INT. ZOOM CHATROOM – DAY

A mongoose, a little person holding a lollipop, a gold-leaf coated pair of buttocks, an alternate universe version of Philip Rivers, a miniature can of processed meat, and live video of Brett Favre’s lower intestine share the screen.

HOST: Welcome everyone, to an other edition of “Quarantining Today.” I’m your host, [name redacted], and we’re checking in with some of our favorite DFO contributors to see how they’re coping with the societal changes that the novel coronavirus pandemic has brought into their lives. With me today are Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, Yeah Right, Balls of Steel and Fury, Son Of Spam, and the Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy, and Brick Meathook. First question for each of you – where are you exactly, and how are things in your vicinity?

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: I’m in Los Angeles, right on the edge of Glendale. I guess the closest landmark is the Griffith Observatory. If anyone who is stalking Constance Wu is watching, we’re pretty close to her house. I’m guessing that things here aren’t too different from anywhere else in the city. The trails near us are closed, though we can still walk the dog along the river pathway without getting molested [shrugs sadly]. We’ve been mostly isolated for almost four weeks now; the only times we’ve left the house have been to buy groceries. Costco was insane the first time we went, but subsequently it’s been fine. Weird and spooky, to be sure, but calm. I’m expecting that grocery shopping will return to its normal equilibrium soon if it hasn’t already – there’s only so much stuff that people can fit into their pantries. Vons even sent out its regular flier this week.

BRETT FAVRE’S COLONOSCOPY: I’m in Santa Monica, allegedly a city separate from Los Angeles. We’ve been self isolating for about 15 days now. Work is overwhelming as we’re evaluating RIFs, paycuts, everything’s on the table. And no one respects/cares about weekends anymore bc what’s the difference. We’ve been getting food delivered and were well prepared beyond that bc lady BFC is neurotic in ways good and bad. Her birthday is tomorrow and that’s a whole thing

SON OF SPAM: We live in Anaheim, which is home to a really really empty amusement park of note (DollyWorld). I work at home anyway, so my job/life hasn’t been affected much, except that my wife is now also working at home, and our college student daughter is now taking her classes from home. We haven’t killed each other yet, but that possibility is growing like a red state Coronavirus chart. I hit a grocery store once a week or so, and everyone is well-behaved and respecting each other’s space. We’ve had to cancel two scheduled trips; the first was to be a quick one to San Francisco on my birthday to catch a Giants game (never been to that park), and the second was an Alaskan cruise in May for our anniversary. Cruise ships are much less attractive than they were a few months ago. Our family is very lucky in that our jobs are pretty secure and we have a roof over our heads. Many are not so fortunate, and rage should be directed squarely at the abortion in the White House. Vote in November as if your life depends on it, because it does.

YEAH RIGHT: I’m in El Segundo and still reporting for work. We’re part of the [burn after reading] and are therefore [seriously forget you read this or we will have to lock you in a room and throw away the room]. It’s weird as fuck in my neighborhood since El Segundo is primarily aerospace industry dependent and most of the other aerospace companies are shut down. Grocery store changes every time I visit. Yesterday I went and brought my own bags with me and that now means I had to bag my own groceries. They’ve got a handle on meat…

SOS: [snickers] heh “they’ve got a handle on meat”

YEAH RIGHT: …and, liquor and produce and slowly getting back to normal. I can still walk in the mornings but my route had to change because the bastards closed the beach. Lots of people exercising all over town. As I was walking this morning by the (closed indefinitely) high school I noticed people are now writing motivational messages in chalk on the sidewalks. “We can do this” “Stay Strong” and things like that. I thought that was cool as fuck. Tired of binge watching but loving the lack of traffic. (edited)

BALLS OF STEEL: I’m currently in DTLA at work. I’ve got a rotating schedule and am lucky that I can pretty much isolate myself. Getting work done is very difficult as many processes are paper-based and all my staff is at home. I do greatly enjoy working from home in my underwear. And yes, I’ve been on Pornhub on a daily basis…

SOS: How’s that different?

BALLS: sonofspam usually, I work long hours, which cuts into prime “tcb” time.

SOS: It’s like the Peloton ad; you can always find 20 minutes a day to work on yourself.

BALLS: True story: the other day I was TCB’ing when my boss’ boss called. Talk about a boner killer!

An awkward pause ensues.

BALLS: Yes, I still finished.

SOS: Add that to your resume: “Able to finish important projects on time through multiple distractions”

BFC: Ok what is TCB?

SOS: I assume “Takin Care of Business” but I’d happily be wrong if it’s something much more filthy. Time to Cup Balls? Totally Crunk n Batin?

HOST: [glances around nervously] Listen, we could talk all day about how to misbehave sexually at work and not get in trouble for it. But we’re not here to do a Matt Lauer retrospective, we’re here to talk about life under lockdown. Let’s get back on topic. What wholesome and not-so-wholesome activities are you engaged in to pass the time?

RIKKI: I’ve got a garage gym, so I’ve been able to maintain my workout schedule without too much disruption. I’ve also started a victory garden.

HOST: A victory garden?

RIKKI: Yes, for when the idiot-in-chief sees a few positive numbers, declares that he’s solved the problem and people can start disregarding precautionary measures, and a second wave of infections and deaths hit and everything has to close back down again. It’s currently producing spinach, lettuce, herbs, and snap peas, with brussels sprouts, green beans, kale, tomatoes, and peppers on the way. Oh, and marijuana. I’ve got six seedlings going, though I am out of space in the garden so I may have to grow a few of them in buckets. As for not-so-wholesome…my drinking is still pretty much under control. Though I did have a conversation with my neighbor about how I’d build a distillation column. If it came to that. My plan is to use broken glass that I collect in the aftermath of the victory riots.

YEAH RIGHT: The good? Exercising and cooking. The bad? So much alcohol. It’s also easy to lose motivation on weekends when you’re supposed to be on lock down. Last Saturday was the first day in probably 20 years that I didn’t shave and on Sunday I felt like a goddamn hobo. I immediately shaved on Sunday morning, then grabbed a beer.

BFC: I was also in a good gym routine that is fucked. Fortunately lady BFC coincidentally ordered a stationary bike like a week before we started working from home. I’ve barely used it but it’s the only reason I have done any exercise at all. I’m really mourning the work boundaries and the stress of trying to figure out if we can weather this without furloughing people

BALLS: The good: Pornhub Premium is free. The bad: I’m limited in the work I can do from home.

SOS: What does Premium get you?

BALLS: Full length videos. Yes, I know. But at least you can forward to the 30 seconds you actually need.

SOS: And miss the plot build-up??? I mean, I need to know WHY she’s taking three cocks at once.

HOST: Probably because she wanted a reliable supply of eggs, which have been scarce. It’s a shame that the young woman felt the need to steal the three chickens, though, especially since roosters don’t even lay eggs. How about you, Son of Spam? Any wholesome changes to your life?

SOS: Wholesome? Sure, the family and dogs are spending quality time together. And one other nice side effect is the air quality. We’ve had more perfect days in the last month than I ever remember. Plus, I’m all caught up on Westworld. And to echo the others here, drinking has helped.

LOW COMMANDER OF THE SUPER SOLDIERS: Sorry for the my late arrival. After being laid off from my job the day after St. Patrick’s Day, I have instantly reverted back to my college day 2am-10am sleep schedule. In hindsight, it was not a great time to start at a company in the travel and cruise industry. That being said, they have made it very clear that they want me back on staff once this calms down, and have been generous in providing me with health insurance and compensation for longer than I expected. I have filed for unemployment, and am in no financial danger as I cling to my “living below my means” middle class lifestyle. My roommate has been working from home, which has been tough because our friendship has been a little strained lately and previously she was rarely ever home. However, her having 5am work calls and me staying up late has helped give each other space. My ziggurat overlooks a golf course in Carlsbad which has been closed and I have found myself walking it often and giving people a wide berth if I happen to see them, including that dick on the snack cart telling me I’m trespassing.

HOST: Are you?

LCSS: I mean, “allegedly”, sure, but he hasn’t threatened me with calling the cops yet, so we’re still good. Otherwise, I’ve been trying to work out at home more than I was with free weights and lots of crunches. If nothing else, I hope to come out of this with a few inches knocked off my waist and added to my arms. I’ve been playing a lot of video games to pass the time, and finally finished Death Stranding after 175 hours. I still do occasionally see my parents, as they live close by and are very cautious about being in that prime age range. Everyone is well, although my Dad was scheduled for back surgery next month, which has been ruled unnecessary, despite being very hobbled lately. Thankfully, he was able to be seen yesterday for an epidural and is already feeling much better. I also am still seeing Lady Commander in Chula Vista from time to time and while she is still working in a veterinary hospital, we are being as careful as we can. I will say that the quality time I’ve been spending with her has been the biggest thing in keeping me, uh, whatever my version of “sane” is considered. I did spend more than a day talking to her in a redneck accent over the weekend after filing for unemployment, so I might have to readdress that sanity measurement soon.

BALLS: The big question on everyone’s minds: Have you two started camwhoring yet or have you decided to get paid by Pornhub for amateur videos?

LCSS: If her work shuts down, we can call that a strong “maybe” but we’re not there yet. Does Pornhub have a demand for men so White they glow in the dark?

RIKKI: I think right after the release of HBO’s Chernobyl would have been your best shot. These days all anyone wants is people in PPE going at it.

SOS: But rule 34 would suggest a Powder Fetish exists.

LCSS: Sweet, then I should be in good shape. Also, unrelated, I really need a god damn haircut.

HOST: So Low Commander misses his hairdresser the most, what about the rest of you? What aspect of normal life are you missing more than anything else?

LCSS: Hey! [NAME REDACTED] Salon has a whiskey or beer with each appointment!

YEAH RIGHT: My biggest issue is I am excruciatingly structured, we’re talking full on OCD shit with my day-to-day schedule and just having literally NO day-to-day structure has been a massive challenge. I mean, I write my structured grocery list in the exact order I plan to walk through the grocery store. That shit is right out the damn window now. I really miss my beach walks also, and that’s only been a few days.

RIKKI: Actually, having a structured grocery store list is still a pretty good idea because you should spend as little time in there as possible. For your own protection and that of others. What I miss most is swimming. I’d taken up lap swimming last summer at the local outdoor public pool and kept it up throughout the winter, because although it’s become de rigueur in certain circles to deride California a communist hellscape, try doing that anywhere else. I had a nice little routine where I’d ride my bike to the pool, swim some laps, then stop by Taco Bell for a free T-mobile taco on the way home. I have no idea when that will become feasible again.

SOS: How does a person eat only one taco?

LCSS: I wish I had a taco right now.

SOS: I’ve missed the same things; had a workout routine at a boot camp facility that is now kaput. (The routine, not the facility, though gym owners are right there with restaurant owners as far as suffering goes.) Also miss comparison-shopping the stores and deciding where to shop based on best food/drink/value. Now it’s all about what store might have what provision. This brings up a larger point; we now have to determine the cost/benefit to any trip out, and decide whether we truly NEED to do…whatever. That’s a loss of freedom that will add up over time and cause stress/depression. As with losing a hand right before a big jerk-off competition, it’s difficult to know how much you’ll miss something until it’s gone.

RIKKI: At this very second I am in a war with myself as to whether to duck out to Vons to get some tri-tip that is on sale. We certainly don’t need it, but before all this I’d have been able to do it without a second thought.

LCSS: I’ve decided to get a bit creative with my food at home and am basically refusing to shop until I’ve eaten through all the frozen things that have been in my freezer. I made sweet potato toast this morning for breakfast and it was quite nice.

YEAH RIGHT: I’ve unabashedly purchased bottles of wine from 7-11. They actually have a fairly nice selection.

BALLS: I purchased beer for the first time since the crisis started yesterday. I’m waiting until Friday to drink it as I’m on call the rest of the week and working rotation Friday.

HOST: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Thanks to all of you for joining us; we’ll be back next week with another gang of contributors and another region. Stay tuned!