Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, they had a king who couldn’t even handle taking a shit properly.

GEORGE II AND DYING ON THE JOHN

Date: October 25th, 1760

Location: Kensington Palace, London

George II ruled Great Britain from 1727-1760, ascending the throne after the death of his much-despised father, George I. The first George was also the Prussian (German) Duke of Brunswick-Lüneburg and Elector of Hanover, and he inherited the British throne thanks to being the closest Protestant relative of Queen Anne,  the niece of the beheaded Charles II and ruler of Great Britain from 1702-1714. George I was an unpopular king for a number of reasons, but predominantly for his German heritage. Many British parliamentarians, most notably the Tories, secretly preferred the Catholic branch of the house of Stuart, who were originally of Scottish heritage, but their Catholicism was an unforgivable sin in otherwise staunchly Anglican and Protestant England; as such, the Jacobite rebellions (so named after the Latinized name of James II Stuart, the last Catholic king of Scotland and England) could only exist on the fringes of respectable British society. Thus, George I was the man in charge, despite not even being born in the country. Upon his death, George II, who’d had a difficult relationship with his father and had spent much of his life opposing his father’s policies, was poised to be much more popular than George I had been, as he left the running of the country predominantly in the hands of Parliament.

Despite this, George II was not a particularly good king. Indeed, history has a predominantly negative view of him. He’s best remembered for his short temper, laissez-faire governing, and his extreme propensity for cheating on his wife and being a complete fucking asshole to his son Frederick. However, the British began their aggressive foreign policy under his rule, and the Seven Years’ War with France, which would ultimately see the collapse of French colonial territories in North America by the end of the century, was the harbinger of rapid British expansionism in the decades to follow. George II is, as it turns out, the last British monarchy to actively lead his troops on the battlefield; at the battle of Dettingen on June 27th, 1743, as part of the War of Austrian Succession, the King led a coalition of British, Austrian, Dutch, Hanoverian and Hessian troops into battle against the French, which the coalition forces won.

By the end of George’s life, he’d gone blind in one eye and lost much of hearing; years of fighting, hunting, drinking, eating, yelling, and fucking had got the best of his body. On the morning of October 25th, 1760, the King awoke at 6 AM – his usual wake-up time – had a cup of hot chocolate, and went to the bathroom – or, more accurately, his close-stool (also known as a necessary-stool), a type of portable pooping chair – for his morning BM.

As it turns out, it would be the last one he’d ever take.

Upon hearing a loud crash, George’s valet entered the room and found the king lying on the floor. He was lifted into his bed in order for his doctor to examine him, but by the time his daughter, Princess Amelia, was summoned, it was too late. The king, aged 77, was dead. George II died older than any of his predecessors as ruler of the British/English throne – since his reign, only three other monarchs (George III, Victoria, Elizabeth II) were older at the end of their reigns.

The cause of death? A thoracic aortic dissection. Put quite simply, his heart literally exploded – probably from the force of having to squeeze out a gigantic turd. Funny enough, George II’s death was the first official recording of this ailment in medical history. With his disgusting, dramatic death, ol’ Georgie got admitted into a very exclusive club of people who croaked on the shitter, which includes fellow monarch Catherine the Great of Russia, Lenny Bruce, Judy Garland, Don Simpson, and, of course, Elvis Presley.

With the king deceased, his eldest grandson, George III, took the throne. And Americans know full well how his reign turned out.

George II, despite being a buffoon, was not, in the end, an unsuccessful ruler; the country continued to progress under his ministers and the strength of Parliament. Under the guidance of PMs such as Sir Robert Walpole and William Pitt the Elder, Great Britain began its transformation from seafaring mercantilist nation to true global empire; the East India Company’s victory at the battle of Plassey on June 23rd, 1757 was one of the most important moments of George II’s reign. British expansion into southeast Asia and Africa was an essential part of their success as the world’s most foremost industrialized nation in the nineteenth century. The defeat of the French at the Plains of Abraham in Quebec in 1759, and its full takeover by the British, was the cherry on top of George’s ridiculous reign.

But still. George died from taking a shit. You can’t convince the me English are human.

***

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.