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Eventual Balls Thoughts XVI

ballsofsteelandfury

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So, how was everyone’s week?

/checks news

Never mind. Let’s just rejoice in the fact we have this site to keep us entertained and laughing.

***

The Week in DFO

Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:

[clicks on the site provided]

As far as place names are concerned Golden, Colorado is my 2nd favorite place to be in. First place? Christy, Canyon.

Scotchnaut

***

Found a funny:

The Bible is very vague as to how much Jesus could bench

rockindog

And the Lord said, “Doth thou even lift?”

Senor Weaselo

***

Found a funny:

[at Red Lobster]

WAITRESSES: *run toward me*

ME: Red Lobster!

WAITRESSES: *stop*

ME: Green Lobster!

WAITRESSES: *run*

MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

rockindog

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Brick

***

Before that bitch Ann Landers took over, I said in my advice column that it’s inappropriate to honor living service members on Memorial Day, you should kill them first.

herodotus450

***

Speaking as a veteran and a true American hero, I can tell you that Veteran’s Day in November is for living veterans, and Memorial Day in May is for the war dead.

There is no day honoring active duty personnel, so if any of them try to horn in on the action I like to tell ’em to “get back up to the fighting and don’t come back until you qualify one way or the other.”

Brick

***

A friend of mine was really into cycling and exercise and all that shit, and named her dog “Lance” in honor of Mr. Armstrong. I told her that there was huge amount of evidence that he was cheating and that the American media was ignoring it and she just laughed it off. Then she fucked my brother. True story.

Anyway, I was right about Armstrong.

Horatio

I hope she and your brother lived happily ever after.

Viva La Tabula Raza

***

h/t Moose

***

I’m thinking that U.S. Grant may be a DFO Working Hero. Worked and lived in various levels of drunkenness, and capable of writings that are universally acclaimed.

Redshirt

If we ever print up our own currency we can put his face on the $6 bill. (tWBS goes on the $12).

RTD

USD = Greenback

tWBS dollar = A Green Day

BeerGuyRob

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

h/t Brick

That cat has recorded more tackles than the entire Bengals defense.

Dunstan

***

h/t BFC
h/t Moose
h/t Brick
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

h/t Don T

Bonus points for sharp shooting into the floor drain?

Game Time Decision

***

The Stupid people doing stupid things tag needs to be used more.

Balls

@Redshirt

Welp, time to watch another season of Cincinnati Bengals football!

This post has been tagged for a stupid person doing stupid things.

Redshirt

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

You know, I want what most dads want. I want to make millions of clones of myself, I want to provide my clones with a fertile spawning ground

“This guy gets it.”

nomonkeyfun

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose (Seriously, if any of you Canadiens can find this and are willing to ship it to me, I’ll pay you!)
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Holey Moley is actually how I described Demi Moore’s bush

Buddy

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

When I was 8, my grandfather gave me Martini and Rossi to drink. And then I vomited on the way home. My father was fucking furious. My grandfather’s reaction, “The kid needs to learn how to drink.”

I am not making any of this up.

jjfozz

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Moose
h/t Brick
h/t Moose
h/t Brocky
h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

What kind of wood doesn’t float?

Natalie Wood.

Horatio

***

h/t Moose
h/t Moose

***

Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:

h/t SonOfSpam

***

Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Time for me to go back in…

h/t Moose

Have a great week!

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litre_cola

I would totally sleep in one of them Japanese style hotel beds on a plane. Lay flat for 8 hours, yes please.

5
Viva La Tabula Raza

I’d do it, but I’d need a sedative or sleeping concoction so I could sleep through the flight. Could do it drunk, too, but would want some kind of air-catheter so I wouldn’t have to continually get up to pee.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

This reminds me of that Simpsons at the petting zoo as they see cuter and cuter lambs and one of the less cute lambs comes back to be awwwed at and Homer pushes it away to aww at the cutest lamb.

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I really like these weekly best-of recaps, I’ve never scrolled down through an entire post without saying “I don’t remember that one.” That includes comments that I posted.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ArmedandHammered

Helping me to chill today:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weV1K1MMs0I

1
yeah right

What day this week will the locusts arrive?

5
Covalent Blonde

Right after dem boils and beasts! So, like Thursday?

5
Unsurprised

Timely and relevant. https://overcast.fm/+U0D_bKzUQ

0
Unsurprised

Also horrifying, but what happened in response to the locusts of 1864 is happening now and it’s fucking sick.

0
Sharkbait

Beat me to it. The Dollop is great.

1
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

looking forward to the “how to cook locusts” episode of Sunday gravy.

7
ArmedandHammered

Chicken Fried with a milk gravy.

5
Unsurprised

That was part of the response

1
Covalent Blonde

I know I am the last of a dying breed in that I still will wear a tie and heels to fly, but when the fuck did people stop washing their hair before flying?

4
yeah right

That’s horrifying.

1
ballsofsteelandfury

You think that’s horrifying? You clearly haven’t seen the pictures of people with bare feet on the seat back…

2
Dunstan

On the seat backs, on video screens, on the windows, on the seats in front of them. People are disgusting.

I know this is entering “grumpy old man” territory, but people have gotten really aggressive about how their need for “comfort” trumps everything else. (And really, there is surely a middle ground between suit and tie and dress shoes and flip-flops, shorts, and ragged t-shirts. It is possible to find comfortable shoes and pants.)

Like, when John Candy’s character removed his shoes and socks in “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles,” it was a sign of what a boor he was, not something to emulate.

2
Brick Meathook

This is why I always fly first/business class. It costs more, but then you get what you pay for. I’m not sitting with poor people all jammed together in steerage; I need my personal space, and my free drinks, and the witty repartee of my fellow swells. I usually wear a tux with a dinner jacket when I fly.

If you’re going to pay only $300 for a cross-country round-trip air fare, don’t complain if they cram you in next to a hobo. You’re lucky you’re not in a box down in the cargo hold.

3
Unsurprised

RyanAir is working on the box option

3
ArmedandHammered

How big is the box? Do you have to pay by the cubic inch or by weight. Just asking because I would actually do that over riding in coach. I mean if I could just be in a box laying fully prone I would be a lot more comfortable than in those seats. Maybe a screen just in front of my face that I would have to pay money to not watch anything instead of an insipid romcom.

1
ArmedandHammered

Actually something like the Japanese hotel rooms that are like coffins would be great. Check in, get in your box, be loaded up and unload when you arrive. Of course with my luck I would arrive in Montgomery, Alabama instead of Seattle.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

They’re working on it…
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ArmedandHammered

Two much space between the bunks, with Ryanair, there would need to be 5 instead of 3 per stack.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Charge for mattress, pillow, pillow case, etc. etc., etc.

-Frontier

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, those quick bang rooms? Yeah, I like them.

2
Unsurprised

Japanese coffin hotels are way roomier than anything short of the Emirates Air luxury pods.

2
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

I don’t wear heels on a plane (or anywhere except church and Costco), and I dress for comfort, but holy crap I could not imagine being all greasy and disgusting. Wanna be clean when I get arrested for batin’ in the exit row.

5
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m only 6’2″ (my work mate is 6’6″ and flying is just completely uncomfortable, no matter what) and Business Class is worth every penny. I dress for comfort, but also if you have to get off the plane either in a hurry or at a location you have not planned on. International flights so you can efficiently get through security multiple times.

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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SUMO CHARTER! SUMO CHARTER! SUMO CHARTER!

2
Unsurprised

I know a guy who’s 6’6″ and gets the disabled boarding pass when flying on Southwest to grab an emergency row seat.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ve been on flights where there were passengers that looked like they had come straight to the airport from the People of Walmart site.

2
Unsurprised

Yeah. I was going to say; the average domestic U.S. flight has the same weight and space issue with none of the charm or civility.

1
rockingdog

Yikes

1
Dunstan

Decided to support some local business yesterday and refreshed my supplies of microbrew. I have discovered during this lockdown that I actually like IPAs more than I remember. Of course, it probably helps that I am not attempting to “session” them (not even the “session IPAs”).

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, that island is looking awfully tempting right about now…

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“The one full of unsupervised young boys? It sure is, buddy. It sure is.” – Jerry Sandusky

3
LemonJello

“I had an island, has my estate sold it yet?”
-Jeffrey Epstein

4
SonOfSpam

Lord of the Rhythmic Slapping Sounds

5
Dunstan

“Tattoo, I told you to be more selective in who we invite.”

3
Sharkbait

I’ve been on team buy an island for a while now

1
LemonJello

“You’ll never beat the deal I made for an island.”
-Peter Minuit

5
Covalent Blonde

Take my fucking money now!

4
Brick Meathook

Well now! I did alright this week!

There’s two exceptional young ladies pictured above. You know who I’m talking about.

1
Brick Meathook

This is how this gal greets me when I come over. You can tell it’s me because of the image stabilization:
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1
Brick Meathook

If this gal is a day over 14 then I’m her 16 year old adopted brother:
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1
Unsurprised

Cuban healthcare, bro. She’s 32 and currently dating Ben Affleck.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You need a new monitor.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We all have very unrealistic fantasies; it’s okay.

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