Your “Look Who Came Crawling Back!” Thursday Night Football

Yeah, Melvin Gordon is back in the cranky, hardline bosom of the Spanos family. It’s about time a rich white cabal won a showdown against a lone black dude. I feel as though the universe has come back into balance. To no one’s surprise, Rikki’s Austin Ekeler shares are tanking.

Going over the numbers, this doesn’t look like a bananacakes game but maybe we could have a bananabread tilt? The kind of bananabread that is just a little bit warm, warm enough that the generous pat of (unsalted) butter melts gently over the surface. The kind that has that crust that is a bit crunchy-not burned but has sat in the oven just a minute or two longer than the recipe suggests. Where was I?… Oh, right. TO THE GAME!

Eagles/Pack:

Fantasy dudes are whining that qb Rodgers is a dud so far but it should be noted that he’s played 3 of the top 5 D’s from last year. Wagerers are taking note that Rodgers is a minor god-like 62-10 at home over the course of his career. He should get well vs. a Philly team that has not recorded a single sack from a defensive end so far this year. “But at least their secondary is keeping things tight”, is a line that no one who follows the club closely has said this year. It’s remarkably easy to pass on this unit. Like, 300 yards plus per game easy.

Maybe the Eagles offense might come to the rescue tonight? Geez, I guess it could happen. However DJax is out, Goedart has a calf issue, Arcega-Whiteside has a heel thing and Alshon is also calving. Ertz should get all the balls he wants and more this evening.

As the Mennonites like to say, “Make hay folks!”.

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litre_cola

Dakota Jesus just hasn’t learned yet to not put your head down and initiate contact. He will be decapitated by week 7.

rockingdog

LOL

Spur

he’s the new Luck.

King Hippo

without the HODOR! charm

Spur

Anus?

Spur

or Amos . Buck is saying Amos

Gratliff

I want the Eagles to win, but I’m also facing a Wentz-Ertz combo. Definitely gonna get murdered in both fantasy and the actual game.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I did like Magary’s take on this game in his Jamboroo thingy this afternoon.

“I’ve already tapped out on the new TNF promos featuring a pupu platter of casting call leftovers dressed as fans shit-talking one another via the fourth wall. None of the fans in these spots are drunk or violent. They don’t curse. Also, their clothes are immaculate. You think I’m gonna believe that’s a REAL Eagles fan on my TV saying, “We drive a Mercedes WENTZ, baybee”? I don’t think so.”

I’ve hated these ads since they started showing up on my TV.

Redshirt

Alternate twist #1 to State Farm commercials: Aaron Rodgers’ State Farm agent stays with him because he’s sorry for him because has no friends.

Alternate twist #2 to State Farm commercials: Aaron Rodgers has kidnapped his State Farm agent and everyone is missing his subtle cues for help.

Viva La Tabula Raza

That State Farm Agent in scenario #2 needs to learn Morse Code and send out “HELP ME” or “SOS” in said code through eye blinks.

entropy

If those commercials dont end with the sprts agent murdering everyone in frustrated rage, I’ll be disappointed

rockingdog

found a funny:comment image

King Hippo

pretty gruesome, but could have been worse – I could be against Aaron Jones in fantasy. WHEW

Gatoraids

Yeah someone tried the troll trade with me to get Jones for Ekelar as I didn’t follow the news

entropy

As if having Baker Mayfield pretend to mow the field himself wasn’t stupid enough, he’s incapable of going with the established pattern.

Sharkbait

Can I have at least 1 MVSdown?

herodotus450

Meanwhile in the more civilized sport of hockey–oh they’re showing a clip from a football movie.
/His real name was Gipp?

Sharkbait

He lead with his fucking head!

Gratliff

Yup. That’s what you do when a team knows it just fucked up on a late hit. Push it down the field.

herodotus450

Gruesome injuries in sprots are like school shootings: “oh no what a terrible thing how could we let this happen–oh it’s over OK GET BACK OUT THERE AND HIT THEM SO HARD THEIR CHILDREN BECOME ORPHANS!”

litre_cola

Don’t orphans get put in cages nowadays?

herodotus450

Fucking mooching orphans.

King Hippo

ah meen, we GIVE them kibble and water, somehow Murrika is the bad guy??

King Hippo

only teh brown ones don’t be so sensitive smgdh

Redshirt

Only if they cross a river to escape gang-ruled kleptocracies.

LemonJello

“That would have made it so much easier to move the attractive pre-teen females to my rape island.”
-J. Epstein, between rounds of being raped by demons

Viva La Tabula Raza

They aren’t orphans when they or their parents are incarcerated, but their chances of becoming orphans have just increased exponentially.

litre_cola

THis drive will be surgical. Like Aaron dissecting his family tree.

entropy

If by surgical you mean gross dissection, sure.

Viva La Tabula Raza

if by surgical you mean Leatherface Chainsaw attack, absolutely.

entropy

“Hey man…. you KNOW I fucked you up, right? Enjoy the ride.”

Redshirt

HOW THE FUCK WAS THAT NOT EGREGIOUS?! IT MAKES BURFICT’S HIT ON ANTONIO BROWN LOOKS LIKE HE HIT HIM WITH A FEATHER!!!!

entropy

“Wanna eject him?”

“Nah, give him one more chance to paralyze somebody.”

Sharkbait

So, he should be tossed right?

Gratliff

I don’t know how that’s not an ejection. That was some vile shit.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So the black guy looking to buy the dining room table off Amazon, I can’t figure out who the other black guy is. Are they the same guy and we are seeing his id pull the table cloth, or is it some imaginary boyfriend.?
As I get older, I’m starting to understand the confusion my father has exhibited over the last 20 years or so.

Mr. Ayo

Uh, it’s the id thing. There’s a whole series of them that do the same thing.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I guess I need to finally face my mortality, make the appointment with the ophthalmologist, and get me some fucking glasses.

Col. Duke LaCross

Williams ded.

Gratliff

See you in week 12, Derek

entropy

He’s having a less than stellar evening….

FUCK YOU JOE BUCK

entropy

“Thankfully he is able to move, now here are three more views of the hit so hit family can worry as we cut to commercial AND COME BACK WITH ANOTHER HELMET TO HELMT HIT”

litre_cola

I have it on mute. I just can’t do it anymore.

Viva La Tabula Raza

There’s some good music getting played on Tom Petty’s Buried Treasure radio channel 711 on the Sirius XM app. I may move over there soon if Joe and Troy get too insufferable.

litre_cola

He is broken

Gratliff

Fuck. This is bad bad bad.

Gratliff

Fucking knew that was coming

entropy

Evening, kids.

litre_cola

MY WIFE WON THE WORLD CUP YOU BETTER FUCKING RECOGNIZE!!!

Spur

I’ve never seen Ertz get mad

Gratliff

This is going to be a very stupid game

Spur

Ran into that ass

Viva La Tabula Raza

I don’t think Mark Sanchez is playing tonight. Or is he the backup QB on one of these teams?

Viva La Tabula Raza

The die is cast: beer margs mixologisted, bowl full (I’ve decided to forgo the gummy). There was a lonely looking two ounces of tequila left in the bottle that got added to the recipe-called-for 12 ounces already in the pitcher, so things might get blurry earlier than anticipated.

Spur

Democrats are clueless when it comes to messaging.

“The President is committing crimes and using executive privilege to hide his crimes. ”

WHY cant these numb nuts yell this out non-stop?

Viva La Tabula Raza

*Republicans shrug shoulder*
“The black guy was even worse.”

entropy

“The black guy was black.”

Fixed that for you.

Redshirt

“The President follows people on Twitter more that he follows the law.”?

Redshirt

Know your audience. The target audience was stupid enough to fall for Trump’s bullshit.

Gratliff

I have no idea what to expect here. A blowout in either direction would make perfect sense.

Sharkbait

If I didn’t get enough of foreign commentary at 630 this morning, I just chose UK commentators for this game.

litre_cola

Blimey, the eggball hath passed the cocaine line in front of Mr. Irvin!

Spur

Let’s go with 80 TD passes tonight by Captain Prissy Pants and then in the 4th an Eagle clubs him in the head with a block of hardened cheese.

Viva La Tabula Raza

As neither a fan or hater of either of these teams, I could live with this scenario.

King Hippo

scotchy – I am testing your always start TE facing Los Gigantes hypothesis with Vernon Fucking Davis this week.

herodotus450

Vernon Davis? Hippo you missed the exit for your time machine about 10 years ago.

LemonJello

If I had real money, I’d spend a lot of it to get Micheal Irvin to shut the fuck up.

Viva La Tabula Raza

For what it’s worth, there are Second Amendment measures that can be taken if need be, and the current cultural climate in this country seems to lean towards being tolerant of shooting black people.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THIS FUCKING COUNTRY?!?!

Spur

Folks.

litre_cola

Evening internet folks. How the hell are you all doing?

Sharkbait

Enjoying a tasty beverage waiting for this football “game”

King Hippo

I napped for this.

Spur

Praying for the sweet release of death.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Just sitting here pondering how long it’s going to take for the Short Attention Span Theater in which we live to move on from this Ukraine foo fa raw and return to the status quo of the current administration wiping it’s ass with the Constitution.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So I got my new mounting brackets for the alternator and power steering pump on the Impala. I had planned all day to spend the evening hanging those pieces of equipment. But I had a fucking tough day at the office and finished it up at the dentist for some emergency filling repair, $360 thanks very fucking much. So I’ve decided to take leave tomorrow, and mix up a pitcher of beer margarita for the ball game, and hang out with y’all tonight instead of turning wrenches and rolling around under the car. Think I’ll probably have one of those gummies I brought back from Mass too, so if I get more incomprehensible than normal later this evening, you know why.

ArmedandHammered

Careful of the gummy around the dental work.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Duly noted. I’m usually one of those “melt in your mouth” guys, so I should be okay. Did I say melt in your mouth guys? Need to work on my phrasing.

LemonJello

Indeed.
comment image

Col. Duke LaCross

Adrian Amos can fuck right off.

Sharkbait

I saw this monstrosity, so you need to as well:

https://twitter.com/NFLonFOX/status/1177364142669189120

Redshirt

When you stare into the abyss…

Sharkbait

The Philly Phanatic has seen some shit.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I have a W tattooed on each cheek of my ass. When I bend over, it says WOW. When I stand on my head, it says MOM. But I only stand on my head on her birthday and Mother’s Day.

JustStopDude

Is Terry Bradshaw trying to look like a drunk, our of work Hulk Hogan?

Redshirt

The words “drunk, our of work” are unnecessary when describing Hulk Hogan.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Why do the sports pregame and postgame shows insist on hosting the show in front of a bunch of hollering drunken assholes? Of course it’s worse in postgame because 3.5 hours of extra alcohol consumption. I don’t want to see or hear those stupid motherfuckers.

ArmedandHammered

Hey! That is their favorite demographic, drunk and stupid enough to buy anything they advertise.

Viva La Tabula Raza

*looks in mirror*

Fuck, you’re right!!

ArmedandHammered

Nah, you are self aware, those idiots think each and every one of them is a lord of creation.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, at least I’ve got that going for me.

Redshirt

Dirt Bengals invited everyone on the field for an on-field tribute to now-retired Marty Brennaman. It was actually a nice experience being on the field, touching the outfield wall, warning track dirty and grass, and watching fathers and sons play catch on the field. If it wasn’t for the fact that some were pulling up several patches of turf, I’d recommend all teams doing it at the end of a season as a thank you to the fans.

Sharkbait

We’re liveblogging Ice Giants-Ice Eagles right?

herodotus450

Trying to watch Blues-Red Wings but nobody has put Pierre’s gag in yet.

herodotus450

What do trump and [every fanbase of every sport] have in common? They both hate whistleblowers.

ballsofsteelandfury

How many points per dead hobo?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Dude should be in charge of the FDA. But a glaring omission is peyote; first time I harvested some of that down by Hebbronville in Jim Hogg county and gobbled some down, I tripped balls for 18 hours and flew to Saturn. 100 points.

LemonJello

How many points if you fly around Uranus?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Kirk Cousins is probably more qualified to answer that than me.

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