Despite controlling one-third of the world’s landmass and one-quarter of its population at its peak in the late 19th century, one really has to wonder if the English are even civilized in the first place. As Indian historian and MP Dr. Shashi Tharoor stated in a 2015 speech at Oxford University, “No wonder the sun never set on the British Empire… even God couldn’t trust the English in the dark.”

In G.J. Renier’s The English: Are They Human?, the author sets out to examine why the English are the way they are; it’s not an easy task. Despite the title being absolutely hilarious, the book itself is somewhat humorous, but overall quite academic. This, to me, is quite disappointing. Thus, I am setting out to improve upon his work, and find some case studies that properly shed light on what makes the English such an absurd people. Fortunately, there’s so much out there to choose from. After careful research, it is my conclusion that the English cannot be considered human.

Why?

Well, for this week’s reason, they had a king who couldn’t stop eating eels, one of the grossest foods known to humanity.

HENRY I AND THE EEL DINNER

Date: Roughly December 1, 1135

Location: Lyons-la-Foret, Normandy, France

The 11th and 12th centuries were some difficult times to live in, even if you were a king. England had been defeated by William the Conqueror, the famous Norman noble, in 1066, and the southern half of the island was ruled in succession by the northern French nobility, resulting in widespread changes to English culture. Amidst of all this political strife, there was famine, disease, and lots of lawlessness. With so much uncertainty in life, it was quite unusual for a king like Henry I to rule a country for 35 years. Amidst tons of political strife – much of which kicked off thanks to the death of Henry’s eldest son, William, in a shipwreck, throwing Henry’s line of succession into question – Henry had to deal with a fractured relationship with nobility on both sides of the English Channel. Some real Game of Thrones shit.

One day in late November 1135, when Henry was off hunting in Normandy, he fancied himself a dinner fit for a king: lampreys. A prehistoric ancestor to eels, these long, skinny, slippery creatures are considered a delicacy – but you wouldn’t catch me eating one, that’s for sure. Despite his physician’s repeated warnings, the king was hungry for lampreys, most likely served in the form of a lamprey pie, and he wouldn’t stop until he’d had far more than enough. According to Roger of Wendover, a chronicler of history who lived in the 13th century, the king “stopped at St. Denys in the wood of Lions to eat some Lampreys, a fish he was very fond of, thought they always disagreed with him, and the physicians had often cautioned him against eating them, but he would not listen to their advice. This food mortally chilled the old man’s blood and caused a sudden and violent illness.”

Lampreys tended to be dangerous to eat in these days due to their tendency to live in shallow, muddy water, which was often rife with diseases. Henry I wasn’t the only person of importance to die from eating eels or lampreys – they’re believed to have also been responsible for the death of Eustace IV, the heir apparent to the throne of King Stephen, who tried to seize power after Henry’s death. The strong fishy taste of eels and lampreys also made them a very common dish for people to poison others; it was effective in masking the taste of many known toxins during this era. Despite the horrific appearance of these vile beasts, lampreys were eaten almost into extinction in the British Isles; they have only recently begun to return to rivers and shores around the country.

Henry I was sick for more than a week before he eventually succumbed, and his death launched eighteen years of anarchy in England. With the Norman conquest of 1066, the southern half of the island was ruled by French nobles, who in the 12th century, thanks to being busy fighting a civil war over Henry’s succession in northern France, couldn’t get their shit together to deal with the lawlessness across the Channel. The Anarchy, as the war became known, lasted from Henry’s death in 1135 until 1153, when Henry Plantagenet, another Norman noble, was crowned as Henry II, beginning the Plantagenet line of the English monarchy.

All I can tell you about dying from overeating is that if I were to do it, it would be from one of two things: proper southern fried chicken, or from my mother’s special spaghetti sauce that’s mostly just ground beef, bacon, onion, and mushroom in a small bit of tomato soup and some stock – similar to Skyline Chili, but actually delicious. But eels? Yeah, definitely not.

Eating yourself to death on prehistoric monster fish? You can’t convince the me English are human.

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, and here.