Since I last wrote, a whole week of DFO goodness has passed. Many things have happened.

Let’s talk about them.

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DFO Banner Tournament!

The big news this week was that the Banner Tournament is back! Like the McRib, this is an annual event whose return is eagerly anticipated. As the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano, the Banner Tournament returns each March to shame and humiliate the NCAA “Slave Labour” basketball tournament.

Plus, this one is already being played in front of an empty arena with participants not wearing pants!

As of this writing, we have finished the first round. Here are your winners so far with my choices listed in bold:

• “Only thing wetter than this Ravens-Steelers game is my wife seeing the Witcher in the tub.” (66%)
• “You’d think everybody would remember the name of the jockey who became famous for riding Cigar, but all everyone ever talks about when it comes to that subject is Monica Lewinsky.” (65%)
• “THIS AARON DONALD I CALL HIM PEYTON MANNING IN THE TRAINING ROOM BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO DROP THE SACK ON YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL AND NO ONE WILL DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.” (58%)
• “The Bengals have a bye next week. They’re three point underdogs.” (84%)
• “Touchdown, Mohammad. NO, NBC! DON’T SHOW HIS PICTURE!” (70%)
• “THIS AAF, I CALL IT A LOT OF MY RELATIONSHIPS, BECAUSE IT GOT OFF TO A GOOD START, BUT WHEN THE MONEY RAN OUT IT WAS ALL OVER.” (56%)
• “The Dolphins just announced that their entire roster will be listed as Questionable for next week. They’re not injured, just really fucking questionable.” (56%)
• “We have to wait to vote? What are we, black people in GOP-controlled states?” (64%)
• “THIS GUY TUUKKA RASK, I CALL HIM AN IUD BECAUSE NOBODY IS SCORING WHILE HE’S IN POSITION!” (51%)
• “The way the Jets are hitting him, Renfrow’s nickname must be World Trade Center.” (89%)
• “‘Two base error’ also describes the first time I had sex.” (56%)
• Either “The band Beyond Reasonable Doubt was not nearly as good.” (50%) or “I’ve seen photos of barracuda with less pronounced underbites that [sic] this Habsburg-jawed harpy.” (50%). Senor Weaselo decides in case of a tie!
• “Michigan must be approaching puberty because Penn State seems to be losing interest in beating them anymore.” (69%) Scotchy: Grrrrr
• “Spitse is a very popular player in the Netherlands, but not so much as her cousin Swallowse.” (70%)
• “When they Punt you punt shorter, They put up a touchdown you put up a field goal. They take the lead you throw an interception… that[‘s] the [C]hicago way! (64%)
• “Maryland channeling their inner older, more mature Jesus by not going crazy at Temple.” (54%)
• “These goal posts are taking it like an NFL girlfriend lately.” (53%)
• “THIS JASON GARRETT, I CALL HIM HILLARY CLINTON BECAUSE HE TOOK WISCONSIN LIGHTLY AND IT’S GOING TO COST HIM A JOB” (74%)
• “I feel it’s fitting that the final play in the Oakland Coliseum is of a Raider being hit in the face with a pass that it was really important for him to catch.” (56%)
• “11 days to make it just one round—what are we, Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ belt?!” (55%)
• “Like an improvised rope made of bedsheets, Sharkbait’s banner held together long enough to strangle the competition.” (56%)
• “I’ve had enough of condescending bodies of water. Get over yourself, Lake Superior.” (75%)
• “To be fair, Gruden saw end of career Jerry Rice. Kind of like judging pie eating abilities of end of life Terri Schiavo.” (81%)
• “Fitzgerald is coming back to the Cardinals? I’m guessing that BS in communications from Phoenix University Online didn’t open as many doors as he thought it would.” (62%)
• Tony Romo’s mic breaking down is perfect, because Tony Romo always fell apart in the postseason.” (61%)
• “I’m not saying Belichick’s son looks like a homeless person, but Scotchy just slit his throat.” (71%)
• “Like most vaunted Ds, it ultimately disappoints” (79%)
• “Rim the top of a Narragansett tall boy ‘Not too tall or they’ll hit the shower head.’ -J. Sandusky” (58%)
• “If Garrett had only hit a woman with that helmet he’d be back by Week 14.” (80%)
• “The last time Magic Johnson said that he wanted to have fun again he had to go on a retroviral cocktail.” (60%)
• “If the German men’s team is called ‘Die Mannschaft,’ then it follows that the women’s team should be called ‘Die Neinschaft.’” (64%)

Let it be noted for posterity that a grand total of 3 entries in the banner tournament were dedicated to making fun of tWBS’ love life. Let the record also show that they, like their inspiration, didn’t score enough to get to the next step.

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BC Dick’s Curling Updates

All good things come to an end and thus the BC Dick Curlers dropped their first game of the season last week. On the bright side, they won their first 6, so they are in good shape for the rest of the season.

In his post this week, there was a reference to the World Championships and how the women’s teams will be really strong this year.

Mr. Dick, I would just like to make a simple request. This summer, the DFO soccer squad will be running previews of all national teams participating in the European Championship and the Copa America. I implore you to do the same for the World Curling Championships. I know it’s a tough task, so I pledge to you that the rest of the DFO curling lovers will assist you in this endeavour should you choose to take it on.

Think about it.

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Psych Marathon Update

I am now in Season 4 and Abigail is in Uganda teaching little children for six months (or more!) and Shawn got THIS CLOSE to telling Jules that he loves her during the Thorn Birds virus episode.

BTW, given the current coronavirus situation, I suggest a rewatch of the episode if nothing to give yourselves the mental picture of seeing Judd Nelson working for the CDC. I guarantee that will ease your fears.

Fun Fact: Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, Judd Nelson, AND Anthony Michael Hall have all guest-starred on Psych. I’m not sure about Emilio Estevez…

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The Week in DFO

These are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

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Now I want Lebanese food.

Litre Cola

Ellen DeGeneres can get her own foo…Oh.
Never mind

Horatio

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Didn’t realize that a bidet means no wiping; I will stay with my motto of “Cheap beer; expensive toilet paper” for now.

ALXMAC

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ESPN scroll is telling me that Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 back on this day in 1962. Enough about the chicks, how many points did he get that night?

scotchnaut

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I ran into a couple JOE precinct captains and they were exactly what I expected — kept up, kinda MILFy and obviously pretty insecure, committed women who knew they were voting for Biden but were strictly just going with the establishment candidate they knew. Not judging here — just giving you the BOTG deal.

h/t Blaxxabath’s Boots on the Ground post

I highly recommend reading Blax’ BOTG post. It was very interesting to read about the behind-the-scenes of America’s political process.

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“Apu’s Gigantic Asses Magazine” is second only to “Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Cat” in my GIF arsenal.

Brick

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The next name in hockey: Shane Wright. Got OHL exceptional player status last year and is a point per game player this season on a dogshit Kingston team.
I once asked Rick Mirer if he enjoyed being a Golden Domer and he said, “yeah man Asian chicks give the best head.”

Buddy Cole’s Halftime Show

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BackStreet Boys by a mile
— Balls and Brick

Mr. Ayo

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In the DFO Madness bracket, there are no Cinderella stories because we’re all smart enough to know what ended up in the lost glass slipper and to never, ever pick it up.

Old School Zero

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I’ll be honest-Placebo’s version had no effect on me.

Scotchnaut

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Next week’s post will be slightly abbreviated as I will be spending part of the weekend defying the coronavirus and traveling to a land far away.

Hopefully on an empty plane so I can sleep lying down like I’m in first class. See you next week!