Preseason LiveBlog: It’sHereIt’sHereIt’sHereIt’sHere!

It’s TIME, biznitches! Pre-Preseason Football is upon us. It is time to anesthetize ourselves to our misgivings and celebrate the unifying factor that brought us all here- NFL FOOBAW!!!

WHEN AND WHERE TO WATCH: 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 p.m. God Fearing Time. NBC.

WHERE: Canton, Ohio, because it is the “Hall of Fame Game.” Nevermind that the Hall of Fame induction aren’t until Saturday. Seriously, how the shit do Kevin Mawae and Ty Fucking Law get to share the stage with Tony Gonzalez? On the upside, I can’t wait to see the look on Ed Reed’s face when they give him a brand-new wool jacket that he didn’t have to strip off the frozen corpse of Switchyard Joe.

WHO: Seriously? Do you really care?

Fine.

Atlanta takes on the Denver Not Elways.  Frankly, I think that after Peyton’s Corpse was carried as a totem before the Ever Victorious Defense that won the Super Bowl, Elway vowed that never again would he allow a potential threat to his Greatest Bronco Quarterback title to set foot on the field.

Frankly, this game looks to be even more of a Keystone Cops farce than the usual first preseason game. Both teams look like they are resting their starters, so the world will be deprived of Joe Flacco playing under the bright lights of Nowhere, Ohio- instead we get Kevin Hogan with a side order of Drew Lock. Fortunately, I assume former defensive coordinator and High School Drivers’ Ed teacher Vic Fangio will be superaggressive in showing off new schemes and stunts on both sides of the ball.

Matt Ryan will be sitting in favor of Matt Schaub, with the second half being played by…um…”Kurt Benkert”? Seriously? That’s not like a Random Madden Draft Pick?  The most intriguing part I see on Atlanta’s side is Judge Ito Smith trying to hold off a raft competitors vying to be Tevin Coleman’s replacement as Second Banana at running back. Uggh.

No one would actually bet on this shit, right?  I mean, how degenerate would you have to be to-

Spread, total (as of Thursday morning): Broncos by 2.5, 34.5.

NM. King Hippo rolls hard tonight. I anticipate minute-by minute prop bets.

HAPPY FOOTBALL Y’ALL.