In honor of bears, here is a top 5 count down of the best Bears to ever live:
Coming in at number 5, Jay Cutler. Not because of his game play. But because of his presence on and off the field. How many modern QBs have you seen with a cigarette hanging from his mouth? Not many. He had that apathetic face down to go with that cigarette dangling from his lip. That face defined his career. His eventual marriage to Kristin Cavalarri (whose name I don’t even want to google for spelling, because she is terrible), a D-List TV actress, was just a symptom of who he really is.
https://youtu.be/XsMGlHtVV9o
At number 4 on our countdown, Yogi Bear. No one loved pic-a-nic baskets, Booboo, the way he did. And he was always getting over on that park ranger. Gosh, that bear was swell!
Blasting through your screen and your hearts at number 3 is Ben. Adopted by Grizzly Adams, Ben and Grizzly got into something each week. The show ran for 2 glorious seasons, giving us such heart-warming things like bear hugs. It might have been based on a book or something. I don’t know. As Cutler would say, “Don’t care.” Books suck.
Football is the key focus here at number 2 (the best number every morning, after lunch, when I get home, and before bed) with Bear Pascoe. Coming out of the mighty FRESNO STATE in the 2009 draft, Bear earned his SB ring with the NY Giants when they beat the Pats, where Bear had 4 catches for 33 yards. These days, Bear has gone back to his roots of wrestling steers at Rodeos. He’s one tough hombre.
Ladies and gentlemen, in my hand I hold this envelop with the winner of our countdown. The votes were counted and verified by the accounting firm of Howard, Fine, and Howard. Here to open the envelope is our dear friend Leonardo DiCRAPio!
LD: What? I fucking hate bears! Do you know what that bear did to me?!
Me: Well, you deserved it. Just read the envelope before I punch you in the mouth, Gilbert Grape.
LD: And the winner is… barebacking?
Me: Great! I couldn’t agree more.
Onto the game.
We have the shitty Bears who are allergic to offense and a Cowboys team that isn’t good at defense. The way to make this game good? Only have the Cowboys offense on the field and the Bears defense on the field. Really, that is where the game is going to be decided anyway. Mack and Dak head to head. Can’t get any better than that.
I’m so disgusted with this game I don’t want to talk about it anymore. But, please, feel free to talk about it yourselves down below.
What if?
bear with me now,
The Cowboys are just shitty?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU69VlwY9g8
So, as far as non-sports news goes, what’s the o/u on how long until Trump calls for 2nd Amendment solutions to his impeachment and flat out tells his base to go out and start shooting libs/gays/browns/blacks etc.?
No, it’ll be via being emboldened by it ending because Moscow Turtle will kill the process as soon as it starts, even if he can’t. Especially if he can’t!
It took 70 years, and we actually invented the weapon (internet) that enabled them to do it, but the Russians have won. They have destroyed this country.
I mean they won the anthem war.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnP6nWgwwtU
FF to 2:00. We navy guys laughed, back then.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsC2ETsZL0g
That one Castrato is pretty good.
Fuck Al Gore and his infernal invention!!!
I bet with my brother in law early in the season about the NFC East winner being 7-9. It looks like He will owe me a case of beer.
Do you get to choose the brand? If not, and he is a Dallas fan, you’re getting Milwaukee’s Beast or Natty Light.
He’s a Giants fan poor bastard. The beer is Narragansett. So….eh. Not the worst beer to bet with.
There was an old Latvian guy that had a house across the street from where my dad grew up. He made really strong home brew, which I had the opportunity to sample as a (legal age) youth. Shit was so powerful he had to mix it half-and-half with store-bought, and store-bought was always the ‘Gansett. Still got shitfaced.
Old Karl was a hoot, WW II Merchant Marine ship’s master (captain): “I vass torpaydoed sree times, and vass to be put on shore because uff dat. But it vass var time, so I keep getting new ship to deliver var materiel to Archangel und Murmansk.” Truly an interesting motherfucker, old Karl Stukas vas….
Watching the first half highlights (which I didn’t get to see live) it seems like the Cowboys are trying to get Garrett fired.
That makes sense.
Well, onto Sunday, when we see what Philadelphia does to avoid taking over the NFC East “lead”
Never trust a doctor in a cowboy hat. All he knows how to do is put you down.
They really do have the sharpest wits in the south.
All hat, no cows.
Is that you, Devin Nunes? Sue me!
Nunes will sue…at the drop of a hat.
While playing in college we had a cb who whenever he got beat he’s stop running and grab his thigh like he pulled a muscle.
“He needed to ice up, son!” -Steve Smith
I do that on a bad date.
*Which is every date.
Wait, there’s a stopped clock!? Get ready you guys, Garrett’s gonna do something right for only the second time today!
These damn SJWs. Remaking Shape of Water with a female lead already.
“Get in the range of Brett Maher…”
I don’t know if you’ve been watching lately, Troy, but these days Maher would miss a kick if he were standing on the crossbar.
they really should take a knee and quit getting players hurt
So later this evening; Jerry Jones, still in his suit with the pants around the ankles, laying on his side, still turgid from his little blue pill. The hooker has already given up since Jerry is on the verge of passing out from the aforementioned Johnny Walker Blue Label. A small tear appears at the corner of Jerry’s eye, which his son-in-law promptly wipes away.
I hadn’t realized I’d died and gone to Hell, so thanks for this, Moose.
My pleasure. A thousand sweet good nights, my Prince.
Putting the Dallas-Shitting-The-Bed narrative to the side for the moment, what the fuck do the Bears have on their heads? They have one of the classic helmets in the NFL and they went with some deranged crossbreed that looks like it resulted from a horrible orgy involving the Broncos, Bengals, and Browns.
It’s an orgy of alliteration
They look like the Bearverines.
Worst X-Men ever
Best X-Women ever.
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/bears-unveil-new-classic-uniforms-for-2019-with-a-throwback-look-that-will-include-rare-striped-helmets/
It’s a throwback uniform from the Bronco Nagurski days. Still better than seafoam green pants that don’t match the rest of the uniform, though:
WEEK 14 QUARTERBACKS ON FOX:
2 white, 1 black, 1 quadroon
Learning from. Andy Reid… Fuck the Nags is going home and grabbing ribs from Heckys afterwards. A double order if they win, Triple order if they lose.
Evening
*raises glass*
Double-posting as well as double-fisting (your drinks), I hope.
You make a convincing argument to double up