[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"This site goes down so often we oughta change the name to “Dating Nancy Reagan”" – Horatio

Log In

Uninformed Oscar Previews and Miscellaneous Tuesday Open Thread

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

/

, ,

Stay strong, friends.  The yawning chasm of the Off-Season is upon us, but we’re going to make it through this. Together.

We have real Oscar coverage coming, but I figured I would kick things off with my traditional I Ain’t Seen Shit preview.  Like  most of you, I have not seen most of the nominated movies.  However (like any good American) that does not stop me from having Strong and Deeply Held Opinions on the subject.  As a service, I will now share them with you so you can sound Intelligent and Worldly at your significant other’s BFF’s Oscar Party.

Ford v Ferrari: Vrroom! I actually saw this one. Essentially it is the semi-true story of two arrogant industrialists trying to prove which of their micropenises was bigger, and the wonderful automobiles that came out of it. Don’t be fooled by Jon Bernthal’s performance – Lee Iacocca was a weaselly cunt who fought environmental and safety regulations with every fiber of his being instead of adapting and succeeding. It’s a pretty decent waste of 2 hours. No chance it wins.

The Irishman: a shockingly frank biopic on the amazing life and tragic death of Lucky, the Lucky Charms leprechaun. Nice to see Martin Scorcese branching out from his usual glorifying-violent-white-gangsters.

Jojo Rabbit: saw it. Had some really good moments, but it’s deeply flawed and often hits the wrong tonal notes. And that’s not something you can afford when your walking the Nazi-comedy tightrope. There’s a reason Springtime for Hitler was a joke idea for a musical.

Joker: like the new Top Gun, Joker finds itself revisiting an 80s war movie icon, in this case Full Metal Jacket’s James “Joker” Davis.  Now a newspaper editor in Bangor, Maine, Matthew Modine’s Joker finds out Gunnery Sergeant Hartman’s grandson is being held in Afghanistan. Recruiting his old buddy Animal Mother, Joker heads back into The Shit. One. Last. Time.

Marriage Story: no more spontaneous oral sex. End of story.

1917: continuing the prequel trend, this followup to Steven Spielberg’s “1941” casts Jim Belushi as a crazed, cigar-chomping balloon pilot on the Western Front. Shot to appear to be one continuous shot, for some reason.

Parasite: Stephen Miller’s self-directed autobiography

Once upon a Time…in Hollywood: Feet and the n-word.

Little Women: Dwarf porn.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

DOOOON’T CAAARE. I suggest you watch The Replacements, both the finest football movie and best Keanu Reeves joint ever made. Closer to real football than the XFL anyway…

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Tags:

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
98 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
Brick Meathook

I’m just now reading about the Iowa Caucus in the New York Times (so at least I’m not getting this info from Fox or fucking Twitter) and it just amazes me how completely stupid all these people are.

0
Col. Duke LaCross

Well, at least he didn’t further tarnish the office of the president by awarding the countries highest civilian honor to a criminally dishonest, partisan demagogue and felon who has spent the majority of their lives deceiving and doing damage to the public, becoming rich off of deliberately stoking the tension and division of the country, mainly just to award that person’s uncritical sycophancy towards the president; having become an expert in playing off the president’s egomania…… Oh wait…

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least he didn’t do that.

0
Brick Meathook

I’M WRITING AN ANGRY LETTER ABOUT THIS:
comment image

1
Gratliff

My take on yesterday’s shenanigans:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_ijc7A5oAc

2
Col. Duke LaCross

They take a lot of shit, but they’re probably my favorite band of the last ten years.

0
Doktor Zymm

Politics is the abusive relationship I can’t quit, and I’m not even sleeping with it.

3
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Really? I feel like we get fucked regularly

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

I really wish that the Dems had listened to Maher, and invited the 25 women who have accused Trump of sexual impropriety to the SOTU and sat them right the fuck up front, just like the Repubs did with the three accusers of Bill Clinton during one of the Clinton/Trump debates back in 2016. Turnabout is fair play.

5
Gratliff

That would require political instincts the Dems haven’t demonstrated in my lifetime

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

You are absolutely correct, I am just cuffing my carrot here.

1
Unsurprised

Did Pelosi give another sincere but artificial looking clap for Trump?

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

Not watching, but I certainly will be disappointed if she did not.

0
Senor Weaselo

She ripped up the transcript. But he also didn’t shake her hand at the onset.

0
rockingdog

LOL LEGIT
Nancy Pelosi immediately RIPS IN HALF
the speech that the president just gave…..

THATS LEGIT!

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
Unsurprised

What a fucking child.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

Balls like bell clappers on that gal.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
rockingdog

LOL
OMG
A surprise Military Family Reunion during the State of the Union?

Bahahahaha!

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Probably a person from a foreign country who served and will now be deported. It’s happened plenty of times before, do not see it stopping.

1
rockingdog

quick question:
Will the president start a war before the election?

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
WCS

Where will the president start a war before the election?

FIFY

7
Viva La Tabula Raza

I think a civil/race war is what he’s aiming for, right here in the USA

2
yeah right

He’s already done that.

0
Redshirt

“Our top story tonight, Friday, February 4, 3020, the Confederation of the Sol and Alpha Centauri Solar Systems met with representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy at the Neutral Planet to begin the peace negations to end Galactic War IV.

On the lighter side, the Democratic Party of Iowa has announced that they expect to get the final results to the 2020 Caucus any day now.”

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
rockingdog

Cool.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
rockingdog

whait wait…..what???
the president just awarded the medal of freedom to Rush Limbaugh
DURING the state of the union?

LOL

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

5
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“Would you please get us some ice from the machine?”

“Okay.”

comment image

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
Redshirt

I worked in a factory where they made the Bounce scent they put into the dryer sheets. Your joke isn’t that far from the truth.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would have showed up for work early.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And stayed late.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

With an erection.

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

I had a buddy that worked at P&G up in Southern Ohio. HIs specialty was laundry soap for export to Mexico.

1
Brick Meathook

comment image

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

My vote for best fitbaw movie would be Water boy. Runner up would be “Any given Sunday”

0
WCS

The Last Boyscout

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Forgot about that one. Good call

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

You whippersnappers don’t know about the great early 70s Hollywood football games.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lGjEZIZQIIk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6eYjus_Olc

The MASH one is worth tracking down the whole game/movie, I couldn’t find it on Youtuble.

2
Senor Weaselo

Original Longest Yard!

0
theeWeeBabySeamus

Center Eligible.

1
Redshirt

Agreed, but “The Replacements” gets my #3.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

“Uninformed Oscar Previews”
Next year the title will be “Uniformed Oscar Previews” and those of us not wearing our armbands will be beaten with athletic socks full of quarters.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gotta love those family values Republicans like Donald Trump, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Scott Desjarlais….

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

If Obama had gone on stage at a rally with his 5 children from 3 different wives like Trump did back in 2016, imagine the outrage from the right.

2
Redshirt

I’m treating tonight’s State of the Union like how Captain Picard treated the Bible when he went over to the evil Mirror Universe in the novel “Dark Mirror”; I’m curious about it, but ultimately I’m not watching because I’m terrified of its contents.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
Viva La Tabula Raza

I can’t stand to listen to Trump’s voice, so I am going to have to wait for tomorrow to maybe just read transcriptions or catch clips of the most insane moments. Which of course may end up being the whole thing. Who will be our Leni Riefenstahl?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ3N_2r6R-o

2
rockingdog

LOL
AMERICA!
“The place where the action is.”

0
Senor Weaselo

I would have expected that slogan from the American Athletic Conference instead.

/Also it would be a lie

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
rockingdog

Found a sad:
Most millennials’ whole adult lives have just been a string of witnessing popular vote wins being reversed by yankee doodle-ass, slavery-era, wooden teeth, pioneer costume elector/delegate voodoo math.

1
BrettFavresColonoscopy

And voter suppression to boot

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Just the eligible who didn’t vote would have soundly beat Trump.

0
Senor Weaselo

Has Order 66 been executed yet? Order 66 being two large number 6’s, of course.

3
herodotus450

two large number 6’s,

What is, my last threesome?
/I wish

3
Senor Weaselo

When you execute them they’re just hookers, Cyril!

5
rockingdog

Yikes.
Rush Limbaugh sitting next to the first lady.
Alright…

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

Hope he coughs up some cancer sputum on her.

3
BC Dick

I vote for The Program as best football movie. Steroids, illiteracy, and alcoholism. Whence true football stars are made.

1
Unsurprised

It’s a shame they cut the street chicken scene. Does anyone else also remember Lattimer smashing in car windows with his head?

0
rockingdog

hanging out with the roommates
watching the State of the Union
obviously smoking weed for this….
Oh my.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EP47hvyWAAAMA7B?format=jpg&name=small

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Once upon a time in Hollywood would have been better if it was as you described

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder what the o/u is on how many minutes into the SOTU address it will be before Trump loses his shit, descends into the gallery, and tries to choke out Schiff.
And what the odds are that the Secret Service tries to restrain him or shoots Schiff.

6
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He does not have the physical courage to do that. He would openly encourage his sycophants to do so while saying he would.

0
LemonJello

I would watch the ever-loving hell out of your version of Joker.

5
Viva La Tabula Raza

For a second I thought that was a for-real synopsis. Shows how much attention I pay to popular culture anymore.

0
Col. Duke LaCross

Okay, so after sitting on the sidelines for way too long, I’m going to finally put my hat in the ring for party office for the 2024 Presidential cycle. Nothing huge, just chairman of the Democratic National Committee. I’m going to keep my platform so simple that even people in Iowa can follow it.

1. Reviving Howard Dean’s 50-State strategy that gave us legislative control in 2006 and kept Bush II from continuing to run roughshod over everything right and good in the world. We need it now more than ever.

2. Iowa, Nevada, feel free to keep your caucus system if you like, however until you switch to a one-person, one-vote primary, preferably with paper, mail-in ballots, we won’t be seating your delegates at the national convention. That goes for other states that I’ve missed that still run stupid, anachronistic caucus systems. Enjoy your straw polls.

3. New Hampshire. You can continue your reign as “First Primary” state. You’ve actually sued successfully for the privilege, it’s a waste of resources to fight the courts. However, we’re going to run a dozen other primaries across the nation the very next DAY.

4. Promote union labor across the workforce spectrum. My own pet project.

Anybody else on board? Let’s get this shit done.

6
herodotus450

Dem Lobbyists:
comment image

12
Col. Duke LaCross

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

You have my vote.

1
herodotus450

The number of people who think a private (right?) political party’s primary system is a fair contest to begin with, and therefore able to be rigged, is too damn high

0
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The term “private” doesn’t really apply. They are publically sanctioned and subject to so many laws and regulations that they are quasi-public

0
herodotus450

But ultimately the party can do whatever they want, and nominate anyone, regardless of any primary or caucus, right?
/only a member of the “Fight for your Right To” Party

1
Col. Duke LaCross

I like how people actually believe the DNC is actually competent enough to rig a race for local dog catcher, let alone a presidential primary.

5
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

The 2020 Padres Spring Training cap looks like a terrible Photoshop that I probably made back in high school.

comment image

1
rockingdog

comment image

1
Gumbygirl

I enlarged this, and looked at it from every angle. No idea what it’s supposed to be, other than fugly!

0
BC Dick

Does the SD represent that contorted man’s intestines?

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

The Padres’ mascot always puts me in mind of my avatar. Ron Perlman is kind of a badass.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“I’d like to make an appointment…..”

comment image

3
rockingdog

Found a funny:
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Aji Amarillo Chile Powder?

2
Senor Weaselo

Reaper powder, ppl forget that

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hot ass.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

These are movies in which you speak of?

1
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Apparently

2
98
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x