Latest posts by Cuntler (see all)
- A Slightly Informed 2019 Green Bay Packers Preview – August 30, 2019
- 2017 Indianapolis Colts Preview – August 21, 2017
- Denver Media Considers the Triumphant Return of Jay Cutler! – February 22, 2017
For some reason, this website let a me, a dumb Bears fan, write the 2016 Green Bay Packers preview. I predicted a 10-6 record and an early playoff exit. They finished 10-6 and made it to the NFC Championship game, where they were curb-stomped by the Falcons. I am very impressed with myself. Anyway, here we go.
THE 2018 GREEN BAY PACKERS SEASON
Last year, the preview on this website called the NFC North “a two team race” between the Vikings and Packers, declaring that the Packers “are a good team.” HAHAHAHAHAHA. The Packers sucked. The Bears won the division. The author of that post was so wrong that he was forced to move from one desert to another desert. The Packers finished with a losing record for the second year in a row. They lost twice to the Lions, their fourth in a row in the series, including a 31-0 beat-down at home. They lost to the Cardinals at home. They lost to the Rams because Ty Montgomery is a dumb shit. Oh, how they lost and lost and lost! The Beav was fired after the Arizona game, and they were eliminated in Week 15 in a road loss the Bears. These were the first back-to-back losing seasons for the team since 1991, before the ole’ gunslinger arrived in town. Needless to say, the rest of the NFC North’s freude was schadened.
THE 2018 GREEN BAY PACKERS EXCUSES
Aaron Rodgers is not at full strength! Mike McCarthy is a fat fucking dumbass! Mason Crosby sucks! Ty Montgomery is a moron! Too many phantom roughing the passer penalties! Injuries! This article pretty much sums up the real problem, though: The Coach was derelict in his duties and the quarterback was and is a once-in-a-generation talent who is also the whiniest, pettiest, most egotistical bitch in the league. Fun!
THE 2019 GREEN BAY PACKERS DRAFT
Rd. 1, pick 12: Rashan Gary, Michigan, LB and Ohio State whipping boy
Rd. 1, pick 21: Darnell Savage, Maryland, S and psycho-coach survivor
Rd. 2, pick 44: Ellington Jenkins, Mississippi State, G and alto sax player for James Brown
Rd. 3, pick 75: Jace Sternberger, Texas A&M, TE and likely ski-race challenger to Stan Marsh
Rd. 5, pick 12: Kinglsey Kate, Texas A&M, DL and possible female camper from Camp Kikiwaka
The rest: Who gives a shit?
THE 2019 GREEN BAY PACKERS FREE AGENCY
Adrian Amos, S and 11th-best Bears defensive starter, from Chicago
Za’Darius Smith, LB and henchman for Sho’nuff in “The Last Dragon”, from Baltimore
Preston Smith, LB and Goldman Sachs intern, from Washington
Billy Turner, G and 12 year old nemesis of Kelly Leak, from Denver
THE 2019 GREEN BAY PACKERS COACH
Matt “the Flower” Lafleur replaces the Beav. Let’s take a quick look at his resume. He’s a man, he’s 40. He tore his Achilles in the off season bending over to kiss Rodgers’s ass. He’s coached at a bunch of shitty colleges in Michigan, making him a likely Kid Rock fan. His first professional gig was with what looks to be an Arena League team called the “Houston Texans” in 2008-09 as an offensive assistant, and then he was hired by the Washington Racists by Kyle Shanahan (who at one time was a hot commodity, but who now officially sucks) as a QB coach who mentored RGIII and Kirk Cousins (woof). For some weird reason, he went to Notre Dame in 2014 to be something called a “quarterback’s trainer.” Then he was with the Falcons (QB Coach in 2016), the Rams in 2017 (offensive coordinator who did NOT call plays), and the Titans in 2018 (offensive coordinator). Basically, he has had one season of play-calling and his team ranked 25th in total offense. His offensive philosophy includes lots of play action, shots down the field, and varied ball distribution (that’s what she said). He also loves screens, but doesn’t really like quarterbacks who audible, which could be a problem. Aaron Rodgers’s response to the hiring was lukewarm: “A lot of change in life is tough at first, but it usually works out for the best.”
THE 2019 GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK
Source: Getty via Deadspin
Aaron Rodgers. One of the best, if not the best, statistical quarterback in NFL history. Cosplayer. Terribly unfunny actor. Also, apparently, he is a huge dickhead, almost like if Jay Cutler had talent. He likes to alienate coaches. He alienates receivers like they were his immediate family. He plays favorites. He has a terrible ego. Basically, he is modern day Dan Marino. Dan Marino was good, though! His success this season will likely turn on his ability to mesh with his new coach. After rumors that the relationship was rocky, here’s what Captain Dickhead had to say.
It’s fake news, John. That’s the media cycle these days. Unfortunately, the media — other than obviously yourself — there’s a lack of integrity, I think. There’s a rush to put up headlines that are clickbait because the ad revenue is based on the amount of visits you get to your website. So instead of putting in a title that aptly fits the forthcoming article, it’s more lucrative to post something that’s going to generate the most commotion so that your site or your story gets the most hits possible. And when you’re in a really low news cycle like in June and July, when there’s not much football going on, that’s the kind of stuff that comes out. We don’t need to spend any time talking about it because it’s complete ridiculousness.
Huh, so he’s speaking defensively and using Trump-ish vocabulary. Cool. Cool. Cool.
Lost in my biased highlighting of his prickish attitude, Rodgers is still extremely talented and has an astonishing feel for the game. Also, he appears driven by spite, and, as noted above, he has plenty of spite towards those that question his attitude or relationships with others. Famous assholes and champions like Micheal Jordan have used the smallest slights as inspiration for excellence, so maybe this will work for Rodgers. Unfortunately for him, out side of Davante Adams, his teammates at offensive skill positions are probably the third best in the division
THE 2019 GREEN BAY PACKERS DEFENSE AND SPECIAL TEAMS
The defense is coached by Browns washout and gravy-covered cheese curd Mike Pettine. The best player on the defense last year, Mike Daniels, was a cap casualty this preseason (and was immediately signed by the Lions). A quick look at the depth chart shows a few modest upgrades in free agency in the Smiths, a strong tackler but poor cover safety in Amos, and a bunch of unproven dudes you have never heard of. This could, in theory, work if the young defense is young and hungry like a fat kid at Old Country Buffet. More than likely, though, this defense will be inconsistent, as it is the least experienced in the NFC North. This is NOT the 2010 Packers with a fresh Clay Matthews, veteran Charles Woodson, and BJ Raji. This isn’t even the 2016 bend-but-don’t-break defense that got them to the NFC Championship game.
Special teams were perfectly average last year, and will likely be slightly improved, as GLORY BOY Ty Montgomery is no longer around to ruin things for everybody!!1!!1!q
THE 2019 GREEN BAY PACKERS OUTLOOK
The Packers have a new offense, are resetting the defense, and have an unproven coach. Rodgers is Rodgers, but he has a hard time playing with others that aren’t in the circle of trust. While he and Davante Adams have a good rapport, the running back (I am too lazy to look up his name, so let’s call him “Eddie Lacy”), Dupris Rodham-Clinton and Equity St. Thomas Aquinas, were all rookies last year and had a hard time clicking with Rodgers. Also, with a new offense, everything might take longer to come together than all the pundits suggest. Jimmy Graham is old and shitty now. While they have a third-place schedule, that only affects two of their games, and they will likely have a hard road against the AFC West and NFC East. Also, the Packers, talent-wise, are probably the third-best team in the NFC North. Chicago and Minnesota both have better defenses and skill players on offense. While Rodgers is talented enough to pull out a win or two on his own, his inexperienced receivers and modestly-upgraded no-name defense will probably help him lose a few. That, and they can’t beat the fuckin’ Lions, man. I don’t think this is a playoff team this year, but, depending on the maturation of the defense and Declan Zeta-Jones, Edgar Bennett III and Eugenics St. Bonaventure, they could have a promising future in 2020.
8-8. NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU!!!
[Oops. banner image source: AP]