It’s been a crappy week all around…especially if you’re a Democratic candidate under 70, amirite?!
Folks, guess what you can’t buy for a half-billion dollars? A Nomination!
Or even a half of a half-billion dollars? A delegate!
Women!
Politics, it’s a fickle mistress. Much like this guy’s
I tell you folks, thanks for coming into [DFO] Open Mike night. The jokes are as stale as the bread. Hi-YO! And don’t forget to tip your gif server, Moose!
He’s a little intense so try not to raise your voice, as hard “K”s trigger him. Please just write your 20% tip anywhere on the bill, and for God’s sake DON’T LOOK AT THE GOITER!
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Habs at Panthers – 7:00PM | CBC / Sportsnet
- Sens at Sharks – 7:00PM | Sportsnet1 / City TV
- Blue Jackets at Oilers – 10:00PM | CBC
- NBA:
- 76ers at Warriors – 8:30PM | ABC / TSN2
- NCAA:
- North Carolina at Duke – 6:00PM | ESPN
- Oklahoma at TCU – 6:00PM | ESPN2
- DePaul at Providence – 6:30PM | FS1
- Butler at Xavier – 8:30PM | FS1
- Washington at Arizona – 10:00PM | ESPN
- Fisticuffs:
- FOX PBC Fight Night:
- Adam Kownacki vs. Robert Helenius – 8:00PM | FOX
- UFC 248
- Prelims – 8:00PM | ESPN / TSN5
- FOX PBC Fight Night:
- Futbol:
- LA Galaxy vs. Whitecaps FC – 10:00PM | TSN
I’ve been at the Rugby Sevens all day. Hopefully I’m leaving with memories & not the corona virus.
Where can I apply for reparations for my lost hour tonight?
All I have is this tray of Rice Krispie treats
I thought I put a picture of Jameela Jamil into the mix here but now it’s not there. Is my mind that faulty that I could create that memory? Possibly. She’s gorgeous. But I’m not going to go find it again. Or for the first time.
Life is a struggle. Better than that it’s pointless. Better than that it’s indulgent and eventually evil. Burn it all and give me the woods. I want the woods.
Not a lot of fellas can pull off a high waisted one piece like Dangle.
Well then Mr. Baker, you’ll need the cow, the cape, the slipper, and the hair again.
This one?
Making Munchausen look sexy as fuck
It wasn’t that one but I haven’t seen that and I quite like it.
It happened again. I put one up and then it disappeared. There wasn’t even a fully erect penis in the frame.
What do you mean; going to get weird?
It can’t be one too many, so I must have had one too few beers.
One can tell so much from so little. Like that person is trash. That much is obvious.
WTF? People with odd fetishes in glass houses should not throw stone dildos.
Isn’t that part of the fetish? I know I want my pregnant women lactating but I don’t have any aspersions that the combination isn’t due to a wet nurse situation.
Also: new fetish created re: that comment. You won’t know when I’m on that fetish but I’ll know. And I’ll know it was you that led me there. You’re part of if it now.
Yeah. Knead that wool. You dirty girl. You already have the pattern ordered. You want to make a gift instead of buying a baby shower present, don’t you?
That fresh wool, just dripping off your needles. Yeah, let it slide down. This took thought and a decade of practice. Make those booties tight, bitch. I want to get those bronzed later.
This is a deeply intimate gift. I want to watch you put them on. Show me how you want it. And get pictures for my parents.
And just which odd fetishes do you know about?
I’d ride both of those
Fuck Jurassic Park.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111361/
Naming your child Chastity is sort of an oxymoron.
Wardrobe malfunction!
We need a 5 second delay on live posts!
What the sweet lord is going on there? Is it dinosaur rape?
Well, I wasn’t here yesterday….
I’d drive that right by Brick’s house while giving him the bird.
If Brick was still alive, he’d respond to this.
R.I.P.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks ahead one hour tonight, while cursing out those responsible for it
We in BC are so close to being rid of that lunacy. I will drink to the animal gods When that useless tradition is gone.
She’s attractive But whenever I see a lady taking a picture in a mirror or something with her phone out up there i think, “she’s a self obsessed stupid person”. So that kills it.
I’m thinking you totally missed the cat butt & balls. REALLY?
That just makes it HAWT!
Especially the Siamese patented Black Fur Balls.
I did totally miss that. I retract my statement in favour of cat genitals, in general.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Xeu2UuScwYk
Good on whoever plus one that. I can’t figure out how to make the picture come up. It’s captain Beefheart.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xeu2UuScwYk
There it is. Sweet mother fuck on a stick I love that song.
It took me about ten minutes but now that I get the joke that’s really good.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=q0JrV86EKCs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0JrV86EKCs
Thanks again. I have that album playing on my turntable right now. I wish that song was all what I think a chorus or lyrics are and without the solo. I just want to hear about the whaling.
We got turned out at the bonspiel. Lots of wine and whisky for the day though. Under 40 dollars gets you three half games and as many wine and whisky drinks as you’re willing to get up for. Plus a buffet lunch and dinner. I’m swaying over my turlet and I think I’ll polish off my half forty of rye with some diet cola now.
This is like Rocky in between rounds.
“GET BACK IN THERE AND FIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”
We did take a lot of lumps. But we are like a piece of iron. We will keep putting that liquor into our bellies no matter the consequences. Or at least I will.
Sounds like an excellent plan. You’ve inspired me to go for a 3rd beer, instead of the sensible “hot tea and bed to sleep off this bronchitis” plan that I was originally going with.
“Bronchitis.”
Please respect my sacrifice, sir; my surviving there last week+ with no alcohol means I’m braver than the troops.
Well, and you being the first CORVID19 patient on your block.
Better than Avian Flu.
Yo what end, though?
Alcohol Is the natural enemy of human illnesses. Drink that next beer and be well.
I’m torn between my wanting to be able to sleep at night and my amusement at requests to make candidates draw a picture of a clock at every debate going forward
And here I thought I had nothing in common with green slime
“Time to see get a snack and see what’s on TV.”
“The patient seems to be responding to you Doctor.”
“I wish you’d stop with the Hulk ejaculation ‘jokes’.”
No.
They have to make the poster art sexier for some audiences.
https://dyn1.heritagestatic.com/lf?set=path%5B1%2F5%2F2%2F8%2F3%2F15283048%5D&call=url%5Bfile%3Aproduct.chain%5D
Watching some poker tournament, which I never do, but there is a guy absolutely melting down at a table and it is hilarious
“I NEVER do it!”
Last time I played there was a first-timer there and he played a strong hand very well while we were right on the edge of the rebuy period. After the flop I had 4/5 of a flush (with the A in hand, so a winner if I hit it) and said “fuck it” and pushed with the expectation I would be buying back in. But I hit my flush on the river. I still feel bad about how my evil cackle only fed into the look of confusion on his face as I took the pot.
I ended up coming in second after backing into the third spot and then doubling up three times in a row. It was a wild night.
Always love those guys who call your all-in by saying “I’m ready to go home anyway” and then rivering a straight/flush to cripple me.
Fucking love them.
You can’t turn away from that. Like a public couple breakup. A life going sideways in front of your own eyes is delightful.
I lost the taste for a lot of mainstream liberal comedy after 2016. Shows like Daily Show and Last Week Tonight didn’t offer any catharsis and late night talk shows became actively revolting. Even if Colbert wasn’t too far removed from this on CC (looking at you, Henry Kissinger cameo), his work was undeniable in his Colbert Report persona, and watered down doesn’t begin to describe the disparity between the two shows. I didn’t experience this after Bush won, but I imagine that’s a mix of me being far more cynical nowadays and me not being old enough to vote back in 2000, so there was still some detachment. The only real exception to this rule is Lewis Black. For the last few years, after every show, he does a live feed of responding to audience questions. There’s like 400+ hours of him screaming at people on his website. Unfortunately, he went the Dangerfield route and didn’t get famous til he was almost 50. Like seemingly every important figure left in this country, he’s in his 70’s, so don’t know how long he keeps going. He isn’t hitting the highs of a late career Carlin, but do still very much enjoy him hating everything as much as ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU17kWPlAUA
Yes, to me the comedy is in at least some exaggeration with a glimpse of humanity. With the current kleptocrats and the obvious pandering to people drink it as if dying of thirst, explaining it, even in that comedic setting is depressing and horrifying, lacking funny. On the other hand the situation is so bad sometimes the only way I can watch it is with Last Week Tonight.
The 2024 Olympic surfing competition will held in Tahiti, (Paris not being known for its breaks), and the wave they’ll be surfing as a name that translates to ‘Wall of Skulls’ and that’s just awesome.
Between the pale skin, tattoos, and beards, this boxing match looks like a parking spot dispute at an Aryan Nations clubhouse.
“We have a Nordic takeover tonight”
Brian Kenny, not helping
He did wish for a skinny chick.
Keep fucking that chicken!
DAMN IT!! THERE IT IS PEOPLE!!!!
“Oh sure, when SHE wears a fishbowl helmet, nobody minds, but I never hear the end of it….” — Mysterio
Oh, shit! That might be TOO sexy.
This whole pronunciation of GIF thing…..IT’S A FUCKING FILE EXTENSION, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO FUCKING RELAX. JUST THINK OF HOW GIRAFFES FEEL, PEOPLE!
The “g” is obviously silent, like in gyro.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4wdbibV3IM
“Look at the tits on her, Billy!”
That’s how I like my women.
Visible.
“So you got an organ you can replace?”
OR The Curse of the Male Nipple
[In TECHNOCOLOR (TM)]
https://www.twitter.com/super70ssports/status/1236347514254774274?s=12
Respect the oxford comma folks.
Super70s is a great Twitter follow.
I get a solid laugh or two pretty much every day. After all the brain cells I’ve ruthlessly murdered over the years, I can’t believe I remember most of that shit.
“At least he was murdered first.”
Starting Double Pits to Shesty TWO WEEKS after a car crash where he broke a rib might not have been the best personnel decision.
This would be a good time for the Bruins to go full collapse and cough up home ice through the playoffs
Imagine how good Bergeron would be if he took off all that extra padding and stopped dancing on the ceiling all the time.
Flyers underperforming against the Sabres after rolling through playoff teams isn’t surprising, but Carter Hart is a fucking tank at home
Nevermind. Buffalo is bad. Flyers win their 9th straight.
One of the Lightning coaches got a game misconduct penalty?
Bruins just called for embellishment. Love it.
Brouins storming back, only down 3-2, and then a line brawl
Gratuitous hit on Marchand? Sign me up.
Ref finally had enough of his shit?
Hook it to my veins!
Sounds like taking one for the team tbh
If IMPOTUS doesn’t get it, the MAGA-hats will insist that it’s because God bestowed him with immunity.
Welcome to Dead Fucking Last place finish, U*NC!
This Costco is the one right across from the Atwater March route:
Christ on a solar powered skateboard what the fuck people?
the amount of panic ALMOST makes me feel for how non-transparent the feds have been. HEY, I said “almost”
Wait a second, “coronavirus pandemic” is an anagram for “Charmin vested interest”!
WAKE UP SHEEPLE
Breaking news! Coronavirus outbreak strikes line of people waiting outside of Costco.
Slowly taking over the world, and preying on the weak. Yup, checks out.
SillyCuse losing kept NC State out of U*NC’s bracket (regardless of Douchebag Classic outcome). This is much appreciate.
Instead of offsetting fighting majors having no impact on the game, they should result in alternating 5 minute power plays for each team. I want chaos!
ALTERNATE – make ’em fight to the death
Like monkey fights in International Waters. Now that is gambling.
we is gonna need MOAR Boitcoin
Team Secular Big Love State is in. As always, they have that one really good white kid.
Oklahoma could be playing itself off the bubble, much like Texas earlier. STEERFUCKERS UNITED!
Is that the San Antonio MLS club?
Like to see that badge, yo.
Also a hot ice matchup between Tampa and Boston tonight. Always a chance Marchand gets gruesomely injured!
Not one , but TWO shorties in 1:08. Noice start, lightning!
ETA: and NHLN has chosen the SARDONICALLY IRREVERENT NESN putzes for the national broadcast.