Your “I’m Just Here For The Dolphin Slaughter” NFL Football Open Thread

Perusing team stats it’s remarkable how playing the Fins skews pretty much everything from ‘good’ to ‘wowzers!’. Average rushing yards, sacks, pressures, passes defended-it just goes on and on. You’d think that players on teams that have Miami on their sked towards the end of the season might have to pay out a part of their individual bonuses to the Fins, especially dudes on the Pats, Bills and Jets.

TO THE GAMES!

Titans/Falcons:

Good news for Matt, Julio and Calvin-the Tennessee secondary is giving up passes to outside receivers at a 75% clip. Yeah, that’s right, three of every four passes is successful.

Pats/Bills:

Dare we dream the dream? I’ve got faith that Josh can escape pressure from the ends with those wheels of his but that Pats secondary of Jones, McCourty and Gilmore is a crack unit. Not helping matters is that Bills wr’s have eight dropped passes already-good for third in the league. I think the Buffalo front seven can hold up their end of the bargain and force Brady to quicken his throws and he might not get much help from Edelman, who has some chest/ribs thing going on.

Chiefs/Lions:

Do you have T.J. Hockenson Buyers Remorse? It’s a real condition that might just be cured by playing from behind the entire game to K.C. Catching just one pass for more than eight yards will shatter his previous two week’s combined output.

Raiders/Colts:

A player prop to consider? How about Brissett throwing for less/more than 221.5. He tossed more than 300 last week but is a very tentative guy usually and has no T.Y. this week. What to do, what to do…

Chargers/Fins:

All (most) of L.A.’s skill guys are off today-wr Williams, rb Jackson, te’s Henry and Green among them. Is your fantasy team all banged up like mine and you’re looking for a spot starter at the flex? You could do worse than Dontrelle Inman.

Potato Skins/Giants:

These guys should be able to score at will on each other, just not on the ground. I’m throwing rook wr McLaurin in there today because Janoris Jenkins is giving up a 140 QB rating to the guy he covers.

Browns/Ravens:

When does Baker, Baker The Touchdown Maker come out of hiding? Betcha Jarvis Landry is re-thinking his open-arms approach to OBJ joining the team. He’s averaging less than 60 yards receiving per game.

Panthers/Texans:

The Carolina D is allowing a paltry 189 yards through the air so far this year. Deshaun should murderkill that number this week.

Do your blurst!

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
433 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[looks more closesly at These Raiders]

Wait, now I’m not so sure.

Doktor Zymm

comment image

King Hippo

KITTTTTTYYYYYY!!!!!

Doktor Zymm

RAWR!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I don’t think I’ve seen NE offense play this shitty since SB LII.

Doktor Zymm

Josh Allen simulator:comment image?itemid=5632112

Gatoraids

Intentional grounding buffalo just lucky refs didn’t call roughing

Brick Meathook

It’s 9 PM but I finally found a “telly” with an NFL game on it. I think this is a palace or something.

comment image

Doktor Zymm

Is that Grosvenor?

Brick Meathook

Empire Casino at Leicester Square

Mr. Ayo

Andy Reid wants that bad Brisket if you’re done with it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

CAN SOMEONE COME AND SEE IF THESE ARE THEIR RAIDERS BECAUSE I AM PRETTY SURE THESE ARE NOT MY RAIDERS.

Doktor Zymm

comment image?w=640

bk109

But if the Raiders win, then how will Gruden push his Carr off a cliff and set forth the age of the Peterman!

Spur

Raiders pull it off. Nice

Viva La Tabula Raza

Wow, Browns are pounding the shit out of Baltimore.

bk109

Ah, so the assholes on telly ARE Fouts and Eagle… that ‘splains a lot

Spur

Browns rubbing it in

Gratliff

JJ Watt ran at him like a cartoon strongman trying to grab Donald Duck

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[rummages through Lost and Found, pulls out a set of Raiders]

Are These My Raiders?

Gratliff

Holy shit, a Panther did a good

Doktor Zymm

A pretty weird looking and fraught good, but a good!

Doktor Zymm

JJ Watt is way less annoying when I never see or hear anything from him

Spur

comment image

King Hippo

Bet Grumblelord gives the game ball to the guy who head shot-ed Brokeback

Doktor Zymm

And pays his fine

bk109

It was a completely safe and sound fundamental play. I think first ran by King Leonidas in a pre-season game against the Persian Lions…

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder how often both team’s QBs have thrown a pick in the end zone in the same game.

Edit: Well never mind.

Sharkbait

Bills gonna Bills.

Col. Duke LaCross

Yes Fouts, because you want to be further away from the end zone against a top five defense.

Gratliff

o bills part deux

Doktor Zymm

Another advantage of becoming a Bills fan, I already hate the Pats so I’ve got a running start on division rivalries!

bk109

Plus if you spread wide enough, you can sneak a billdo into the stands 😀

Doktor Zymm

I was gonna sneak booze in with one of these https://thebeerbelly.com

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Howdy. I’ve missed all the things. What’s going on?

Mr. Ayo

Brady sucks now and the Bills are going to win.

Viva La Tabula Raza

He is? Well, ain’t that peculiar!?!

Gatoraids

Bills going to have a honey moon at halftime next week

Spur

Buffalo medical staff asking Josh Allen to name 2 of the 4 Horsemen

Gratliff

“Arn and Tully”

Spur

Josh Allen” Animal and Hawk”

Bills staff “close enough”

King Hippo

Trent Green!

Doktor Zymm

“THIS WAS NOT THE PLAY DESIGN!!”
No shit, no teams in the NFL have anything that fun in their books

Gratliff

Kelce is very good at being a goofy TE

Mr. Ayo

That was incredible.

Doktor Zymm

What’s the concussion protocol for QBs? “Am I holding up fingers?”

bk109

“Would you let Cap’n FatFuck escort your sister back home” ?

Gatoraids

Escorts who can afford em — Mr Kraft

bk109

Harf-harf?! – Cap’n FatFuck (LEADER OF MEN!) on the concept of paying/asking for sex

Doktor Zymm

Andy Reid just holds up chicken fingers, and the answer is always no because he’s eaten them

herodotus450

In Buffalo it’s obviously “how many dildos do you seen on the field?”

Doktor Zymm

-“Yes”
-“He’s good, send him in!”

Gratliff

Rodney Harrison’s heart grows three sizes

Sharkbait

Josh Allen is gonna get cleared because NFL

Gratliff

An extremely Belichik-era Patriots hit

King Hippo

trade the yards for the backup QB, this checks out

Mr. Ayo

Holy shit. What a hit.

Doktor Zymm

Oh shit

bk109

And back… So, we killed Josh Allen? Wow, I didn’t realise we resigned Hernandez

Gratliff

Allen ded

King Hippo

Brokeback DED

Sharkbait

Allen is ded

Spur

comment image

Mr. Ayo

She’s not making contact with the ball while reaching over the net. Loss of point.

WCS

Are the Lions… good?

Doktor Zymm

ish?

King Hippo

Fuck Liouns still gon’ fuck up

LemonJello

Will Snyder fire Gruden the Lesser and just give him a bus ticket to Raiderland as severance?

Doktor Zymm

He would stick him on a junket bus and give him a $20 stack of chips for whatever shitty casino he owns a part interest in

Gatoraids

Raiders QB coach really sweating it this week

Doktor Zymm

I’m thinking of switching to being a Bills fan. It’s been a couple years since I’ve been able to muster any enthusiasm for the Fightin’ Snyders, the Raiders will no longer be my where-I-live team next year, Niners corporate crowd annoys me, and I was born in Rochester so I legit have a Western NY connection. Plus they seem like a fun crowd and I could spend time developing my theory that Zubaz are basically just modern Hammer pants.

Sharkbait

Hows your back? Can it handle a folding table?

Doktor Zymm

It’s good, I’ve never had any lower back problems, and my upper-back/shoulder muscles can absorb a fall from a horse, so table is probably fine. I think I pass on that score

King Hippo

Gentlemen, I present BY FAR the healthiest Commentist

Mr. Ayo

If you’re not turned off by carrying Josh Allen’s water, sure. That could be fun.

Gratliff

Did Deandre Hopkins get hurt?

Doktor Zymm

Is he still playing for Dallas Jr?

Gratliff

Oh no. I guess Jackson’s just gonna have to throw it to Mandrews over and over now

Gatoraids

Chargers taking the spread as seriously as Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct

Mr. Ayo

Did Andy Reid consult for them this week?

Spur

comment image

Horatio Cornblower

First picture I’ve seen of her since I found that milk carton on the side of the road.

Spur

Why are the Ravens wearing color rush?