Your “Onward and Upward-Or at Least Sideways!” Sunday Afternoon NFL Open Thread

[looks at late slate offerings] Oof! This slate is a bit of a skinny one, isn’t it? Ah, we’ll make the best of it regardless.

TO THE GAMES!

Cards/Niners:

What is going on with David Johnson? He’s run for all of 4 yards in the month of November and looked bad doing it. I heard Greg Cosell say on the radio that he seems to have gained weight and looks more like a tight end these days. He’s off the injury report but I can’t see him getting many touches in this ‘running back committee’ that has recently been announced. Does Kliff Notes just not like the guy? Is there some lingering injury issue that isn’t being made public? I’m sure something will come out at least by the end of the season but for now I think Drake is the way to go because San Franny can be run on.

Bengals/Raiders:

Poor Ryan Findley is up against it, what with trying to play behind this O-line that allows more ‘pressured’ plays than clean pocket ones. Things get a little better vs. a Raiders team that have let Rodgers, Watson and Stafford spank them into oblivion. Josh Jacobs makes defenders miss. And miss. And miss again. His 43 forced missed tackles is the highest ever seen over a ten week period since the stat first started being recorded.

Pats/Eagles:

Do you think that New England will put J.C. Jackson on Ertz, take him out of the game and force Wentz to go to the flubbers that are Nelson Oglethorpe and that Whiteside guy for yards downfield? I think so. Maybe the play here is Dallas Goedart if he gets some run at a wideout spot. Well, if rook rb Sanders wanted the spotlight he’s got it today. Hey, Jay Ajai and his reconstructed knees are back in town again! Philly fans are out looking for blood. Well, since that is their default position, perhaps I should be more specific.They want the Eagles medical staff’s blood because Howard has somehow come out of the bye week more injured than when he entered it.

Do your thing.

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Fronkenshteen

Roll away the stone in front of the medical tent. Dakota Jeebus concussed.

King Hippo

Would save me from Brocky’s assault in fantasy.

Gratliff

They gave Brady 3 minutes and he threw it away. Who is this secondary

Viva La Tabula Raza

No flag?

Gratliff

He almost retired mid-play

Viva La Tabula Raza

Let me put on my usually hidden Masshole hat:

BRADY NEEDZ TO RETIE-AH HE IS WASHED UP!

Gratliff

What the fuck was that? How is that not grounding?

Gratliff

Gonna lose to the fucking falcons and manhandle the Pats. Love Philadelphia sports very much.

Gratliff

FUCKING CROMULENT EAGLES SECONDARY PLAY HOW

Charge of the Light Brigade

That was some amazing coverage.

Gratliff

Pats throwing up tip drills? Is the timeline lightening?

Gratliff

Fucking love when they reverse the Very Bad Thing and you get to celebrate instead

Viva La Tabula Raza

Cards up on 49ers? Am I under the influence of LSD?

theeWeeBabySeamus

I hope you brought enough for evahbody.

Fronkenshteen

MOSTERT TIME

theeWeeBabySeamus

Remember those two months when the Niners didn’t suck again?

That was fun.

Charge of the Light Brigade

That’s a TD

Gratliff

THAT’S A FUCKING TOUCHD OWN

Mr. Ayo

That better be a TD

Viva La Tabula Raza

SUDDEN CHANGE???

Gratliff

…oh no

Gratliff

Agholor wasting one of his 3 completed targets on an OOB end zone catch

Fronkenshteen

I’m no doctor, but tonight’s game SCREAMS “under”. It already came down 2.5 points.

King Hippo

Little hangover for the Tomsulas.

LemonJello

Railyard moonshine will do that.

Fronkenshteen

Off a loss?

hippofant

Cards played 49ers tough in their first game too. Kingsbury found some stuff that worked pretty well.

Also 49ers are down some LBs? Probably tough against Murray.

Fronkenshteen

Hai! Does Deebo have 100 yards and a touchdown yet!?!

King Hippo

dude, I told ya Gallup!

Fronkenshteen

Daily fantasy. That was season long league.

Gratliff

Iggles running at will on New England like they did Buffalo. Bill isn’t going to be having that. Time to start calling some knee shots.

King Hippo

That’s the way to attack this P*ts defensing unit. Balmer edges up to 1 seed with an Iggles win. GO BIRDS

Redshirt

Bengals needs to start wearing their stripeless throwbacks once a year. That would be nice.

hippofant

The Cincinnati Orange Tabbies probably would be an apter name for this team.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I thought I read somewhere/everywhere that NE had a badass defense? Really?

Fronkenshteen

They’ve taken advantage of shitty throws by bad qbs.

Gratliff

Lookit Dallas running with his blockers. You love to see it.

yeah right

comment image

King Hippo

YOU ON MY LIST, YOU NOE AIN’T DESERVE THAT’UN

yeah right

It’s just that in the past this is the exact type of game where we fucking no-show. Just to be able to come back was incredible.

Redshirt

IT HAPPENED!!!! A BENGALS RUNNING BACK FINALLY SCORED A RUSHING TOUCHDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LemonJello

Looks like someone got into Hippo’s pill stash…

hippofant

Would you rather have a win or another step towards locking up the #1 pick?

Redshirt

1-15 will lock it down.

hippofant

Do you have the tiebreakers against the Redacteds?

King Hippo

don’t they play late in season?

NO, think that’s MIA

hippofant

No, there’s a Dolphins-Bengals game that people thought would be the clincher, but no Bengals-Redacteds matchup.

Reading that the first tiebreaker is strength of schedule… and the Bengals have had the stronger schedule so far… but I think that’s BAD for them, right? So if they both go 1-15, the [*Redacted] s get the #1 pick because they had the weaker schedule and still got that record, so that means they sucked more, right?

hippofant

Oh sweet, [*Redacted] s gets automatically replaced? I don’t have to always remember to retype it? Wooo.

Redshirt

‘Dacteds still have to play Giants and a probably resting Cowboys. I’m seeing 3-13.

hippofant

Y’all got Jets, Steelers, Browns x2, and the Dolphins. Are you really that confident that those teams won’t fuck things up?

Redshirt

I’ve been a Bengals fan since 1992. I know this team. The Farce is strong in this team.

hippofant

True true, you’re a certified expert on suckage.

Redshirt

I should be. I’ve seen countless media on the subject. Oh, the Bengals? Yeah, that too.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And the Jets. Boom.

King Hippo

PLEASE FINLEY TO BEATIE TD

Gratliff

Going out on a limb and saying this won’t be as exciting as their last meeting

Horatio Cornblower

Just had an enjoyable half hour rescuing my Netfilx account from some kidnappers since Netfilx apparently didn’t realize that I don’t live in Yaroslavl, Russia, and probably wouldn’t be asking that my password and email be changed from there.

Gratliff

Moar like Sa-booooooooooooooooo

hippofant

Oh god, whoever’s covering the 49ers game just said that there was a “strong” kickoff return.

Aikman and Buck’s bullshit is spreaaaaaading!!

Gratliff

Belichick is 1000% calling the pass to Brady out of spite today, right?

Gratliff

The camo compression sleeves are tacky as fuck

LemonJello

Refs can’t call holding if they can’t see your arms.

Gratliff

Dreamboat calling Goodell and demanding an explanation mid-punt

Redshirt

Oakland: “Anything you can derp, I can derp better. I can derp anything better than you!”

King Hippo

really wish I could see every play of this shitshow

rockingdog

found a funny:
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Gratliff

I was gone for an hour. What the fuck happened to Denver?

King Hippo

GODDAMNED REFS

hippofant

Yes. Those refs. So damned by God. I agree.

rockingdog

Cousins killed em in the 2nd half

Redshirt

Well its was nice to hope for four football minutes this week.

Senor Weaselo

Progress!

rockingdog

wearing my Brady jersey (so I can blend in) and rolling to the da local bar here in New England.
Goooooo Pats!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Rocking my Lawyer Milloy in the privacy of my own home. Maybe will go to Seau or Bruschi at halftime if things are not going well.

Gratliff

comment image

Gratliff

An unfortunate side effect of cell phone resolutions increasingly drastically is every image from a screenshot is stupidly large. Scale your shit, people.

King Hippo

I bet on the Bungles to win too

Redshirt

Aw, Hippo. Why?!

King Hippo

SUCH INCREDIBLE ODDS. Almost 5-to-1, against the shit-ass Raidahs?

King Hippo

/also Ryan Finley fanboi

King Hippo

I like DAK DAK DAK DAK! almost as much as I detest Zeke.

Spur

Go Pats!

King Hippo

Go SANU

herodotus450

Just as the nfl season enters the doldrums, most teams realize they’re still shit, and Kaep tries to do… something, the Myles Garret thing happens and every sprotswriter in the country has thinkpieces coming out their ass? Awfully convenient timing…

King Hippo

I see Vance Joseph has tits now?

King Hippo

Hello late games. YES, I cover bet the shit-ass Vikings to win at 17-nil. So I just have the scars in my SOUL, not GAMBLOR.

Col. Duke LaCross

Did I just hear an actual dirty sanchez reference at the end of BUF v. MIA?

Dunstan

You left out the CFL Western Final: Blue Bombers! Roughriders! WHO YA GOT?

BC Dick

Bombers. I think Hamilton is winning next week

Viva La Tabula Raza

Hobo murder doesn’t just work Monday through Friday 9 to 5, amirite?

Redshirt

Any ideas or suggestions on how the Bengals lose this one?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

They’re trailing by 1 with 5 seconds left, about to sink a 30 year field goal.

Vontaze Burfict then runs past security onto the field and eats the kicker whole and shits him out in the shape of a football. He blows it out his ass and hits the left upright while screaming at Zac Taylor, “You ain’t ever gonna win shit in Cincinnati”

There’s a three hour delay and the backup kicker shanks it.

Redshirt

That makes sense. Bullock is a little bit shitty to me.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Jay Ajai is what uncle Ed calls that FCC guy

Gratliff

I just call him the cunt who’s trying to fuck up the internet

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