Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2019 Season

Forgive me if these are even shittier than usual – I’m not in a particularly decent mood (even by Hippo standards).

Naturally, one should lead off with the Tomsulas’ 9-nil win over the Dacteds in wet, dire Landover.  Under 10 points for both sides combined, in a game with no snow drifts.  You don’t see that every decade.  Any non-Santa Clara fan attendees of this soiree should maybe be wards of the state, if not so categorized already.

Also terrible?  How about the Buffalo Bills, despite being 5-1.  They trailed much of the game, home to fuck you, dolphin.  They surrendered a first down on a fake FG inside the 5.  But Miami followed that sequence up with a sack fumble (BloodSugarFitzMagic recovered, because BUF didn’t notice the ball was out) and a pickerception.  Brokeback managed a TD and 2-point run, and that was mostly it.  Though a garbage time TD was followed by an even garbagier onside kick return TD.  31-21 is your final.  I don’t think Miami is going 0-16, they seem to care now.

Cincy also tried hard today, and really contained Minshew (the magic is gone) despite starting CBs that they picked up off the street.  But Andy Dalton…was really, really bad in Q4.  It’s hard to put into words, but maybe Redshirt will be by to try?  27-17, Jaguras.  Neither of these sides is going anywhere anytime soon.

But the worst team in the NFL might now be the Matt Schaub-led Falcons.  RRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! not only beat the shit out of them on the road (with Baby Buster remaining a turd out there), but also knocked Matty Ice from the contest in Q3.  Jalen Ramsey was indeed very good for Tubby Wade, which is no surprise.  Dan Quinn probably prays at night to be relieved from his duties.  There may or may not be a prayer candle for that.

You know the NFL hears the voice of fans, because it basically tripled down on the silly “No touching the QB!!” calls today, particularly in the early window.  I noticed it most in the Minny/Fuck Liouns fixture, but it happened quite a bit, giving and taking away at random, killing any and all game flow.  Captain Dingleberry was good again, despite killing Adam Thielen in the process.  DET basically is out of breakout chances with this 42-30 home loss.  Yes, they’ll still blow the doors off on Thanksgiving, because Fuck Liouns.

The Fat Humps held on to beat the red-hot 500s, 30-23.  Brissett was really good, Watson made a few critical boo-boos, and got hosed on a really bad “in the grasp” call that cost them 4 crucial points.  Ref Ball 4eva!  But Frank Reich is still doing yeoman’s work, despite his rather placid demeanour.  First place, despite losing at home to Rikki’s Raiders.

Is it possible that the Qardinals are pretty good?  If you were reading the Lesser Footy comments Saturday morning, you may have noted my (rare good) recommendation that y’all start Chase Edmonds, even if David Johnson was active.  Johnson had one carry, Edmonds had three rushing scores.  NO, I didn’t expect that.  Nor the solid defensive work AZ showed late (against a Saquon-wielding Gigantes squad, home in the swamps), in a 27-21 win.  3-3-1 won’t get you far in the NFC West, but it exceeds any reasonable expectations one could have had.

A.A. Ron went for 4 bills and 6 TDs (1 of them rushing), in case sportsball media otherwise keeps its praise light under its collective bushel.  The great ones always have the potential to awe one, despite lots of Ref Ball against pre-Vegas.  Josh Jacobs is the real deal, though.  Let’s all hope they don’t break him before getting a real coaching staff.  And a QB that doesn’t do dumb shit like Emo Carr’s pylon stretch touchback fumble.

Only 3 late afternoon window matchups, and my mind wandered.  I sure didn’t expect to see Tanny Fanny look competent, but one never knows with Clippers du Merde.  King Laserface seems finished to me.  It was a good, borderline HoF career, you fertile weirdo.  Parkey doinked a Q4 extra point, which no doubt triggered many Midwesterners.  But ’twas of no consequence.  23-20, Tit Men.  WAIT!  A terrible, unchallenged spot turned the ball over on downs, and Tennessee gave the game away.  27-23, Clips.  How does DonT stand this?  BUT WAIT!!!  Not one, but TWO TD calls overturned by replay, followed by a goalline FUMBRE inside 10 seconds, and it’s 23-20 Tits after all.  Bananacakes don’t even begin to describe this last 3 minutes.

Speaking of triggered…Chi**** still has fuckall on offense.  And the Saints are really playing some slobberknocker defense.  Sean Payton might be a dick, but he’s also one hell of a coach.  Between him, Shanny Jr., and Reich – some special jobs going down (and Grumblelord, of course).  It’s not easy to get the shit kicked out of you when you run a kick back for 6, but that’s The Bearistocrats!  36-25 (would have been 10 but for a garbage time pickerception dropped, which was followed by garbage TD, SUCCESSFUL onside kick, garbage TD).  Ouchie the fuck ouch.  First – and SECOND – kicking team-recovered onside kicks all season.  BUT WAIT!!! #2 is overruled on replay and Hippo’s brain is now borken beyond repair.

RED ALERT – Russell Wilson not only finally threw a pick, but also a Pick Six.  This let Balmer back into the game, and Lamar! took it over in Q3.  Dynamic player, even with his limitations reading secondaries.  Also brilliant job exacerbating the time of possession differential come Q4 to salt this yuuuuuuuggggge road win away.  Piece of piss!  30-16, thanks to a shit-ass garbage time SeaTruther FG, that will no doubt sway fantasy outcomes.

SNF was all about the Tallest Midget bragging rights, with first place in the NFC East on the line.  Two bad pass defenses, so you know what to expect.  Texas Shootout, yeeeeeeehaaaaawwwww!  Wait, that was poor form.  We have a gun murder problem in this country, so we shouldn’t call games “Shootouts” or have ball clubs named “Bullets” or “Colt 45s.”  Much better to be PC in your verbiage, rather than do anything about actual fucking problems.  I hate this shithole country sometimes.  Shootout is inappropriate here, though, mostly because the 2nd half was unwatchable tripe, with no sense of urgency whatsoever.  Oh, and the Nongendered Cowpersons won easily, keeping Princeton Red just a small half-step ahead of the sack, as always.  As Gratliff rightly noted, it was perhaps an ill-conceived notion for Pedersen to waste 2.5 quarters trying to establish the run.  Oh, and Bill Maher was good from 63 right before the half.  That was kind of fun.