Your Thursday Evening, “Wait – Who’s That Guy?!” Final Preseason Games Open Thread

Hi everyone,

It’s your old pal Beerguy, filling in for Scotchy tonight. He’d love to be here with you, but he’s having to take care of some relatives that came into town unexpectedly.

So, I’ll dispense with my usual news/notes/nuggets format and instead get right into some quick, pithy analysis of tonight’s contests.

• Colts at Bengals
  • The Jacoby Brissett era will begin amid a chorus of boos from fat people Colts fans in the stands who drove all the way to Cincinnati to boo him, but still don’t understand how they drove Andrew Luck to quit.

• Falcons at Jaguars
  • Matty Ice versus Big Dick Nick, for about a quarter. Then it’s an episode of Arthur Blank’s favourite kids show, “Where in The World Is Julio Jones?”

• Vikings at Bills
  • A team saddled with a middling QB versus a team that hasn’t had even that since the mid-90s.

• Steelers at Panthers – NFL Network – 7:00PM
  • Imagine if you will: A broadcast team stuck on a loop discussing
    • Big Ben’s leadership skills
    • Ryan Shazier’s heart
    • Cam Newton’s (latest) injury
    • How many games will Luke Kuechly play
  • Sartre said “Hell is other people”; Beerguy says Hell is listening to this broadcast

• Eagles at Jets
  • A stadium filled with green & white clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.

• Giants at Patriots
  • A stadium filled with red, white & blue clad fans no one would miss if the meteor or terrorists chose that target.

• Lions at Browns
  • A “O-fer” Bowl matchup that portends what the Browns might actually do this year against teams they should beat. The only question is whether they pull Mayfield before he gets hurt.

• Ravens at [Redacteds]
  • Earl Thomas is going to get some before he gets sat. THE GHOST OF RAY LEWIS MUST BE SATED!
  • Also, this will be the place to test Lamar’s arm to see how far he can throw to open downfield receivers. It will seem like they all get 10-yard head starts.

• Dolphins at Saints
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…nope.
  • I better check to see if this review is acceptable. Scotchy?

• Rams at Texans
  • This one should be good, as DeShaun needs to be tested against a quality defence, to judge whether the Texans have a chance to take the division. For the Rams, expect lots of guarded talk about Gurley’s legs.

• Bucs at Cowboys
  • Expect lots of talk about contracts, comparisons to Emmitt Smith, and whether this is FINALLY the year for Rapey Jameis to break out.

• Titans at Bears
  • Khalil Mack has yet to feed. Marcus Mariota has yet to be hurt. One of those is likely to change.

• Chiefs at Packers
  • Aaron will see his first game time this preseason, only to get pulled the second his line shows sign of weakness. Or, about 2.45 into the first quarter. Mahomes, meanwhile, will attempt a 75-yard Hail Mary just to show off what a younger arm can do.
  • Andy Reid will miss the game due to a rib eating injury.

• Cardinals at Broncos
  • I don’t believe this game will be televised.

• Chargers at 49ers – NFL Network – 10:00PM
  • The two most contemptible owners on the West Coast watch their teams get together for a meaningless affair which will only serve to allow Philip Rivers to spread his seed north of Bakerfield.

• Raiders at Seahawks
  • A battle between two teams wanting Sebastian Janikowski to wear their hat at his Florida State Ring of Honor induction ceremony.

There are two national broadcasts, but please ring in with whatever regional options have blessed your teevee box. After all – the next Joe Buck has to come from somewhere.

TO THE GAMES!