The Sketch of Tomlin Braday

Duchess
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What you are about to read is the story of one handsome, innocent young man’s moral corruption, and eventual downfall. We begin our tale in the a study in a mansion on the outside suburbs of Boston, when painter/starting quarterback Drew Bledsoe and his close friend, Grumble Lord Belichick, are discussing the subject of Drew’s newest sketch, a gorgeous young thing named Tomlin Braday. Drew and Belichick discuss just how perfectly perfect Tomlin is – he’s pure and talented, as well as being the handsomest guy ever to put on shoulder pads. Grumble Lord wants to play this mysterious boy, but Drew doesn’t want him to; he fears of what will become of Tomlin if the Grumble Lord digs his claws into him.

However, Grumble Lord gets his wish – Tomlin shows up that very afternoon, and, over the course of the day, Belichick manages to change Tomlin’s perspective on the world. From that point on, Tomlin’s previously innocent point of view is dramatically different – he begins to see life as Grumble Lord does, as a succession of pleasures in which questions of right and wrong are irrelevant as long as you do your job and above all else WIN!

Drew finishes his sketch of Tomlin and gives it to the young quarterback, who keeps it in his mansion, where he can admire his own beauty. Grumble Lord continues to exert his influence over Tomlin, to Drew’s dismay. Tomlin grows more and more distant from Drew, his former best friend and develops his own interests. One day Drew mysteriously gets injured only to have his place taken by Tomlin.

One of Tomlin interests is Bridget Moynahan, a young, exceptionally beautiful, exceptionally talentless – and exceptionally poor excuse of an actress/model. She’s stuck performing in terrible, third-rate movies and hideous guest spots on shows you never watch. She’s a truly remarkable thing to look at, and her beauty wins over Tomlin. He falls in lust with her, and she in love with him. For a moment, it seems like everything is a fairy tale for the two. However, this is only the beginning of Tomlin’s descent. Once he and Bridget are engaged, her “talent” suddenly disappears – she’s so overcome with her love for Tomlin that none of her roles on made for TV movies seem important to her anymore. This destroys Tomlin’s interest in her, and he brutally dumps her while she is pregnant with his kid. Back at his mansion, he notices a something different in his sketch – it looks somehow crueler. In the meanwhile, the distraught Bridget commits career suicide by joining the cast of a failed ABC TV show Six Degrees.

Bridget’s career suicide changes everything. At first, Tomlin feels horrible – but he rather quickly changes his tune. On Grumble Lord’s suggestion, Tomlin watches mysteriously “yellow tape,” a decadent close up reel of their next opponent’s defensive signals that make him reevaluate his whole belief system. With this knowledge, a man can be a God on the football field. From this moment on, Tomlin is a changed man.

Tomlin starts to live as hedonistically as his wicked mentor, Grumble Lord, does. The only thing that shows his turn the dark side is the sketch, which begins to exhibit the inward corruption of Tomlin’s soul; the handsome image changes, revealing new twisted scars and physical flaws with each of Tomlin’s dastardly actions. As the years pass, the man in the picture grows more and more hideous, as Tomlin himself stays unnaturally young and spry. Rumors start to spread about the various people whose lives Tomlin has trolled, balls he has deflated and his formerly good reputation is destroyed.

On Tomlin’s 38th birthday, he encounters Drew, who desperately asks his former friend if all the horrifying rumors of him asking his equipment manager to deflate footballs are true. Tomlin finally snaps and shows Drew the sketch, in which the horrible truth about his wicked nature is revealed. Drew recoils and begs Tomlin to pray for forgiveness. In response, Tomlin murders Drew’s credibility, brutally throwing him under a bus.

Tomlin retreats to the tape room after dealing with all of the evidence, where he encounters an enemy he once thought was protecting him – Rodger Goodell. Through a rather complicated turn of events, Goodell (who’s on a mission to punish Tomlin for his mistreatment of footballs) ends up dead center of a public debacle. Tomlin isn’t directly responsible, but it’s yet another deed to add to Tomlin’s tally of life-wrecking disasters.

Tomlin is relieved, but this event sparks a kind of moral reflection: he begins to wonder if his vile lifestyle is worth living. He does a decent deed, by deciding not to push over a child from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, which makes him think about his past actions some more. Seeking assurance, Tomlin talks to the Grumble Lord, who’s not any help at all, unsurprisingly. Tomlin even practically admits to tossing Drew under the bus, but Belichick only chuckles to himself.

That night, Tomlin returns to his mansion, with a freaking moat around it, in a pensive mood. Looking at himself in the mirror, he despises what he sees and puts his fist through the mirror. Again, he vows to be good this time, but we find out that his various crimes don’t haunt him because he doesn’t consider them his fault. Instead, he only wants to be good so that the sketch will revert to his handsome self. He races up his winding staircase through the hallway above his indoor basketball room near his P-90X stations to see if his sketch has improved. It only looks more twisted and disfigured. Frustrated, Tomlin decides to destroy his cell phone, the only evidence of his dreadful crimes, and the closest thing to a conscience he has.

A terrible cry alerts his manservants that something bad has occurred. They break down the door and are horrified by what they find: a sketch of their troll master, as handsome as ever, hanging on the wall, and a mysterious, grotesquely hideous dead man lying on the floor with a cell phone impaled into his chest. The Super Bowl rings on the dead man’s hand identify him as Tomlin Braday.

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DrLucienSanchez
Member

I don’t know where else to put this, but it’s great.

https://twitter.com/mindofmrcole/status/632009705389432832

LASERFACE!!!!

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

I tried the same line on my girlfriend.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

All the you dudes stepped up on this fucking thread!! Punnerific guys!

http://i.imgur.com/bDPmm5Y.gif

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

“Where the Red Fern Grows” is surprisingly even more tragic when Michael Vick raises Old Dan and Little Ann.

His Right Honorable Lord Who's it from Who Cares
Member

New Game: Make your own Classic Literature featuring NFL personas.

Moby Dick: Featuring Andy Reid as the Red Whale and Captain Donovan McNabb who relentlessly pursues him for the timeout Andy Reid stole from him.

American Pie Story
Member
American Pie Story

Can’t decide which NFL owner would make a better Scrooge for A Christmas Carol.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

Birth of a Nation– by Chip Kelly.

ThePirateSloth
Member
ThePirateSloth

I feel Sad Keanu should be sitting next to Tomlin.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Member

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! ROONEY RULE! REVERSE DOUBLE SECRET RACISM! OBUMMER WANTS TO TAKE OUR GUNS! RACE RIOTS! WHITE PRIDE! ARGLEBARGLEFARGLE!!!!

Wait, this wasn’t about Mike Tomlin?

Nevermind.

JerBear50
Member
JerBear50

All this Tomlin talk…
/checks door
It’s Nat!!! Everyone shut up and hide!!!

Old School Zero
Member

TOMMY TOUCHDOWN

comment image

Horatio Cornblower
Member

OH HAI OSZ.

make it snow
Member
IronAvenger6491
Member
IronAvenger6491
laserguru
Member

It turns out Brady is actually Van Gogh.

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

You’re right, but still Van Gogh fuck yourself.

Sep
Member

People of DFO, lend me your ears!

monty this seems strange to me
Member

“I know, the picture of me keeps changing too.”

http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/wmmq.com/files/2014/01/Jim-Caldwell.jpg

Sep
Member

“Why am I the only one that can’t see the sailboat?”

Horatio Cornblower
Member

“In response, Tomlin murders Drew’s credibility,”

“Pussy”
-A. Hernandez

Old School Zero
Member

Eli would like to share his sketch. He used the neon crayons from the 128 piece set.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

– Vince Young, after a Greyhound bus dropped him off in Los Angeles

Horatio Cornblower
Member

No matter what anyone thinks of the True Detective finale, Kelly Reilly telling Vaughn “You can’t act for shit” was sublime.

make it snow
Member

What a tragic fate for Christine Ouzounian.

blaxabbath
Member

“The Super Bowl rings on the dead man’s hand identify him as Tomlin Braday.”

/Cums Hard

All the Farts
Member
All the Farts

Where the fuck is Drew Bledsoe right now?

SonOfSpam
Member

Getting a Quasimodo vibe from that pic. And Belichick would make a ripping gargoyle.

Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water
Member
Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

Belichick chuckled to himself because the way to Bledsoe’s mom was clear with him gone.