Your “Perfectly Adequate, Nothing More” NFL Football Open Thread

None of these tilts strike me as that compelling but what do I know? I was dead wrong about the Thursday Nighter. AND AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I’LL BE WRONG AGAIN! I’m not usually that confident in my abilities but being wrong is the exception. You see, the law of averages catches up with everyone and I’ve made peace with that. The key is to surround yourself with good folks, trash the rest, and that way you limit the amount of bad decisions you make. Ta da! It really is that easy.

TO THE GAMES!

Bucs/Rams:

If you’ve got depth at the rb position you may want to fade Gurley here. I know-preposterous! But it’s apparently a thing that his usage is being monitored and the Tampa run D is legit and second only to the Pats. (because Fins and Jets)

Seahawks/Cards:

Two very bad secondaries walk into a bar… And I thought the Gmen couldn’t cover the tight end-get a load of these numbers. Arizonny has given up 131 yds, 1 TD to Hockenson, 112 and 1 TD to Andrews and 75 and 2TDs to Olsen. You will play Dissly if you can and you will play him hard!

Vikes/Bears:

“What the raging fuckballs is this start time?”, I imagine Papa Bear Halas screaming from the grave. I also imagine Vince Lombardi shouting, “Keep it down over there. I was just dreaming about beating the wife again and you interrupted!”. Those guys just do not get along. smgdh…

Jags/Broncs:

I’ve run the numbers on this one and it comes up snake eyes. Unless you’ve got some ‘stache kink going for you, there’s nothing to see here.

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Doktor Zymm

The last time the Bears shut out a team, Urlacher still didn’t have hair

King Hippo

Baby Buster about to have the worst 500-yard game in history

Horatio Cornblower

Matt Ryan threw for nearly 400 yards and the Falcons put up 10 points.

This is what you get for 28-3 you fuckers.

Brocky

Did rice have more receptions with the 49ers than Fitzgerald has had with the cardinals?

Doktor Zymm

Jerry Rice was on NPR the other day and it was awesome

Doktor Zymm

LOL at Daycare Swindlers being too pop for the DC scene. Goddamn we were pretentious ass grungy pricks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66dzbVjFQFA

Horatio Cornblower

“I can understand the lyrics so fuck these posers”

Doktor Zymm

Nah we were okay with having lyrics, growly is Ballitchmore territory, although I fucking love these dudes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vm1xYca3Ug

Doktor Zymm

Spitfires were the dudes, they played like 3 shows a week. Even if they were fake British and Will dropped out and you actually couldn’t understand the lyrics on their live album cause he was drunk as ruck when most of the audience was straight edge, hah. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnB-DtqTW5I

hippofant

What the Bucc?

Gratliff

No one will ever break that record

Horatio Cornblower

Certainly not these days. Why would you ever run the ball that much when you can just fling it 45 yards downfield and be 50-50 on a PI call?

Horatio Cornblower

The NFL celebrating Dave Duerson as one of its ‘Man of the Year’ award recipients seems ironic at best.

Sharkbait

There’s more Cousins fucking in this game than there is on Porn Hub

Mr. Ayo

3 yard check down on 3rd and long? You know it!

Brocky

I don’t hear of many “cousin” videos. I thought it was pretty much all step moms and step sisters

Gratliff

At some point, think the O-line is okay with him getting murdered

herodotus450

If you want to make a proper Moscow Mule, you really need to get a Cooper Kupp.

Doktor Zymm
King Hippo

hooray it wasn’t Carson!!

King Hippo

dunno who is shitting themselves MOAR, Donks or Qards

Mr. Ayo

Only one of them was ahead at some point.

King Hippo

touche!

Horatio Cornblower

I started the Jacksonville D today, so I’m sure the Donks will be coming back right quick

Horatio Cornblower

There isn’t a Domino’s franchise in the world that gives a shit if they fucked up your order.

Gratliff

Is there a difference between a good domino’s order and a bad one?

Horatio Cornblower

Depends on how high you are.

Mr. Ayo

Agreed. It will still taste like shit.

Gratliff

Kirk Cousins isn’t even a good game manager. should’ve kept keenum.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

That thought has been crawling into my head since the Green Bay debacle. Keenum may not be a great QB but he had way more chemistry with the team than Cousins ever will.

King Hippo

plus he like, will work FOAR food

$72M fully guaranteed for this shitdickery

King Hippo

no wait, $84M

Doktor Zymm

That’s what happens picking up a Redacteds QB. It’s the one position where people are ruined rather than shamed into playing better. Even if you aren’t physically ruined like most, still, ruined ruined ruined

King Hippo

why would Minny not try a Hail Mary at least?

Brocky

…..because Minnesota?

Horatio Cornblower

Damned secularists, every one of ’em

Doktor Zymm

More than Four Net yards

Brocky

It doesn’t look like floyd had that fumble to me

Gratliff

Woooooooo big Fourny yards

King Hippo

oh noes Donks

LemonJello

THIS BEARS DEFENSE I CALL AN ALABAMA FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING COUSINS AND NO ONE IS TRYING TO STOP THEM!

Doktor Zymm

JUST RENAME THEM THE HAPSBURGS ALREADY

Horatio Cornblower

+1 hemophiliac

Brocky

BANNER!

Doktor Zymm

Fuck the FCC too

Doktor Zymm

Fun Fact: The expression ‘clapback’ comes from a Ja Rule song and actually means literally returning fire
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zb117j9KIcM

Doktor Zymm

I still use Winamp

Sharkbait

Does it still whip the llama’s ass?

Doktor Zymm

yes

King Hippo

mega-GAY field goal

Doktor Zymm

It’s quite sad that Doug Marrone is not as good ascomment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wonder how Radiohead feels about their music (“Everything in its Right Place”) being used as the intro for this episode of Love Island.

LemonJello

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Sharkbait

I still hate STP shilling for Ram trucks

LemonJello

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Doktor Zymm

I would support a team that randomly stuck their QB/backup QB in special teams formations just to fuck with the other team and make them suspect everything is a fake

Sharkbait

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Doktor Zymm

Considering that Kirk is another word for Church, Christian Kirk is a singular noun

Horatio Cornblower

Only is Scotland.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Fuck Kirk Cousins

Gratliff

Cirk Kousins

Doktor Zymm

Christian Kirk objects

King Hippo

u mean Kirk Cameron??

Doktor Zymm

The kinda neat thing about thinking of Florida as America’s wang, that means that Alabama and Georgia are America’s testicles

ArmedandHammered

The heat and moisture should’ve been the first clue.

Doktor Zymm

America has chronic swampass

Mr. Ayo

So Jacksonville is the taint?

This checks out!

Sharkbait

Drinking Tanqueray Rangpour gin straight. I dont hate it.

herodotus450

Pitt. The. Elder.

Doktor Zymm

Tanq 10 is shit, but I think they did an okay with the Rangpour

Sharkbait

Hard to get the rangpour flavor though

Doktor Zymm

That’s why I’m going with okay rather than good. Considering the crazy shit they’ve accomplished with flavored vodkas, they should be able to do better here, but also respect they didn’t fuck it up

Doktor Zymm

I think the US government would take more action on climate change if we framed it as ‘shrinking America’s wang’ aka flooding Florida

Sharkbait

That means the crazy starts moving north

Gatoraids

Can’t get your Peninsula as big as it used to be…try less carbon

herodotus450

“Climate change is a direct affront to Manifest Destiny”
-Some candidate, soon

King Hippo

your National League Central champion St. Louis Cardinals!!

Mr. Ayo

On the bright side, the rest of us get to watch them lose in the playoffs.

I meant, we get to watch them lose THE RIGHT WAY.

Brocky

Elite ception!

Gratliff

Ah there’s the bad Flacco that reminds me why I started Carr.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The worst part about this cold I’m coming down with is that I got it because I drank too much and Kavanaughed out on the couch uncovered on a chilly night, and if I acknowledge to the Dr. Mrs. that this is why I’m feeling ill she will suggest that I not do that anymore.

Brocky

Kavanaughed

You’re gonna get a position that every single person in the country knows you don’t deserve? I’d stop complaining

Doktor Zymm

I don’t think that verb means what you think it should mean. There are way more awesome and harmless alkies you can verb to just mean passing out

herodotus450

Yeah like Cosby’d, or Sharper’d

Doktor Zymm

Congrats to Mr. Miller on his century

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think I am coming down with a cold. I hate the way a sunny day seems 160% brighter when I am in this condition.

Sharkbait

Drink more. Alcohol kills germs

Sharkbait

Mrs. Sharkbait is looking at Giants onesies online. I’ve threatened to call child services.

Doktor Zymm

Sounds like a choke hazard to me

Brocky

That reminds me, gotta get a bears one of those for a friend.

They’re expecting their first child in December. Its a girl, and they’re both chicago fans, but I couldn’t live with myself if she ends up being a packers fan

Gratliff

Philly Special QB sighting!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m looking at the results from the early slate of games, and I have to complain that none of these scores are funny enough. The 3-0 Bills lose to another good team in a close game? Same for the Lions? The Dolphins lose by only 20 points? None of this makes me laugh.

Stupid NFL. Be more funny!
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LemonJello

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King Hippo

#BFIB, 3 outs away!

Doktor Zymm

I really wish there was a NFL player named Dennis Moore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=huD6IDqEEPI

Brick Meathook

TV commercials in the UK are even stupider than in the US, which I didn’t think was possible.

Brocky

As if I needed more reason to like him

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