treaty. Even the mercenaries they started hiring around that time had to operate with severe restrictions. Besides that, those ships are enormous and nearly impossible to defend until you have pirates onboard.

scotchnaut

“ONE drink.”

-Don T

Your discipline impresses and disappoints me at the very same time.

Ian Scott McCormick

You have no idea what sized glass he’s using.

scotchnaut

As though something as technologically advanced as ‘glass’ is available Porto Costco. Nice try.

Redshirt

A tanker can count as a glass right?

Don T

Rye and a lil’ tap water. This one:

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The Funnest of Facts! I dunno if time heals all wounds, but it has mostly erased my wedding ring mark ??

scotchnaut

I like this guy.

Ian Scott McCormick

We all realize that “Slick” is just CTE induced dementia, right?
I’m okay with whistling past it. It’s Tuesday, we’ve all got shit going on. But I’ve just got to know that we’re all on board with what’s going on here.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“I’m on board.”

– Fred Smoot

Don T

I’m on board.
-Jesus of Nazareth

ArmedandHammered

“I’m on a board” – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

scotchnaut

“Dear God, sorry to disturb you but

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p554R-Jq43A

scotchnaut
theeWeeBabySeamus

After running some errands and doing some yardwork earlier today, I decided to take a nap. When I woke up I looked at the clock and it was just after 7pm, but I thought it was just after 7am tomorrow morning. I hate daylight savings time.

And yes, I feel stupid.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

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Redshirt

I did the opposite my first week of college. Lied down on my bed at 6:00 PM. Next thing I know its 6:00 AM. Its weird having 24 hours of daylight with no night.

scotchnaut

“Oh God! Not The Bee Gees!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sqE6P3XyiQ

Redshirt

Not sure if it was posted here, but yesterday afternoon’s Reds games was delayed due to bees swarming around Homeplate during warmups. Reds Catcher Curt Casali was quoted as saying:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EVCrmXW6-Pk

Don T

Top lies heard today, so far:
5. “I was just informed of this meeting”
4. “Mi amor, don’t feel obligated to call me”
3. “Those $4,000 are a standard fee for selling your home”
2. “You are for me only”
1. “I want the divorce as much as you do!”

Don T

Fuck this. I’m having a drink.

Don T

ONE drink. I have a half Adderall in me already, so I gotta avoid getting The Hulks.

WCS

DON T SMASH
DON T WRITE LAW TALKIN’ PAPERS

Redshirt

“Don’t worry. I’m sure this is legal.”

Senor Weaselo

I got in the car and had ESPN Radio on, and Joe Namath was finishing an interview on the Michael Kay Show and called Don La Greca “Dan.”

Again, sober.

scotchnaut

/today

Sales Rep: “Can you tell me why we don’t have [specific perishable product] readily in stock for our clients?”

Me: “No one ever asks for it. Have you received some requests lately?”

Rep: “Yeah, a guy today.”

Me: “I can bring in an 25lb. case special order if he wants but he’ll have to wait until Friday…”

Rep: : “He wants 2lbs.”

Me: “2lbs?”

Rep: [covers phone, talks with customer] “He’ll take 5lbs if that makes it easier.”

Me: [tries to imagine a world where a sales rep with 25+ years of experience has some rudimentary understanding of anything, anything outside their commission-hungry existence.]

herodotus450

I mean, what do you expect a guy to do with 25 lbs of tiger penises anyway?

scotchnaut

“HAH! that’s so funny!”

[whispers]

DM me… right now!

Redshirt

/ my story

Me: “I would like to throw these items away.”
Inventory: “We can’t. They have a value associated with them.”
Me: “But aren’t they obsolete?”
Inventory: “Yes, for about two years.”
Me: “So we won’t use them?”
Inventory: “No, we can’t use them.”
Me: “So they are only taking up space?’
Inventory: “Yes.”
Me: “So why can’t we get rid of them?”
Inventory: “Because they are worth money to us.”

tl;dr Even worthless things have worth.

Wakezilla

But Red, you can write those worthless things off and then remove them once you send them back to the supplier.

Redshirt

Knowing where I work, they’ll claim the same thing three times, then when the supplier finds out, I’ll be the one being served.

Don T

It’s valuable ballast!

Unsurprised

Inventory: “Because they are worth money to us.”

As a tax asset.

WCS

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Unsurprised

The bad part is how much he spills.