Scene: The underworld! Hades, the god of the Greek underworld, and Persephone, his wife and the goddess of both the underworld and vegetation, are at home watching the Marble League, because of course they are. Persephone is wearing a Raspberry Racers shirt, while Hades is wearing, out of all teams, a Black Jacks shirt. Don’t know who the Black Jacks are? Well, Club, Diamond, Heart, Spade, and Ace competed in the Hubelino tournaments, and attempted to qualify for ML2018. They were unsuccessful and as they haven’t competed in two years are currently considered retired. It’s Hades, so of course it’s a deep dive. Before you ask, yes, Poseidon is a fan of the Oceanics, and yes, Zeus is a fan of the Thunderbolts.

Voice of Greg Woods: …And they are rolling!

Persephone: I’m surprised it’s a lap race. I would have expected the marathon to be a super rally.

Hades: New studio, new digs, new racetrack, gotta use it! Besides, where are you going to find 422 meters of open field?

Persephone: Anywhere? Thanks to the pandemic there’s fewer people outside, after all.

Hades: Yeah, you’re right Sephy, but I can’t complain about Jelle Bakker setting a good example, it’s good social distancing to stay indoors and keep it at the Stardust Accelerator. (He sighs.) Thank Olympus the Americans go to Caucasian Jesus and not me, the rest of the world’s deaths is already enough extra paperwork.

Persephone: And it means the grass can… 54 degrees in Death Valley? Never mind, global warming is not going to let up. My greens are in danger!

Hades: Also the mortals…

Persephone: Your job not mine, honey!

Hades: (under his breath) Well played, Kore… Ooh, look at that move by Wospy, it would be a story if the Midnight Wisps came back to win it.

Persephone: Whoever wins, it’ll be a story. Especially… is that Mellow Yellow in the lead now?

Hey, that’s my story! But, not for now. Give it a couple days because there’s a lot to write.

The story today, however, is the Jets. The 2019 Jets had a new coach in Adam Gase, waited until AFTER the draft to fire the general manager, and then hired Joe Douglas. The peoples are not a fan of Gase, but they are a fan of Douglas who made some depth moves last year and moves to get draft picks for this year. The splashiest signings from this offseason? The ageless wonder Frank Gore, and everyone’s favorite plain-flavored ice milk enthusiast, Joe Flacco. It’s depth. The splashiest other move? Trading Jamal Adams to the Seahawks, along with a 4th in 2022, for a first next year, a first the year after that, a third next year, and Bradley McDougald. For the Jets it gets rid of their biggest headache, but it was also their best player, and I seriously have no idea who is in the secondary now. It was shit last year, and they’ve gotten rid of Adams, Trumaine Johnson (who granted had a major down year), and Daryl Roberts (who was among the league leaders in pass intereferences). So Bless Austin, you did well on the slot, come on down to the outside!

Speaking of the defense, C.J. Mosley is opting out for the season. We saw in the opener what Mosley means to the defense—he’s in the game and they shut the Bills down. He gets hurt with a groin injury and the defense becomes a sieve. It’ll be up to Avery Williamson to pick up the large amount of slack reading the defense. The front three of Henry Anderson, Steve McLendon, and Quinnen Williams are going to have their work cut out for them.

With all that said, it was a middling defense last year due to Gregggggggggggggggggggg Williams and his scheming, so I have no reason to believe it can’t at least be competent. The defense is going to have to get pressure, and someone in the secondary, whether Austin, or McDougald, or rookie CB Bryce Hall, or safety Marcus Maye, is going to have to step up.

On the offense, the biggest problem was Sam Darnold trying to not die. You wanna know why he was seeing ghosts? Because the O-line ranked 31st according to Football Outsiders, with only the Dolphins worse. 30th in pass protection based off of adjusted sack rate, ahead of the ‘Dacteds and Tits. And the dude was coming off mono where it’s like “is he going to get liver damage and die from this continued sacking”? It improved later in the year, but Joe Douglas decided “Hey, let’s not kill him this season” and got Mekhi Becton in the 1st round of the draft. They’ve been raving about him, in part because, and I’m paraphrasing slightly, “he a big dude.” 6’7″, 364, and still ran a 5.1 in the 40. So, he a big dude who isn’t even slow. He’ll be the left tackle, filling in the D’Brickashaw Ferguson slot. If he’s Brick, I’ll take it. The rest of the starting line is, most importantly, not the guys from last year, except for guard Alex Lewis, probably. (Notably Ryan Kalil and Kalichi Osemele. They didn’t work out.)

In the sexy positions, it’ll probably be much of the same with Jamison Crowder and Breshad Perriman, but the Jets added one-hit wonder and noted Alex Rodriguez plate music artist Denzel Mims to the corps with a 2nd round pick. Chris Herndon should remain the tight end, while Le’Veon Bell will still get the bulk of the reps at RB, assuming Gase doesn’t throw a hissy fit and try to trade him. That’s a 50-50 proposition.

Speaking of 50-50 propositions, after starting last year 1-7 the team went 6-2 in the second half to finish 7-9. You can argue that some of it was based on Darnold still recovering from mono and the team starting to gel around him. In a weak AFC East, could the Jets battle for a wild card spot and division chance? Well, the AFC East gets the gauntlet of the AFC West and NFC West—the division gets 3 of the 5 hardest schedules by last year’s winning percentage. Plus the two other 3rd place teams (Colts and Browns). I’m just writing Week 8 at Arrowhead as a loss now. Not as much the game at Seattle as prior years because it won’t be loud there if there are no fans, but still calling that a loss. You can argue the same at Arrowhead but also it’s the Chiefs. Getting the Donks in the Meadowlands helps. The two games in LA could have been winnable if they were home, and it’s not impossible that they’d actually get a split against the P*ts depending on whether they can keep Cam healthy, especially by Week 17 in Foxboro. But it is the 2nd toughest schedule in the NFL behind the P*ts. But I’m going to say this team does better than last year numbers-wise, but that doesn’t mean a thing in the record book as they finish 7-9. Best case scenario. Well, second-best. Best-case is rocks fall, everyone dies.

Most likely? Let’s say 5-11. Good enough for not picking in the top 5. Incidentally that could still potentially win the AFC East, which in that case it’ll be the Jets because it would amuse the gods to give them the tiebreakers so they can get hilariously stomped by, let’s say, Houston, to manage to make Bill O’Brien look good.