Your “On To Victory! (*Not Applicable To Jets or Fins)” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Why don’t teams have V-L-T (or draw) records? How did the short and curt ‘win’ win out? Is it because ‘victory’ is a bit melodramatic? Perhaps. I’d suggest a new word and that is ‘wictory’. It’s new and exciting and just rolls off Elmer Fudd’s tongue. TO THE GAMES!

Ravens/Chiefs:

All corneas should be on this one. There was lots of chatter about Arizony picking up the pace with Kingsbury showing up but the team that is the Hurry Up king so far is Baltimore at an average of 72.5 offensive plays per game. PFF’s highest ranked O player is… tight end Mark Andrews? They’ve remarked that he only plays 55% of the teams snaps and that is a travesty. But perhaps his grade is so high because of his limited participation?

Bengals/Bills:

Well, he’s gone and done it. Thanks to Singletary’s injury Frank Gore is the very first solid RB2 at the age of 36. Why? Because the Bengals are the worst tackling team in the league and Mr. Gore loves to break himself tackles. He’s got to go for at least 80 and a score.

Miami/Dallas:

The Fins are leading the league in fewest points scored, most sacks allowed, most INT’s allowed and most points scored against by opposing D’s. Call a family member rather than watch this Atrocity Exhibition.

Broncs/Pack:

Fantasy owners of Aaron Jones were the opposite of delighted at the news that coach LaFleur wants to up the number of touches that Jamaal Williams gets, creating a potential RBBC. Kudos go out to wr Sanders for his phenomenal recovery.

Falcons/Colts:

We were told that Brissett was a very conservative tosser of the football and this has been proven the first two weeks. No one aside from T.Y. has more than 40 yds. receiving so far. That’s a recipe for a losing record. Am I right, yeah right?

Raiders/Vikes:

Minny’s running game is all roses and pink unicorns but the same certainly can’t be said about Cousins and the passing game. Of the 42 players that have tossed at least one pass so far he ranks dead last. His QBR is a nasty 16.6-for comparison’s sake Mahomes is at 92.9. Sure he’ll get better but he won’t ever be good enough to take the Vikes to a conference championship game.

Jets/Pats:

The spread is 22.5. The Pats D hasn’t given up a TD yet. The Jets are playing their 3rd string qb. Is this what you want NFL? Really? Probably.

Lions/Eagles:

The Eagles secondary as a unit has handed opposing qb’s a 127 qb rating. They’ve just one INT and given up 5 TDs. Start Chubby Bubblegum. Now. By the by, you may want to pick up J.J. Arcega-Whiteside while he’s still cheap.

Did I miss anything? I hope not. There’s also some soccer going on. DAZN tells me that Sassuola/SPAL, Brom/Hudder, HAM/MAN, Lecce/Napoli, Palace/Wolves, Chelsea/Liver and Arse/Aston among many others are on offer this morning.

Have at it.

 

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bk109

Btw, I saw a stat that LevBell got 43.something percent of touches in the first games for the Jets… Sooooo, uhhhh… That holdoout so he wasn’t run into the ground by the Steelers for good money was a rousing success, eh?

ballsofsteelandfury

He gone be ded by Week 10.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, but he’ll be dead because of some contagious disease Darnold picks up.

Gratliff

That thing where you’re kind of sad your team is playing on local TV because it means you have to watch commercials

ballsofsteelandfury

It must be nice being a Ravens fan and knowing you have the division sown up like the Patriots.

Redshirt

I wouldn’t sleep on Pittsburgh. They live to make my life and by coincidence the rest of the AFC North’s life a living hell.

ballsofsteelandfury

Once Mason settles in, they’ll be fine, but an 0-3 hole is too much to climb out of. Best case, they challenge for a Wild Card spot, but that’s it.

entropy

Let me begin this next comment with “fuck AB,” lest anyone think I’m defending him.

That said, fuck the ENTIRE New England organization. They don’t get to take the moral high ground now that he sent some fucked up tweets “as a member of the Patriots organization,” as though somehow they’re fucking immune from shit behavior. They KNEW what they were getting in AB, let him play anyway, and then gave him a game ball.

Fuck them, fuck “the hard work of many people over the last 11 days,” and fuck Brady in particular for his “too many flags” tweet bullshit during Thursday’s game. They can all go get fucked by a cactus dipped in lime juice.

There’s a pornhub search term, balls. “Lime juice cactus fucking” should provide some truly psychologically illuminating results.

ballsofsteelandfury

ON IT!

Gratliff

The only people who didn’t think he was gonna end up in NE the same day were Pats fans in denial. I don’t know if Grumblelord is capable of morality beyond “Did we win?”

Spur

Big Data cover on CBS, nice

Fronkenshteen

Hippo! Darrel Williams worth a start over Burkhead (sans James White) today?

King Hippo

Nope. Unless you really need to gamble hard.

Fronkenshteen

Check. Impulse buy. Got the heart a-racin’ for a minute there.

Spur

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Crown Royal Apple flavor sounds horrendous.

Gratliff

inb4 the weekly “Dak is the best NFC East QB” shenanigans, this still frame of a first down completion:
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entropy

Now show us how he lost!

(I’m sorry, I can’t help myself, I hate the fuckin Eagles, man)

Gratliff

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Spur

I like to remember games my team won but whatever makes you happy.

Gratliff

I too enjoy watching archive footage from 1996

Horatio Cornblower

Eagles have three active QBs this week for a reason. Carson Wentz is made of glass.

Gratliff

There’s a non-zero chance one of them is playing wideout by the end of the game

King Hippo

Since the Shite scored, I have solely had heroic RedZone muzak in the background. I have chosen well.

King Hippo

Here’s the craziest thingy – Bill Belicheck actually gave James White gameday off to be there for the birth of his child.

/watch him get cut Monday morning

entropy

Yeah, that “inactive (personal)” was just code for “stuck in a long line at the local Uhaul store.”

herodotus450

Belichick trying to make sure he gets cut juuust before his health insurance pays out for that birth.

Redshirt

I’m a family man, James. You should be there for your wife and my kid.

King Hippo

grumble grumble

bk109

Oh, you’re just salty because Elway actually got ya Checkdown Flacco to be your starting QB… Cheer up, tho, at least it’s an improvement over Paxton Lynch and the Brock Lobster

bk109

Which would be funnier, if he doesn’t actually do that for his players often enough, because he actually respects the players under him (the ones that put in the work and don’t act divaish)… Hell, he did it with Van Noy against the Yinzers, back when we thought they could actually play well all the way back in Week 1….

Viva La Tabula Raza

P*ts should still be able to handle the Jets without the proud father.
I wonder if he has to forfeit his pay for the game.

bk109

Only the immortal soul of his kid… FUCK, NOW I’M DOING THESE JOKES TOO… I blame Hippo

Gratliff

Woo. NMU reference on NFL network reference.

entropy

Fuck the NFL and their sycophantic worship of the Manning name…. I hope Jones goes 25 for 28 with three TDs today, and they’re forced to show constant reaction shots of Eli growing increasingly distraught on the sideline as he realizes he WAS a drain on the team for four years and fans pelt him with cans full of frozen beer.

This is all allowable provided the Giants lose, of course.

Gratliff

I’m only okay with this if it’s a false hope situation and he’s out of the league in two years

Sharkbait

Subscribe

ArmedandHammered

You really expect Eli to be that self aware? He may have to wait till Olivia explains it with the sock puppets till he really understands.

yeah right

I’m kinda feeling a Miami back door cover and I don’t know why.

Balls, “Miami back door cover” is a solid search phrase while we’re at it.

ballsofsteelandfury

On it!

Spur

I dont think you have the funds for a proper “Miami back door cover”. I bet you can get a “Pensacola Push”

Gratliff

I want so bad to see the Cowboys faceplant against the worst team in the league. I need something to distract me from the 92 injured Eagles players.

Spur

DDT Attack, most effective

/Dallas is not going to cover, stay away from this game

Horatio Cornblower

I think Dallas will cover, not because of anything they’re likely to do, but because Miami isn’t even pretending to try this season and their players have every incentive to avoid things like “tackling”, “blocking”, or “trying” that might result in their getting injured for no goddamn reason at all.

King Hippo

I have a few bets to track, but I will abstain from active #HAILGAMBLOR during RedZone. I wouldn’t disrespect Scott Muthafuckin’ Hanson that way.

King Hippo

UPDATE: Fuck yes, IFK Varnamo!!

King Hippo

UPDATE UPDATE: godfuckingdamnit

King Hippo

Dunno who will React Most Reasonably this week – Everton, Arseholes, or Manure supporters.

Sharkbait

AB still in the lead. Or Spurs fans. Them too

entropy

One of my best friends is a Stillers fan; he seems to be unaware his franchise is about to be Jets-level dogshit for a few seasons, and I don’t know how (or even if!) I should let him in on this fact.

herodotus450

But James Connor is just as good as Leveon right?

entropy

You make a good point. Sarcastically comparing current players to great ones of the past has it’s own certain attraction.

King Hippo

lunch pale git ‘er done!!!111

ArmedandHammered

Nope, you encourage him in his belief. It makes the realization of reality more poignant and beautiful.

King Hippo

Stillers supporters totes deserve what’s coming their way (DFO imaginary friends excepted)

ballsofsteelandfury

If he’s that bad at self-awareness, he deserves the nasty surprise. Just make sure to laugh extra hard when the Jets beat them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is he in denial? Just bet against him repeatedly and then use the money you have accumulated at the end of the season to buy him a nice gift.

Fronkenshteen

My picks: Balmer +4.5 @ KC (Justin. Tucker.)
Tomasulas -6.5 vs Sitllers

You know the drill: Go and get ALL of your money and bet it the other way. You’re welcome.

ballsofsteelandfury

Those are solid picks. I concur.

King Hippo

almost took Balmer ML. They gave Chefs fits last year

entropy

Hey kids. Well, today we will see an NCAA-like score in possibly TWO games, as Dallas and New England will most likely win by numbers usually reserved for mass shooting fatality reports (topical humor guy, that’s me)…. but Ireland beat Scotland already in Rugby, and by God that was a good enough reason to finish my airplane bottles of Jameson before hitting the bar!

Wooooo NFL Sunday!

herodotus450

Maybe it’s just because I got my eyes scrubbed recently, but everyone’s avatar pictures look sharper today.

Dunstan

Why thank you. Larry got a new perm just for today.

Unsurprised

Gronk retires and suddenly there’s a herpes vaccine ready for human testing? ?

ArmedandHammered

Well for him it is a little late for a vaccination.

King Hippo

a favourite anecdote from Peter Hook’s writings on Madchester – Rob Gretton (manager for Joy Division and New Order) getting in Morrissey’s face and telling him “you just didn’t have the balls to kill yourself like Ian (Curtis), you’re bloody jealous.”

Unsurprised

Qrackers

yeah right

Gonna try to get some miles in before game time. This will be the first time since the “Incident” that I’ve taken this route. I’ll search for the crime scene.

Unsurprised

Yay for the walking.

I can’t remember what the incident is but boo, Incident.

yeah right

Two weeks ago I face-planted on the sidewalk during the morning walk.

It was…Unpleasant.

King Hippo

I am told chicks dig scars! 😀

bk109

The Mantra Of The [*Redacted] s Medical Staff?

yeah right

I recovered very fast. Just the upper lip still questionable.

Viva La Tabula Raza

When I came back from Afghanistan, I brought back a couple dozen pashmina shawls as gifts for various and sundry ladies of my acquaintance. Turns out chicks dig scarves, too.comment image

ArmedandHammered

Wear a hockey mask, like Jason. Protects your face and people get out of your way.

yeah right

Oh they got right the fuck out of my way when I walked back home alright. It was a fucking horror show.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Since it’s NFL Sunday, maybe wear a foobaw helmet.

Dunstan

“I have a really good one I can’t use any more.” — A. Brown

bk109

Soooo, arsenal are shitting the bed as expected… Welp, thanks Unay for making me actively miss end-stage Wenger!

Unsurprised

I just remembered that Dave Chappelle opens Sticks & Stones with a joke about Anthony Bourdain killing himself and now I have to rewatch that.

King Hippo

love a good prescient suicide joke, me

King Hippo

I used to think Sadio Mane was not really a cunt. I have since revised my thinking.

Unsurprised

Cunt until proven otherwise.

Fronkenshteen

Wrap a bar towel around your knuckles before you call him that.

King Hippo

I have ML bets on Los Gigantes and #ThePauls. Go FITBAW!!!

/also, it feels really gross to root for Chelski…but TOTES necessary

//clinging to life money-league side is starting THREE Bills (Brokeback QB, Bleeding Kansas, and Old Man Gore), fucking kill me already

Unsurprised

Living dangerously, eh?

ballsofsteelandfury

Don’t forget to give me your Pornhub search terms for next week!

herodotus450

“mural painter surprise from behind” popped into my head for some reason

Unsurprised

There’s a video of Nessa Devil fucking a painter or wallpaper guy or whatever (some excuse for a bucket of lube to be sitting in the room).

Er, I mean, yeah. That’s crazy.

Unsurprised

Diego Rivera when John Rockefeller sees his completed work at Rockefeller Center

Dunstan

“Cowboys ream Dolphins”

Spur

my picks

Raiders +9
Bills -7
Fuck Da Eagles -5.5

Dunstan

Hey, it’s Sunday, that means NFL action — that’s good!
But I’m a Dolphins fan. That’s bad!
But I can just avoid that game and comment here — that’s good! (For me, not the rest of you.)
Except that I’ve got to get some house cleaning done — that’s bad! (Ditto)
But I’m going to make yeah right’s red beans and rice — that’s good!
But the andouille sausage contains sodium erythorbate. That’s….bad?

bk109

But we’ll probably make fun of every single incident of the Dolphins game?
But (unfortunately) you seem destined to not just lose, but to lose to the goddamn Cowboys…

ballsofsteelandfury

Two words: naked housekeeper

Unsurprised

Prepare for pegging

Spur

Morning Folks

Darkside of the Ring is on Vice. It’s good viewing til kickoff

bk109

After Porky Prime’s post, I decided to peruse AB’s twitter timeline and I found it oddly calming and relaxing. Probably, because he’s burning every bridge to us in the process, which should nip the “we only cut him until the heat dies down” theory…

Spur

Even the Hot Takes have been lacking. NFL put out the word “AB is dead, do not speak with him”.

bk109

Well, it sure was helped when he did basically set his last shot at a good payday on fire by firing up the pneumatic texting machine and being a fucktard…

Viva La Tabula Raza

So they’re saying if the Pats defense doesn’t allow a TD, it will be the first time since the 1937 Bears that a team has gone three games without letting a TD be scored against them. The question I have is if the Jets D gets a pick 6 or scores a TD in some other fashion, does the record stand? I mean, it’s not the Patriots D that got scored on.

bk109

It’s right there in the text, lol – it’d be the first team after the 37 Bears, not the ’37 Bears Defence… Honestly, at this point I’m more concerned about potential biological warfare from the Jets than their actual playcalling 😀

Redshirt

Why College Football Sucks Part 47:

– UCF loses first regular season game in nearly three years on a trick play: “See! That’s why they don’t belong in the College Football Playoff!”

– ND loses in a close game: https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/notre-dame-proves-it-can-play-with-the-sec-and-the-best-college-football-has-to-offer/

Spur

you see UCF doesn’t make the NCAA million of dollars nor complain that much about the NCAA shakedown

Unsurprised

The kids playing for UCF are older than its program has been in D-1. In the grand scheme their going along strategy seems to be working well enough.

Fronkenshteen

FOOKIN’ SCREAMER!!!!!

yeah right

Hammer time?

Fronkenshteen

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I guess I falsely remember her breasts being larger. Oh wait, thinking about Sally Struthers.

Porky Prime

AB

@AB84
Kraft got caught in the parlor AB speculations fired different strokes different folks clearly

AB

@AB84
4 games for Big Ben crazy world I’m done with it

*Shots fired!*

Redshirt

The evil man is putting me in a position to defend Robert Kraft. Make him stop.

Fronkenshteen

He’s salting the earth behind him.

Fronkenshteen

80th minute. SET BUTTOCKS TO “SQUEAKY”!!

Unsurprised

Pornhub search term?

ballsofsteelandfury

Squeaky buttocks?

Porky Prime

Poor guy. That sucks.

Redshirt

Somebody at Cracked’s website may have accidently stumbled upon the next smash hit and a lot of money.

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Sharkbait

Cracked is still a thing?

ArmedandHammered

I would watch that just to see how he gets out of the bigamy charges.

Unsurprised

Force majeure

ArmedandHammered

I also want to know how he punched above his weight not once, but twice.

Redshirt

Agreed. I still enjoy the trope where you give the unbelievably hot woman a pair of glasses and that’s supposed to make her average looking.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Like, America Ferrera/Ugly Betty, right?

Unsurprised

Endgame was such garbage

yeah right

You are indeed right, Scotchy.

Unsurprised

This would be a great quote to have on glass

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m watching the first round of the Battlebots final tournament and I have to encourage folks to check it out – it’s been GREAT so far.

Fronkenshteen

WEST HAM FUCKING WOOOOO!!!

bk109

West Ham Fucking BOOOOOOOO… Do they not care that my missus gets REALLY shouty when ManUre lose?! DO THEY NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT MIGRAINE-GRADE HEADACHE THAT SHOUTING GIVES ME?! … Ah, West Ham don’ care… Eh… Fair enough

Fronkenshteen

Fear not! The bed shall be shat!

Redshirt

– Bengals Battle Cry

Fronkenshteen

I want the Tomasulas to pound the Steelers into fucking cat food today.

bk109

And I want to see the lolfins win (even if it’ll dump me outta two survivor pools), just to see what way will Jerry Jones execute the Clapper at the end of the game 😀

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

And I want to see Tinkerbell pegging a leprechaun, but what are you gonna do, amirite?

Redshirt

That’s oddly specific for a Pornhub search phrase, but I’m certain Balls will have some fun with that.

ballsofsteelandfury

On it!

Unsurprised

Rule 34

Fronkenshteen

Morning gents!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Scotland is right on par with Ireland in terms of quality…

[loses 27-3 to Ireland] – Scotland

Man, whoever wrote the rugby preview clearly didn’t do their homework.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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herodotus450

Washington St. quarteredback had NINE touchdown passes last night.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Damn. Who was their opponent, the Dolphins?

herodotus450

The pride of LA, Chip Kelly’s Bruins. Their qb threw 5 and ran for 2.

Fronkenshteen

Christ. Did any drive NOT end in a TD?

Unsurprised

And they still lost

King Hippo

oh shit, I ain’t even check the score after going to bed at halftime

King Hippo

told y’all the beautiful pirate man that is Mike Leach was gonna show NO MERCY

bk109

Afternoon Gents, how are ya this fine-ish day? Also gotta love the Escape To Victory reference… heh… The Christmas Holidays really are approaching XD
(For some reason that movie is a staple of pre X-mas movies, same as Die Hard)

As for the lolfins game today – do we get to cancel the Cowboys if they manage the impossible and lose to Miami, OR we just get to ritually burn the ClapperTron9000 at the 50?

Unsurprised

Survival of the fittest

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