Ramming Into the Future: The 2019 Los Angeles Rams Team Preview

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Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Webmaster: Dick Joke Blog at Evil Corp
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle.Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski.They have no children, but do have the world’s cutest dogs.
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I hate this organization.

There, I said it.  Now you know exactly what kind of preview you’re getting for this team.

The Rams come into the 2019-2020 season on a massive Super Bowl hangover, having been handled easily by the hated New England Patriots in the Super Bowl.  Since teams very rarely lose Super Bowls ad return to gain vengeance (unless they’re the Patriots) the Rams are looking at years of mediocrity, featuring puzzling loses to teams they look better than on paper.

All kidding aside, if any team in the league is built to shake off the disappointment of the enormous, humiliating loss in the Super Bowl, it’s these Rams.  After all, they have trained hard to look past failure.  They have to see both Stan Kroenke’s hair and moustache regularly, something that shows that no matter how rich and successful you are, there are some things everyone sucks at.

(This is the part of the preview where Saints fans scream about the no-call.  Go ahead guys, I’ll wait.)

While a lot of things have to go very right for the Rams to get back to the Super Bowl, they have a ton of pluses in their favor.  Jared Goff turned the corner and became a legitimate NFL quarterback after Jeff Fischer’s attempts to end his career fizzled out.  Todd Gurley is, when healthy, one of the most exciting and talented players in the NFL.  Brandin Cooks can run with anyone, and makes any offense more exciting.

Oh yeah, Aaron Donald is actually in camp, meaning he may not start slowly, which has to be got-dammed terrifying for opposing quarterbacks.

The Rams had some personnel losses, including guard Roger Saffold, Ndamukong Suh, Mark Barron, who was a weird safety/LB hybrid, and Lamarcus Joyner, a fun player to have at safety.  They also added some veterans, including Clay Matthews and Eric Weddle, who are, um, washed up.

However, the most important addition of the offseason?  Blake Freaking Bortles as the new backup QB.

Caution should be noted with this team, however.  They haven’t had a first-round pick in the last 3 drafts and only had 2 second rounders in that time.  The loss of high-end draft picks eventually catches up with any team.

Really, the Rams know that they will get a monster in Donald, no matter who lines up next to him.  The real wild card in all of this is Gurley.

Todd Gurley is supremely talented, but disappeared down the stretch with an injury, then was completely phased out of the gameplan in the playoffs.  If the Gurley from the first half of the season is back, this is a playoff team.  If he’s still hurt or they have lost confidence in him, this team will be dealing with a serious Super Bowl hangover, and the season could be as ugly as whatever’s growing on Stan’s face.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris
DTZM escaped his dark timeline through a wormhole created by Lord Screech, after he destroyed Bayside for never allowing him to mate with Lisa Turtle. Zach now lives a quiet life in St. Louis with his wife, Darkest Timeline Kelly Kapowski. They have no children, but do have the world's cutest dogs.
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Low Commander of the Super SoldiersBrettFavresColonoscopyBrick MeathookscotchnautRedshirt Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Counterpoint on Jared Goff–allegedly the reason he looked so bad in the Superb Owl is because McVay couldn’t tell him what do to do based on the Pats constantly changing coverage. In other words, he’s too dumb to read a defense. This is going to be a shit year for him when he plays against non assclown defenses.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I completely forgot the Rams were in the last Super Bowl. In fact, I completely forgot they moved to L.A.

-Angeleno

Old School Zero

Rams can’t even suck enough to be the worst football team in LA. Pathetic. Suck better, assholes!

scotchnaut

[ballsofsteel tells me how to minus comments]

Redshirt

I would have also accepted:

scotchnaut

Despite myself, I had to +1 you.

scotchnaut

-1… again?

Redshirt

Hey, wait a minute. This ain’t me this time.

scotchnaut

That’s what the Trotskyites always say. Off to the Lubyanka with you!

Redshirt

scotchnaut

“I had to -1 you. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”

-J. Stalin

Redshirt

Is it just me or has every preview been written with a feeling of contempt, loathing or just plain hatred for the team being previewed?

ballsofsteelandfury

Very much so.

scotchnaut

It’s not you, it’s the zeitgeist.

blaxabbath

Uhhhhh….this IS the NFL we’re talking about still, right?

scotchnaut

all kidding aside

“I’ll take, “What was Jeffrey Epstein’s very first instruction to his lawyers”, for $600, Alex.”

scotchnaut

Me: “Too soon?”

Lawyers: “Actually? Too late.”

Redshirt

Over/Under number people who got a text on Saturday that simply read “The Goose is cooked.”: 15

scotchnaut

I fucking knew Heston Blumenthal was behind this!

theeWeeBabySeamus

They are totally protecting Gurley’s knee.
It’s gon’ be interesting.

litre_cola

No idea what he is going to do.

scotchnaut

How does this comment get a -1?

Redshirt

What the.. I don’t have Minus Button Privileges?

scotchnaut

Me neither. Drinking the blood of a new-born rabbit during an eclipse is a big “nope!” for me.

ballsofsteelandfury

You all have minus button privileges. The problem is finding it. It’s invisible, but to the right of the like button counter.

scotchnaut

[wavers back and forth]

Not sure whether to ‘plus’ or ‘minus’ this comment.

Redshirt

You may have misspelled waver. Just in case, I’m giving you a -1.

scotchnaut
Redshirt

Okay, I have +2’d you to +1. Also sadly, you can’t downvote yourself.

scotchnaut

I downvoted myself multiple times before I moved out of my childhood home.

scotchnaut

Learn yourself a little something. POW!

rockingdog
rockingdog
Ian Scott McCormick

13-3. Fuck that shit ass Super Bowl.