2019 Quotables – Week 5 (Submissions)

Greetings glorious Commentists. This is your Low Commander of the Super Soldiers filling in for the usual GIF miner, Blax, who I can only assume is off digging shallow graves somewhere off the I-15, only to continually find pre-existing more shallow graves. I assure you those are not covered by the health plan.

I went to see Joker this weekend with Papa Commander, as he needed to get out of the house for a good while. Before taking our seats, we visited an excellent Ale House where we split a flight and watched the first half of the Packers-Cowboys game. It’s the only NFL football I’ve seen since week 1 and while not much of a game, I was more than delighted to see not a single TV in the entire establishment showing the Heretics.

As for the show, I feel like I’ve been at odds with slow building movies lately. I love slow building character drama shows, but it seems the trend for movies lately has been an hour of that before anything remotely interesting happens in Midsommer and then ends up not being nearly culty enough and I am happy to say that the payoff here was actually worth it this time. It’s not a super hero movie, but I certainly expect super hero results from you all this week. TO THE GIFS:

“Falling on your butt gave me a boner…”
I didn’t realize James Harden also played for the Saints
Still not as safe as everyone said.
“Your strong arms on my hips gave me a boner…”
“I left Monday Night Football because I couldn’t give any White power signs in the booth.”
I knew a kid in high school named Aaron Jones. He had a rolly backpack and a bowl cut, and it sounds like he went on to own the Raiders.
Now that’s a duck that gave Chip Kelly a boner.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.
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Horatio CornblowerUnsurprisedDownfield Matriculatornomonkeyfunblaxabbath Recent comment authors
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Horatio Cornblower

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“Theballhascootiesandifyoucatchityou’regayIcalledit!!!”

Horatio Cornblower

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Still more articulate than anything he coughed up in the MNF booth

Horatio Cornblower

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In retrospect, audibling to ‘Lindisfarne’ was a bad idea against the Vikings.

Horatio Cornblower

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“And here we see the worst thing Jameis Winston has ever do…Hold on, I’m getting something in my earpiece…”

blaxabbath

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“You call that a taunt?!”

– T. Owens

blaxabbath

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“No wonder these wine gloves were thrown in for free with Charlotte Jones Anderson’s WineBra purchase.”

blaxabbath

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“Okay so we got a second down and twelve coming up for the Giants here…”

– Mike Carey

blaxabbath

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“Oh I’m sorry, you have a better method for getting down the food here in London?”

– R. Incognito

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

That only works for spotted dick

blaxabbath

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“These guys play defensive back for a reason.”

– Every single play by play guy

blaxabbath

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“You see, here, we didn’t let that handoff take long enough to develop….”

-P. Shurmur

nomonkeyfun

Next time we’ll run a draw play.

blaxabbath

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“Wait – it’s not as fun being the party forced to the ground, helpless to fight back against a stronger darker attacker.”

blaxabbath

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Soda Popinski prepares for his rematch against Little Mac to celebrate the 30th Anniversary release of MTPO.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Vodka Drunkinski will not let this slight be ignored, like the Red Army was wrong to be ignored by the Wehrmacht

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

celebrate the 30th Anniversary release of MTPO.

/ROBIN GIVENS DUCKS.

blaxabbath

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“Enjoy some highlights of America’s Game of the Week, Sarcastaball!:

blaxabbath

This is why I always say a Wentz Trade Center Tower would still be standing today.
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nomonkeyfun

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I wasn’t expecting to see so many people at futbol game in America. [Checks earpiece.} Oh, I’m sorry this is a football game with the Chargers. Still great turn out by the home fans. [Checks earpiece again.] Oh, again I’m sorry, apparently the Chargers don’t wear orange. Christ, these Spanoi are dumbfucks. (Drums start playing ominously in the background.)

Game Time Decision

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No Richie, it’s Stop, Drop, and Roll, not Stop, drop and punch. Roll

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Clearly, I misunderstood when Mr. Jones told me ‘it’ll be just like old times’ if I came back to play. He IS fucking crazy.”

Game Time Decision

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These new smelling salts suck

Game Time Decision

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a cut seen from the live action version of the Roadrunner

LemonJello
LemonJello

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You’d think that ball was named “Child Rape” the way these Saints avoid doing anything meaningful about it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Jameis learned a lot of new moves when he trained with Ben Roethlisberger during the offseason.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Incognito later told the referee that he was just killing a mosquito that he saw on the back of the guy’s helmet.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Is that a four leaf clover? See it? RIGHT THERE!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“THESE VIKINGS I CALL THOR AND THE WARRIORS THREE BECAUSE THEY’RE KILLING THE GIANTS ON THEIR HOME TURF”

nomonkeyfun

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Its a good thing he isn’t a tackle. Could you imagine if he was next to a Tight End on every play?

nomonkeyfun

Obligatory.

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nomonkeyfun

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“Hey, at least I didn’t fumble the handoff.”

-D. Jones

nomonkeyfun

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Man, I haven’t seen a Jet miss its target like that since the last wedding held in Aghanistan.

LemonJello
LemonJello

+1 Hellfire missile

nomonkeyfun

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“See, I can’t be a homophobe if I’m a fa—”

-R. Incognito
“Richie Incognito has been ordered to attend 1 hour of sensitivity training with Tony Dungee. The primary topic will be supporting homosexuals in your life.”

-R. Goodell

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

After you find them, lift with your LEGS; not your back.

nomonkeyfun

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“Don’t you just hate it when someone forces you to the ground against your will?”

-J. Winston

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Hitler would have caught that

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not certain why, but I can’t stop laughing at that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Is that chocolate or poop? Still can’t tell.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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When you’re a Wentz you’re a Wentz all the way
From your first toss to Ertz til you’ve pounded the Jets all day

BrettFavresColonoscopy

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You know what they say, you can take the boy out of the mental institution, but if you never treat the fundamental underlying issues and keep rewarding the violent behavior at all costs then you’ll never take the racist psychopathic tendencies out of the boy.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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“Hi Mom”

theeWeeBabySeamus

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“Coulda been worse. Coulda been in your mouth” – R. Incognito

LemonJello
LemonJello

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“Do my fingers smell like crab?”

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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Talk to the hand!

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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safety!
Safety-dance!

You can run if you want to, but there will be no where to go
Because you only have the run, since we leave no where to throw

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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“Shh, shh, just relax and it will be over soon, here let me play some banjo music” – R. Incognito

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jesus

Downfield Matriculator
Downfield Matriculator

Boy, you got a real purty mouth

Enrico Pallazzo

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Are you using this head? My dad is missing his.

ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

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This is what happens when the ball is actually fired from a cannon.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

– 1 Reb head

theeWeeBabySeamus

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“Heck, I coulda done that…pass me the juicebox willya????” – E. Manning

theeWeeBabySeamus

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“I got it, I got it….never mind I don’t got it”

Game Time Decision

baseball’s unwritten rules say that the centre fielder has the call here, and obviously didn’t